confusedgf

If you look back a page on the board, I have a thread about having my A b/f move out. He has finally cooled off and isn't going off hotheaded and vile towards me. Good thing because my nerves couldn't take it.
I have stood my ground about him not living here. He is living with his sister and brother-in-law and their kids, about a 10 minute drive from me. I admit I caved the first night and allowed him to stay the night. I slept in his arms and didn't talk, just felt him there. I slept well. Then I woke up and felt sick. Luckily he had gotten up and gone to work before I woke. I haven't allowed it again. He has stopped by each night after work to pick up clothes etc. Never more than an hour or so. I did speak to him on the phone for a while one evening and gosh who doesn't want to believe they are really ready to fight for their life, and then perhaps give hope that a relationship can be salvaged once they fix their stuff? But that's the heart in me, the dying one that wants the full package but only with him. My head screams "don't believe a word, run, this is RISK RISK RISK" and at this point leaving myself vulnerable in any way makes me feel ill.
I have my first therapist appointment on Tuesday. I am proud of that although scared of the work ahead for me myself to get a grip on all of this. The sexual assault stuff from last week is lurking there and I can't even reach it, can't feel anything except a need to shut it out. Good thing therapy is around the corner. Lord knows how I am going to pay for it and still make ends meet. I am letting go and letting God on that, because I need it for me. I am considering it an investment in myself.
As of today all utilities in my home etc are transferred over to me. B/f has no ties to my home that I don't allow him to have. Despite the confusion in my heart, I so far have been following my head.
Then tonight he stopped for some things and god I deserve a Oscar nod. I acted "together" but inside I was so not together. I love this man and see his potential and it kills me that he doesn't see it in himself. I know I can make a life on my own without him, I have already started I guess. I just hate it. And I don't want the lonliness and loss of him to get me to a point I make a foolish mistake regarding him.
He is currently waiting on appointments to start anger management (group thing I think but not sure), private therapy and addiction counselling. He has asked me to still "be with him" although he would live with his sister, while he works towards fixing his crap and getting his act together. I want to say yes. I just don't want to love stupid ya know? So I haven't committed to anything, I just can't. But why can't I just say yes okay, or no sorry it's over???? Why am I on the fence??

ghostgirl

hey girl... its tough. i'm an alkie, but a codie, too. its hard to let go. its hard to trust that what good things will come of letting go... esp. when we don't know for sure what those good things are, but we have a definate idea of what WE think they should be.

sounds wise not to commit to anything at this point.... just good old fashioned breathing room may be in order. maybe he should take all that belongs to him/he needs in one trip, and you can put the rest out of sight. give yourself atleast a couple of months to sort through your pain, and without his phone calls. give yourself a chance, and let him do what he needs to do for himself.
it won't be the end of the world if the two of you take a couple of months worth space, although it may feel like it at first.

i'm wishing you all the best, honey...

gg

cagefree

(((confused)))

Glad to see you're still taking strides to take care of yourself. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll see this through.

I agree with Ghost - let him work on him and focus your love and strength on you. It's a tough place to be - you should read Chero's post Enough

denny57

Maybe when you have your first therapy session next week you can talk this over with him/her. When my head screams at me now, I listen.

((()))