lenore7777

By ABF went to rehab and before he went in I agreed he could stay with me for a few weeks until he felt strong enough to go back to his big empty house where he did most of his drinking. Two days after he got out his house sold and he closes on the 23rd. Things were going great. He goes to meetings every day, is committed to the program. The problem is this. I had major surgery scheduled for the 11th, (I had a total hip replacement, at 52 I feel too young for this, but hey). We talked about what help I would need and he said he would be there and could do everything, blah, blah, blah.

It turns out he is a lousy caretaker. It is one week since my surgery and thank god I am doing okay because he has pretty much dropped the ball. If I had known he would be here so little, (work, kid's baseball, meetings, running dumb errands) I would have asked someone else. Also, he has a HUGE dog that is ill-mannered and I told him I could not deal with him during the day. He didn't agree and left the dog here. He got off his line and I had to hobble down the road to get him.

The BF is now angry I am angry. Am I expecting too much? He has only six weeks of sobriety and I know that comes first, but I can't drive, walk much, do all the exercises by myself...Should I just tell him to go home and I will get other help or set boundaries as to what he should be able to help me with? I don't want him to feel inadequate and kick him out for reasons he can't help. Maybe all of this is too much.

This is the first time we have lived together and the stress level is fairly high with my surgery, his house selling, his sobriety...Yikes.

Any help or insight is appreciated.

Lenore

Tazman53

Well I will tell you that when I sobered up it took 4 months before my energy levels got high enough before I could handle much more then going to work and meetings, mentally I was doing great, working my program big time, but I knew there were things I should be doing around the house, but physically I just could not find the energy. I am just sharing with you what he is probably going through physically right now.

I Have to say you all are throwing a lot of new stuff into a recovery situation, it is going to make it hard IMO on both of you. In AA it is advised no major changes in ones life for about the first year of recovery and I beleive that is true in Alanon also.

I can tell you that I would not expect a whole lot more out of him then what he is doing now physically, it would be pushing him, if he is like me he is probably well aware he is not pulling all the weight he said he would because he thought he would not go through this loss of energy.

For your own recovery do what you need to do for you. I would wait until you are both calm and talk about it and work out a plan. Tell him you talked to another recovering alcoholic and that you have learned that his energy levels are going to be low for a while. Try and work out a plan good for both of you.

fluffyflea

Yes unfortunately you are expecting too much. At six weeks sobriety he is ill equipped to be able to understand anything outside of his needs.

Earthworm

parentrecovers

have no expectations - early recovery is a full time job. blessings, k

care4uNJ

My ex-abf could barely handle taking care of himself at 6 weeks sober let alone being a caretaker for someone else. I agree that might be stretching it a tad bit. His top priority should be focused solely on his sobriety. jo

lenore7777

I appreciate the input. We had a talk this afternoon and he was pretty down on himself for not helping more. I think we worked it through and I will definitely share what you have said as to both of us expecting too much out of him. We are both recovering at the same time which is difficult, but isn't that better than one or both of us still being really sick? I am going to call in some more help and tell him it is absolutely no failure on his part.

Thanks again,

Lenore

mushroom

You can, however, tell him to take care of his own dog.

Sunflower

Even after 8 months of sobriety-there are still things I can tell my AS can't handle,
I think I told everyone last time about how upset I was that my son wouldn't give me a ride to the Doctors.
I pissed and moaned inside but could just tell he couldn't handle it--my being ill has affected much more deeply than I knew-so I kept quiet.
Today I had to go to the surgeon-I assumed he was taking me--Nope!
This time probably because of my nerves about surgery I kindof said things like''you have to be kidding me'' and''maybe I will drive myself to surgery crawl to the car after it and drive myself home!""I was half laughing and sarcastic.

I dropped him off at his friends on my way and I said something out the window to him like''have a good night'' and he turned towards the car and tears were streaming down his face. I was shocked-He called the house 3 times while I was gone to see if I was ok.

Just an example for you-I quess sometimes we expect to much--my illness is a trigger for him--not tha he doesn't care-I know that after today.Takes time.

So sorry for your pain--I do hope you have a speedy recovery...

Spiritual Seeker

My addict son and his girlfriend addict are self centered and rarely keep their promises. I assume this behavior will not stop abruptly when and if sobriety takes hold. I will not depend on my son because I can't. I don't get disappointed because I expect nothing. Hopefully, your recovering guy will learn to be of service to others as he learns how to live sober.

JenT1968

I hope you are doing okay.

Can I suggest (and its so easy to suggest things about other people's lives LOL) that maybe what you could be thinking about is not what it is reasonable for you to expect from him, but instead:

1) what do you need?
2) who has routinely come through on their promises when asked to do something who could help you?

your healing and needs in recovery from surgery are not less important than his from drinking and maybe at the moment they are incompatible in the same close space?

His sobriety comes first for him, but your healing comes first for you (else who is it going to come first with?).

I wish you speedy and good healing

rosalie

Illness is always a difficult period to survive. Especially if you have no on else to help you with the future care you will be needing. Prior to being Discharged you should speak with the Social Worker at the Hospital. They may be able to help you with some Home Care options. Even if for just a few hours a day.Do not be to proud to accept it as many are. Take care of Yourself.

lenore7777

I spent the day at my brother's yesterday. He is always ready to help and I took your advice of calling on those who have been there for me before. He picked me up and fed me and I did all of my laundry over there. The ABF was slightly put out at first that he couldn't do everything for me, but he quickly got over it. I shared your insight with him and we both appreciate that we were expecting too much.

As a side note, if there is anyone out there in need of a hip replacement, and hesitant to have it done...go for it. It has only been ten days and I have so much less pain than I did before. I went for a short walk outside yesterday with only a cane. I haven't been able to do that for over a year.

Recovery lends itself to slowing down and assessing what is truly important. As long as the ABF and I keep to our programs of communication, AA, and gratitude for what we have, I think we'll be okay.

thanks,

Lenore

GlassPrisoner

I used to complain to my sponsor about my ex wife. I told him she wouldn't clean our house intentionally, that she just refused to do it just to **** me off and get even at me for drinking.

He looked at me and said "Have you ever stopped to consider that maybe your wife is just a terrible housekeeper ?"

The point I'm trying to make, is maybe your boyfriend just isn't the caretaker type. Not all of us are. My Dad sure as hell wasn't. Maybe he's doing his best.

And, although it's a great opportunity for him to do service (service doesn't only include other drunks), I would guess his energy levels are low, and he's generally overwhelmed by life right now.

TexasGirl

GlassPrisoner, that's exactly the point I was going to make when I started reading this thread. Perhaps alcoholism and the recovery from it has played a part in his inability or unwillingness to help you out, but more importantly, perhaps that's just not who he is. And if it's not who he is, it would seem wrong to expect that out of him, addict or not.

GP, you seriuosly took my reply because I was also going to make the comparison to housekeeping. It's unfortunate, but I'm just not the best housekeeper. A future partner of mine will have to accept that it's a weakness of mine or else be willing to consider the option of weekly maid service. To expect me to do something that's not really a part of being who I am is irrational. XAH used to get so frustrated with me and my relaxed attitude about things of that nature, but it never changed it. It only created a resentment between us.

All of this to say, whether he's recovering or not, maybe it was just necessary to call in another person to help you out. No big deal. We can't expect our partners to be everything to us at all times, as they too are people with their own nuances. But I bet he has some cool qualities that made you love him in the first place. Embrace those and hire a nurse when you need it.

venusinlibra

He volunteered to help your out, and what happen to the AA motto you need to be of "service" to others. I think surgery is a pretty big deal and if you love someone you need to help out. I understand that sobriety must come first, but sometimes I think people in recovery, Alanon or AA, can take this a little to far and use it as an excuse.

God bless ya, I hope you are recovering, and hopefully your boyfriend is slowly being able to help you more.