Ann

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Boundaries

Sometimes, life and people seem to push and push. Because we are so used to pain, we may tell ourselves it doesn't hurt. Because we are so used to people controlling and manipulating us, we may tell ourselves there is something wrong with us.

There's nothing wrong with us. Life is pushing and hurting to get our attention. Sometimes, the pain and pushing are pointing toward a lesson. The lesson may be that we've become too controlling. Or maybe we're being pushed to own our power to take care of ourselves. The issue is boundaries.

If something or somebody is pushing us to our limit, that's exactly what's happening: we're being pushed to our limits. We can be grateful for the lesson that's here to help us explore and set our boundaries.

Today, I will give myself permission to set the limits I want and need to set in my life.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

Ann

Early in recovery, setting boundaries was a whole new concept for me. I never seemed to get to set the rules in my life, of what I could accept and what I would not. I remember saying to my sponsor "You mean I get to say what's okay and what's not?". How strange that all sounded.

Then, learning to make my boundaries about me and not about controlling the other person, took practice.

Controlling = "You can't use drugs and have to work your recovery."

Boundary = "If you continue to use and not make an effort toward recovery, then I will not let you live in my home. I'll love you just as much when you live someplace else."

The first example was full of control, attempting to "make" him change.

The second tells of what is not acceptable to me and what the consequence will be if crossed. He can use or not use, his choice....but not in MY home or MY presence.

In looking at my boundaries the best way for me to decide if it was controlling or self-protective was to look at my motive. If I set a boundary to control someone else it was doomed to fail. But if I set a boundary to protect myself it would be a healthy and appropriate action and would be as successful as my willingness to enforce it and carry through.

We get to choose what is healthy for us, we get to choose how we will make our lives healthy once more. We get to choose. What a concept.

Hugs

duet_4-8

It took me 25 years with my exah to realize that I indeed did have a choice about what I would or would not allow in my life. After all those years, letting go of the desire to control his disease was not an easy thing, but it was the right thing and the healthy thing to do.

I am starting now to teach my kids that they can and should set boundaries in their lives-even though 2 of them are already grown the lesson is 'taking'. I especially intend to teach my new little granddaughter this concept (she is due in less than 4 weeks).

Thanks for sharing this, Ann.