Need a boost
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Need a boost
NO XAB this morning but I did run into someone that knows him and me but have not seen them in a long time and I guess they did not know we were broken up! They said are you still together with J and I said nope-(did not want to get into the entire thing) They said oh ok because I saw him out to dinner with some girl the other night and they looked pretty cozy!
Ok so I'm ok with it-because I do not want to be with him and the chaos. So this brings me to a few threads that were out there yesterday in reference to seeing them and we get the step back into the pit-I just do not want to fall into that pit and get all "crazie"
I have a question-how do they move on so quickly? Just like we were nothing?
Or is it because anything is NOTHING to them and they just cannot be alone? They need sex? I do not want to get that codie brain working again back there-can someone please boost me out of this pit this morning?
Ok so I'm ok with it-because I do not want to be with him and the chaos. So this brings me to a few threads that were out there yesterday in reference to seeing them and we get the step back into the pit-I just do not want to fall into that pit and get all "crazie"
I have a question-how do they move on so quickly? Just like we were nothing?
Or is it because anything is NOTHING to them and they just cannot be alone? They need sex? I do not want to get that codie brain working again back there-can someone please boost me out of this pit this morning?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
In the case of my ex, as I later found out, he 'always' had backup...a safety net of women so-to-speak. That way, he 'always' had someone around to 'protect' and perhaps 'finance' his addiction. And, the women 'in waiting for him to be free' were just so gosh darned thrilled when he was ready to devote all his time to them! I guess in a way he was enabling everyone else to enable him.
Bottom line, after going through all the painful emotions that one goes through in cases like this, I've learned it's NOT a reflection on us, but rather them...and their neediness. It has nothing at all to do with 'us', and it never has.
Bottom line, after going through all the painful emotions that one goes through in cases like this, I've learned it's NOT a reflection on us, but rather them...and their neediness. It has nothing at all to do with 'us', and it never has.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
My understanding of the disease - gotta have something to help fill that "hole" in their soul - alcohol, drugs, high off new relationship, money, gambling, thrill of the chase, material possessions, blah, blah, blah.
Most of all remember - Rella, It's not about YOU - It's about his sickness. His illness, his defects of character caused by his disease. Not because of YOU!!!!!
((Rella))
Peace,
Rita
Most of all remember - Rella, It's not about YOU - It's about his sickness. His illness, his defects of character caused by his disease. Not because of YOU!!!!!
((Rella))
Peace,
Rita
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
how do they move on so quickly?
All emotions were buried a long time ago under the booze and/or drugs.
In reality, the practicing alkie and/or addict has only one MASTER.........the alcohol and/or drugs. The person they are living with is just a convenience. The alcohol and/or drugs MUST COME FIRST.
I know, that was me a little over 26 years ago, jumping from one sick relationship to another. Believe me, it is a HELL I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy!
J M H O
Love and hugs,
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
*Phew* ok I knew that answer but thank you guys! It is still is that tiny hankering that we get because of our own issues? *baby steps.....* ok I will get through this one too!
It is not as bad as it was the first time this happened when he was with someone when we were not even really broken up yet! I called him one night just to say hello-(BIG MISTAKE) full fledged CODIE kicked in! Some girl answered his phone-and said who are you??? I have been with J for a YEAR! If I could have went through that phone and choked him and her I would have! Instead I went over to his house and ransacked his work van! Pulled out things threw things all over the place!!! I was not happy!
Now ....hearing what I heard this morning-I can honestly say that I'am getting better slowly because I only got that small very small urge to tell him what an A$$ he is! But I know that it will be ABOUT HIM not ME! So it is a waste of energy!
Thank you guys for that boost and reminder that is "Not about Me" just needed the reminder!
It is not as bad as it was the first time this happened when he was with someone when we were not even really broken up yet! I called him one night just to say hello-(BIG MISTAKE) full fledged CODIE kicked in! Some girl answered his phone-and said who are you??? I have been with J for a YEAR! If I could have went through that phone and choked him and her I would have! Instead I went over to his house and ransacked his work van! Pulled out things threw things all over the place!!! I was not happy!
Now ....hearing what I heard this morning-I can honestly say that I'am getting better slowly because I only got that small very small urge to tell him what an A$$ he is! But I know that it will be ABOUT HIM not ME! So it is a waste of energy!
Thank you guys for that boost and reminder that is "Not about Me" just needed the reminder!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
For a moment Rella, I was going into that bottomless pit of "omg, I don't know what I would do if he,,,"
But after the last 8 days, who the hell CARES,,,,lol
We have to get to the place we KNOW its not about us. Never has been. Its ALWAYS been about them and their true mistress "alcohol".
If I am honest with myself, even when I was with my A, I knew, in my core, I never came first. It was a "feeling" a "sixth sense" if you will. I just never felt he was "paying attention" all the time. Really did have times I was concious of his distraction with our relationship. Even at some points, felt he was coming up with a "plan" that would make it easier for him to drink. Not sure if this is getting across in the typed word. But the point is, even when he was telling me and professing his "love" for me, he was oout for himself and what I "gave" him.
I'm trying to think of what I got in return?
Glad you came here, instead of beating up on the van again,,,
Peace
But after the last 8 days, who the hell CARES,,,,lol
We have to get to the place we KNOW its not about us. Never has been. Its ALWAYS been about them and their true mistress "alcohol".
If I am honest with myself, even when I was with my A, I knew, in my core, I never came first. It was a "feeling" a "sixth sense" if you will. I just never felt he was "paying attention" all the time. Really did have times I was concious of his distraction with our relationship. Even at some points, felt he was coming up with a "plan" that would make it easier for him to drink. Not sure if this is getting across in the typed word. But the point is, even when he was telling me and professing his "love" for me, he was oout for himself and what I "gave" him.
I'm trying to think of what I got in return?
Glad you came here, instead of beating up on the van again,,,
Peace
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
It happens Rella.
I remember one time right before Christmas, I got an email from a girl saying she was engaged to my ex and would I please leave him alone as they were trying to start a life together.
I wanted to say.."Stop! Hes a drunk, hes mean, hes irresponsible, dont do it! And ME Stop calling HIM? Spare me, its the other way around! Are you nuts ?!"
But then I realized, thats inviting the chaos to reconvene. I dont want that. So I deleted the email and blocked the address. Shes not my problem, he's not my problem.
It had nothing to do with me. Still doesnt.
Who he loved was the alcohol. She is an accessory, as was I.
I remember one time right before Christmas, I got an email from a girl saying she was engaged to my ex and would I please leave him alone as they were trying to start a life together.
I wanted to say.."Stop! Hes a drunk, hes mean, hes irresponsible, dont do it! And ME Stop calling HIM? Spare me, its the other way around! Are you nuts ?!"
But then I realized, thats inviting the chaos to reconvene. I dont want that. So I deleted the email and blocked the address. Shes not my problem, he's not my problem.
It had nothing to do with me. Still doesnt.
Who he loved was the alcohol. She is an accessory, as was I.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 239
(((rella)))
well, thats tough. i've been through that with x's in the past (its all the past, isn't it
) and i'm going through it again. this time, i'm the recovering alkie and he really is a good guy who dumped me because i really have no business being in that kind of relationship. its only been a month, but he has already aquired a close female "friend"... 
its hard to know, hard to let go, even when you know its all for the best.
some people just can't be without that "other"... not sure why.
but, rella, you've done right by you, and that is what counts. i know people say don't think of "him", work on you, but sometimes its hard.
sending good vibes your way, honey. you seem like a WonderWoman!!
((()))
gg
well, thats tough. i've been through that with x's in the past (its all the past, isn't it
) and i'm going through it again. this time, i'm the recovering alkie and he really is a good guy who dumped me because i really have no business being in that kind of relationship. its only been a month, but he has already aquired a close female "friend"... 
its hard to know, hard to let go, even when you know its all for the best.
some people just can't be without that "other"... not sure why.
but, rella, you've done right by you, and that is what counts. i know people say don't think of "him", work on you, but sometimes its hard.
sending good vibes your way, honey. you seem like a WonderWoman!!
((()))
gg
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
I actually do not really think of him AT ALL it has been a year since I got the restraining order and honestly 4 months or so with letting him go for good now! So it is working slowly-
Elizabeth "It had nothing to do with me. Still doesnt.
Who he loved was the alcohol. She is an accessory, as was I."
This says it all! LOVE THAT it is so true!
I knew the answer...just needed that extra boost to get me back there-So thankful for SR! All of you! (((hugs))) the boat was rocking but glad I was able to count on ME and all of you to get me back to reality! Brief moment of the "crazies" hey that is not bad it usaully lasts a few days this time it was only a couple of hours!
Elizabeth "It had nothing to do with me. Still doesnt.
Who he loved was the alcohol. She is an accessory, as was I."
This says it all! LOVE THAT it is so true!
I knew the answer...just needed that extra boost to get me back there-So thankful for SR! All of you! (((hugs))) the boat was rocking but glad I was able to count on ME and all of you to get me back to reality! Brief moment of the "crazies" hey that is not bad it usaully lasts a few days this time it was only a couple of hours!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I have a question-how do they move on so quickly? Just like we were nothing?
"they aren't MOVING ON, they are just continuing their normal behavior".
I believe it is US - that "move on" as we learn, we grow, and we change, and we get better. We move on to better things, a saner life, and a happier place!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
rella, i think a lot of A's are insecure and really do dislike who they are, whether they're still drinking or if they just have that mentality and never worked through it. lots of people who drink think that it gives them a boost... they think they're more "fun" to be around, they'd probably sit in a corner and no one would notice them without having a few in them.
sometimes, drinking makes them feel more comfortable in their own skin... and sometimes, bouncing from one person to the next is their way of compensating for the fact that they hate themselves. then, they need to find someone else to "care" about them to make up for the lack of care they feel for themselves, if that makes sense.
sometimes, drinking makes them feel more comfortable in their own skin... and sometimes, bouncing from one person to the next is their way of compensating for the fact that they hate themselves. then, they need to find someone else to "care" about them to make up for the lack of care they feel for themselves, if that makes sense.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Originally Posted by StandingStrong 
Rella, I can only give you my thoughts here as I'm not an alcoholic, but I believe that so many of the above posts are so right on the money! My first thought when I read the quoted question though was something like:
"they aren't MOVING ON, they are just continuing their normal behavior".
I believe it is US - that "move on" as we learn, we grow, and we change, and we get better. We move on to better things, a saner life, and a happier place!
"they aren't MOVING ON, they are just continuing their normal behavior".
I believe it is US - that "move on" as we learn, we grow, and we change, and we get better. We move on to better things, a saner life, and a happier place!
This along with the rest of the posts says it all!
I love your thoughts StandingStrong! It is the little growing pains that I feel as I hear things from people-and I cannot blame this person because they did not know about us not being together or his addiction! It is strange you get in that mode of I do not want him-but I do not want anyone else to have him-but then again when I get healthier I wont care AT ALL!
I'm in a much happier place and it will get happier! Thank all of you for being YOU!
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