HKAngel24

Yesterday I had pondered the whole getting the keys back business and I thank all of you lovely SR members for your support and responses...


I ended up getting the keys back but not after a dramatic encounter.
I am curious as to how each one of you deals with the drama the addict tends to dish out?
I suppose I am wasting time and energy psychoanalyzing him, but it seems that he likes to hint at things and sometimes play the pity card instead of outright asking me for what I want, like an adult.
When I do not feed into this or if I decide to remove myself from the situation - he gets extremely angry and sends me curt text messages or phone calls that basically amount to allot of pouting. Instead of expressing his feelings about what I just did- he goes on the defensive an starts dishing the emotional ammunition in retaliation.

Slllowwwlly, I am beginning to see the pattern instead of immediately reacting like a lunatic and shifting into a psychotic frenzy and "ohmygosh he will leave me" panic.

And to be quite honest I am ashamed that I still love him or that I am still speaking with him or agree to see him after the chaos and insanity his addiction has invited into my life. After the episode Monday where I reacted violently to news that he came high to a side job over the weekend and was picked up and dropped off by some girl - I launched into my hysterics. I accused him of cheating on me and basically became furious because of how HE was throwing his life away. Looking back that was a REALLY codependent response from me. I am realizing now that space is the only thing that can truly serve to keep me sane and hopefully one day detached from his choices and his addiction.

I have tried to make it more clear this time than ever that I cannot make decisions for him and I will not solve his problems for him or go out of my way to make life easier for him.(Which in truth feels deeply uncomfortable to not only assert that but stand my ground.)

Before the last relapse we had discussed me allowing him to stay with me for the summer while he attended this outpatient/was working close by on the condition that I would NOT under any circumstances do active addiction. He needs to move out of his apartment a month from now and continues to express to me his anxiety about finding living quarters.

I have told him that I just could not allow him to stay with me- that I love him, but I can't center my world around him and his recovery. As I have learned here and I relayed to him- addiction and recovery both have a look to them. If he is in recovery he will make it known in time.
This is very hard for me. The codependent part of me wants to dive right in and rescue but I know that is absolutely, positively the most unhealthy thing to do. This man has lied up and down and deceived me and deeply hurt me. I just can't take a front seat to the dramatics - which is a startling concept for me.

It all feels very hard- to try to love someone from afar when you have been so use to either being completely emeshed in them and with them all of the time OR completely distraught over them and experiencing deep anger and resentment.

So I suppose this post asks a two fold question - how does one deal with the dramatic antics that an addict orchestrates AND how do you love from a distance without giving yourself away again?

Ann

Something I found with my son was that I could not live in his addiction and live in my recovery at the same time. It wasn't until I let go of any thoughts of controlling his addiction/recovery that I was able to work my own program and learn to do what was right for me...as uncomfortable as that was at first.

I also learned that if he chose recovery and worked it, all would fall nicely into place and we could have a healthy relationship. If he stayed in his addiction, there was no part of it that I wanted in my life anymore.

And when I wondered where he was in his addiction/recovery, it was often the drama that gave me my answers. As recovery grows, the drama subsides.

Your post shows great growth in your recovery and self-care in your choices. Stay focused on that and let his drama belong to him. We left that theatre a long time ago.

Hugs

BigSis

The answer to number 1 is the same answer I give to the mom of a 2 year old throwing a tantrum....

Walk away.

The answer to number 2 is (for me)...

Finally figuring out what I *want* in a relationship instead of what I can *give* in a relationship.

Hope this helps.

parentrecovers

before i step into certain situations, i asked myself - "how is this helping me in my recovery?"

blessings, k

laurie6781

First you have to remember that in most cases you are dealing with a very immature individual that stopped growing and maturing when they started using and/or drinking. Thus it helps a lot to look on them as a Tantrum throwing 5 year old. Gives a whole new perspective to the chaos and drama.

If you have been able to get and keep that picture of the Tantrum throwing 5 year old in your head, then it becomes easier to love them from afar.

I got sober and clean 3 weeks shy of my 36th birthday, however, I was emotionally 12 years old (the age I started drinking.) I have an above average IQ, but even the first few years into recovery.............................there were some major incidents of temper tantrums on my part. I'm not proud of that, but today can understand that emotionally I was so inept when I got here, sheesh, I truly was a 12 year old.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Helene1

Angel... the others have a lot of solid advice. You do need to walk away. But I understand all your fears and reservations. In between the lies, the deceit and the hurtful words, there are still good times. I bet you have had tons of laughs, inside jokes, shared moments and shared words. Those are hard to leave behind even though right now the tough times are probably outweiging the positive aspects of your relationship. No doubt, you have the kind of connection to this guy that you cannot even put into words otherwise, neither of you would be hanging onto what you can of the other.

Even though that passionate connection may still exist at the core, it is the everyday sacrifices and the daily maintenance that nurture the relationship.... that maintain what you have built. He is not in a position to give it what you need until he is dedicated to complete recovery, as you have said.

Given this, especially since you are not living with or married to this guy, you are probably going to have to let go... set him free to find his OWN way. Take time away from him to reflect on WHY you are taking that step instead of fixating on what you can do or give to him. Picture his actions, lying, deceiving and possibly cheating and picture yourself accepting them. When you clear your mind of thoughts of him you may be better able to shift your focus to you.

Easier said than done though... I have a hard time focusing on myself and giving to myself when I feel that someone I love has rejected me because I asked them to get healthy. My mind knows that is twisted logic so I go through the motions of doing things for myself and focusing on me and I act 'as if'. I act as though I am confident in my decision, it was his loss and he will regret it even though I haven't completely embraced that as the truth... yet. I experience the typical codie feelings of 'if I were so great then he would....' and 'if he loved me enough then he would...'. How can I feel that I am this great person who I should focus all my energy on when I failed by abf and our relationship? That is an unfair burden Angel. We both know it. But as you have mentioned before, cognitions are a far cry from the nonsensical complexity of emotions.

You take yourself out of the situation but you love him from afar within your own parameters. If you will only accept him when he is clean for a certain amount of time and has proven with action that he is in active recovery and commited to your relationship then that is what HE will have to understand. If he is unwilling or not ready to deal with that, then the consequences are that he loses you because he has not given you adequate reason to respond to him. That means that he is falling short and you are compromising for two people and that does not constitute a relationship. This means finding it within to stay strong even though you love him very deeply. It seems counterintuitive but actions like those are done out of love... because you can't stand to watch him throw his life away.

I think that it is okay to know that you will always love him whether he is right beside you or he is on the other side of the earth. It is okay to give him a place in your heart forever. It is okay to think about the good times and remember how it was when you fell in love with him. No one can take that away from you... it is yours. Beyond that, he has to do the rest by himself and for himself.

To quote my amazing sister, "Helene, I think you gave him your best. It is up to the other person to decide what to do with all the love and information we have given them."

Helene1

Enjoy your trip Heather...

HKAngel24

Thanks all. I am leaving for vacation tomorrow and am going to set aside that time to do for me and to feel good about myself and laugh as much as I want and just relax. It's so uncharacteristic of me to be able to put things on pause in my life- I am the mind that is constantly working away.

marle

Angel, Have a great vacation. I know that it was not always my AD that produced the drama. I was responsible for about half of it until I decided to take myself out of the drama. It has worked for me, but it did not happen overnight. I just refused to get involved. Less contact equals less drama. Also I feel, like Ann, that I can't live with my AD and her addiction. It just does not make for a healthy relationship. I am powerless over everyone but me. Hugs, Marle

teke

great advice before me, just wishing you a good vacation and i'll be praying for you and your bf