As the "B" Turns
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
As the "B" Turns
Well as usual, lots of things happening in my life. My son Greg came up from Florida for a week. It was great. Then when he went back, my daughter Vicky went with him for good. She turns 18 in just a few weeks. I'll miss her 18th birthday, but she was determined to move back to Florida so I felt it would be a lot safer with her driving back down with her brother instead of that 11 hour trip alone.
When they left, I had a mini breakdown. All that anger I was harboring broke out into non stop tears for days. I miss my little babies. You know, the ones that grew up one night. I went from a full house, to a quite empty one. From all three still at home, to all three scattered between the states.
The guy that worked for me at the motel, the one I let live with his girlfriend in the bottom apartment for free the last 6 months.... turns out they were the ones robbing the place. When I asked them to leave they took the outside meter box, weather head, interior wiring and oh yes the power line all the way back to the power company pole. They were lucky, by the grace of God, I had the power company shut off power to the main building so I could clean out the underbrush and wouldn't have to worry about equipment or someone accidently touching their main line. Now the whole line is gone and the power company isn't too happy.
There is the distinct possibility that they were involved in my home being robbed too. Jerry says I brought it all on myself in a way. He says I let people use me. I feel sorry for them and can't say no. So I vowed to not get sucked in any more. We got tested on that. Vicky's last night here, some of her friends came by to see her off. Young kids about 17 and 18. They didn't have any money, pooled it all to get the gas to come see Vicky. Well, as they were comming up the drive, it had been raining, and the kid's car hit a patch of clay. Down he went. Oh yeah, the drop was about 30 feet. The car was being held up sideways by a small rock and a clump of grass. Ready to roll down the hill. Only two tires touching the ground. They are all ok but in a panic about what to do with the car.
I'm practicing not getting involved you know. So I sit back listening, no money for a tow truck. No mom and dad don't have any. Aunt doesn't. Call after call no one can help them. Tow truck company wants $120. It's now starting to get dark. I can't stand it any more. I take the phone away from them and make a few calls. Find a tow truck guy that agrees to pull them out for $45 cash. Then I stand firm. I'm not giving them the money. Oh but we'll pay you back, we swear! Nope I stood my ground......Then Jerry steps up and forks over the money!!! So guess what? Mr. I bring it on myself, got took. Of course they never came back with the money.
The investigating officer on the motel bulgary was giving me a lecture about helping people. Said there used to be a time that neighbor would help neighbor. Now it's neighbor helps neighbor then gets robbed beaten and killed for it. No more good deeds. He was right.
It's not easy. Just those kids, for me to say no, was so hard. It's not in my nature, not to help. I ponder the whole thing. There are some that deserve help, but there is no way to know which ones. If I were down on my luck, I think I would deserve help. I would appreciate a hand reaching out to help. Ultimately, I see good in all people until they prove me different. I don't want to be cold and hard hearted, yet I don't want to be used any more either. I don't know where the balance is. I've decided that I can only pray for guidance.
I pulled away from society once. Created my own prision in the walls of my home. I broke free of that. Then recently found myself reverting to it again. Pulling away because society didn't meet my expectations. Seeking the solitude of no interaction with other people, it makes it easy not to get hurt that way. But it's not realistic. I can't hide any more.
I think I'm growing. And with that comes growing pains. I'm learning to try to accept life on life's terms, not mine. Yes, I'm still dealing with a volcano of anger, fear and hurt. 44 years worth to be exact. But I think they are all comming to the surface now because I believe I'm finely ready for them.
Thank You all for listening. Just writing it down helps me validate myself and my feelings.
B
When they left, I had a mini breakdown. All that anger I was harboring broke out into non stop tears for days. I miss my little babies. You know, the ones that grew up one night. I went from a full house, to a quite empty one. From all three still at home, to all three scattered between the states.
The guy that worked for me at the motel, the one I let live with his girlfriend in the bottom apartment for free the last 6 months.... turns out they were the ones robbing the place. When I asked them to leave they took the outside meter box, weather head, interior wiring and oh yes the power line all the way back to the power company pole. They were lucky, by the grace of God, I had the power company shut off power to the main building so I could clean out the underbrush and wouldn't have to worry about equipment or someone accidently touching their main line. Now the whole line is gone and the power company isn't too happy.
There is the distinct possibility that they were involved in my home being robbed too. Jerry says I brought it all on myself in a way. He says I let people use me. I feel sorry for them and can't say no. So I vowed to not get sucked in any more. We got tested on that. Vicky's last night here, some of her friends came by to see her off. Young kids about 17 and 18. They didn't have any money, pooled it all to get the gas to come see Vicky. Well, as they were comming up the drive, it had been raining, and the kid's car hit a patch of clay. Down he went. Oh yeah, the drop was about 30 feet. The car was being held up sideways by a small rock and a clump of grass. Ready to roll down the hill. Only two tires touching the ground. They are all ok but in a panic about what to do with the car.
I'm practicing not getting involved you know. So I sit back listening, no money for a tow truck. No mom and dad don't have any. Aunt doesn't. Call after call no one can help them. Tow truck company wants $120. It's now starting to get dark. I can't stand it any more. I take the phone away from them and make a few calls. Find a tow truck guy that agrees to pull them out for $45 cash. Then I stand firm. I'm not giving them the money. Oh but we'll pay you back, we swear! Nope I stood my ground......Then Jerry steps up and forks over the money!!! So guess what? Mr. I bring it on myself, got took. Of course they never came back with the money.
The investigating officer on the motel bulgary was giving me a lecture about helping people. Said there used to be a time that neighbor would help neighbor. Now it's neighbor helps neighbor then gets robbed beaten and killed for it. No more good deeds. He was right.
It's not easy. Just those kids, for me to say no, was so hard. It's not in my nature, not to help. I ponder the whole thing. There are some that deserve help, but there is no way to know which ones. If I were down on my luck, I think I would deserve help. I would appreciate a hand reaching out to help. Ultimately, I see good in all people until they prove me different. I don't want to be cold and hard hearted, yet I don't want to be used any more either. I don't know where the balance is. I've decided that I can only pray for guidance.
I pulled away from society once. Created my own prision in the walls of my home. I broke free of that. Then recently found myself reverting to it again. Pulling away because society didn't meet my expectations. Seeking the solitude of no interaction with other people, it makes it easy not to get hurt that way. But it's not realistic. I can't hide any more.
I think I'm growing. And with that comes growing pains. I'm learning to try to accept life on life's terms, not mine. Yes, I'm still dealing with a volcano of anger, fear and hurt. 44 years worth to be exact. But I think they are all comming to the surface now because I believe I'm finely ready for them.
Thank You all for listening. Just writing it down helps me validate myself and my feelings.
B
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((B))) What a thing to go through. I am glad so much of that is behind you today.
I do know about the empty nest thing... but guess what (they come back). Sometimes, sooner than we expect.
(((hugs)))
I do know about the empty nest thing... but guess what (they come back). Sometimes, sooner than we expect.
(((hugs)))
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Frankly, your post touched my heart. That "suddenly empty nest" will soon turn out to be your quiet retreat, a peaceful place to just be you, and like BigSis said, the minute you start enjoying your freedom you know they'll be back for a visit.
And all your kindness has not been in vain. It's hard to discern between those who we can trust and those we cannot and between being kind and being used. You are wise to take a step back and let them find the answers for themselves, just like we did.
I think your recovery is shining, I see real growth and I recognize it because I had to grow one baby step at a time too.
You'll be fine, you already are.
Hugs
And all your kindness has not been in vain. It's hard to discern between those who we can trust and those we cannot and between being kind and being used. You are wise to take a step back and let them find the answers for themselves, just like we did.
I think your recovery is shining, I see real growth and I recognize it because I had to grow one baby step at a time too.
You'll be fine, you already are.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Like Ann and BigSis have said 'the Empty Nest" is a tough place to be at first. But I have found that I enjoy not being part of my child's drama anymore. The key was admitting that I don't have any power over what she does, only what choices I make and how I decide I want to live my life. Sending some hugs and feel free to vent anytime you want Frankly. We are here for you and won't ask anything in return. Hugs, Marle
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((Big Sis)) I keep looking out the window to see if Vicky's car is there, see if she got home alright.
((Ann)) ((marle)) I craved the quite time for so many years. I used to feel overwhelmed with three little ones and no one to help. Trying to work, worrying about bills. Now I have the time to spend with them, I would give anything I had to step back 10 years and just enjoy their youth.
((tropik)) I'll be OK. I told them I want grandbabies, and soon. They in return laughed at me and said it would be a long long time before that happened.
The last 23 years have been centered around those three kids. Everything I ever did was based on them. That was one reason I bought the motel. I wanted them to have a business to run, a place of their own. Only one, the oldest chose to stay. He told Vicky and Greg that their place would be waiting for them if they ever decided to take it.
My job as a Mother will never be over, I've just been demoted to consultant position instead of President.
Thank You All
B
((Ann)) ((marle)) I craved the quite time for so many years. I used to feel overwhelmed with three little ones and no one to help. Trying to work, worrying about bills. Now I have the time to spend with them, I would give anything I had to step back 10 years and just enjoy their youth.
((tropik)) I'll be OK. I told them I want grandbabies, and soon. They in return laughed at me and said it would be a long long time before that happened.
The last 23 years have been centered around those three kids. Everything I ever did was based on them. That was one reason I bought the motel. I wanted them to have a business to run, a place of their own. Only one, the oldest chose to stay. He told Vicky and Greg that their place would be waiting for them if they ever decided to take it.
My job as a Mother will never be over, I've just been demoted to consultant position instead of President.
Thank You All
B
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Hi B, Hugs from one mom to another. I have nothing to add but really liked your post, it gave me alot of food for thought. I also am so used to being a mother & being needed it is hard to judge where helping turns into hurting. I want my own life with my husband, I feel we deserve it. Just hard not to be involved in their affairs. I do not want to be a meddler.
Love,
Diane
Love,
Diane
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((((B))))))))))
Not much to add, sweetie. I do know about the empty nest thing.
It's kinda drivin' me crazy. lol
I now, not only talk to the cat, but out loud to myself. Scary.
I don't watch the news at all. If I did, I would never step outside my apartment.
So, I'm sending up loving prayers for us all, for guidance and mercy, after all we've been through with our addicts and other loved ones.
Try to stay out of the drama. It's the best "advice" I can come up with for us both.
Your in my thoughts, prayers, and heart...
Linda
Not much to add, sweetie. I do know about the empty nest thing.
It's kinda drivin' me crazy. lol
I now, not only talk to the cat, but out loud to myself. Scary.
I don't watch the news at all. If I did, I would never step outside my apartment.
So, I'm sending up loving prayers for us all, for guidance and mercy, after all we've been through with our addicts and other loved ones.
Try to stay out of the drama. It's the best "advice" I can come up with for us both.
Your in my thoughts, prayers, and heart...
Linda
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: totally lost
Posts: 250
Ann and Marle are soooo right. Very quickly that empty nest turns into a peaceful, calm environment and when they come back to visit, you can't wait for them to leave again. :-) I was surprised at how quickly it happens too. I guess this is a case where time heals all. But I sure do know how you feel right now so sending...
**{Hugs}} Barb
**{Hugs}} Barb
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((Frankly)))
It may take a bit to start enjoying the solitude of the empty nest, but believe me, as time goes on, you will.
Hey dance naked if you want! The kids are gone!
Give yourself time, time heals the heart.....
It may take a bit to start enjoying the solitude of the empty nest, but believe me, as time goes on, you will.
Hey dance naked if you want! The kids are gone!
Give yourself time, time heals the heart.....
Last edited by mooselips; 11-19-2007 at 06:33 PM.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((Moose)) I just love your suggestion. Jerry did too. So I'll leave you all with that vision and thought. Two middle aged teenagers dancing through the house naked.
Thank You all for your prayers and words of comfort. I knew you guys would understand what I'm feeling right now. I don't have a mom to talk to, never have had one. But I feel the same love and compashion from all of you, that I would have wanted from my own mom. Thank You.
B
Thank You all for your prayers and words of comfort. I knew you guys would understand what I'm feeling right now. I don't have a mom to talk to, never have had one. But I feel the same love and compashion from all of you, that I would have wanted from my own mom. Thank You.
B
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I can relate to a few of the issues.
The empty nest for me meant both children left home, in handcuffs.
I was so depressed I couldn't focus on anything. This was 2 years ago. I found SR thank heaven, (I have since changed my ID, but I came back because of all the help here.)
About 3 months later, I found that I was over the depression, and discovered I loved the peace. I could now do tons of things that I couldn't do before because of all the chaos. I didn't have to drive anyone anywhere, I didnt' have to cook, I wasnt' doing everyone elses laundry. I learned to be thankful for that.
The helping people thing hits home too.
I am a helper too. But, the way things have changed in this world, it's usually about getting used. I found other ways to help people. Like donations to charities etc.
I have to wonder what the world will be like in 10 years with all the crime and drug addicts that seem to multiply like crazy.
I hope your day is better by the time you read this!
Take care.
The empty nest for me meant both children left home, in handcuffs.
I was so depressed I couldn't focus on anything. This was 2 years ago. I found SR thank heaven, (I have since changed my ID, but I came back because of all the help here.)
About 3 months later, I found that I was over the depression, and discovered I loved the peace. I could now do tons of things that I couldn't do before because of all the chaos. I didn't have to drive anyone anywhere, I didnt' have to cook, I wasnt' doing everyone elses laundry. I learned to be thankful for that.
The helping people thing hits home too.
I am a helper too. But, the way things have changed in this world, it's usually about getting used. I found other ways to help people. Like donations to charities etc.
I have to wonder what the world will be like in 10 years with all the crime and drug addicts that seem to multiply like crazy.
I hope your day is better by the time you read this!
Take care.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i like what you said about being demoted, trusted me, sometimes i wish i could go back to being president too. they do come back but when mine come back, they could with all kind of new drama that i just don't want no part in. needing to be consulted. i don't know which is worse sometimes. sorry you're feeling sad, but i think you'll grow to love the peace or them being grown up as long as they know how to handle their own issues.
i also have a problem walking away from needy people, they do sometimes take that for a weakness and then abuse your help, its happened to me so many times. its just you, you're are such a loving person, its sad that those kind of people can't see it for what it is. i'm praying for you, your kids and your empty nest syndrome
i also have a problem walking away from needy people, they do sometimes take that for a weakness and then abuse your help, its happened to me so many times. its just you, you're are such a loving person, its sad that those kind of people can't see it for what it is. i'm praying for you, your kids and your empty nest syndrome
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
oh boy mr rahsue and I long for an empty nest even if its for a lousy weekend.
not only is my "r"as son with us but my 31 ss and his girl and my 8 month old grandson (well he can stay) lucky I have a three story house. but oh wow would I like some quiet
not only is my "r"as son with us but my 31 ss and his girl and my 8 month old grandson (well he can stay) lucky I have a three story house. but oh wow would I like some quiet
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Ultimately, I see good in all people until they prove me different. I don't want to be cold and hard hearted, yet I don't want to be used any more either. I don't know where the balance is. I've decided that I can only pray for guidance.
You are such a strong and caring woman...you've been through so much but you keep growing and moving forward.
I really relate to what you said here. I've found seeking that guidance from my HP helps me to find the balance. I am learning step by step to say no when it doesn't feel right and to say it in a nice way. I've found more often than not that the reaction is respect rather than the anger I feared. I will probably always "overtrust" but I have decided that if I knowingly choose that and there are consequnces, so be it. I would prefer that to becoming cold or distant...
Hugs...thanks for sharing here; your posts are always insightful and inspiring.
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