Need support - Tossed him out
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: ontario canada
Posts: 28
Need support - Tossed him out
Hi everyone. Well this past near week has been a doozy. To make a long and horrid story short, I went out of town mid week last week with a female friend. She ended up inviting her ex b/f to our hotel room (I wasnt' comfortable with it, she didn't care) and along came a friend with him. To sum it up, while I was using the bathroom, she and her ex left the room, leaving behind the b/f's friend. He ended up assaulting me and attempting to force himself on me. I struggled and fought back. My friend came back, I finally was able to book it out of there and hopped a subway to another friends house where I stayed until Friday when I came home. When I finally got A on the phone to tell him I was at X friends house and tell him what happened, he flipped out. I was near wild with hysteria and bawling my head off, needing my A to be supportive and there for me. All he heard was men in hotel room and he went off on a jealous rage tangent, I was cheating blah blah blah. I lost it. My friend tried talking via phone with him to no avail for nearly a hour. When I arrived home Friday, A came home from work and wildly ran around the house grabbing clothes and turns out his brother was heading to our town to pick him up. His brother and sis in law are hard core drinkers. Great. There was a quick bad scene between A and I. Then I was just left all weekend a royal mess. Saturday morning I had several abusive calls from A, I have never heard him speak like that, it was vile and evil and heart breaking. I must have wanted it, it was all my fault, I should have fought back harder to escape that room sooner. Of course the fact that I'm 5'2" and 130lbs and this guy was 6'3" and about 240lbs (maybe more???) didn't phase him. Then silence all day until the suck up call on Saturday night, or should I say series of calls. He went from apologizing, pleading, crying, to yelling and abusive crap spewed at me. I finally hung up when I couldn't breath, I was hyperventilating and my hands were curling up from lack of oxygen. I said you are NOT to come back to town and come to this house. Period. Then hung up.
Mother's Day was spent with both kids elsewhere as I didn't want him popping up here and carrying on, they have never seen anythinglike this and didn't plan to start. So not much of a Mom's day for me! Of course he showed up here by noon, luckily his sis who lives here in town had already come to check on me and was here. I had her ttake him home to her place. He was of course crying, bringing Mother's Day flowers (gag me at that point).
He is now living at his sisters house. His rage has ended. Sick thing is all this behaviour and outbursts are how he is when he is off the wagon. This time, this was all sober. Can you believe he maintained sobriety during all of this? Yet how can I be impressed when he was a abusive pri$K AND sober???
He has spoken with the human resource lady at work, arranging anger management, addiction counselling and private therapy. Well good for him. He apologized to me and told me he can acknowledge now that he has become abusive towards me. Again, well good for him. He asked if I'd go to couples counselling. I told him I can't commit to anything at this point except that he cannot be in MY house. Period. I told him to go off and work on himself and I may or may not have something to say at some point in the future. But not to bank on it.
Sadly, I love this man so much and see the 90% of his character that offers all I could want in a partner. But the 10% that is unbearable are true deal breakers. I am afraid to risk another opportunity, even if he does work on his issues.
Meanwhile, I came home to a empty apartment with no support for myself. I broke out in hives/rash (nerves/stress) by Sunday morning and today it has gotten worse instead of better. So I went to my doctor today and came home with so much stuff I swear I needed a crane practically to carry the bag from the pharmacy. I am being referred for sexual assault therapy. I feel very isolated and alone. I can't really even care about A or his plan or his state of mind at this time. I have my own crap going on. I am so grateful that there is something up there bigger than us because I swear that someone other than me was there in that room fighting to stop the inevitable from happening. My nose is killing me, apparently I have crushed cartilage on the tip of my nose. Doesn't bode well for nose blowing seeing as I can't seem to stop crying so am going through kleenex like crazy
.
The house feels empty, my oldest (son, 14) knows that A probably won't be back, and if he is ever back it won't be for a long time and then only if he has really gotten the help he needs. I made him no promises. My youngest (daughter 7) doesn't really get when A isn't here. I just told her he had alot of stuff going on and he's staying at his sister's house to get it done.
I managed to remake Mothers day on Monday, made dinner for me and the kids, picked up a mom's day cake at the bakery, lit some candles etc. It still wasn't the same.
Anyhow, this is just basically a vent/dump session because I really and truly have nobody to talk to or turn to for support. It has now been 6 days since I was attacked and I'm not accepting it or processing it. I mean, do I just lose it to let it all out ? Well how does one do that when I had 2 kids depending on me, a home, bills, packing up A's stuff etc?? Then because I haven't dealt with any emotions from THAT, I feel like I'm stuck and can't process emotions about having A move out.
This just sucks, I'm guessing many of you will relate at least to the part that it sucks.
Mother's Day was spent with both kids elsewhere as I didn't want him popping up here and carrying on, they have never seen anythinglike this and didn't plan to start. So not much of a Mom's day for me! Of course he showed up here by noon, luckily his sis who lives here in town had already come to check on me and was here. I had her ttake him home to her place. He was of course crying, bringing Mother's Day flowers (gag me at that point).
He is now living at his sisters house. His rage has ended. Sick thing is all this behaviour and outbursts are how he is when he is off the wagon. This time, this was all sober. Can you believe he maintained sobriety during all of this? Yet how can I be impressed when he was a abusive pri$K AND sober???
He has spoken with the human resource lady at work, arranging anger management, addiction counselling and private therapy. Well good for him. He apologized to me and told me he can acknowledge now that he has become abusive towards me. Again, well good for him. He asked if I'd go to couples counselling. I told him I can't commit to anything at this point except that he cannot be in MY house. Period. I told him to go off and work on himself and I may or may not have something to say at some point in the future. But not to bank on it.
Sadly, I love this man so much and see the 90% of his character that offers all I could want in a partner. But the 10% that is unbearable are true deal breakers. I am afraid to risk another opportunity, even if he does work on his issues.
Meanwhile, I came home to a empty apartment with no support for myself. I broke out in hives/rash (nerves/stress) by Sunday morning and today it has gotten worse instead of better. So I went to my doctor today and came home with so much stuff I swear I needed a crane practically to carry the bag from the pharmacy. I am being referred for sexual assault therapy. I feel very isolated and alone. I can't really even care about A or his plan or his state of mind at this time. I have my own crap going on. I am so grateful that there is something up there bigger than us because I swear that someone other than me was there in that room fighting to stop the inevitable from happening. My nose is killing me, apparently I have crushed cartilage on the tip of my nose. Doesn't bode well for nose blowing seeing as I can't seem to stop crying so am going through kleenex like crazy
. The house feels empty, my oldest (son, 14) knows that A probably won't be back, and if he is ever back it won't be for a long time and then only if he has really gotten the help he needs. I made him no promises. My youngest (daughter 7) doesn't really get when A isn't here. I just told her he had alot of stuff going on and he's staying at his sister's house to get it done.
I managed to remake Mothers day on Monday, made dinner for me and the kids, picked up a mom's day cake at the bakery, lit some candles etc. It still wasn't the same.
Anyhow, this is just basically a vent/dump session because I really and truly have nobody to talk to or turn to for support. It has now been 6 days since I was attacked and I'm not accepting it or processing it. I mean, do I just lose it to let it all out ? Well how does one do that when I had 2 kids depending on me, a home, bills, packing up A's stuff etc?? Then because I haven't dealt with any emotions from THAT, I feel like I'm stuck and can't process emotions about having A move out.
This just sucks, I'm guessing many of you will relate at least to the part that it sucks.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
Hoo boy, yes you're right it sucks big time.
You were probably right to toss him out, and to tell him not to bank on coming back. He needs to work on his stuff, and you on your stuff, and no promises about what happens after that. I mean, really, who needs someone who flies off the handle like he did when you need support and help??
Definitely go to the counseling sessions. Don't worry about A, let him take care of himself, and dump that girlfriend!
Now being an ACOA myself I don't know how people do Mother's Day (I don't bother) but isn't it something the kids are supposed to do for YOU? a 14 yr old boy is old enough to put something together for mom on Mother's Day. You need those kids to pull some of their own weight as appropriate for their age and a 14 yr old is capable of doing a lot. I know when I was a teen I felt pretty useless as I wasn't allowed to do anything, and that's terrible for one's self esteem and future work skills. I bet that boy of yours can be very helpful and useful with a little direction from mom! and it'll be good for him too.
You were probably right to toss him out, and to tell him not to bank on coming back. He needs to work on his stuff, and you on your stuff, and no promises about what happens after that. I mean, really, who needs someone who flies off the handle like he did when you need support and help??
Definitely go to the counseling sessions. Don't worry about A, let him take care of himself, and dump that girlfriend!
Now being an ACOA myself I don't know how people do Mother's Day (I don't bother) but isn't it something the kids are supposed to do for YOU? a 14 yr old boy is old enough to put something together for mom on Mother's Day. You need those kids to pull some of their own weight as appropriate for their age and a 14 yr old is capable of doing a lot. I know when I was a teen I felt pretty useless as I wasn't allowed to do anything, and that's terrible for one's self esteem and future work skills. I bet that boy of yours can be very helpful and useful with a little direction from mom! and it'll be good for him too.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
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I posted on here several month's ago regarding a book titled "Why Does He Do That?" It has to do with abusive/controlling men, some of whom are alcoholics, but many who are not. If your kinda-ex went on a rant sober, it could have to do with him venting about his own insecurities. He may just be an abusive sort of guy. Alcoholics generally do become abusive the longer they use, but there are some who never get mean. However, based on my own personal experience, I've never known an A who has been particularly pleasant the longer they've been drinking.
How about letting him work a program, get counseling, or whatever else he feels he needs. Take a wait and see attitude. So many times they promise us all this stuff they're going to do to make things better as a way to hook us back in. Be cautiously optimistic, but it sounds as if for now it would do you a world of good to keep him out of your life. It will give you an opportunity to find out if he's sincere about getting the help he needs.
How about letting him work a program, get counseling, or whatever else he feels he needs. Take a wait and see attitude. So many times they promise us all this stuff they're going to do to make things better as a way to hook us back in. Be cautiously optimistic, but it sounds as if for now it would do you a world of good to keep him out of your life. It will give you an opportunity to find out if he's sincere about getting the help he needs.
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
(((Confused)))
Way to go for fighting for yourself Confused! You sound like you are prepared to kick a$$ for yourself at any cost and it's inspiring! To go through all of that and not utterly fall apart but instead stand up for yourself - you are amazing to me!
If alcoholism were only about alcohol, removing it would fix everything.
I'm so sorry you went through this - glad you came out of it fighting for you!
Way to go for fighting for yourself Confused! You sound like you are prepared to kick a$$ for yourself at any cost and it's inspiring! To go through all of that and not utterly fall apart but instead stand up for yourself - you are amazing to me!
Originally Posted by confusedgf 
Sick thing is all this behaviour and outbursts are how he is when he is off the wagon. This time, this was all sober. Can you believe he maintained sobriety during all of this? Yet how can I be impressed when he was a abusive pri$K AND sober???
I'm so sorry you went through this - glad you came out of it fighting for you!
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
((((Confused)))))
You sound as if you are in the spot for fighting for your life! Good job! It always amazed me when they are just as nasty when they are sober as when they are drunk! Not impressive at all!!
Good for you Confused!
You sound as if you are in the spot for fighting for your life! Good job! It always amazed me when they are just as nasty when they are sober as when they are drunk! Not impressive at all!!
Good for you Confused!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: ontario canada
Posts: 28
Thank you all. It is very tough. I truly am not hanging on all that well. Hives all over my body now on day 4 or maybe it's 5. I want to tear my skin off, it's so itchy and I can't leave the house because my body is covered, I'd scare people!!! I'm on the med train for my nerves, for sleep, for the hives. I swear everything that actually helps just puts me to sleep. I feel like a shadow of myself. I am fighting the thoughts of A the best I can. I want to learn to unlove him, I don't know how. I do know I don't want anymore BS and I can't take it anymore. I am definitly going to be letting go of him at this point and who knows, maybe he'll work on his stuff. My bet is that once he sees that it isn't enough to go to a few appointments then move back home, he's going to think to himself that it is just too hard, too much work, and that will be it. So I'm not betting the bank, not even the change jar. I do have to work on my stuff. I have been considering going to alanon meetings, I have heard great things of a local group. Problem is childcare but I'm going to make some calls today for times/locations of meetings and see if there is a way I can attend at some point this week.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: ontario canada
Posts: 28
Well I called the mother of an old friend who I know is active with Alanon, and who also works volunteering at the local sexual assault outreach center. She was on her way out but will call me later today. I found it hard to make the call. Because I know in doing so I am searching for support to keep me strong with A, and also that I will have to start dealing with last weeks incident when I was out of town. Both very intimidating to me at this point. I really need the encouragement and support that alanon offers people (from what I've heard anyhow) because I'm talking tough, I'm sending the right message to A, I am showing him no sign of cracks in my insistence that he be gone. Then there's the truth. I miss the good in him, I miss the laughing and snuggling at night, eating dinner together, laying beside him while he's falling asleep and I'm reading a book. I don't feel strong enough to stand my ground, but I know I have to find the way to do just that.
I'm beginning to get a bit angry. At A, at the situation he is placed our lives in,etc. I am fighting off the urge to understand him, because I really can see his insecurities and fears and how it has affected his life and therefore my life. But that isn't going to change him if he doesn't want something better in my life. It is all extra sad because underneath there is a good man, with potential to be a great man. But right now all I see in my mind when I think of him is a great big red flashing screaming siren telling me DANGER DANGER DANGER WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE AND WILL CRUSH YOUR SPIRIT ENTIRELY!
I have to get it together and not be thinking of his crap at all, it IS his crap truly and not mine. I'm trying to stay focused on what I need right now and take steps to feeling better. It is very hard. I am trying this morning to find strength in my blessings. This home is MY home. I am not losing a home, just a man I formerly shared it with. My kids aren't his, so no need for contact or fighting post-train wreck. I am financially independent, so I do not need A to make sure bills are paid or me and my kids needs are met. I have my wonderfully loving dog to snuggle with at night and give me unconditional love. I am in a better position than many going through similiar situations than others. I think I have to stay focused on those right now. And on that note, I am praying that I don't get any phone calls from him today. I have call display and won't answer, but even seeing the number is tough.
I'm rambling now, sorry.
I'm beginning to get a bit angry. At A, at the situation he is placed our lives in,etc. I am fighting off the urge to understand him, because I really can see his insecurities and fears and how it has affected his life and therefore my life. But that isn't going to change him if he doesn't want something better in my life. It is all extra sad because underneath there is a good man, with potential to be a great man. But right now all I see in my mind when I think of him is a great big red flashing screaming siren telling me DANGER DANGER DANGER WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE AND WILL CRUSH YOUR SPIRIT ENTIRELY!
I have to get it together and not be thinking of his crap at all, it IS his crap truly and not mine. I'm trying to stay focused on what I need right now and take steps to feeling better. It is very hard. I am trying this morning to find strength in my blessings. This home is MY home. I am not losing a home, just a man I formerly shared it with. My kids aren't his, so no need for contact or fighting post-train wreck. I am financially independent, so I do not need A to make sure bills are paid or me and my kids needs are met. I have my wonderfully loving dog to snuggle with at night and give me unconditional love. I am in a better position than many going through similiar situations than others. I think I have to stay focused on those right now. And on that note, I am praying that I don't get any phone calls from him today. I have call display and won't answer, but even seeing the number is tough.
I'm rambling now, sorry.
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Join Date: May 2007
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All of what you are saying sounds so familiar Confused,,,
It sounds like what turned out to be my personal bottom. Only then did I begin the climb to take care of myself.
You have the additional burden of a traumatic experience the weekend before.
It sucks when time and time again the person who is supposed to be there to support and encourage you disapoints.
Only when I realized, truly realized, my A was NEVER going to be able to fullfill being my partner, did I look beyond him to find the help I needed. Al anon, family, friends and SR have been sent by the spirits. And I use them EVERYDAY!!!
(((((Confused)))))
Peace
It sounds like what turned out to be my personal bottom. Only then did I begin the climb to take care of myself.
You have the additional burden of a traumatic experience the weekend before.
It sucks when time and time again the person who is supposed to be there to support and encourage you disapoints.
Only when I realized, truly realized, my A was NEVER going to be able to fullfill being my partner, did I look beyond him to find the help I needed. Al anon, family, friends and SR have been sent by the spirits. And I use them EVERYDAY!!!
(((((Confused)))))
Peace
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