justjo

I have been popping in and out of the 'Alcoholism' Forum as I seem to get alot from it. One of the threads became well, quite a discussion and it became obvious to me why I continue to be strong one day and then a sucker the next.
I see my alcoholic sister in my father. My father was not an alcoholic but he had Parkinson Disease for 20 years. My fathers condition affected his nervous system which in turn made him very emotional. Growing up he had nothing much to do with me but had a great relationship with my baby sister.
It was always the poor me syndrome, Im doing this because, Im doing this because... Feel sorry for me or I wont acknowledge you but you must help me out when I need it. My father obviously had no control over his disease but emotionally it affected us as adults. No love, no hugs, no encouragement for me but I had to be just Joanne. As I was the oldest I had to be strong but I had to be forgiving.
Does any of this make sense. What I am saying is, I am repeating the same with her. I was feeling sorry for her, angry at her, helping her. Its an emotional game. Relieved too that I do know the pattern I continue to do, even with my children sometimes. Maybe some of you relate hey?

LaTeeDa

I can totally relate. I was the oldest child, too. Always the one who didn't have a problem, the one who didn't need any care. Always felt like I needed to 'earn' love. No one 'had to' love me cause I was just fine without it. Never felt like I was worthy of love just for being me, had to do something to get someone to love me. The root of my 'fixing disorder.'

Recognizing it is half the battle. Good on you.

L

SaTiT

It makes sense to me.
I can relate, while not exactly the same...there's so many similarities.

Rella927

Yup uh huh........It makes TOTAL sense! I was the baby of 5 children-and we all were affected by my A parents (mom with physiological problems too) Dad a Doctor and Mom a nurse-always busy, party's, work, we had a full time nanny-and when we did get attention from the parents it was on a ok your turn basis and a timed thing! My Dad actually tucked me in every night and read me a story-but the nanny, my brothers and sister- fed me, bathed me, played with me! Mom did not do any of that. Was very sad and pointed out to me at my older years that I would come home from school around 10 years old and literally stand on the edge of the room on the little thingee where it separated the two rooms and not set foot into the room my parents were because it was "Cocktail hour" and I was not allowed in the room where there was alcohol (Imagine that but I was allowed in the house where it was or subjected to the behavior of it) I would say hello and try to talk about my day and nope that was enough "we will talk later" but later never came.

Relate? Yes for sure! (((((JUSTO)))))

parentrecovers

different people in families take on different roles - that can carry throughout our lives. makes sense to me, k

laurie6781

By Jove, you've had an awakening about Step 2.

"Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

The definition of Insanity is:

The repetition of the same acts or actions expecting different results.

As we learn to change how we act or react to the A in our life our sanity returns, usually long with some peace and serenity. Of course, in order to change our acts and/or actions, we have to have self awareness.

Sounds to me like you have really been working on you! Way to go!

Love and hugs,

StandingStrong

I can relate. Not from the same experience but from the same "patterned behavior". You see, both of my grandfather's were alcoholics. While my parents did not abuse alcohol (and drank a beer like once a year) - a counselor at my brother's rehab told me mom that while she didn't drink, she acted like an alcoholic. I didn't fully understand that, of course, until I found myself married to an active and progressing alcoholic. And then I began to see the similarities. (Emotionally uninvolved, spending lots of time alone, etc). It was in seeing the patterns that I began to understand why "I" had accepted my XAH's behavior so easily! It was what I was used too.

So, in that sense, yes - it makes perfect sense to me.

justjo

Great and thanks - I mean you all understand me. You know, the thing is growing up you really dont know how its going to affect you do you. I was tamed to think that this is what you do, this is how you do it, no time for you, you are the oldest and you have to help out. I always tried to please them, always got the A grades in primary school. Take it home so proud with ok give to me to sign and take it back to school.
I was programmed in up till this awakening, that you love your parents no matter what, you just didnt question it. They werent to blame for anything, especially the way you think. If my 'a' sister said something mean to mum when she was drunk, my mother would tell her not to be so stupid and where the hell is this coming from. I know my mum did all she could cos at that time she was only working to pay the bills.
Anyway, yeah, sometimes I just cant seem to (find a reason with them for the way I am) my lesson in life was, dont ask questions, just do what you have to do.
I would like to thank Mr. Music for helping me to understand.