Why is the pull so strong?
Just a fool, swimming in love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 164
Why is the pull so strong?
Why would we be so attracted to people who are so bad for us?
This is just one explaination but it's a powerful one.
It's the fear of death.
When we were little, losing our A's meant death, literally.
We could not survive on our own.
Now we are bigger and stronger and we want it to turn out differently.
We want to be happy and whole and healed.
We couldn't save our parents but we know that saving our A will be our salvation.
This time we will be good enough, this time we will love them enough...
That they will love us back!
So, how is it working?
Maybe we're trying to save the wrong person.
This is just one explaination but it's a powerful one.
It's the fear of death.
When we were little, losing our A's meant death, literally.
We could not survive on our own.
Now we are bigger and stronger and we want it to turn out differently.
We want to be happy and whole and healed.
We couldn't save our parents but we know that saving our A will be our salvation.
This time we will be good enough, this time we will love them enough...
That they will love us back!
So, how is it working?
Maybe we're trying to save the wrong person.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,035
Originally Posted by Sunlight81 
Why would we be so attracted to people who are so bad for us?
So, how is it working?
Maybe we're trying to save the wrong person.
So, how is it working?
Maybe we're trying to save the wrong person.
It's not working.
Yep, my eyes are slowly opening to that fact.
Some good thoughts, Sunlight, thank you for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Maybe it Fear of the unknown.
We know what life is with an Alcoholic, what we dont know is what life without one is like... Most people seem to gravitate to what they know.... because then we dont have to change, grow.... growth is hurtful and hard and for many the unknown is worse then the known.
Of course there is always the thought that it is our self image that is the problem... our own self worth. I will attract people as sick as I am... the healthier I get the men that approach me are also much healthier.... As I learn to love myself, I treat myself better and will not allow unaceptable behavior...
We know what life is with an Alcoholic, what we dont know is what life without one is like... Most people seem to gravitate to what they know.... because then we dont have to change, grow.... growth is hurtful and hard and for many the unknown is worse then the known.
Of course there is always the thought that it is our self image that is the problem... our own self worth. I will attract people as sick as I am... the healthier I get the men that approach me are also much healthier.... As I learn to love myself, I treat myself better and will not allow unaceptable behavior...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
It is working well for me--as your avitar says 'love conquers fear'
Remeber though that is as a mother.of an AS in recovery.
I was married to an A years ago-I look back and wonder how I ever married him?
I realize now-I was looking for someone to hurt me-as I didn't feel worthy-I thought I didn't deserve any better for myself.That came from being sexually abused as a child I know that now--so now as you say-I am working on me.Its going OK so far.Takes time but leaving my spouce was easy.
And nope my parents didn't drink--except socially.
Remeber though that is as a mother.of an AS in recovery.
I was married to an A years ago-I look back and wonder how I ever married him?
I realize now-I was looking for someone to hurt me-as I didn't feel worthy-I thought I didn't deserve any better for myself.That came from being sexually abused as a child I know that now--so now as you say-I am working on me.Its going OK so far.Takes time but leaving my spouce was easy.
And nope my parents didn't drink--except socially.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Interesting discussion I think...
Neither of my parents were addicts as such but there was no love, no hugs, no encouragement, no real togetherness. My father was an ill man who kept to himself and my mother worked all the time and never there. I had to look after myself.
You know I never really thought about this question, up and till now.
I guess I seem to try and save people, or maybe, always be available to people. People say how compassionate I am but really I remember times in relationships with men. I never felt worthy or special no matter how they tried to please me. I think it was because I didnt get it as a child and this was a hard task for me. Even accepting a man who was affectionate. Wow, a guy actually hugging me. It felt quite unusual. Today though I love it and have learnt to give it back over the years. I now even kiss and hug my mum and she does it back now.
Yes life is about self worth and attitude.
Maybe,
Neither of my parents were addicts as such but there was no love, no hugs, no encouragement, no real togetherness. My father was an ill man who kept to himself and my mother worked all the time and never there. I had to look after myself.
You know I never really thought about this question, up and till now.
I guess I seem to try and save people, or maybe, always be available to people. People say how compassionate I am but really I remember times in relationships with men. I never felt worthy or special no matter how they tried to please me. I think it was because I didnt get it as a child and this was a hard task for me. Even accepting a man who was affectionate. Wow, a guy actually hugging me. It felt quite unusual. Today though I love it and have learnt to give it back over the years. I now even kiss and hug my mum and she does it back now.
Yes life is about self worth and attitude.
Maybe,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Neither of my parents were A's, but they were abusive and/or neglectful.
I wasn't a person, I was a "thing" that was to be ordered about.
I wasn't permitted to make my own decisions. My father frequently
told me the things I said were "stupid." My mother wasn't interested
in me in a normal, healthy way .... she was downright intrusive and sneaky.
She wouldn't allow me to have a life of my own; I don't even think she
felt I deserved a life of my own. Thus, I grew up trying to please two
never-to-be-pleased parents. What a perfect scenario that led to my
getting involved my entire adult life with abusive, controlling men -
many of whom were alcoholics.
A lot of them started out quite charming until the novelty of the
relationship wore off for them. Then I'd find myself running after
emotionally unavailable, cold, selfish men. This time I'd make my
dad love me and notice me. This time I'd be more than an object
or a "thing" to order about. After many years of therapy, I've accepted
my parents for what they were. Nothing I can do will undo the past.
However, I know why I've glommed onto addicts and why I've made
so many attempts to "save" them from themselves. Once I saw the
pattern, I realized I did not have a clue what a healthy relationship
was about or how to be a healthy partner. But until I finally realized
the truth, I wasn't able to get un- stuck in the loop of falling in "love"
with a lot of pretty crummy guys.
I wasn't a person, I was a "thing" that was to be ordered about.
I wasn't permitted to make my own decisions. My father frequently
told me the things I said were "stupid." My mother wasn't interested
in me in a normal, healthy way .... she was downright intrusive and sneaky.
She wouldn't allow me to have a life of my own; I don't even think she
felt I deserved a life of my own. Thus, I grew up trying to please two
never-to-be-pleased parents. What a perfect scenario that led to my
getting involved my entire adult life with abusive, controlling men -
many of whom were alcoholics.
A lot of them started out quite charming until the novelty of the
relationship wore off for them. Then I'd find myself running after
emotionally unavailable, cold, selfish men. This time I'd make my
dad love me and notice me. This time I'd be more than an object
or a "thing" to order about. After many years of therapy, I've accepted
my parents for what they were. Nothing I can do will undo the past.
However, I know why I've glommed onto addicts and why I've made
so many attempts to "save" them from themselves. Once I saw the
pattern, I realized I did not have a clue what a healthy relationship
was about or how to be a healthy partner. But until I finally realized
the truth, I wasn't able to get un- stuck in the loop of falling in "love"
with a lot of pretty crummy guys.
Just a fool, swimming in love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 164
Originally Posted by an'ka
What about those of us who did not grow up with addicted parents?
Any situation that doesn't reflect a childs light back to them is abusive.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by prodigal
Neither of my parents were A's, but they were abusive and/or neglectful. I wasn't a person, I was a "thing" that was to be ordered about.
I wasn't permitted to make my own decisions. My father frequently
told me the things I said were "stupid." My mother wasn't interested
in me in a normal, healthy way .... she was downright intrusive and sneaky.
She wouldn't allow me to have a life of my own; I don't even think she
felt I deserved a life of my own. Thus, I grew up trying to please two
never-to-be-pleased parents. What a perfect scenario that led to my
getting involved my entire adult life with abusive, controlling men -
many of whom were alcoholics.
I wasn't permitted to make my own decisions. My father frequently
told me the things I said were "stupid." My mother wasn't interested
in me in a normal, healthy way .... she was downright intrusive and sneaky.
She wouldn't allow me to have a life of my own; I don't even think she
felt I deserved a life of my own. Thus, I grew up trying to please two
never-to-be-pleased parents. What a perfect scenario that led to my
getting involved my entire adult life with abusive, controlling men -
many of whom were alcoholics.
I felt like my sole purpose for being brought into this world, was to be the family's 'live human organ donor'. Like maybe they needed human body parts for transplanting purposes, but once I was born they learned that my parts were not compatible with theirs. Now here's this human child (namely me) that is totally useless to them. Not only totally useless, but taking up precious room and space and very much 'in the way'! Honest to God, this is truly how I felt while growing up, and, it does suck!!!Note: My Mom had kidney problems while she was pregnant with me and shortly after I was born had one removed. She had surgery to remove a kidney stone while 6 months pregnant with me as well. Maybe that's where I got the idea for the 'human organ donor' feeling. They certainly reminded me all the time of how much pain she endured because of me.
I can definitely see how this would affect my choices later on in life. For me it really wasn't about saving someone else...it was more about saving my self...and above all else, an endless aching need to be loved. And I had NO clue what being loved looked or felt like. So I took whatever crumbs that fell out of the dumpster that I thought 'might be love' and clung to them.
Last edited by ICU; 05-17-2007 at 02:53 AM.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Isnt life strange? I never received love or affection, acknowledgement or time spent with my parents. Some look for love because of this, I wouldnt accept love because of this.
I was a child who looked after my father growing up and this in turn somehow made me very independent not emotionally immature.
Who knows how we are all made up hey...
I was a child who looked after my father growing up and this in turn somehow made me very independent not emotionally immature.
Who knows how we are all made up hey...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
I didnt know why it's stupid strong, espeacially when I can see it happening
in front of me. Especailly when I'm sober. Especailly when i tell
myself to pack my bags..but I can't. Epecailly when there wasn't
suppost to any contacts and all I do is sit and worry about her and
check my e-mail every 5 mins.
Espeacially when I know the end results wouldn't be so rosie if we
continue living like that.
The only head start I had was, I worked step #1 with my alcohilsm
itself. While the craving and desire of a drink was no longer there for
me...I ass fell apart when it came to my codependency. I struggle
with my codi issue longer than I did with not drinking.
POWERLESS...is a mighty strong word. All of my evidence shows
this. i was no longer in denial...but damn, it was a strong pull and
the emotional and habits withdraws of being a codi was just as bad,
or worst. I felt sicker than a dog and became dysfunctional.
I slept in my car for a month going through the withdraws and detox
from my codependency...I was still clean and sober.
People thought I was actaully using.
My parents and friends didn't understand why i would do that. They didn't
understand codependency... i was a CO.....DEPENDENT. I became
dependent or addict to the chaos and madness of it all. It looked pretty
damn strange why i had all of the symptoms of an actual addict hitting
bottom...well yeah, I was actaully sicker than my gf in many ways.
I just slowly started applying being powerless or step #1.
It was that strong...something greater than myself had to step in.
I had a bit of forsite...so i didn't totally trip out when i ass was falling off.
Everybody thought I was crazy for sleeping in my car...especailly my mother,
there was an extra room in her house and my best friend had a big ass house
I could of moved into. He knew I was sleeping in my car. He bascailly came
and pack all my bags and belonging after negociating with me...a month was long enough.lol
I started getting comfortable sleeping in the damn car.
I left a part of me in that car...a sick, sick part of me.
It Thailand..there an old belief or tradition..
People put up little a shrine or spirit house in there backyard to give a place
for the bad spirit a place to occupy or live in..so it dosn't occupy thier lives.
Well....f-it, that's my version of it..my bad spirit came sleep in the Z28.
The car is in perfect condition..but I don't drive it...it's just park..lol
in front of me. Especailly when I'm sober. Especailly when i tell
myself to pack my bags..but I can't. Epecailly when there wasn't
suppost to any contacts and all I do is sit and worry about her and
check my e-mail every 5 mins.
Espeacially when I know the end results wouldn't be so rosie if we
continue living like that.
The only head start I had was, I worked step #1 with my alcohilsm
itself. While the craving and desire of a drink was no longer there for
me...I ass fell apart when it came to my codependency. I struggle
with my codi issue longer than I did with not drinking.
POWERLESS...is a mighty strong word. All of my evidence shows
this. i was no longer in denial...but damn, it was a strong pull and
the emotional and habits withdraws of being a codi was just as bad,
or worst. I felt sicker than a dog and became dysfunctional.
I slept in my car for a month going through the withdraws and detox
from my codependency...I was still clean and sober.
People thought I was actaully using.
My parents and friends didn't understand why i would do that. They didn't
understand codependency... i was a CO.....DEPENDENT. I became
dependent or addict to the chaos and madness of it all. It looked pretty
damn strange why i had all of the symptoms of an actual addict hitting
bottom...well yeah, I was actaully sicker than my gf in many ways.
I just slowly started applying being powerless or step #1.
It was that strong...something greater than myself had to step in.
I had a bit of forsite...so i didn't totally trip out when i ass was falling off.
Everybody thought I was crazy for sleeping in my car...especailly my mother,
there was an extra room in her house and my best friend had a big ass house
I could of moved into. He knew I was sleeping in my car. He bascailly came
and pack all my bags and belonging after negociating with me...a month was long enough.lol
I started getting comfortable sleeping in the damn car.
I left a part of me in that car...a sick, sick part of me.
It Thailand..there an old belief or tradition..
People put up little a shrine or spirit house in there backyard to give a place
for the bad spirit a place to occupy or live in..so it dosn't occupy thier lives.
Well....f-it, that's my version of it..my bad spirit came sleep in the Z28.
The car is in perfect condition..but I don't drive it...it's just park..lol
Last edited by SaTiT; 05-17-2007 at 04:48 AM.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
You put it PERFECTLY SaTIT!!!!
For me, its not about what did or did not happen in the past, its about the monster that lives within. And if I were you, I'd perform a damn exorcism on that car!!!
I've had "spells" during my life where my confidence and self esteem have ebbed and flowed. I beleive the A in my life was the ebb.
Did I have issues growing up? Yup, but not because of "substance" More because of other peoples cores. Not all of them shine as we all well know. I spent many years overcoming other peoples issues and was helathy and happy in a realtionship for 23 years. The only reason it ended, was because he died.
Thats when the self esteem began to ebb. I was vulnerable for my A. I stepped in front of the bus, and ~bam~ it not only ran over me, it took me for the craziest ride of my life.
I guess my point is, yes, our pasts affect us, but its our today that makes us do what we do.
Peace
For me, its not about what did or did not happen in the past, its about the monster that lives within. And if I were you, I'd perform a damn exorcism on that car!!!
I've had "spells" during my life where my confidence and self esteem have ebbed and flowed. I beleive the A in my life was the ebb.
Did I have issues growing up? Yup, but not because of "substance" More because of other peoples cores. Not all of them shine as we all well know. I spent many years overcoming other peoples issues and was helathy and happy in a realtionship for 23 years. The only reason it ended, was because he died.
Thats when the self esteem began to ebb. I was vulnerable for my A. I stepped in front of the bus, and ~bam~ it not only ran over me, it took me for the craziest ride of my life.
I guess my point is, yes, our pasts affect us, but its our today that makes us do what we do.
Peace
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
All of your lifes will become far easier by accepting the fact from the get go that the only person that can save your A, is the A himself, the longer you try to save him, the longer he will drink.
I do not intend to be mean by saying this, I am broken hearted by many of your post, being an alcoholic I see many of you doing things that make you feel better thinking you are helping your A get sober when as an alcoholic I know that the only thing you can do to help an A to get sober is nothing!!!!
Save your self!!!! Who knows, maybe by saving your self you may save your A!
I do not intend to be mean by saying this, I am broken hearted by many of your post, being an alcoholic I see many of you doing things that make you feel better thinking you are helping your A get sober when as an alcoholic I know that the only thing you can do to help an A to get sober is nothing!!!!
Save your self!!!! Who knows, maybe by saving your self you may save your A!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Originally Posted by chero
Does our upbringing really have something to do with the fact we ended up with alcoholics in our lives?
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Originally Posted by minnie
Do you think we come out of the womb with all the knowledge and tools of how to have a happy life and healthy relationships?
I don't think my upbringing had anything to do with me marrying an alcoholic (and I could sooo be wrong) but I can see how it has kept me married to one!
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