missy3047

Ive posted here a couple of times before about my fiance. Or boyfriend, or husband, whatever you want to call him. My alcholic. I havent posted in a long time because I had posted from my mothers computer, didnt know too much about computers at the time and she found my posts and read them and assulted me with them, throwing what I wrote here in my face. Since I met my alcholic fiance my mother has disowned me and when our daughter was born she wanted nothing to do with her.


My situation feels really complicated. I have a 6 year old from a previous relationship and a 2 year old with him. I dont even know what to write in here, I know that I need help and that Im falling apart and I dont know if it is because of his drinking and his moods or because of myself...Im really depressed and screwed up today. I really love my alcholic. Sometimes things are great and I think I can live with his disease. He doesnt beat me, and hes only verbally abusive if I "push his buttons" (yes, I am being slightly sarcastic)... and actually thats never when hes drunk. Sometimes hes easier to deal with when hes drunk. SOmetimes hes just annoying when hes drunk, but thats better than the ******* that he can be when he is sober. but honestly at times he can be really good to me. I think about kicking him out and telling him he has to stop drinking before he can come back- but then its so much easier for me to just stay with him. I take the easy way out over and over again. Who will watch the kids while I work if he goes? Where will he go? What will he do? Can I reallly handle the pain of him choosing alcohol over me? Its easier sometimes to let him have both. Im rambling. I apoligize. I cant talk to friends about this- they just tell me to kick him out. Or call him a loser. Then I get defensive, which makes zero sense. He is a loser. I take care of everything. I rarley feel safe or protected or taken care of. He is grossly irresponsible. He blew through a large settlement while I was pregnant. I am embaressed and depressed by that. People who dont know me think I am a loser, or stupid for being with him at all. My friends are slowly but surely, one by one, giving up on me. Maybe I should just grab a drink mysellf and forget about it all together, maybe Im wasting time even worrying about it, so hes an alcoholic, so what.

Im sure you can tell I dont even know how I feel right now. My head hurts from stressing and thinking. A week ago I was happy, and next week I will probably be happy again, and I probably wont post here for another few months.

I have asked him to leave on a couple of the occasions I mentioned earlier when I "pushed his buttons" and he has called me a name or something. He says he wont leave, I will have to get cops to get him out. I guess one of my questions is, how do you get someone out if they arent physically harming you or your children? And one more question, should I go to a family of alcoholics meeting? How do I find one in my area? Im afraid to go, I wont know anyone, Im a shy person.

I dont know. I need to talk to someone who understands where I am comming from. I want to see my relationship with this person work . I still have faith in him. I still cant see myself without him. I feel like hes my responsibility, my family. HELP!

WhatAboutME

Welcome back to SR! Your post is heartbreaking, and at the same time so similar to mine, all of our, situations. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. The misery that you feel today, and are willing to endure, will likely be 100x worse and completely unbearable at some point in the not-so-distant future.

You asked if you should attend meetings for family members, YES!!! Here's a link to find an Al-Anon meeting in your area: http://www.ma-al-anon-alateen.org/new.html

GO, you won't be sorry. You need support right now. You'll find it here and at Al-Anon.

prodigal

You can't. Get someone out who isn't abusing you or the kids, that is. Generally, I know where to start when someone comes on here. First, welcome. I'm glad you have found us. Second, read the stickies above our forum. They provide some very good information on addiction. Third, you can call directory assistance and ask for Al-Anon. Someone will return your call and give you information about meetings in your area.

Yeah, your friends are dropping away one by one. Soon it will be just you and the A. Your support system will be gone. You'll have to rely on him. That's the way he'd like it to be. It will perpetuate the system of you being the hapless, hopeless victim and him thinking he is the star of the show calling all the shots. Sad, but true.

You cannot have a life as long as you are overly-involved in his. This is a process. You didn't end up where you are overnight. You will not get back to a good place to be overnight. Start with Al-Anon. Start developing a support network. It doesn't sound as if you work. There are plenty of day care facilities. You might want to consider looking into conducting a job search. Women's shelters are great places to start when trying to get back into the workforce.

I think a good place to start would be to try to get your thoughts singing on the same page. It sounds as if you're pretty conflicted right now. That's not a good place to be and it's not productive. Please keep posting and take a few minutes to calm down and clear your mind a bit. Confusion is counterproductive to moving forward and making choices that are good for you.

P.S. - How about you? What do you want for yourself? What do YOU want to do with your life? (Not in relation to him: "If he gets sober, then I'll be happy.) What do YOU need to do and want to do to feel at peace?

criss-cross

I got my husband to leave once when he was totally plastered. 2 deputies came and talked with him and got him to go with his mother to her house. The deputies told me that if I wanted him gone again I would have to talk to a lawyer.

Who owns the house you're in? Or who's on the lease? If you are both on it, I'd say you'd be better off leaving yourself. If he is not on it, then by all means you have the right to have him removed from the premises. You may have to evict him or something which could take 30 days or something. Ask a lawyer.

I was shy too. I didn't like to get on the phone & order pizza! It's a bit empowering being in control of your life. Right now you're not. You're being controlled by his temperment and his moods, and his alcoholism, and him, him, him.
Take control of you, That's the only thing you can control anyway.

Best of luck,
Keep coming back.
((hugs))

chero

Oh Missy, When I read what you wrote it broke my heart.

Something that stuck out to me was you kept saying you "pushed his buttons"!?!?

REALLY?? You know what you are doing, don't you?? You are taking the blame for his bad behavior! You didn't cause him to be the way he is.

It ISN'T YOUR fault!!!

Please seek help for yourself and your children!!

denny57

I understand the second sentence, since I felt that way, too. What in his past or present behavior causes you to have faith in him?