drainedwife

My ah is not at work this morning. He doesnt answer the home phone or his cell phone, I believe he is sleeping in because he was up Friday and Saturday night and coulndt make it into work.

Do I question him? I called his office and they dont know where he is. They said nothing is scheduled on the calendar for him to be off. He does this alot. He goes in late i beleive and i never find out, except that i susupect. Today i called the office and instead of it goign directly to his extension, i called the main number.

I have a right to worry about this, dont i since his salary pays the bills. He will just lie as to why he was out, or say big deal, so i took the morning off....i just hate that i have to live like this. that i have to worry so much about everything..its just not fair.

I could go home at lunch time to see if hes there. Is it worth the aggravation though...should i just let it go?

I really cant stand this anymore....why should i suffer like this.???

parentrecovers

let go, drainedwife. you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. blessings, k

cinderellawkids

You have to let it go. You have to figure out how to take care of you and the children. His addiction will only continue to get worse until he's tired of it.

What will checking up on him solve? What will it change? You have to detach and let go for your own peace and believe me I know how hard that is but peace is a wonderful gift for yourself

finallyout

i agree with cinder here, just let go. checking up on him won't help anything, he's only gonna do what he wants anyway, you'll just ending up arguing and feeling even worse. instead, try to focus on you and the kids, is leaving him an option?? could you support them without him? for years i thought i couldn't, but i left and me and the kids are doing great, sooo much better than living with an active addict. whatever you do, we are here. my thoughts are with you.

Lalaleah

I agree with all of the pp's opinions..

Nothing you say or do will change his behavior..so try not to make yourself crazy over it. The only thing that will do is cause you more insanity. I know it is hard to do....

Lalaleah

Have you been to any alanon meetings? They might help you with detachment. They were a godsend to me..that and my counselor....

Elana

Yeah.. let it go.
This is why you need to figure out how to take care of you. He may be the bread winner but he is also the addict and could LOSE his job.

Meanwhile, by detaching from this, hard as it is, you are the REAL winner.

Elana

BTW:
Worry ruins today and doesn't solve tomorrow's problem.

Lalaleah

Wow..love that one Elana..never heard it before..

**adding to my repetoure**

patchoulli

I know his salary pays the bills but that is why they make child support and alimony. You are not stuck..only you can change the way you have to live, but you cannot change him, looking for or checking up on him will only confirm what you already know

Truffles

Hi

I know it is hard but you need to let it go. Don't check up on him. I use to do that also, drive home at lunch to make sure he was there, or call his cell constantly. I finally stopped. I was driving myself crazy. I know he pays the bills, my RAH was also responsible for our bills, we made about the same amount of money then. But there was nothing I could do. I stopped even questioning him, what was the point a bunch of lies. My sister told me oneday - you have to think of yourself as a single parent, and that is what I did.

I use to say the same thing - it wasn't fair. I was the one that was the responsible one, I could never just pick up and go out. But I would never be that way, I had a responsibility and that was to my DS.

It wasn't fair that I had to answer to my son when he asked all the time "where is Daddy" - alot wasn't fair. It wasn't fair he went thru all of our money, I was the one to worry about paying the bills and everything. I was pretty much a single parent.

If you have any money in a joint account, take it out or at least half of it. I finally did that before it all disappeared. Take care of yourself and your kids - worry about you - not him.

dollydo

Let go, it is the only answer to your well-being.

I agree with Truffles, take what money you can, put it in your name only. Do this before there is nothing left.

drainedwife

leah-iim trying to send you a pm, but you are out of space!!

Lalaleah

drainedwife..I sent you a pm..sorry about that!

teke

sorry that your hurting, i agree with the others, there really is nothing you can do even if you find that he is using. think about how you are to take care of yourself and the kids. you can have a better life, even if his don't get better. keeping you and yours in my prayers

tropikgal2

Quote "I have a right to worry about this, dont i since his salary pays the bills." Unquote.
OK, well, Is there a way that YOU can pay the bills on your own? And if so, would you, could you, do that? And if so, would you, could you, move out, or make him move out? EVen if you don't there are resources for you out there to make the break. You do NOT have to live like that and neither do your kids unless you make that choice for them. Both you and your kids have a right to happiness and a stress-free lifestyle.
Whenever I give young women, getting involved in a serious relationship for the first time, one bit of advice I ALWAYS SAY that the #1 rule to happiness is NEVER EVER RELY ON ANYONE ELSE FINANCIALLY.

marteen

So sorry. But playing detective only makes your life more miserable and doesn't change the outcome. The only thing that will is the choice YOU make to change how you want the outcome to come out. And only HE can change the outcome of HIS life!

I found out the hard way the the outcome of detective work regarding my AD had absolutely NO effect on the behavior! It just wastes your time and energy. I discovered that I had better things to do.

patchoulli

Please take this as all positive feedback, thats what it is. I know when I was married, my exah got addicted to his pain meds and was trading, selling, doing whatever. I took that time and went to school. I went on scholarships and grants. I didn't have small children, but some of the girls did and FREE child care was available for them. I hope you find peace in whatever path you choose. Marian