drainedwife

My ah was looking up statistics to see how many people quit on their own. He believes he doesnt need anyone or anything to help him.

I thought he was going on -line to read about cocaine addiction. Instead he was reading about how many people stop on their own to show me that he doesnt need any help.

If he is 100% committed to quitting and to our marriage, than shouldnt he at least want to try individual therapy???? I mean come on...its not re-hab, its not 12-step, what is the big deal....unless of course, he is just not ready.

Also, i had told him about cash advances i knew he made because i called one of the credit cards he keeps hidden from me. Of course he said he "owed money". Meaning he owed it for drugs that he had used in the past so i wouldnt think he had just recently used. Everytime he is asked the last time he used its always "3 weeks ago, or maybe 4 weeks ago". Also, he got angry that i had called up the credit card, so he put a security code on it, so i couldnt access the information again. I told him he better give me that code, and he said it was at work. So i just emailed him after the weekend to make sure he either give it to me or to take it off alltogether. Im done playing his games...he better follow through with this.

He also didnt go to bed sat. night until maybe 3:00 a.m. Hmmmmmmmmm, wonder why,. ..he says he cant sleep because he has too much on his mind...

parentrecovers

D-E-N-I-A-L.

go to counseling without him, and get involved with alanon. it's the best thing you can do.

blessings, k

Elana

Bingo!

Well, you can paly his game and write down the date he siad this and in 3 or 4 weeks ask again and when he says it show him this. However, that is counter productive. He is an addict and doing this will just draw you back into HIS drama. He is lying.. it is what addicts do. You know he is lying and he knows he is lying. No point is chasing that dogs tail.

He better follow through OR WHAT? What does this ultimatum do or say? What is the boundary? What will be the consequences?

Knowing all of this is not going to help you. You need to protect yourself and assets enough so you can take care of you and your kids! Getting the credit card info.. giving unltimatums with no boundary follow thur.. all of that is controlling without really gaining any control. It is knowledge of things you cannot fix.

I may be sounding harsh, but I am just trying to show you through your own words, that you need to take the focus off him and on to YOU. If he won't go to Counseling, YOU GO without HIM. If he won't go to NA, YOU go to Nar anon or alanon.

You cannot cause, change or control his behavior. the only thing you CAN do is to take care of you.

drainedwife

he is also supposed to get credit statements sent to the house every month. i am keeping track of what he ssays and writing it down so that i can keep track of what he says and does to see if he will follow-through.

drainedwife

also, how can i protect our assests?? any ideas????? he makes the $$ that pays the bills. how can i stop him fromtaking out credit cards??? I cant!!! right??

Elana

The point is WHY? You both know he is lying and using. You can't control it. You did not cause it. You cannot cure it (by controlling it). This is the one thing I never did in my life with an alcoholic or an addict.. keeping track of their things.


In my marriage I wanted to be part of the bill paying process (which lead to me being the CEO of family and the business expenses and income but so it goes). A Marriage is a 50-50 arrangement.. and you should know where the money goes. Don't be afraid to ask to sit in on the bill paying because if anything happens to him (and as an addict that is a real possibility, but don't say this.. it is merely the truth) you are the person who will have to deal with things. You need to know how.

You also need to set up a bank account in YOUR name ONLY. If you have to do it with $10, then do it. You need your OWN checking account and your own credit.

You may need to get a job too... I know you have children but every woman and every man should know how to take care of themselves in this world.

The only person in the world you can control is yourself. The only one who can take care of you is YOU and it may not happen at once.. it may not happen with ease.. it may take small steps to get there, but if you plan and decide to choose to do it, you can.

You always have a choice. They may not be a choices you LIKE but they are there if you want them.

Elana

BTW I am single now and my Ex Husband is dead.. a great part of his death can be attributed to his Alcoholism, so I know of what I speak.

My XABF I eanabled, but never tried to control. He had little of his own either in credit or income.

I am not married now and have no children which sdoes give me a certain amount of freedom.

However, I work with a woman (and have worked with other women) who have children, go to night school AND work full time. Their lives are hard but they are working towards at better future, and most I know have achieved or are close to acheiving that which they are pursuing.

cinderellawkids

Sadly drained wife, all debts he creates in a marriage are joint debts even if your name is not on them.

Im so glad my Ah has long screwed both of our credits and that is no longer a worry. Today Im just hoping he'll steal enough and get arrested, because eh's got to be stealing at this point

drainedwife

thanks for your help.. i have a job..i started in sept..i was working 40 hrs. but am reducing to 32 hrs. so i can get to my meetings during the day, which is easier for me. i know i cant control his credit card usage, but if he says hes stopped it is a way for me to know by checking the credit card statements and monthly credit checks, and also, so i dont worry about the money so much. I have a college degree, just havent worked full-time in 11 years, so i am not making much money, and i dotn have "field" i cant get into. my degree is a BS in management science. marketing, but i never worked in marketing before. I am currently an admin. assistant and im making very little money. My husband's family has money, and i know it is not their responsiblity, but i almost feel that his parents should help out, if he does in fact "loose everything for us". too bad they dont even know what is going on. Their other sons and daughter are protecting them because they are in their late 70's and they are afraid of what it would do to them whould they know the truth about their son.

drainedwife

its drained again...i also have a real estate liscense that i got last year, but havent used, because of the night and weekend hours involved. My kids are 10 and 12..not that young anymore, but not that old either. They still need a stabel parent to be there for them.
My older daughter was crying to her dad yesterday that he doesnt do anything except live at home and go to work. (he wasnt doing anything for me for mothers day), and she felt bad. she sees that he isnt a good dad/husband.

cinderellawkids

See what you can do to break into the realtor market, even part time. Even with your kids, it will eb tough but I think a good route to pursue

Elana

Drained.. you have an education and you have skills. Don't be afraid to pursue them. Look at local government, State Gorvernment and Federal government job sites (check them on line).

Never be afraid to do a job.. honestly I have done so many things from book keeping (had no idea how until I did it), painting houses (yeah.. to pay for college!), breaking and training horses, wedding and event photography, commercial photography, fine art painting, real estate acquisition by eminent domain, real estate appraisal, dairy farming, Broodmare foal watch on a horse breeding farm, bridge engineering and design, federal aid hiway and bridge project management, constructininspector for hi way projects, surveying, drafting (by hand and computer) and land scaping. Some of these things I have done concurrently as part time jobs. Today I have a wonderful job but I never turn down part time work even when I have no training... I will clean houses, help the neighbor with bushes, fix plumbing.. anything.

Never be afraid to try things.. you are smart! YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!

marle

Sending you some hugs and prayers. If you know the credit card numbers then you can set-up an account online so that you can see what is going on. Hugs, Marle

Truffles

I will say my RAH did quite coke on his own. How I don't know, what happen I don't know. He did try meetings and that didn't work. To this day I don't know why or how he stopped but he has.

My RAH was the same way up all night and I knew what he was up to.

I know in NJ his credit card debit was his, not mine. I went to 2 lawyers, we didn't have any credit cards that were joint. It would be very hard to prove that his debt was for anything to do with our house or us. They can pull the records if need be, granted they can't prove cash advances, but they told me it would be hard to prove I would be responsible.

I paid all of our bills - his check when working was direct deposit, but he would go thru the money so fast. Please if you have any savings together put it in your name, my therapist even told me to do this - and I did, if I didn't we wouldn't have a dime - also my money I started putting in my own account.

To this day I still keep money separate, and he doesn't know how much - you need to protect yourself. It isn't like you are taking the money to splurge on something you are taking the money to live everyday life.

I use to also try and look up his credit card info - but then I realized why was I doing this to myself and I stopped. If they don't want to change they won't, but they will tell you a whole bunch of lies and you want to believe it.

teke

is there a way that you can have your name excluded from the card? i do agree with the others, i've been married but single for a long time and had to raise 7 kids basically alone. you can do it, maybe its time to figure out a plan just in case you need one. still praying for ya