Change4life

I had 75 days clean slipped up one day, got another 28 in and I am ready to give up.
I just dont think I will ever be able to fix the damage done.
Im so far down I dont see any light.
I am ready to give up.
Between still going to court, probation, my inability to work full time, my health, living conditions.
I feel like the thin thread I am hanging onto is about to break
I dont think I will ever be able to work FT again.
I ask myself everyday
Will I ever be able to hold a FT job again
will I ever have money to buy the clothes I need and want, enough food.
Will I ever be able to live some where on my own again or even just someplace I actually like, or somewhere I can find some peace of mind.
I never feel stable. Always wondering when I will be kicked out.
I dont feel safe, I have no privacy. I have nothing left but the daily fight for sobriety and it is starting to feel like it isnt worth it.
I atleast want a place to live were there is some sanity.
I am not sure I can hold on or what I am actually holding on to

Taking5

bfree,

Just keep hanging. Getting drunk or high is not going to make anything better. Staying sober you have a chance. Hang on to that chance.

cyberwolf

try to hold on, you are holding on to the chance to be free.

I am sorry things are rough for you but if it helps in anyway at all I am thinking of you and I hope it gets better

Sorry I can't be of any more help

Change4life

I know the answer is not in the drugs and alcohol, but what is the answer?
When the f will I feel better?
A question no one has the answer for... Will I ever again feel like life, my life is worth the effort?-
What is this really?

Alive

The answer aint easy. All i know is that it won't come by going back to it. With time it will come, maybe months or years, but it is worthy. The first months are maybe an adjustment, maybe after that life starts to fall into place, when it's safe..

Please, stay strong, nothing is worth a relapse

Dee74

I'm going through a lot of the same things bfree...all I can say is I know where the answers aren't...been down that road many many times and it doesn't actually go anywhere - not only does it not solve my problems, but makes me less able to cope with them.

Don't give up...I really believe if we keep fighting, keep a positive outlook & keep looking for answers we'll both get the life we want.

I believe you have to be patient though - heck, I'm used to years of instant gratification through the bottle...hafta learn that life, real life, doesn't always work like that.

D

leeds

You are in my thoughts. You had 75 days & now 28 ! That's an awesome accomplishment. I know it's disheartening & depressing dealing with the courts, probation, etc but it's something that has to be gone through so that you can come out on the other side.

I went through court, jail, probation, etc, last year ( DUI ) & it really was hard sometimes to not think of myself as "less than"... Ive tried to tell myself that all these things have helped to make me stronger & that things can never be that bad again... but I know if I don't stay sober there's still much worse that can happen.

I try to remember to do a gratitude list when I get into "the mood." Even though alot of things aren't going too well right now, when I think about the many things that are good, it really does help. I want to stay sober more than anything else. I've heard @ AA meetings that anything you put before your sobriety, you will lose anyway. I need to remember that.

I hope you hang onto your 28 days & wake up tomorrow with 29!

SaTiT

befree4u,

yeap a gratitude list

congrats on your 28 days btw

NYCGirl

Befree, see if you can find an Oxford House, near where you want to live atleast you could square away your living arrangements while getting support of others in recovery.

www.oxfordhouse.org

2stop

************{bfree}}}}}}}}}

Been thinking of you...........75 days is so awesome! I fell down many times before 100% acceptance of the serious of my using....always thought that maybe somehow, in some way.maybe, just maybe the dope would help me, even if for one more moment, one more time, and each fall the low was worse and more painful than before.I ALWAYS swore I wouldn't make it........and yet I, and many many others HAVE!

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as I have been all these past few months.

Love & Light, Tammie (((Warmest, tightest, most hopeful HUGS ever!)))

Change4life

using made me completely unable to cope with anything. I still have many of the same problems, but some time with sobriety makes solutions seem a little more possible. Patience is something I need to work on. I am not patient at all, that s probably why instant gratification is so attractive to me.
I keep thinking about all the things I am grateful for instead of thinking about my problems, but I havent actually started a gratitude list.I think it is probably a good idea
Thank you

Change4life

********{2stop}}}}}
Thank you.
So glad to see you are still here and doing well!!
****{HUGS}}}

Anna

Beth, a gratitude list is a good idea!

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better.

livefree

befree4u,
How are you doing? Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I've definitely felt that overwhelming, panicky, fear about where my life is going... and I'm pretty sure there are others on this forum who've felt that way too. The questions we ask ourselves may vary from person to person, but the idea is the same. This is just my opinion, but I think it is the new reality of having to develop faith in something other than substances that causes this fear. It's a big change and, when we feel we have no reason to have faith, it can seem daunting. What I try to believe is that, if I take care of myself, God will take care of everything else.

Change4life

Thank you Anna, but I am not feeling better.
I feel like jumping out of my skin.
Actually I feel like I jumped into someone elses skin. Im not sure I even know who I am anymore. There are like 10 different people running around in my head, and they all want to do something different. 5 good me's and 5 bad me's fighting each other. Wholly cow what a struggle they are having.
Drink dont drink
smoke dont smoke
Pop those pills dont pop the pills.
QUIET PLEASE!!!!

Anna

Does music help you Beth? That helped me during some tough times.

(((Beth)))

Change4life

Livefree, thank you. This whole thing is a new reality. Sobriety, faith in a power greater than myself.. Iam just not sure about anything. I know I cant go back.. IT seems like an easier way out sometimes, but I was too close to dying and to alone to keep going or to ever go back. In rehab they say if you pick up again you start off right where you left off and I was so far into this **** I dont have any more room too go anywhere but down ... way way down like 6 ft.
I just have to suck this crappy feeling up and hope tomarrow will be better.
Knowing this or I should say thinking this doesnt make any of this any better.

Change4life

Anna I play the guitar as much as I can muster up the energy for. Some day s I al more motivated than others. There are to many days where I dont feel like doing anything. today I was listening to acoustic seal and learned most of the songs. It took my mind off things for awhile.
I usee to listen to music all the time, but in the past year or so I dont that much.
Lately I just come home and vegitate in front of the T.V. I watch a bunch of mindless BS. I guess it helps me to stop thinking for a little while.

Change4life

I could barely get myself up this morning I am DEPRESSED. I dont want to go anywhere or see amyone. I so dont want to go to work. Its days like these iam glad I only work PT. I just want to sleep today.

parentrecovers

prayers and hugs, bfree. k