Question about controlling drinking and abuse
SerenitySeekr
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 4
Question about controlling drinking and abuse
Hello Everyone,
I'm new to this site and SO GRATEFUL to have found it. Thank you for the warm welcomes I've received. This site is a fellowship of sorts
I have a question that I couldn't find an answer to in other threads....My AH, who is in denial totally, quit drinking 3 weeks ago when I kicked him out of our house. (Long story, but the jist of it is that I woke up to find him yelling cat-calls to naked women on TV and stinking drunk; I had been very ill that evening, possibly needing to go to the ER, which he knew and I thought he was watching over me while I slept). So, anyways, after a couple of weeks of not being allowed home, I gave him conditions for returning: attend at least 6 AA mtgs; attend counseling with me, which we had been doing for several weeks before this incident; no more abusive language or yelling at me, at all, ever again. He agreed and has been doing great. No drinking in 3 weeks at all, and says he doesn't have a problem not drinking. Last night, he said he wanted to "test" himself to see if he could drink a few beers, one per hour, and quit without any problems. And he did; but it somehow doesn't convince me that he doesn't have a drinking problem. He says that last night proves that he doesn't. But I've seen him so messed up so many times, I just can't believe that it's over, just like that.
Any advice? I don't want my hopes crushed, so I'm keeping them in check. I pray to God that he isn't an alcoholic, and it was totally his choice to drink every weekend for 20 years, and can put it down for good. But I don't feel in my gut that the drinking is over, or the moodiness and temper-tantrums. Please tell me any experiences related to this that you all have had. How much stock do I put in his ability to control it last night after not drinking at all for 3 weeks? Also, he has never drank during the week or at events where it is not acceptable and things like that. I'm just confused and scared. God bless all of you and thank you again for being out there for me.
Hugs and prayers to all,
SerenitySeekr
I'm new to this site and SO GRATEFUL to have found it. Thank you for the warm welcomes I've received. This site is a fellowship of sorts
I have a question that I couldn't find an answer to in other threads....My AH, who is in denial totally, quit drinking 3 weeks ago when I kicked him out of our house. (Long story, but the jist of it is that I woke up to find him yelling cat-calls to naked women on TV and stinking drunk; I had been very ill that evening, possibly needing to go to the ER, which he knew and I thought he was watching over me while I slept). So, anyways, after a couple of weeks of not being allowed home, I gave him conditions for returning: attend at least 6 AA mtgs; attend counseling with me, which we had been doing for several weeks before this incident; no more abusive language or yelling at me, at all, ever again. He agreed and has been doing great. No drinking in 3 weeks at all, and says he doesn't have a problem not drinking. Last night, he said he wanted to "test" himself to see if he could drink a few beers, one per hour, and quit without any problems. And he did; but it somehow doesn't convince me that he doesn't have a drinking problem. He says that last night proves that he doesn't. But I've seen him so messed up so many times, I just can't believe that it's over, just like that.
Any advice? I don't want my hopes crushed, so I'm keeping them in check. I pray to God that he isn't an alcoholic, and it was totally his choice to drink every weekend for 20 years, and can put it down for good. But I don't feel in my gut that the drinking is over, or the moodiness and temper-tantrums. Please tell me any experiences related to this that you all have had. How much stock do I put in his ability to control it last night after not drinking at all for 3 weeks? Also, he has never drank during the week or at events where it is not acceptable and things like that. I'm just confused and scared. God bless all of you and thank you again for being out there for me.
Hugs and prayers to all,
SerenitySeekr
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Just from what I've read, I think your best bet is to do just what you said.....keep your hopes in check and keep your thoughts on you.
I don't know your husband, nor can I say he is an A, but what I can tell you is that I saw mine "quit" for a while and then decide he could monitor it more times that I can begin to relay to you.
(((SS)))
I don't know your husband, nor can I say he is an A, but what I can tell you is that I saw mine "quit" for a while and then decide he could monitor it more times that I can begin to relay to you.
(((SS)))
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Welcome SerenitySeekr!
I don't know what I can say except to tell you what happened with my AH.
After we were married for a year he started drinking on the weekends only. Binging on the weekends. I didn't like it but it never dawned on me he was an alcoholic.
Fast forward 12 years and I can see the denial I was in over his drinking problem. It progressed from weekends to weekdays to holidays to all the time. And then he would just stop for a week or two or a month. Once he even quit for almost two years.
During those dry times I always believed he had quit for good. I believed he had the will power to do that all on his own.
I was wrong. Without professional help he won't be able to stop himself.
What I wish I had known back then was to take care of myself. I wish I had known about enabling and detaching.
Please, if you haven't already, take the time to read the stickies posted at the top of the forum page. It will help you so much to learn all you can! Keep asking questions...anything and everything you can think of!
This place is so great and you will get amazing advice on here!! Alcoholism IS confusing and scary!
Be safe and take care of you!!
~Cheryl
I don't know what I can say except to tell you what happened with my AH.
After we were married for a year he started drinking on the weekends only. Binging on the weekends. I didn't like it but it never dawned on me he was an alcoholic.
Fast forward 12 years and I can see the denial I was in over his drinking problem. It progressed from weekends to weekdays to holidays to all the time. And then he would just stop for a week or two or a month. Once he even quit for almost two years.
During those dry times I always believed he had quit for good. I believed he had the will power to do that all on his own.
I was wrong. Without professional help he won't be able to stop himself.
What I wish I had known back then was to take care of myself. I wish I had known about enabling and detaching.
Please, if you haven't already, take the time to read the stickies posted at the top of the forum page. It will help you so much to learn all you can! Keep asking questions...anything and everything you can think of!
This place is so great and you will get amazing advice on here!! Alcoholism IS confusing and scary!
Be safe and take care of you!!
~Cheryl
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I'd suggest listening to your gut, and taking it from there. Hope is never a bad thing unless it keeps ME in denial. I'd think about the "putting it down for good" based on his latest actions.
I went through similar "experiments" with AH; it never lasted. Everyone is different.
Time will tell. Remember to take very good care of you.
((()))
I went through similar "experiments" with AH; it never lasted. Everyone is different.
Time will tell. Remember to take very good care of you.
((()))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Welcome to SR. It is more than a fellowship of sorts, it is the real deal.
How refreshing is that on the internet of all places!
If he was as out of control as you say he was, and he admits it, why would he want to "test" it? I have a reaction to certain shellfish, and as much as I would like to eat a plateful of shrimp, I have zero desire to "test" it.
I might be able to eat a few without suffering too much, but unlike shrimp, alcohol is physically addicting. It is only a matter of time before he goes overboard again, IMHO.
Maybe he can handle a few drinks. If so good for him. In the meantime take care of yourself.
In my case, I went 10 months bone dry, then decided I could have a drink now and then. This I did successfully - for a while. I went to a Superbowl Party in early February and got good and drunk. 4 weeks later -- drinking about a fifth of whiskey every single day, plus a few shots of Jaegermesiter -- I sobered up and went back to AA.
It doesn't sound like your husband has progressed as far as I did, and I pray to God that he won't.
By the way is he still going to AA meetings? If so is he actually working the program? Anyone can go to AA meetings and not sober up -- it happens to thousands a year that are sent there by a judge.
At any rate take care and let us know how things are going.
How refreshing is that on the internet of all places!
If he was as out of control as you say he was, and he admits it, why would he want to "test" it? I have a reaction to certain shellfish, and as much as I would like to eat a plateful of shrimp, I have zero desire to "test" it.
I might be able to eat a few without suffering too much, but unlike shrimp, alcohol is physically addicting. It is only a matter of time before he goes overboard again, IMHO.
Maybe he can handle a few drinks. If so good for him. In the meantime take care of yourself.
In my case, I went 10 months bone dry, then decided I could have a drink now and then. This I did successfully - for a while. I went to a Superbowl Party in early February and got good and drunk. 4 weeks later -- drinking about a fifth of whiskey every single day, plus a few shots of Jaegermesiter -- I sobered up and went back to AA.
It doesn't sound like your husband has progressed as far as I did, and I pray to God that he won't.
By the way is he still going to AA meetings? If so is he actually working the program? Anyone can go to AA meetings and not sober up -- it happens to thousands a year that are sent there by a judge.
At any rate take care and let us know how things are going.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Welcome, So glad you found SR, great site.
He may be a binge drinker, if so in my opinion it will progress.
Keep coming back and take what you can use and leave the rest.
Have you attended Al-Anon?
He may be a binge drinker, if so in my opinion it will progress.
Keep coming back and take what you can use and leave the rest.
Have you attended Al-Anon?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
If your husband truly is an alcoholic, then he cannot control his drinking. Maybe in the very short term, but not for the long haul. I can't say if he's an alcoholic either, but if his drinking affects his relationship w/ you, friends, family, work, etc. then it sounds like a problem. As for only drinking on the weekends, alcoholism is a progressive disease. Like most here, my AH has done the "no hard liquor, only a glass of wine after dinner, drink only beer, drink only on the weekends, never drink during the day, etc." And that worked for a while. Until his disease progressed and he could no longer keep to those "rules, or promises". And then he began to lie, to try and hide his drinking, to deny drinking at all, etc. His alcohlism has progressed dramatically in the past year. And he's not a special or extreme case, he truly is a textbook alcoholic. Getting involved in Al-Anon and SR really helped me to see that. People on this board come from all walks of life, and yet all of our stories are very, very similar.
Welcome to SR. Have you looked into Al-Anon? It would be a great start to really understanding this disease and working on yourself.
Welcome to SR. Have you looked into Al-Anon? It would be a great start to really understanding this disease and working on yourself.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Normal, social drinkers...don't attempt "control" of their drinking or perform little "tests"...they also don't drink themselves into oblivion in an easy chair and attempt communication with the television.
I'm an alcoholic and it sure sounds problematic to me. Keep up the prayer hon...
I'm an alcoholic and it sure sounds problematic to me. Keep up the prayer hon...
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
If you go to an alcoholic forum, describe someone's drinking habits, then most likely you will be told he is an alcoholic. We are not as unbiased as we appear....but you will find a ton of information because most of us live with, or used to live with, an alcoholic. I am not sure if your husband is, but if his behavior is a problem for you, then it's definately a problem. I like your ideas that he must attend meetings, counseling and such. You just have to follow through with that, say what you mean, mean what you say....I am terrible at that part so far. (still working on it)
If he is an alcoholic, he cannot control his drinking. He may do it for a short time, to appease you, prove to the world he doesn't have a problem, but it almost always goes back to being out of control. 20 years is a long time....I think it would hard to break any bad habits that someone has been doing for that long.
As for talking/yelling at the TV.....that is definately something in men's gene's that cannot be corrected! Watch one sport with them for ten minutes....see! I sometimes think my AH thinks he is the coach, and that everyone on the field can hear him from our living room....not that he has ever been sober watching a game....so maybe that isn't a good example.
So, WELCOME, hope you stick around.
If he is an alcoholic, he cannot control his drinking. He may do it for a short time, to appease you, prove to the world he doesn't have a problem, but it almost always goes back to being out of control. 20 years is a long time....I think it would hard to break any bad habits that someone has been doing for that long.
As for talking/yelling at the TV.....that is definately something in men's gene's that cannot be corrected! Watch one sport with them for ten minutes....see! I sometimes think my AH thinks he is the coach, and that everyone on the field can hear him from our living room....not that he has ever been sober watching a game....so maybe that isn't a good example.
So, WELCOME, hope you stick around.
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