jdylan

Don’t know what to do about alcoholic friend. My husband and I when to dinner with a friend and her husband last night and today I am sick with worry. This has been building for sometime but has reached a point where I ‘m dealing with moral issues by not doing something. First, let me give you some background. Wendy was always the life of the party, loud, funny, and sometimes slightly embarrassing but always a very good kind sensitive person. She was always willing to help others and was a giver to charities and although a non-attendee often gave to churches she was interested in. However, this has changed very gradually over the years and particularly over the past six years. She is now a full-blown drunk, rude, confrontational; she has turned everyone in her community against her and looks for trouble everywhere, even the grocery store. And sadly, her appearance is shocking. Once a very pretty tall slim blond she is now skin and bones, hunched and her face has aged far beyond her fifty years. She has even shaved the slides of her head hair off. Her and her husband moved just far enough away that we do not see them often but Wendy and I have kept our phone friendship going. Over the past two years, though I find myself often avoiding the phone calls because of her drunken ramblings of who has ticked her off that day. You may ask yourself why I bother at all. The answer is that I remember how she used to be and that person was unique, caring and wonderful. That person was always encouraging with others plans, dreams or ideas. Her husband has recently stopping drinking and he along with us was on edge the entire evening we spent together. Wendy was literally confronting everyone we came into contact with. We do not think we will ever go out to dinner with them again as it is too stressful. At the rate that she is drinking (and hardly eating), I think she will most likely die very soon. She refuses to go to any type of doctor under any circumstances. She is not particularly close to her older brothers and I think are unaware of her problems living thousands of miles away. Her mother is in her late eighties and lives in another state. She has one other friend that I have met twice who lives fairly close to me. What should I do?

denny57

hi jdylan, welcome to SR

I had a friend for 20 years and in the last 5 of them his drinking became much like Wendy's. The last 2 I did have to stop taking his calls; they would be 2 hours of crying, laughing, complaining, berating, etc. - all from his side. Always ending with professions of love and when can we get together. In July it will be 2 years since I got the call he had died (50 years old) from his drinking/smoking. Many of us had tried to intervene. Towards the end he said "I know what I'm doing and anyone who tries to stop me will be cut out of my life."

All of us (he had a huge circle of friends) then did what was most comfortable for us. Some were able to continue as if everything was the same as always; some, like me, had to limit their contact because it was too painful. Also, in my case, I was dealing with AH at home and just didn't have the energy.

What would you be comfortable doing, right now, for her?

Look forward to having you here.

((()))

jdylan

denny 57, thank you very much for your reply. It got me to thinking on what to do. I think maybe I will call her other friend to find out her view, I think I need a backer. My husband wants me to stay out of it, he thinks she is too far gone to help & that she would never except help. I don't think I will be able to live with myself if I do not do something. Her husband is a very mild meek man and usually gives into her wants because it is easier, I am pretty sure he is not strong enough to do this on his own. I get the feeling he somehow feels responsible, like he doesn’t fill some important void. I am glad he has stopped drinking though because maybe there is some hope. He was reacting to some of Wendy's supposed confronters in a way that was uncharacteristic of his nature before he stopped. It was like they were both caught up in some weird confliction web of negativity. I feel somewhat bad for him though because his wife has driven away all his family members. What do you think, am I just asking for trouble by trying to help? Part of me thinks I am. Do you think it’s a good idea to call her other remaining friend? I have read some of your responses to others posts and trust your judgment.
Thank you, T

LGLG07

hi jdylan and welcome to SR .. Sorry for the reason that you are here .
Thats a very tough situation . I too have a friend that was drinking way too much . we were friends since 7th grade and she was always the life of the party , everyone loved having her around , very attractive ... very much like your friend Wendy . She went through some martial problems last summer and while separated from her husband came to the realization that she wasnt being much of a wife to him because of the drinking . She never admitted to being an alcoholic (maybe shes not , who am I to say) but did say she was drinking too much and 'slowed down' .
I talk to her alot on the phone but dont see her as often as I would like . She still says shes not drinking 'as much' and her husband is living there again .
I never said anything to her about her drinking and even though shes doing well now , I regret it . I feel like I was a coward for not confronting her . I feel like I wasnt being a very good friend to her by not being honest . I vowed that if she starts to drink too much again I will absolutely talk to her . Of course that is easier said than done ... what do you say ?? and how do you say it without being offensive ?? is there even a way to say it without being offensive ?? .. I wish I knew.
Sorry I dont have any answers for you . Good luck and I hope your decision leaves you feeling good about the situation . Like Denny57 said , there are two things you can do , confront her and try to convince her to get help , or distance yourself .
Keep posting ... (())s

denny57

I know what you mean about wanting to do something. That something could be as simple as accepting her phone calls. Have you ever expressed to her your concern?

It's my personal belief that once the involvement starts to affect my own life in a negative way, it's too much. Have you read any of the sticky's at the top of the forum? There's lots of good stuff there regarding boundaries, how to help, etc.

A couple Al-Anon meetings may help, too.

Good luck with everything and keep posting!

guyinNC

I think there is nothing wrong with contacting her brothers, anonymously(sp). It is her family. They can probably not stop her either, but I think they should know. A typed letter, no return address, no name...nothing that can tie it to you.

They may can try an intervention. But for your own safety and well being, since you live in the same town, do not let on that you were the one who contacted them. Otherwise your friend will attack and blame you. She will think you are interfering with her life, and will not see the good in your heart.

Taking5

I admire you for wanting to help, and if I were in the same situation I believe I would try it. I would rather try and fail than sit back and do nothing.

However an anonymous letter will still have a postage mark on it, so unless you live in a very large city, this could blow your anonymity.

Let us know what happens.

guyinNC

True, mail from an adjacent city.

jdylan

Up-date on friend. I have done a lot of wresting back and forth on how to help my friend. This week is part of her birthday Month so she will be double trashed. I really felt I needed to say something to her personally about how worried I am about her, but I know from past experiences she will talk right over my voice, laugh it off or totally ignore me. A few times, I picked up the phone to call her other friend but chickened out. So after talking to my husband we agreed that it might be best to call her husband and let him know we were worried about her. He sounded very sad when I spoke to him and said he had been trying to figure out what to do but just didn’t know what to do. We talked about al anon and about how she was a danger to herself and others with her confrontational ways and how she needs to be under a physicians care. We talked about our friendship and how my husband & I would be there for him with support. I also told him that I needed some time away from the Wendy phone calls for a while because I was having a hard time dealing with the fact that I had fallen right into the “poor Wendy in a cruel world routine” and in the mean time, she was falling apart. I’m worried, sad and mad and need time to sort that out. I hope that some changes will come before she gets sicker or she confronts the wrong person. In some ways, I feel like I have betrayed her by going to her husband even though I know that’s a ridiculous thought. When the timing is right, meaning when she’s not too drunk, I will tell her how I feel. There is not too many close people left in her life for an intervention but I expect some would come because they feel sorry for her husband. Although Wendy’s husband is an exceptional man, I worry that he may become too comfortable in the victim role & I hope he gets help.
Thank you for listening,
T

steve11694

My AW did not have many significant people in her life either for an intervention. an experienced interventionist I contacted said it it not the quantity of people but the sincerity and emotional impact that matters most.

There were friends of my aw that were apparently ashamed of participating in an intervention, but we had 4 significant people ready to intervene including myself. My wife refused to agree to show up. Of course it was deemed as a birthday party for her.

rosalie

Having been happily married for many years,now widowed,I think her husband must know how seriously ill she is.More so than someone on the outside of the marrage.The only roadblock I see Is that if you become involved you will lose your friendship.I have seen it happen many times over the years. That is a choice you will have to make as it is a possibility.
You sound like a kind lady. Nice of you to want to help her.
They are adults.They are married. They have to work it out.

jdylan

Yes, I know you are right rosalie, I do risk losing the friendship (sad thought). I may be way off mark here but I felt I needed to give her husband some courage to make a stand. She can be very scary when drunk and mad. He sounded so helpless on the phone and when I mentioned Al Anon he said he had thought about it but didn't know how to go about it. I will not do the leg work for him or her, they do need to work it out themselves. However, as she goes right up to people for no reason what so ever and becomes mean, nasty and confrontational, her days are numbered if she comes across the wrong sort of person........so, I hope they make some decisions soon. I guess I can only wish that someday they may realize I took this risk in the hope that something would be done to keep her alive and well.
Thank you,
T

denny57

(((jdylan))) What set me on the road to my own recovery was a friend gently suggesting over a year that I try Al-Anon. I can never repay her. Living with alcoholism, I often felt isolated; so alone. Offering to be there may help HIM. I think you're a great friend.