leviathon

Hi All, I've been dealing with a lot of anger and resentment issues lately, as well as the usual stress, anxiety, pressure, etc. As a result of all of that, I have been having some meaningful discussions with someone that is particularly wise and during our discussions, he suggested I posted this thread, so here goes... the first post will be our most recent discussion on how he dealt with anger.

>> ... Can I ask, did you grow up with a lot of unexpressed anger? I am sensing that there are a lot of parallels between your story and my own.

Yup. As you spend more time in recovery you'll find that most of us guys have the same _feelings_, even though the details of our history are different.

>> ... What did you do to learn to express anger and resentment in a safe fashion?

Excercise, meetings, therapy. In that order. One of my early mentors was a world class body-builder. He encouraged me to exercise regularly, something which I still do today. Meetings gave me a safe place to vent and thus reduce the "pressure" before it built up. Therapy helped me understand the mechanisms behind my feelings, and with that understanding I was able to better avoid situations that "triggered" me.

So, here's my invitation to you all, how are you all dealing with your issues?
Just for the record, here was my response to the above:

Thanks so much NAME. Very helpful stuff.

I'd be glad to post in main forum... ACOA and Alcoholism... think it applies to both.

I guess part of me has been trying to do this without going to meetings and without going to therapy. I just want so bad to be normal. I've also been to therapy and to meetings and I got fed up with the procees a while back.

I have found great strength and support here. I rely on that for my continued sobriety, along with my spouse and my relationship with God. Praying daily and it helps. I have also started working out again. I used to be a provincial class bodybuilder and I know a lot of what drove me to work out four to six hours a day was the stress, frustration, anger, hurt, anxiety, etc. Working out really did help, although at times I think I not only was over doing it (duh, ya think 4-6/day), but I was also using it as an escape.

Peace Levi

GingerM

We were not allowed to show anger in our house growing up. Anger was met with physical force, emotional abuse, mockery or withdrawal of affection (and still is, but I no longer have to tolerate it). As a result, I could not express anger as an adult until fairly recently.

Counseling, lots of it. Particularly marriage counseling with a wonderful counselor and CBT counseling. I doubt I ever would have learned how to express anger in a safe fashion without having some sort of coach to give me words to use, scripts to follow, without numerous sessions of role-playing. I never developed the skill when most people learn it (during their childhood), and thus had to learn it as an adult with absolutely no role models (tv/movies don't exactly demonstrate healthy ways of dealing with anger, and I preferred not to resort to guns and violence).

If you look at the statistical 'norm', I think most people in the American culture have a difficult time expressing anger in healthy ways (see above about tv/movies). I have quit trying to figure out what normal is, or to be 'normal'. Instead, when I talk to my therapist, we talk in terms of what's healthy, not what's normal. Road rage seems normal. I don't want that. I want healthy.

leviathon

LMAO Ginger, especially the road rage... that was hillarious.

I really appreciate your thoughts, they are helpful. I had also posted this thread in Alcoholics, so you can see more input there if you are interested.

Levi.

SaTiT

never mind

SaTiT

yeah, kind of like life is not wihtout pain but suffering is optional.
life is not without anger but resentments are optional.

anger and resentments are not the same...for me.
a resentment is living the same pain over and over again.
kind of like unrevolves childhood pains.

an analogy...
but lets say i had a stomach pain or had to go pee really bad,
it's a bit touch for me to stand still or walk a straight line. I'm basically dysfunctional
I basically have to go releave myself so i don't embarass myself.
I go pee privately...behind a bush or whatever.
Nobody has a problem with that.

elizabeth1979

HAHA..Yeah. Anger was not encouraged when I was growing up. Unless it was by my parents. It was not a 'valid' emotion to have. Anger expressed on my end was viewed by my parents as comlpaints, ungratefuleness, whining, and disobedience...all of which were also unacceptable. I also learned that my anger triggered anger in my parents, so I eventualy stopped wanting to express it bc I didnt want my parents to 'express' their anger. I saved my anger up and would unleash when I couldnt hold it in any longer. Not so healthy!


Therapy, reading, and meetings. There were about a million things I tried that didnt work on handling anger.. Evaluating the situation causing the anger always works. What am I really angry about? Has a boundry been stomped on? is a new boundry in order? Am I overreacting? HALT? Figuring out what the anger is about helps me channel it or work through it.
As for resentments..nothing but a 4th step worked for me..and I still have some Im not able to completely let go of. Its a full time job to stop being resentful for some things...Im working OT!

leviathon

What about the other negative emotions, same situation?

I.e. fear? Hurt? Sadness? Dislike? etc?

SaTiT

yeap...playing the blues is easy, feeling it is hard.

fear...When I wrote the verious degrees of it. it help me.
I also just made a list of my fears..beucase fears ruled my life.
I fear of loosing, i fear of winning, but I didn't process it

once I identify hurt as hurt. I was able to just accept that I was hurt.
I actaully re-act more to hurt than anger. Sometimes anger was a
reaction to hurt.
I apply the same principle to hurt..I embrace it, instead of running from it.
The sooner I process it, the sooner I heal.

The same with fears, the more I invite fear to come the less
fear wanted to hang around.

for me..
The root cuase of my defects of charactor is that I was hurted.
I reacted with fear and anger becuase i was hurt.
Not everybody is the same way.

Journaling became very valuable becuase it also became an observation
tool. Because as I was writing or journaling each night it's like a little
inventory or an obvervation of my day. But through time, I learn to
observe my re-actions during the day instead of waiting until the end of the
day. A bird's eye view...in other words...I got out of myself and catch
myself faster before i made an ass out of myself.

Not only was I deny to feel anger , I was also deny to feel or process
my pain..you know..I got smack for crying or yelled at, to shut up.
So the same priniple applies.

Rella927

I grew up with not allowing any emotions to show-(Children of a Doctor and Nurse we had to always look good and act good no matter what they acted like) if we did show emotion it was also mocked at or told it was wrong to feel that way or this way. I think I grew up with a lot of unexpressed anger and never really knew much about it until I started into counseling and discovered just how angry of a child I was on the inside. (Now I feel what I want when I want with no judgement and no abuse because I do not allow it anymore) I know how to react to my mother now and when I feel that she is going to that abusive state, I kindly say I have to go I love you! Goodbye! And things are good with us-

As an adult after my husband was killed-(not an A) about 5 years later after going through many disappointing relationships-I realized that there was a problem with ME! I started counseling-and wow did I dig up a lot of resentment and anger. My husband and I were healthy or so I thought-we were both children of A’s and I’m guessing that us both having dealt with A LOT of the same issues we were able to really help each other and were so happy. When I lost him and my mother said at the funeral to one of my friends “She needs to get on with her life” it was told to me years later that is when I knew-I needed help. I love my counselor and she has and is still teaching me the “triggers” and how to react or not react to them! She is a blessing and helps me everyday! I express anger if it creeps up by talking to her and going to the gym, or shopping! It helps calm me down and get me back on my recovery track! The resentment thing is a tuff one-I’m working on this! I have weeded out a lot but there things I’m still working on to let go! I too as Ginger have been given tools to learn how to express anger in a “safe” way! It is amazing how well that works!

I go to see my counselor 3 times a month, and in between I go to Al-Anon. I log onto SR where I find so much inspiring stories from everyone with all types of stories-It is amazing-to read an learn so much on here! Learning new ways to live life is refreshing way to actually go through life! I’m HAPPY more now than I have ever been! Still a work in progress but getting there!

Other ways I use:

Writing is a big thing with me! My counselor told me write letters, write in your journal different things to write a list about (take your inventory if you will)

Reading! Love the reading and actually absorbing and learning!

I enjoy time with my friends (the healthy ones) as I have weeded out one or two that just did not fit into my recovery plan because they somehow without taking their inventory but are not very healthy! It is amazing how we see when we are taking care of ourselves and our issues what is really good and not good for our own well being! My friends especially the one who I have been best friends with since 4th grade-she is like a sister to me-we leaned on each other growing up and I thank God for her now and then! We were able to keep each other planted on the ground through alot in our lives!

Thank you for this Leviathon! This is another great thread for all of us to learn from each other our own ways of dealing and possible learning from each other new ways to grab onto to help ourselves!

(((LEVIATHON))))

leviathon

Satit and Rella, those are very helpful suggestions. I will pursue the journaling for sure.

Despite my lack of desire to go to counselling, I am now decided, thanks to all this great input, to go to counselling as well.

Thank you all.

Levi

Rella927

Leviathon-

Can I tell you something-I'm so proud of you! I really mean that! It takes alot to want to grab onto something such as counselling!

When my husband passed away-I had many people trying to force me into it. I told them to basically go pound salt! The reason being is because they saw the destructive pattern that I began...the realtionships that were the most unhealthy relationships you could imagine! I had a couple without A's they were who knows codies, narcissist's whatever! My husband was the greatest thing that ever happened to me-I miss him everday of my life-he understood me and I him....I was learning to cope as he was together because of the A parents we grew up with it. We got life and things that happen to us-he was my light-and when he was ripped away from me that is when I fell apart-and got myself into situations that I should not have but I'm glad that I did because it made me see that I had to get rid of the past-and help that little scared girl to grow up!

My best friend did not talk to me for almost 2 months-and I woke up! I said OH CRAP! Ok maybe I will try this counselling thing again-

I thank God for my counselor she has become not only my friend but my guardian Angel-she being a recovering A has taught me so much it is amazing! I can vent to her and talk to her about anything and everything and it stays there with her! She knows me better than I know myself sometimes which is really cool! She knows how to teach and not tell me what to do...she makes me do the work to get healthy which is the way it is suppose to be! I know at first we had our moments-I was nasty to her but she pulled me through it-it was the truth that I did not want to hear about myself-it is the truth from her that set me free for the most part (still working on that!) but I found that on my own and I hope that you will too-is that writing down your feelings or writing a letter to who ever you have things left unsaid helped me a great deal! I was allowed to get out of my brain everything that needed to be sucked out!

Lots of luck Levi-your a wonderful individual! I pray for all good things for you!

Lilya

Thanks for the thread, Leviathan. It´s always so helpful.

"Can I ask, did you grow up with a lot of unexpressed anger?"

There was a mixture of everything in my family as we didn´t have a conventional upbringing and because of the constant travels. There was a great deal of confusion. One day in Spain, the next in Marocco. Sometimes it was OK for everyone to be angry, sometimes we couldn´t say anything, then my Dad would say: "Remember, we live under a fascist regime. Be careful." (Spain during Franco) The next day he would encourage me to paint protests on a wall after we had seen arrests. I was only ten years old. Those arrests made me really angry, but I was afraid to show my anger. I was also angry with my family, but it was my safe haven.

Sometimes Mom said it was good to express anger and tought us how to do that (I sometimes use her advice because they were quite good). Honestly, I was so confused I decided to stop feeling anything and become numb. In France, I went for a protest and it was safe, but I felt nothing for a long time.

"What did you do to learn to express anger and resentment in a safe fashion?"

It took me a long time to realize that feelings consisted of anger, fear, bitterness, joy, gratitude and so on. I knew on an intellectual level that feelings consist of all of that, but I was flat for so many years, I didn´t know the difference. Finally I joined ACA in Paris. I learned anger management, controlling jalousie, bitterness and fear. I learned to respect my feelings and knowing that it´s a life long commitment.

At first, I couldn´t travel. I needed to be home all the time. All the suppressed fear of being in a danger zone somewhere in the Sahara desert or sailing where it wasn´t safe, overwhelmed me. Now I can travel again, but I go carefully.

I use affirmations, yoga, counting backwards in three different langages and taking it one hour at a time. The most valuable lesson: To let time pass and by solving one small problem, I have solved most of what is distressing me at a given time.

"So, here's my invitation to you all, how are you all dealing with your issues?"

I am learning in AA and in counseling not be a perfectionist. For me, it´s poison. It made me apologize way too much, give too much information and make crazy demands on me and other people. I´m learning to take myself not so seriously and respect other people more. It´s a long journey, but a good one.

Love and light,

leviathon

that's inspiring Rella, thank you for the compliment. I took the step of making two inquiries today. I am doing things a bit differently than I would have in the past. I am interviewing them b/f I agree to a relationship that I hope will be very insightful and growth oriented.

Peace, Levi

utopia

just wanted to add something i found helpful for me about anger and resentment.

FIRSTLY:
how do i define "anger"

Praise here for the dictionary meanings

anger= strong displeasure
rage=destructive intense anger
ire/fury= literary terms for anger
wrath= a righteous anger ie the wrath of god
resentment= a smouldering sense of indiganation over some grievance
indignation=a resilient from of anger ie public indignation over tax laws,human right laws

very complex!!!!

now resentment???
the poison i take hoping youll die

for me comes from a lack of honest and open communication.

WHAT am i holding onto? WHAT am I waiting for? What do I think I am owed? How is this hurting the other person.....how is it hurting myself? what does forgiveness mean to me. if i am angry and resentful i am holding onto the victim status and disempowering myself and leaving the responsibility fo rmy life in the hands of whom im resenting.

forgiving doesnt mean it didnt happen, that its "ok", it means i want to live a life of peace and love and happiness. for me it means i can have boundaries, set them and let the person know fo rmy benefit and if hey dont respect it they get removed from my life.