Tips on how to leave an abusive relationship!
I'm no angel!
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Tips on how to leave an abusive relationship!
Home
Leaving
Preparing to Leave
* Keep evidence of abuse (i.e., pictures, police reports, etc.) in a safe place that is accessible to you.
* Know where you can go to get help; tell someone you trust what is happening to you.
* If you are injured, go to a doctor or emergency room and report what happened to you.
* Make sure that they record your visit.
* Make sure that your children know that it is their job to stay safe, not protect you.
* Keep a journal of all violent incidences.
* Start an individual savings account and have statements sent to a trusted friend. Acquire job skills.
* If you must sneak away, leave extra money, extra car keys, important papers, and extra set of clothes for yourself and children with a trusted friend (avoid family members and mutual friends who may be influenced by the abuser). Include a list of important numbers (insurance numbers, driver's license, medication, checkbook, credit card numbers, etc.)
* Practice effective Self Defense Tricks... just in case
Getting Out:
What to do when leaving an abusive relationship?
If you are contemplating leaving an abusive relationship, there are some things you should do that may assist you in the process of leaving:
Make a safety plan
* Write down Contact Places in the community for support
* Assess your safety and that of your children
* Contact a shelter for a safe place to stay
* Seek interim custody
* Seek a support system from family, friends and advocates
* Be prepared, it helps you in a case of emergency.
Make an Escape Plan
* Make sure you have important documents
* Save money in secret when you can
* Keep extra keys and clothes with friends
* Plan out all possible escape routes - doors, first floor windows, elevators, stairwells and rehearse escape routes with your children
* Arrange a safe place to go such as a friend or relative who will offer unconditional support - or a motel, hotel, or shelter
* Memorize the telephone number of a domestic violence shelter or call 911
* Secure transportation
* Work out a signal system with a friend or other family members so that they know you are in danger
* Go when he is gone
* Don't tell him you are leaving
* Create an excuse to slip away
* Avoid arguments in areas with potential weapons such as the kitchen, garage, or in small spaces without escape routes.
* When leaving your home, be aware. Your spouse may try to hurt you to stop you escaping.
* Start to learn self defense techniques immediately!
What can you do if you have been abused?
* You can, and you should talk to someone about the abuse.
* You can tell a family member, a friend, or your doctor
* You can also talk to a support group in your community. Women's centres and legal aid offices may be able to tell you of other services which offer help.
You can get medical help
* If you have been hurt you can go to your doctor or to the Emergency Department at a hospital.
* If your injuries are visible you can have pictures taken. They can be used in court should you decide to lay assault charges.
* There are special medical and police procedures for sexual assault cases.
* For more information, check the Sexual Assault Department and the law in your country.
You can apply for a peace bond (in the countries where this system exist)
A peace bond or 'recognizance' is a paper signed by a person (such as a spouse) promising to keep the peace and be of good behavior. The peace bond may have other conditions such as requiring the person to stay away from your home or place of work. A peace bond may last for up to one year. The judge decides how long it will last.
You have to go to court to get a peace bond. You do not have to be assaulted to apply nor do you have to lay assault charges. You do have to convince the judge that you have a reasonable fear of the offender. The offender will also be in court.
Finding a Place To Go
When an assault occurs you should attempt to protect yourself. One way you might do this is to leave the home. If you don't have a friend or family member with whom you can safely stay, and cannot afford a motel, there are shelters in your country which will accommodate you in an emergency. The RCMP or the police, if requested, will escort you out of the family home to any safe place you specify.
If there are no shelters for you in the vicinity, the Salvation Army may be able to provide temporary assistance. It might also be worthwhile to check with the local Crisis Line or Help Line which may be able to provide a list of the organizations that can help during a crisis.
National Domestic Violence/Abuse Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224
TDD 24-hour-a-day hotline staffed by trained counselors ready to provide immediate crisis intervention assistance to those in need. Callers can be connected directly to help in their communities, including emergency services and shelters as well as receive information and referrals, counseling and assistance in reporting abuse.
This is a vital lifeline to anyone - man, woman or child - who is a survivor of domestic violence, or who suspects that someone they know may be the victim of abuse. Calls to the hotline are confidential, and callers may remain anonymous if they wish.
Article from Saftey For Women site
Leaving
Preparing to Leave
* Keep evidence of abuse (i.e., pictures, police reports, etc.) in a safe place that is accessible to you.
* Know where you can go to get help; tell someone you trust what is happening to you.
* If you are injured, go to a doctor or emergency room and report what happened to you.
* Make sure that they record your visit.
* Make sure that your children know that it is their job to stay safe, not protect you.
* Keep a journal of all violent incidences.
* Start an individual savings account and have statements sent to a trusted friend. Acquire job skills.
* If you must sneak away, leave extra money, extra car keys, important papers, and extra set of clothes for yourself and children with a trusted friend (avoid family members and mutual friends who may be influenced by the abuser). Include a list of important numbers (insurance numbers, driver's license, medication, checkbook, credit card numbers, etc.)
* Practice effective Self Defense Tricks... just in case
Getting Out:
What to do when leaving an abusive relationship?
If you are contemplating leaving an abusive relationship, there are some things you should do that may assist you in the process of leaving:
Make a safety plan
* Write down Contact Places in the community for support
* Assess your safety and that of your children
* Contact a shelter for a safe place to stay
* Seek interim custody
* Seek a support system from family, friends and advocates
* Be prepared, it helps you in a case of emergency.
Make an Escape Plan
* Make sure you have important documents
* Save money in secret when you can
* Keep extra keys and clothes with friends
* Plan out all possible escape routes - doors, first floor windows, elevators, stairwells and rehearse escape routes with your children
* Arrange a safe place to go such as a friend or relative who will offer unconditional support - or a motel, hotel, or shelter
* Memorize the telephone number of a domestic violence shelter or call 911
* Secure transportation
* Work out a signal system with a friend or other family members so that they know you are in danger
* Go when he is gone
* Don't tell him you are leaving
* Create an excuse to slip away
* Avoid arguments in areas with potential weapons such as the kitchen, garage, or in small spaces without escape routes.
* When leaving your home, be aware. Your spouse may try to hurt you to stop you escaping.
* Start to learn self defense techniques immediately!
What can you do if you have been abused?
* You can, and you should talk to someone about the abuse.
* You can tell a family member, a friend, or your doctor
* You can also talk to a support group in your community. Women's centres and legal aid offices may be able to tell you of other services which offer help.
You can get medical help
* If you have been hurt you can go to your doctor or to the Emergency Department at a hospital.
* If your injuries are visible you can have pictures taken. They can be used in court should you decide to lay assault charges.
* There are special medical and police procedures for sexual assault cases.
* For more information, check the Sexual Assault Department and the law in your country.
You can apply for a peace bond (in the countries where this system exist)
A peace bond or 'recognizance' is a paper signed by a person (such as a spouse) promising to keep the peace and be of good behavior. The peace bond may have other conditions such as requiring the person to stay away from your home or place of work. A peace bond may last for up to one year. The judge decides how long it will last.
You have to go to court to get a peace bond. You do not have to be assaulted to apply nor do you have to lay assault charges. You do have to convince the judge that you have a reasonable fear of the offender. The offender will also be in court.
Finding a Place To Go
When an assault occurs you should attempt to protect yourself. One way you might do this is to leave the home. If you don't have a friend or family member with whom you can safely stay, and cannot afford a motel, there are shelters in your country which will accommodate you in an emergency. The RCMP or the police, if requested, will escort you out of the family home to any safe place you specify.
If there are no shelters for you in the vicinity, the Salvation Army may be able to provide temporary assistance. It might also be worthwhile to check with the local Crisis Line or Help Line which may be able to provide a list of the organizations that can help during a crisis.
National Domestic Violence/Abuse Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224
TDD 24-hour-a-day hotline staffed by trained counselors ready to provide immediate crisis intervention assistance to those in need. Callers can be connected directly to help in their communities, including emergency services and shelters as well as receive information and referrals, counseling and assistance in reporting abuse.
This is a vital lifeline to anyone - man, woman or child - who is a survivor of domestic violence, or who suspects that someone they know may be the victim of abuse. Calls to the hotline are confidential, and callers may remain anonymous if they wish.
Article from Saftey For Women site
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Thanks for posting this Dolly.
I just wanted to add something to it. I called the hotline a couple of days before I left my AH and they gave me a number to call for a local shelter in my area.
I called that number last night after AH was making threats. I thought maybe it would help someone else to know what they told me.
They said if I wanted to go to the shelter they would have someone meet me and take me there. If I needed someone to hide my car they could do that, too.
They provide emergency 911 cell phones in case someone gets in danger while going to work or leaving, etc.
You are allowed to make calls while there but you are forbidden to contact your abuser while there.
If you need someone to go to court with you to help you get a restraining order they will do that.
If you get to the local shelter and feel like you are still in danger, they will move you as far away as you need to be to feel safe.
They do offer counselling. It is free of charge. And you don't have to be living in the shelter to receive it. They have counsellors available during the week for people staying and not staying at the shelter.
And they are very nice. When I first called the national number I hardly knew what to say and I cried a lot. They don't care. They will talk to you and comfort you and offer you advice. They are very nice. And if you call and need them to call you back they will do that, too.
I called at 1:00 this morning and talked for 1/2 an hour. They don't care. They understand.
They know what they are doing and they know what you need to do so please don't hesitate to call them. Even if all you do is cry. Call them even if all you do is ask questions. Call them if you even think you might need them. I hesitated to call them because my AH was only physically abusive when he was drinking and some how I could explain that away. Of course, he was verbally abusive sober or drunk. I wish I had called them sooner.
It was very eye-opening!
I was so afraid to call and someone said to me, "It's just a phone call."
She was so right. Although I hung up three times before I finally let the call go through.
Please, please, don't hesitate to call them!! You'll be glad you did!!
Thanks again, Dolly
~Cheryl
I just wanted to add something to it. I called the hotline a couple of days before I left my AH and they gave me a number to call for a local shelter in my area.
I called that number last night after AH was making threats. I thought maybe it would help someone else to know what they told me.
They said if I wanted to go to the shelter they would have someone meet me and take me there. If I needed someone to hide my car they could do that, too.
They provide emergency 911 cell phones in case someone gets in danger while going to work or leaving, etc.
You are allowed to make calls while there but you are forbidden to contact your abuser while there.
If you need someone to go to court with you to help you get a restraining order they will do that.
If you get to the local shelter and feel like you are still in danger, they will move you as far away as you need to be to feel safe.
They do offer counselling. It is free of charge. And you don't have to be living in the shelter to receive it. They have counsellors available during the week for people staying and not staying at the shelter.
And they are very nice. When I first called the national number I hardly knew what to say and I cried a lot. They don't care. They will talk to you and comfort you and offer you advice. They are very nice. And if you call and need them to call you back they will do that, too.
I called at 1:00 this morning and talked for 1/2 an hour. They don't care. They understand.
They know what they are doing and they know what you need to do so please don't hesitate to call them. Even if all you do is cry. Call them even if all you do is ask questions. Call them if you even think you might need them. I hesitated to call them because my AH was only physically abusive when he was drinking and some how I could explain that away. Of course, he was verbally abusive sober or drunk. I wish I had called them sooner.
It was very eye-opening!
I was so afraid to call and someone said to me, "It's just a phone call."
She was so right. Although I hung up three times before I finally let the call go through.
Please, please, don't hesitate to call them!! You'll be glad you did!!
Thanks again, Dolly
~Cheryl
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
From my own personal experience - I couldn't have done it (left) without the help of the shelter. The woman in charge was wonderful. She'd been through the same thing, and knew just what I was feeling. She even became my advocate and walked through the whole process of obtaining a restraining order, she also went to court with me. She protected me.
Two years have passed, and I find myself still occasionally calling her to thank her for all she did for me. Since then, through their program, I have opened my home for women in similar circumstances.
With my AH, the more independent I became through recovery, the more violent he became when intoxicated. It was very scary.
Two years have passed, and I find myself still occasionally calling her to thank her for all she did for me. Since then, through their program, I have opened my home for women in similar circumstances.
With my AH, the more independent I became through recovery, the more violent he became when intoxicated. It was very scary.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Thank you dollydo,
I just want to add for partners who may read this and think," Well, I am not abused" as they have no pictures to ever be shown. Emotional and mental abuse doesn't show actual bruises, passive physical abuse leaves no marks and aggressive physical abuse , when not a direct physical assault on the partner, is still physical abuse, mental and emotional abuse.
The weight of these patterns of abuses is as damaging or more damaging to its victims then a direct physical assault. You life is still at risk of serious harm.
love tammy
Romans:
8Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. 9The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet,"[a] and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself."[b] 10Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.
*Full Contest found in all of Romans , chapter 13
I just want to add for partners who may read this and think," Well, I am not abused" as they have no pictures to ever be shown. Emotional and mental abuse doesn't show actual bruises, passive physical abuse leaves no marks and aggressive physical abuse , when not a direct physical assault on the partner, is still physical abuse, mental and emotional abuse.
The weight of these patterns of abuses is as damaging or more damaging to its victims then a direct physical assault. You life is still at risk of serious harm.
love tammy
Romans:
8Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. 9The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet,"[a] and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself."[b] 10Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.
*Full Contest found in all of Romans , chapter 13
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
I am finding this as a great resouce outside of the typical things we are told (gather paperwork, money etc.) No one seems to what to tell you how to interact aside from leave while they are gone and go no contact. That is really hard for some people.
Read about Why it can be so hard to leave an abuser.. Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser
Read the Guidelines for Detachment - (Abuse Guidlines, not Co-D Guidelines)
Are You Dating a Loser? Identifying Losers, Controllers and Abusers in Relationships, Part 2
Read about Why it can be so hard to leave an abuser.. Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser
Read the Guidelines for Detachment - (Abuse Guidlines, not Co-D Guidelines)
Are You Dating a Loser? Identifying Losers, Controllers and Abusers in Relationships, Part 2
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 87
I don't know how many states have an Address Confidentiality Program, but WA state has one. It is administered through their Secretary of State in coordination with victim advocates. A double safeguard with that program is to still NOT use your home address (once you get a new one), but to use the services of a PO box or mail center. It's one more level of distance between you and them.
The one flaw--or thing to be aware of--in "disappearing" is that if you have children in school the other parent may be able to get information that could be dangerous to you. Even if the school and teachers are aware of the situation, there can be slips and the other parent has the right through FERPA to access the children's educational records (and use them to locate you) UNLESS you have a court order preventing that.
"An educational agency or institution shall give full rights under the Act to either parent, unless the agency or institution has been provided with evidence that there is a court order, State statute, or legally binding document relating to such matters as divorce, separation, or custody, that specifically revokes these rights.
This means that, in the case of divorce or separation, a school district must provide access to both natural parents, custodial and non-custodial, unless there is a legally binding document that specifically removes that parent's FERPA rights. In this context, a legally binding document is a court order or other legal paper that prohibits access to education record, or removes the parent's rights to have knowledge about his or her child's education."
The one flaw--or thing to be aware of--in "disappearing" is that if you have children in school the other parent may be able to get information that could be dangerous to you. Even if the school and teachers are aware of the situation, there can be slips and the other parent has the right through FERPA to access the children's educational records (and use them to locate you) UNLESS you have a court order preventing that.
"An educational agency or institution shall give full rights under the Act to either parent, unless the agency or institution has been provided with evidence that there is a court order, State statute, or legally binding document relating to such matters as divorce, separation, or custody, that specifically revokes these rights.
This means that, in the case of divorce or separation, a school district must provide access to both natural parents, custodial and non-custodial, unless there is a legally binding document that specifically removes that parent's FERPA rights. In this context, a legally binding document is a court order or other legal paper that prohibits access to education record, or removes the parent's rights to have knowledge about his or her child's education."
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
You can specify that (no contact with children) in a protective order (I did).
Also, since this was bumped, wanted to emphasize Tammy's comment:
Also, since this was bumped, wanted to emphasize Tammy's comment:
I just want to add for partners who may read this and think," Well, I am not abused" as they have no pictures to ever be shown. Emotional and mental abuse doesn't show actual bruises, passive physical abuse leaves no marks and aggressive physical abuse , when not a direct physical assault on the partner, is still physical abuse, mental and emotional abuse.
The weight of these patterns of abuses is as damaging or more damaging to its victims then a direct physical assault. You life is still at risk of serious harm.
The weight of these patterns of abuses is as damaging or more damaging to its victims then a direct physical assault. You life is still at risk of serious harm.
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