Are You in An Abusive Relationship?
I'm no angel!
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Are You in An Abusive Relationship?
"There are many different types of abuse", says Ilse Pauw, Cape Town psychologist. "Some involve physical attacks or aggressive behaviour which can range from slapping to bruising, to serious assaults, to murder. Then there is sexual abuse within the relationship. Often the physical abuse culminates in sexual violence. Then there is psychological battering, which can constitute verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolating the partner from family and friends, depriving the person of food, money and clothes, destroying her/his property and her/his self-esteem."
Signs of abusive relationships:
Constant putdowns. If your partner ridicules you in front of other people, implying that you are stupid, uninformed and that your opinion on things is irrelevant, the behaviour is abusive.
Who was that who looked at you? Extreme jealousy and possessiveness is often a sign of an abusive relationship. If you feel as if you are constantly being watched and constantly questioned about everyone you spoke to, all your movements, chances are your relationship is abusive.
Demure and downtrodden. If you find yourself growing quieter and rather saying nothing at all than saying something that could unleash a torrent of abuse, you are in a danger zone. The same goes for starting to do things purely in order to avoid another verbal or physical attack. The sad thing, though, is that it is not your behaviour causing the abuse, so changing your behaviour won't put a stop to it.
All on my own. If you find that your partner is constantly criticising your family and friends, does not make them feel welcome in the home, and makes it more and more difficult for you to see them, the isolation process, which is so typical of the abusive relationship, has begun.
Last minute cancellations. You find that it happens more and more often that your partner provokes a scene or does something to effectively prevent you from attending social occasions to which you, or the two of you, have been invited.
Not a cent to be spent. Financial control is another form of abuse. Obviously unbridled spending on unnecessary luxuries cannot be justified. But if one of the partners is forced to hand over their entire salary, or ask for every little thing that is needed, or is not given any spending money, or is made to account for every single cent that is spent, it could be seen as abusive.
Temper tantrums. No one is always in a good mood, but there is a difference between feeling rather miffed and losing control, shouting, screaming and breaking things. If your partner is destroying your property, the message is clear: You could be next. If you are unable to raise even small issues without unleashing a torrent of abuse, there is a problem.
Violent assaults. Whether this happens once a year or every week, if there are violent episodes in your relationship, the relationship is abusive. Being bruised, battered and assaulted by your partner is not acceptable. No one ever deserves to be treated in this manner, whatever the reasons the batterer chooses to give. It is not your behaviour that causes this ? if you do some research, you will more than likely find that there is history of this kind of behaviour long before you were ever on the scene.
Your children are quiet and withdrawn. Children who live in a home where the parental relationship is physically or emotionally abusive, quickly learn that it is better not to attract any attention. They are often withdrawn and overcompliant, and sometimes develop behavioural problems or psychosomatic symptoms as a resault of the stress they're under. ?
(Susan Erasmus, Health24)
Signs of abusive relationships:
Constant putdowns. If your partner ridicules you in front of other people, implying that you are stupid, uninformed and that your opinion on things is irrelevant, the behaviour is abusive.
Who was that who looked at you? Extreme jealousy and possessiveness is often a sign of an abusive relationship. If you feel as if you are constantly being watched and constantly questioned about everyone you spoke to, all your movements, chances are your relationship is abusive.
Demure and downtrodden. If you find yourself growing quieter and rather saying nothing at all than saying something that could unleash a torrent of abuse, you are in a danger zone. The same goes for starting to do things purely in order to avoid another verbal or physical attack. The sad thing, though, is that it is not your behaviour causing the abuse, so changing your behaviour won't put a stop to it.
All on my own. If you find that your partner is constantly criticising your family and friends, does not make them feel welcome in the home, and makes it more and more difficult for you to see them, the isolation process, which is so typical of the abusive relationship, has begun.
Last minute cancellations. You find that it happens more and more often that your partner provokes a scene or does something to effectively prevent you from attending social occasions to which you, or the two of you, have been invited.
Not a cent to be spent. Financial control is another form of abuse. Obviously unbridled spending on unnecessary luxuries cannot be justified. But if one of the partners is forced to hand over their entire salary, or ask for every little thing that is needed, or is not given any spending money, or is made to account for every single cent that is spent, it could be seen as abusive.
Temper tantrums. No one is always in a good mood, but there is a difference between feeling rather miffed and losing control, shouting, screaming and breaking things. If your partner is destroying your property, the message is clear: You could be next. If you are unable to raise even small issues without unleashing a torrent of abuse, there is a problem.
Violent assaults. Whether this happens once a year or every week, if there are violent episodes in your relationship, the relationship is abusive. Being bruised, battered and assaulted by your partner is not acceptable. No one ever deserves to be treated in this manner, whatever the reasons the batterer chooses to give. It is not your behaviour that causes this ? if you do some research, you will more than likely find that there is history of this kind of behaviour long before you were ever on the scene.
Your children are quiet and withdrawn. Children who live in a home where the parental relationship is physically or emotionally abusive, quickly learn that it is better not to attract any attention. They are often withdrawn and overcompliant, and sometimes develop behavioural problems or psychosomatic symptoms as a resault of the stress they're under. ?
(Susan Erasmus, Health24)
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Who was that who looked at you? Extreme jealousy and possessiveness is often a sign of an abusive relationship. If you feel as if you are constantly being watched and constantly questioned about everyone you spoke to, all your movements, chances are your relationship is abusive.
We were out to dinner one night, when one of the wait staff complimented me on my sweater. OMG, the crap hit the fan!! My A was LIVID. Walked out of the restraunt leaving me sitting there, came back, told out server to package our food, we were LEAVING. His mannerism let it be known he was none too happy. I was scared to death to leave. Once we got to the parking lot, the barrage began. I was "flirting" with him, liked the attention, did nothing to stop it yadda, yadda, yadda. He was furious at me for not leaving with him the first time. All the time, I was in SHOCK. It was a complment, nothing more. I did nothing to instigate it and mearly said "thank you" once the compliment was given. It didn't end there. IF we had a disagreement or argument in the MONTHS after, it would always be brought up.
The isolation began to become an issue also. I was very social when I met my A. Active and surrounded by family and friends. It's funny, the change happened so subtly I hardly noticed. But ultimatly, he did not like me being with ANYONE other than him. I stopped seeing my friends and family. If I got a phone call, he wanted toknow who it was and what they wanted. If I told him, he would berate me and the caller about how I had to "change my life". According to him, I was always "flitting and flirting"
As his drinking progressed, so did the incidents of emotional and verbal abuse. Escalating to a slap on the back of the head one night that knocked me off the couch. I've ALWAYS been of the mindset that if a man so much as raised a finger to me, I would be OUT. True to GOOD codie behaviour, I forgave him. Two weeks later, it happened again. During anargument, he tried to get in his vehicle. I didn't want him driving drunk, so I reached in to get his keys, He pushed me away and tried to shut the door at the same time, hitting me in the eye, and knocking me down on the ground. Black eye out of that one. He said it was an "accident" but for me, it was the begining of the end. I left him and my HP willing this times it's for good.
Great article Dolly!!! I only wanted to point out it can happen subtly and to be aware of the signs
Peace
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Hey CE. It is subtle isn't it!
Until I read your post I had forgotten that I used to go out with my family and friends when we were first married. I completely forgot the things I used to do. I forgot how much I used to love the holidays. Now they are a source of fear and anxiety for me.
WOW! It really starts in subtle ways. I wonder what my guy instinct was telling me way back then?
Until I read your post I had forgotten that I used to go out with my family and friends when we were first married. I completely forgot the things I used to do. I forgot how much I used to love the holidays. Now they are a source of fear and anxiety for me.
WOW! It really starts in subtle ways. I wonder what my guy instinct was telling me way back then?
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