criss-cross

why am I crying?
I hate him so much.
He has ruined my life. I'm bankrupt. I'm dealing with the collection calls, I'm dealing with the $100,000 debt. and the 3 kids.
He's mad I took his only mode of transport away. MY BICYCLE "I didn't think you'd mind if I took it" he said - without asking - just coming to my house when I wasn't home and taking it out of the garage. Just ignore the court order - that says he needs my permission to be here.
Last year I had started writing a journal. I read what happened last Mother's day - where he woke me up needing a check (so he could get beer) of course his pretense was he needed money for gas to go to his sister's - but we had a gas card (that could only be used for gas). And he wasn't nice about it - kept taking the sheets off me, I'd put them back on and he'd take them off. Then he started lifting my leg off the bed and pulling me out of bed. I finally gave in and gave him a check - to get rid of him. Of course he came back the next day.
The only bright spot in Mother's day last year was when my daughter brought me lucky charms in bed!
All these 1 year anniversaries are going to start happening. On our anniversary almost a year ago (in a couple weeks) he got lost coming home (drunk) and his friend took him to detox.
And then there's the accident that happened 4 days after that. Where I got the phone call at 1 a.m. that he was in the hospital. I got there and found out he had a broken neck and was in a halo for all summer vacation.
I haven't cried for a long time. Just when I'm feeling ok, I get the one collection call that sets it all off again.
Looking back, I do feel so much better than I did last year. It just makes me so sad & mad.
Thanks for listening.

FormerDoormat

Maybe you're crying because you're still angry with yourself. Angry that you allowed someone to mistreat you for so long. He's out of your life now, which is a VERY GOOD THING. And the healing will begin as soon as you start to forgive yourself. Does your employer have an employee assistance program? If so, you can get several free counseling sessions. Take advantage of this fabulous benefit if it's available to you. If not, perhaps a nearby Alanon group would be helpful to you.

cagefree

(((criss-cross)))

I get upset with myself when I let the past get to me...but it helps to know I'm recovering. Thank goodness you are not one year worse. Anniversaries are tough, regardless.

Hugs to you!

denny57

(((criss-cross)))

lilac

(((Criss Cross))) I know it is hard........don't give up ! You are strong....and you know you have made such progress from this time last year. One step at a time...

chero

Prayers Criss!

((((((((CRISS-CROSS))))))))))

criss-cross

FD - I know I'm mad that I stayed so long. I should have left a long time ago. Wish I knew you guys then. I just held out hope way too long. No luck on employee assistance - I work 5 part time jobs all either non-profit organizations or community owned.

I guess it's just a bad day.

I'll think about it tomorrow. that's always worked before.
thanks for your thoughts guys.
I do appreciate them, (especially the hugs!!)

chero

Hugs are available anytime!!!!!

kermit

I cray oftten.. it helps me lets me know I can still feel... crying is not a weakness ao cry cry and cry some more.. It's a proccess. I'm depressed just thinking that a year has gone bye and he has not been around... Not to mention mothers day... I can go on forever... Hang in there....
Love, Kermmie

Sunflower

yep vent away--we are here......when you look back on things only remember the good-like you kid bringing you lucky charms--push the rest away--done deal and in the past

HolyQow

It's just so overwhelming right now. I can remember the hospital calling after my second child (who was a preemie, and his bill was 60k) I only had to pay 1000 of it, but I didn't have it. The hospital wanted me to commit to a payment plan...and the poor lady who called got an earful about how I didn't know if I would have $5 a month! I believe I cried every time the phone rang for months (and we didn't have caller id then). Then I would get upset if it was someone just asking for a donation for a charity....I hated explaining (over and over again) that I did NOT have any money.

It will get better. We were not any less happy when we didn't have money then when we did....I am always saying, the more we make, the more we spend. It's not a bad thing to ask family and friends to help out....you don't have to do it all. It's typical of myself, to try to do everything myself....but asking for help is better.

loveRoy

Hang in there. I hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day. Sounds like you have a precious daughter. I have two of them. They are priceless.

FormerDoormat

Perhaps your local Women's Crisis Center can help you find no- or low-cost counseling. It's worth looking into.

StandingStrong

I remember feeling that way criss-cross.
I was angry that I'd stayed as long as I did, which in a way had put me in the situation that I found myself in. Then my A would tell me that "This is the way you made it" if I even asked him for lunch money for the kids because it had been my choice to seperate. You know, it just did NOT seem fair! And it was soooo overwhelming!

Today, I still get overwhelmed with the financial aspect (as my now XAH is still the same irresponsible person he always was) and I still get mad at him because he still doesn't seem to give a care about the kid's well-being. But you know, I don't cry anymore. It's gotten easier to deal with because I just know that is how he is and he's not going to change. And even though lack of money is a major issue in my life - I know that I'm rich in other ways (just like you are with the lucky charms breakfast and a child that loves you).

Hang in there. It's tough, but it can and does get better.