Alcoholic stepchildren?
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Mill Valley California
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Alcoholic stepchildren?
Hi everyone:
My partner is two years clean and sober in AA, and for most of those two years he resented me about once a month for "forcing" him into recovery. Now he is really truly in recovery, and coming alive, and our relationship is sometimes more intimate than it's ever been (we've been together 7 years.)
But sometimes I just feel so tired and trapped in this relationship, as though my voice is disappearing. I fantasize leaving a lot, and I'm afraid to leave. I don't understand why. He's never been violent to me. He's controlling, but not abusive. He says he loves me a lot and he's often very kind and generous to me. My brother says it's the best relationship I've ever been in, and it IS still v. alive.
Anyway my partner is sober now, and less tense than he was in early recovery, but I still find myself way too eager to please him, perhaps afraid of his anger or of him leaving me, and I resent the times he will yell upstairs and expect me to drop everything and come running, or he sort of orders me around -- i.e. --''"get Mike some cheesecake, will you?"
His 23-year-old son, however, has been drinking heavily since 17. (He doesn't live with us.) And this is the most draining, grinding problem I have (other than having quite a bit of worry and financial responsibility within my family as my parents are in their 80s and my dad had a v. serious stroke.) So there's opportunities for caretaking and losing my center all round, and I have definitely lost my capacity to "Find contenment and even happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not," as the Al-Anon preamble says.
I was sensitive to it (my stepson's drinking) from when he was 17, as my father was alcoholic also. I could not beleive that I'd somehow gotten myself back into another alcoholic family, when I was so relieved to have fled my own.
One person told me to "run like the wind" when I realized what was coming down. Things have been very very bad between me and this stepson -- culminating in a terrible scene two years ago that included him swearing at me and me doing things I wasn't proud of either. (The year before his father had left me alone in the house with him for a week while he was on a business trip, and the son had drunk to the point of drunkenness alone in his room, and I had said nothing, pretended I didn't notice basically, feeling totally freaked out.)
My partner goes in and out of denial about his son's drinking. Two or three times a year he gets very alarmed and I feel I can relax, like I'm not the only one who sees reality. The rest of the time, My partner says the jury's still out, his son is still young, etc. That he feels torn in two because he loves both of us and we're basically not speaking.
(IMy stepson's symptoms included drinking every day, drinking in the daytime, drinking hard liquor alone in his room, lots of drunk driving, several fights with people after drinking, numerous unexplained roomate problems, stomach problems due to drinking, attempts to "cut back," taking major grad school entrance exams with a hangover, absolutely stinking of booze in the morning of his college graduation. But somehow he managed to graduate with very good grades, which a lot of people seem to consider a sign that he doesn't have a problem.)
Since that traumatizing night I have not wanted to be in my stepson's presence. I made several apology gestures to him, but got none in return. When I go out to dinner with him and his father, I feel like I'm supposed to pretend there is no alcohol issue, even when he tells us "funny" stories such as being arrested for being drunk and swearing at a cop. And like I'm treated with a sort of cold formal politeness, and underlying it is contempt. So I just don't want to participate , even though the stepson is now gesturing taht he would like contact with me. Because of my dad, I think, it just freaks me out -- that and the fact that my partner's boundaries with him are so bendy. (WE have a no alcohol in the house rule, but I still worry about him coming home drunk, and don't feel comfortable having him slelep in the house. So there yoiu hve it. help! Anybody have hints on keeping sane in this situation? I'm so waeary.
I am very distressed --- when I refuse to have contact with the stepson, the father gets very upset and angry with me and says I am very oversensitive to alcohol. (I am -- I see this kid as my angry aggressive drunk father and feel like a little girl myself.)
I don't want to be a cold rejecting stepmother. But I feel totally upset, dissed, scared, around this kid!
My partner is two years clean and sober in AA, and for most of those two years he resented me about once a month for "forcing" him into recovery. Now he is really truly in recovery, and coming alive, and our relationship is sometimes more intimate than it's ever been (we've been together 7 years.)
But sometimes I just feel so tired and trapped in this relationship, as though my voice is disappearing. I fantasize leaving a lot, and I'm afraid to leave. I don't understand why. He's never been violent to me. He's controlling, but not abusive. He says he loves me a lot and he's often very kind and generous to me. My brother says it's the best relationship I've ever been in, and it IS still v. alive.
Anyway my partner is sober now, and less tense than he was in early recovery, but I still find myself way too eager to please him, perhaps afraid of his anger or of him leaving me, and I resent the times he will yell upstairs and expect me to drop everything and come running, or he sort of orders me around -- i.e. --''"get Mike some cheesecake, will you?"
His 23-year-old son, however, has been drinking heavily since 17. (He doesn't live with us.) And this is the most draining, grinding problem I have (other than having quite a bit of worry and financial responsibility within my family as my parents are in their 80s and my dad had a v. serious stroke.) So there's opportunities for caretaking and losing my center all round, and I have definitely lost my capacity to "Find contenment and even happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not," as the Al-Anon preamble says.
I was sensitive to it (my stepson's drinking) from when he was 17, as my father was alcoholic also. I could not beleive that I'd somehow gotten myself back into another alcoholic family, when I was so relieved to have fled my own.
One person told me to "run like the wind" when I realized what was coming down. Things have been very very bad between me and this stepson -- culminating in a terrible scene two years ago that included him swearing at me and me doing things I wasn't proud of either. (The year before his father had left me alone in the house with him for a week while he was on a business trip, and the son had drunk to the point of drunkenness alone in his room, and I had said nothing, pretended I didn't notice basically, feeling totally freaked out.)
My partner goes in and out of denial about his son's drinking. Two or three times a year he gets very alarmed and I feel I can relax, like I'm not the only one who sees reality. The rest of the time, My partner says the jury's still out, his son is still young, etc. That he feels torn in two because he loves both of us and we're basically not speaking.
(IMy stepson's symptoms included drinking every day, drinking in the daytime, drinking hard liquor alone in his room, lots of drunk driving, several fights with people after drinking, numerous unexplained roomate problems, stomach problems due to drinking, attempts to "cut back," taking major grad school entrance exams with a hangover, absolutely stinking of booze in the morning of his college graduation. But somehow he managed to graduate with very good grades, which a lot of people seem to consider a sign that he doesn't have a problem.)
Since that traumatizing night I have not wanted to be in my stepson's presence. I made several apology gestures to him, but got none in return. When I go out to dinner with him and his father, I feel like I'm supposed to pretend there is no alcohol issue, even when he tells us "funny" stories such as being arrested for being drunk and swearing at a cop. And like I'm treated with a sort of cold formal politeness, and underlying it is contempt. So I just don't want to participate , even though the stepson is now gesturing taht he would like contact with me. Because of my dad, I think, it just freaks me out -- that and the fact that my partner's boundaries with him are so bendy. (WE have a no alcohol in the house rule, but I still worry about him coming home drunk, and don't feel comfortable having him slelep in the house. So there yoiu hve it. help! Anybody have hints on keeping sane in this situation? I'm so waeary.
I am very distressed --- when I refuse to have contact with the stepson, the father gets very upset and angry with me and says I am very oversensitive to alcohol. (I am -- I see this kid as my angry aggressive drunk father and feel like a little girl myself.)
I don't want to be a cold rejecting stepmother. But I feel totally upset, dissed, scared, around this kid!
Last edited by Mytruelotus; 05-11-2007 at 07:04 PM. Reason: add a couple lines
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, mytruelotus, glad you're here!
I read your post a couple times and I honestly can't see why you stay - the closest you come is saying you're afraid to leave. Or you're afraid he'll leave you. Why are you afraid of that?
Do you still attend Al-Anon? It sounds like there's quite a bit of resentment still going on. I don't know, you say he's sober and in recovery, but that seems out of whack with "get Mike a piece of cheesecake." Where's the respect?
I look forward to hearing more of your story and getting to know you.
p.s. I think it's reasonable that you feel totally upset, dissed and scared around this kid.
I read your post a couple times and I honestly can't see why you stay - the closest you come is saying you're afraid to leave. Or you're afraid he'll leave you. Why are you afraid of that?
Do you still attend Al-Anon? It sounds like there's quite a bit of resentment still going on. I don't know, you say he's sober and in recovery, but that seems out of whack with "get Mike a piece of cheesecake." Where's the respect?
I look forward to hearing more of your story and getting to know you.
p.s. I think it's reasonable that you feel totally upset, dissed and scared around this kid.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
I had the most wonderful step mother--I miss her soooo much---I think the trick is to stay out of it as much as possible and let his father handle it. If your husband can't see the problem maybe you both need to go to marriage counseling.Sometimes when an outsider points things out-it is easier to take.
If you feel unsafe that is really a major issue--and it needs to be adresses not ignored.What is it that you are afraid of when it comes to his step son?
You already have issues with alcohol from your childhood so this must be very difficult for you.
Does the step son have a mother who is in the picture at all?
I don't know your whole story--but I can feel your pain and worry--be safe and keep updating(((HUGS))))
If you feel unsafe that is really a major issue--and it needs to be adresses not ignored.What is it that you are afraid of when it comes to his step son?
You already have issues with alcohol from your childhood so this must be very difficult for you.
Does the step son have a mother who is in the picture at all?
I don't know your whole story--but I can feel your pain and worry--be safe and keep updating(((HUGS))))
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