Left someone behind...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 11
Left someone behind...
Hey...
I am new to this site and this is my first post. About two months ago, I realized that I had to separate from a boyfriend as a result of his utter refusal to acknowledge what I perceived to be a substance abuse problem. See, here's the thing... I felt and still feel neurotic about my take on things... like my perception is the one that is off. He is a 35 yr. old man who smokes pot everyday. A bag of weed and a one-hitter are always at his disposal to some degree or another... in his bag, in his pocket or being used in his hand. When we were together, it seemed that it was never more than an arm's length away and it became like a third person who was always tagging along with us. We could be cooking dinner, watching a movie, getting ready to go out or hanging out around the city and pot was inevitably making multiple appearances. He wasn't the type to smoke joint after joint but simply seemed to maintain a high on a daily basis puffing throughout the day. Since he has been smoking like this since he was 15, it is almost like he has been under its influence for about 20 years. Thinking about that blows my mind. I don't think that I realized (or cared to realize) how necessary pot was to him until we moved in together and observed the reality of it.
I remember pushing my anxieties about it down into a nice little compartment somwhere within me feeling like I didn't want to rock the boat. After all, he was so sexy to me in so many ways... he was good to me... held doors, listened to me, visited me at work, made me laugh hysterically and took me out to dinner every other night. Why shouldn't I just leave well enough alone in that case?
Somewhere in the mix, I also realized that he appeared to have an affinity for cocaine. He did not use coke daily... probably a couple of times a month... sometimes more, sometimes less. I do admit that in the beginning, I was party to both of these drugs for some time. I never smoked the way he did, at night while hanging out watching TV or I would do a little blow at a party or a club... I did not use at the same regular rate. Over time, it eventually seemed perverse to use next to somebody who seemed compulsive. It was only when I realized that he was using at more than a recreational pace that I took a step back. Drugs seemed to mean something different to him... they seemed to be his way to have fun whereas I could take or leave them. They seemed to have sapped his motivation and a lust for life. I stopped my own usage upon this discovery and opened my eyes to the reality of the situation. What I saw who couldn't go a day without smoking... who did not want to experience life without a buzz.
I tried to get him to confront his usage... he did not want to hear it.
We went to counseling a couple of times and he became frustrated with it almost immediately. I had to drag him to the second session. Not a good sign. He would tell us (the counselor and I) he knew he was addicted to marijuana, he would deal with it on his own terms and he would not promise anything to anyone and he didn't want to be pushed. After counseling, he stopped smoking in front of me (took it outside) and stopped for a small amount of time but that was a temporary appeasement. He would tell me that I turned into his mother and that I was always seemingly disappointed with him or unhappy with him and that if I wanted more then I deserved more.
Point is, I just feel like I had been listening to someone who I love to bits tell me for so long that I was making a big deal out of something that was a non-issue... it was just his way of having fun and that he wasn't interested in making any changes. Basically, I am convinced by his denial and I am subscribing to idea that I sabotaged the relationship by bringing attention to the pink elephant in the room! Has anyone else experienced this...? It sucks... I miss him like hell but in the end, he wasn't willing to acknowledge something that was important to me and I lost respect for him. I would have done anything to make it work but I left the relationship knowing that he wouldn't do the same (or couldn't) and I feel like a hypocrite and a neurotic mess. I just feel like I left him behind in a way. All I asked was for us to be a part of healthy relationship and for him to explore his usage with a counselor. I never gave ultimatums or threats. I just thought he/we had more potential. Am I crazy?
I am new to this site and this is my first post. About two months ago, I realized that I had to separate from a boyfriend as a result of his utter refusal to acknowledge what I perceived to be a substance abuse problem. See, here's the thing... I felt and still feel neurotic about my take on things... like my perception is the one that is off. He is a 35 yr. old man who smokes pot everyday. A bag of weed and a one-hitter are always at his disposal to some degree or another... in his bag, in his pocket or being used in his hand. When we were together, it seemed that it was never more than an arm's length away and it became like a third person who was always tagging along with us. We could be cooking dinner, watching a movie, getting ready to go out or hanging out around the city and pot was inevitably making multiple appearances. He wasn't the type to smoke joint after joint but simply seemed to maintain a high on a daily basis puffing throughout the day. Since he has been smoking like this since he was 15, it is almost like he has been under its influence for about 20 years. Thinking about that blows my mind. I don't think that I realized (or cared to realize) how necessary pot was to him until we moved in together and observed the reality of it.
I remember pushing my anxieties about it down into a nice little compartment somwhere within me feeling like I didn't want to rock the boat. After all, he was so sexy to me in so many ways... he was good to me... held doors, listened to me, visited me at work, made me laugh hysterically and took me out to dinner every other night. Why shouldn't I just leave well enough alone in that case?
Somewhere in the mix, I also realized that he appeared to have an affinity for cocaine. He did not use coke daily... probably a couple of times a month... sometimes more, sometimes less. I do admit that in the beginning, I was party to both of these drugs for some time. I never smoked the way he did, at night while hanging out watching TV or I would do a little blow at a party or a club... I did not use at the same regular rate. Over time, it eventually seemed perverse to use next to somebody who seemed compulsive. It was only when I realized that he was using at more than a recreational pace that I took a step back. Drugs seemed to mean something different to him... they seemed to be his way to have fun whereas I could take or leave them. They seemed to have sapped his motivation and a lust for life. I stopped my own usage upon this discovery and opened my eyes to the reality of the situation. What I saw who couldn't go a day without smoking... who did not want to experience life without a buzz.
I tried to get him to confront his usage... he did not want to hear it.
We went to counseling a couple of times and he became frustrated with it almost immediately. I had to drag him to the second session. Not a good sign. He would tell us (the counselor and I) he knew he was addicted to marijuana, he would deal with it on his own terms and he would not promise anything to anyone and he didn't want to be pushed. After counseling, he stopped smoking in front of me (took it outside) and stopped for a small amount of time but that was a temporary appeasement. He would tell me that I turned into his mother and that I was always seemingly disappointed with him or unhappy with him and that if I wanted more then I deserved more.
Point is, I just feel like I had been listening to someone who I love to bits tell me for so long that I was making a big deal out of something that was a non-issue... it was just his way of having fun and that he wasn't interested in making any changes. Basically, I am convinced by his denial and I am subscribing to idea that I sabotaged the relationship by bringing attention to the pink elephant in the room! Has anyone else experienced this...? It sucks... I miss him like hell but in the end, he wasn't willing to acknowledge something that was important to me and I lost respect for him. I would have done anything to make it work but I left the relationship knowing that he wouldn't do the same (or couldn't) and I feel like a hypocrite and a neurotic mess. I just feel like I left him behind in a way. All I asked was for us to be a part of healthy relationship and for him to explore his usage with a counselor. I never gave ultimatums or threats. I just thought he/we had more potential. Am I crazy?
Last edited by Helene1; 05-11-2007 at 06:23 PM.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Nope, you are not crazy...he is an addict, he does not want to give up drugs, he chooses them over you...it is his choice.
Also, I might add that Cocaine is the white devil, twice a month usage (is what he tells you) will get worse, smoking pot will only work as a bandaid for so long and then he will be go harder into coke...that's just the way it works, the general progression of addiction.
I say welcome, pull up a chair, lots of great people here.
Also, I might add that Cocaine is the white devil, twice a month usage (is what he tells you) will get worse, smoking pot will only work as a bandaid for so long and then he will be go harder into coke...that's just the way it works, the general progression of addiction.
I say welcome, pull up a chair, lots of great people here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
You know what? I know what seems to be a fair amount of people in their late 30's through about early 50's who are daily smokers. It's weird. Was it the era? the 70's? My ex was like that. A daily smoker. He never abused anything else but he did go through a period where he did a fair amount of acid. He never smoked at work or anything, but after work it was like his "cocktail". And then the weekends pretty much off and on all day. It got under my skin. (that wasn't the reason for our divorce) I smoked a fair amount in my teenaged day, but I guess I grew out of it. Now it just makes me short of breath and sleepy.
I don't think that pot is a guarantee that someone will become an addict of any other sort; it certainly did not affect me that way. Not that it is right, but millions of people in the US and worldwide smoke weed now and then. Weed isn't physically addictive anymore than coffee, but it can be a psychological crutch.
I don't think that pot is a guarantee that someone will become an addict of any other sort; it certainly did not affect me that way. Not that it is right, but millions of people in the US and worldwide smoke weed now and then. Weed isn't physically addictive anymore than coffee, but it can be a psychological crutch.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Edmonton AB
Posts: 285
Helene.. First of all, welcome!!!
Your truly hit home for me on your post. I have gone through all of that and then some. I am truly happy that you stepped out of the situation and recognized what was going on. "I" lived in denial for way too long.
Keep posting!
Your truly hit home for me on your post. I have gone through all of that and then some. I am truly happy that you stepped out of the situation and recognized what was going on. "I" lived in denial for way too long.
Keep posting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 11
That was my concern... I felt that it was a psychological crutch and I wanted to experience him without him being intoxicated. I believe he has some issues to deal with. It was like a mask he wore and I enjoyed the fullness of him when he wasn't high.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In a State of Grace
Posts: 100
Dear Helene,
Welcome to SR!
I am fairly new to this forum as well, but one thing I am beginning to notice is that the people that finally left their spouses/boyfriends/lovers/whatever because they were no longer able to live with the addict/gambler, etc. they met the right person for them.
Your boyfriend gave you some great advice!
Helene, you DO deserve more. Release him back to the universe. You were very honest in your post. You will not "overlook" certain things again. The right guy will come along.
Lithloren
Welcome to SR!
I am fairly new to this forum as well, but one thing I am beginning to notice is that the people that finally left their spouses/boyfriends/lovers/whatever because they were no longer able to live with the addict/gambler, etc. they met the right person for them.
Your boyfriend gave you some great advice!
Originally Posted by Helene1 
and that if I wanted more then I deserved more.
Lithloren
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i agree with the others, it does get worse, i know it hurts but you are taking care of you. i thought i was crazy too but no, you're not, and it is not your fault that the relationship is not working. praying for you and yours
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Welcome. Your BF sounds like my XABF. He always had something to smoke. I had no idea it was weed.. until he was moving out and found his GROW ROOM in the basement of my house. Huh? I could have lost every thing.
He also admitted to a past cocaine problem. Personally, and in retrospect, I believe he was still using coke on occaision (as the money was available). He also cheated on me. If I had known this I would have sent him packing a lot sooner than he actually did go.
Mine is a gifted liar (another thing I cannot tolerate and will not tolerate).
Anyway, mine is gone, my life is good and I am so worth so much more than what little that scum bag gave me (and did not give me). Life is good without him. He is struggling and his new GF is married and, I suspect, a druggie as well. Good riddance and she can have him from where I stand.
He also admitted to a past cocaine problem. Personally, and in retrospect, I believe he was still using coke on occaision (as the money was available). He also cheated on me. If I had known this I would have sent him packing a lot sooner than he actually did go.
Mine is a gifted liar (another thing I cannot tolerate and will not tolerate).
Anyway, mine is gone, my life is good and I am so worth so much more than what little that scum bag gave me (and did not give me). Life is good without him. He is struggling and his new GF is married and, I suspect, a druggie as well. Good riddance and she can have him from where I stand.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i am glad you r here & you are not crazy. you have admitted he is pwerless over this drug & you are powerless over him.he is not going to quit.the addict loves his drug better than he loves u or himself.you are the one who has to decide if that is what YOU want out of life. it will get worse with him, it always does,some take longer than other. there is alot of people here that are going thru the same things as you.stick around & read around.saying a prayer for u both.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
I am currently in a similar situation as you are- coming to realize that my abf will do whatever is possible to make ME think I am the lunatic and he is the sane one.
They are addicts.
This is what they do- taking the focus off them and illuminating our wrongs and trying to make us think we're the ones who are irrational- are the tools they use to keep us where they want us.
They are addicts.
This is what they do- taking the focus off them and illuminating our wrongs and trying to make us think we're the ones who are irrational- are the tools they use to keep us where they want us.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
I don't feel I adequately commented on this post.
I truly feel your pain as though it is my own.
I am glad that you are beginning to take an observers view of your addict instead of the often biased view of a loved one.
I am beginning to see that I am just as sick as the addict, except in other ways. For me it is taking more to be able to stand my ground and regain my self-respect.
I, too, would do anything to make it work. I kept thinking I can love him well. I STILL have some warped line of thought that I can coerce him into recovery.
I tell myself- When he sees what he is losing than he will straighten up.
I am learning this is not true and it's a difficult thing for me to accept. It is hard to give up things to the universe as opposed to directing the blame somewhere. Why I feel comfortable dishing out blame- whether it is to me (usually is) or to others- I seem to do it- I don't know, it makes me feel better.
Making a choice for yourself is insanely difficult- especially when you need to confront and move beyond all the "potential" you see in someone. Someone on this board once told me that an old therapist told them that potential is not a good enough excuse anymore- everyone in this world has potential to be many things, but it is WHO they are today that is the only thing that we can be assured of.
Been going on long enough- hope this helped in some way.
I use to and still do think to some degree that my unconditional belief in my addict was a good quality- I am now wondering if it is a stupid quality. I don't believe I deserve more for myself so I accept what I can get at any cost.
I truly feel your pain as though it is my own.
I am glad that you are beginning to take an observers view of your addict instead of the often biased view of a loved one.
I am beginning to see that I am just as sick as the addict, except in other ways. For me it is taking more to be able to stand my ground and regain my self-respect.
I, too, would do anything to make it work. I kept thinking I can love him well. I STILL have some warped line of thought that I can coerce him into recovery.
I tell myself- When he sees what he is losing than he will straighten up.
I am learning this is not true and it's a difficult thing for me to accept. It is hard to give up things to the universe as opposed to directing the blame somewhere. Why I feel comfortable dishing out blame- whether it is to me (usually is) or to others- I seem to do it- I don't know, it makes me feel better.
Making a choice for yourself is insanely difficult- especially when you need to confront and move beyond all the "potential" you see in someone. Someone on this board once told me that an old therapist told them that potential is not a good enough excuse anymore- everyone in this world has potential to be many things, but it is WHO they are today that is the only thing that we can be assured of.
Been going on long enough- hope this helped in some way.
I use to and still do think to some degree that my unconditional belief in my addict was a good quality- I am now wondering if it is a stupid quality. I don't believe I deserve more for myself so I accept what I can get at any cost.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Atlanta GA
Posts: 4
Please forgive yourself; you are not crazy.
To an addict, the world revolves round and round drugs; change is too scary.
You said he's been doing it for years; I suspect he won't know he's missing anything until everything is gone. It's the sad saga of addiction.
Take it easy on yourself; try helping him only if he asks you for it.
To an addict, the world revolves round and round drugs; change is too scary.
You said he's been doing it for years; I suspect he won't know he's missing anything until everything is gone. It's the sad saga of addiction.
Take it easy on yourself; try helping him only if he asks you for it.
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