loverof1

My AH came home today for lunch break and asked if I would be willing to go on a date with him. He wants to go to dinner just the two of us. Im scared to go because he came home last week and said he was home to stay, but then the shakes kicked in and he didnt love me anymore. He initiated a great big bear hug and told me that he misses me and our kids, but wants to start by just dating. My heart is hoping that he means well, but Im scared.

I am aware of alcholics and their ability to manipulate and that is a big concern, but I think I should go and see how things feel.

Should I go?

parentrecovers

do you want to go?

i've always found if i'm not sure, best not to do it. it's ok to give yourself time.

blessings, k

loverof1

I do want to go, but I know I have to be smart about it.

parentrecovers

hmmm...i can't tell you what is best. i'd just make sure you have no hidden agenda or expectations about the night. you may just be disappointed if you do..and i'd hate to see you go through that. blessings, k

minnie

Is he still drinking? In any kind of recovery?

denny57

Sometimes what I want and what I know is the right, best thing to do are two different things. Doing the right thing is not easy, but the payoff is worth it.

((()))

WhatAboutME

I was also going to ask if he's still drinking. And if not, how long has be been sober? Is he involved in any type of recovery program?

loverof1

As far as I know he is still drinking, but I have stood my ground on not allowing him to move home until he is in treatment. I made it clear that he has to be the one that wants to change. I have also made it clear that I do love him and I will be here for him when he is ready to make that change. We have 2 kids so it is unrealistic to think that we will have no contact at all during this time that he is sorting his life out. I do want to keep all options open so that he knows that I will be here for him when he is ready.

I dont see any harm in going to dinner with him and just talking. I am his wife and if he feels safe enough to talk with me then I want to be there. Thankfully he is truly a kind-hearted person underneath all of the pain he is in.

We too are in alot of pain so I have to be careful to keep my guard up and yet listen and be open to conversation at the same time. It may be what helps him get clean. Support and compassion is what Im going for.

parentrecovers

just don't let him drive you, if he is still drinking? be safe, lof1. and not too many expectations, ok? you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you cannot control it.

blessings, i hope it is a good night for you. k

prodigal

This is just my opinion, but based on my own personal experience, if my AH asked me to dinner and was still drinking and not seeking any substantial recovery (rehab, AA) I would decline the invitation. Just last week you said, "... then the shakes kicked in and he didn't love me anymore."

Even in early sobriety, an A is on an emotional rollercoaster. If you go to dinner with him and keep the discussion confined to the kids, the weather, and current events and don't wander into personal issues or feelings, it would probably go okay. However, what are you going to do if he orders a drink? The possibility is there for that to happen.

loverof1

Im working on detachment with love. I understand that I have no control over his drinking. Im going to keep it friendly and nothing more. I have already made that mistake and cannot do that again. The pain is far too great. I know he is having a difficult time. He looks terrible as if the weight of the world is on his shoulders, but that is something he has to deal with. I cant put my feelings out there because he has lost my trust. At this point I am trying to show compassion while maintaining distance until he does get help.

denny57

You ask "should I go?" It seems you've already made up your mind and want outside validation for the decision. Only you know what is best for you, your children and the relationship. My experience was that giving over control to the alcoholic, I gave up me. Even in this situation he is in control - his "just dating" rule.

Good luck with whatever you decide. ((()))

prodigal

I believe you want to work on detachment with love. But what you are doing is not exactly detachment. As Denny just said, he's calling the shots. "Let's date" for now. Hmmmm .... I'm a codie. I can understand where you're coming from. We start to feel sorry for them and our natural instinct is to "stand by our man." There is nothing wrong with that. But sometimes we have to stand by OURSELVES.

Whether you show him compassion, "date" him, let him know you care, whatever ... he will continue to drink until he, and he ALONE, decides he wants to stop. He's pushing the right buttons and it seems very sincere. Based on being around addicts my entire life, I've learned to be wary of what they say. Go to dinner, enjoy yourself, but please do not have any expectations - for now.

Nuudawn

Well..I'm a drunk and a codie.
At 5 months sober... I still change my emotional mind with the wind.
I sobered up when my exAbf and I split. Just about killed me that my love and care and connection wasn't enough to make him sober up too. Worry about his pain consumed my heart and mind. It is only been recently..after recent contact with him (he is still using and has now thrown sexual experimentation and addicition into his mix) that I surrender.

My care and concern (which in all honesty deviates with my own fear and issues) just doesn't get through to him. I can't help him. I cannot save him. I cannot love him enough to make him love himself. I know the pain he is in ...beleive me I know from my own side of the coin. Holding on only hurts me...yet I"ve done it over and over and over and over.....

Love is not enough when the one you love does not love himself. Your love simply cannot be recognized or acknowledge or felt in any genuine way.

FormerDoormat

Here's a question for you:

If you were unattached, would you go on a date with a drunkered? If the answer is NO, then why are you considering going on a date with your drunken husband? Either way, dating a drunkerd is settling for someone who's far less than you deserve.

So here's another question for you:

Don't you think you deserve more?

chero

You got some good advice here, Loverof1, and I don't really have anything to add except I kept coming back to your name. Lover-of-1....who is the one? HIM? YOU? Your HP?

loverof1

An update on our date. We went out and had a very nice dinner. He did not drink. I did not drink and we had a great time. He explained how he has been feeling and where he wants to go with treatment. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel....and I hope that it is coming in sight. It has only been a few days, but he has been home and has not had a drink in 3 days now. He is tired and weak, but maybe this will be the time.

denny57

Keep us posted, loverof1, and sending you lots of ((()))s.

Sunflower

see always listen to yourself--not others opinions--you were right!we are all so different and what is right for you may not be right for someone else and people who tell you things against your gut sometimes have a lot of baggage still and are confused or maybe jealous--it could work out for you--only god knows

loverof1

Well it has only been a few days, but so far so good. Hubby has been very well behaved. Nothing to drink since last Wednesday (almost a week). He says he feels great. He does not like the idea of AA, but not everyone does. Maybe he has just decided to straighten up. He said that he was very unhappy and just could not live like that anymore. He seems to have done a complete 180 in every way. Im hopeful that this will stick, but prepared for whatever.

Just wanted you all to know how things are going.