queenteree

Last night I drove out east to look at the parks they have there, I figured it would kill a couple of hours so hopefully AH would be passed out when I got home. He was, and he was sleeping in MY bed (he's tired of sleeping on the couch upstairs). Anyway, he leaves me a note "If you want the bed, wake me up". Did he really think I would actually wake him up (just to deal with him)????? I slept on the couch. Not a big deal. Anyway, this morning, I'm having my coffee and he comes over to me. I told him not to go out and buy a bed for upstairs, that if all goes as I planned I will be out in about two to three weeks and then he can have the bedroom. He asked what about the house, I told him I'd call real estate people and have them appraise it and list with the best one. I also told him that I will be getting a lawyer and I won't screw him, so if he wants to split the cost of one lawyer, we can, if not, he can pay for his own, no big deal. He said "so this is it? It's over" I told him yes, because for years I have begged and pleaded to him to stop drinking. I see it spiriling out of control and going downward fast, and I'm not wiling to be a part of it. I told him that I had no right to beg, plead and try to control his drinking, I understand he loves to drink, loves to get drunk and do it on a daily basis, and that as a person, that is his free will and choice and I should not try to take that away from him, but I could take myself away from that life and not have that in my life, and that is my free will and my choice. I said I have to do what's best for me and he has to do what's best for him. I told him that it's just sad to think that one day, when he finally wakes up, it may be too late for him to put the peices of his life back together and I wish him well. He said he knows he has to stop drinking and he can do it on his own. I said "no you can't, you need rehab and ongoing professional help. By you saying that you, who went thru rehab many years ago and worked the program, can do it on your own means you don't want to, you just want to smooth things over for a while, and it's not happening, not anymore." I told him to think about whether he wants to share a lawyer or not and let me know later. He gave me a kiss goodbye and left for work. Now he has a "good reason" to be drunk later!!!

CE Girl

I find it amazing how us codies always turn it around so we think WE'RE gving them reason to drink. I'm wondering if the light didn't turn green quick enough for them, if that could be a reason too?

Of course I'm teasing Queen. I read that statement and all I could think was omg, I've felt that SO many times. "Be careful, if you get angry, or do something for yourself, it will give him reason to drink". Just as you sound so strong and determined in your post, there still is that piece of us that makes us week and think WE are somehow to blame for anothers behaviour.

I think you said EXCATLY the right thing to him Queen and ADMIRE the way your program came through in your words. Your sticking to the fact, you can not control what he does. Only what you do.

Stay strong,,,

Peace

mallowcup

Wow, awesome! Don't you just love it when you say what you mean and mean what you say?

parentrecovers

i'd just quit discussing it with him, and do what you want/need to do. my experience - those conversations never go well for anyone?

hang in there, qt. you're making so much progress!

blessings, k

Rella927

(((QT)))) way to go sticking to what we say and meaning it feels great! As Mallow pointed out!

Great job!! Prayers to you and many hugs as you get over this bump, this to shall pass!

hopeangel

QT!!! now just don't play the conversation/debate game as it will drag you back in and keep you going in that circle.

minnie

Fabulous!! Really, just fabulous. I love it when I see such growth happening on the boards. It's one of the reasons I stopped by again for a little while.

I believe this is key. When I came to the realisation that it really was none of my business how someone else chose to live their life, I realised how arrogant I had been for years. Way before I ever met someone with a drink problem. In fact, I have some amends to make to previous boyfriends when the time is right.

Bookmark, or print, this thread, QT. It might be useful to refer back to if you have a little wobble in the future.

I am so proud of you and I am sure everyone else on SR are too.

denny57

I think you have much to be proud about, QT. Detaching with love is not easy, it's sad and it hurts like hell.

Hang in there.

duet_4-8

Sounds a whole lot like the conversation I had with my ex about 7 or 8 months ago. I hope that maybe things will turn out differently for you (if that is what YOU want). For me, he paid no attention at all; I'm sure because he had heard it all before.

It took me awhile to get everything to a place that I could actually follow through (mostly because I waited for the final liquidation of our business), but I am almost 11 weeks into my seperation from him.

Although it has not been easy or pleasant (he is one manipulative bast***!), I am not sorry, I know I did the right thing, and I am feeling better all the time. Everything he has done since we seperated has only served to reinforce to me that I don't need to be in a relationship with him anymore.

We have one minor child (2 adult ones) together, so I will have to deal with him for awhile but any love I had is so long gone that I can't even remember it.....but the thing that I am remembering is who I am and what I deserve, and what it feels like to have peace in my home.

I wish you all the best! Stay strong and know that you will make it no matter what he chooses to do!

prodigal

Queen, you did great!!! BRAVO!! Okay, you've had THE conversation. If he starts trying to suck you in to further conversations, which is generally what they do, you might want to make it crystal clear to him that you have said what needed to be said. End of sentence. End of paragraph.

You let him know where you stand and you did it with dignity and self-respect. Hang tough and don't let him attempt to wear you down or talk you into staying. I'm sure you know he may start playing on your emotions by crying, begging, making promises, getting angry ... who knows? Just be ready to expect the unexpected.