Obessessive love addiction..any hope?
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: williamsburg, va
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Obessessive love addiction..any hope?
First off i cross posted this in the other forum as well. i am just trying to i guess get support. i don't know if this goes in this forum, but i need help so bad and just want support and some sort of guidence. I am currently involved with a man that i have been involved with off and on for the last 4 years. I can say that i am obessessed with him and want out or help or anything at this point. I am lonely, sad, and depressed and above all sick of this. He told me today he is finally over me, nothing of which i have not heard before but this time i think he is serious. He has never told me he loves me in the 4 years and has always had other women. My adddiction plays in that i believe i love him and the sex is incredible. He has used me for sex for the 4 years and it hurts. But what hurts more is that i can't leave him alone, can not stop calling him, maybe for a few days but after about 5 days i am calling again. The neverending rejection from him hurts everytime and eveytime i come back for more. I feel pschyo, crazy, stupid, worthless and above all not worthy of his love and affection. I have held on to this whatever you call it of a relationship through everything he has handed me and now i just feel so defeated and sad. God the saddnesss is unbearable and the lonliness. Please someone give me some advice, help me by saying somthing , i just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to care anymore but no matter how much i try not to, i do. And now once again he tells me he does not love me and never will and there is no future for us, never was. It hurts so much!!! Then to make it worse, he knows i am seeing atharapist and he tells me i am obsessed and that i have a problem. But he won't help me, tells me its my problem not his and that he just wants to move on with his life. I can not stand the idea of him with another women...i just can't!! Please help!
Carolyn
Carolyn
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: williamsburg, va
Posts: 4
yes i am in therapy, just feel so overwelmed and crazy for not being able to let go. But i have so many other issues too, we haven't been able to resolve or address this yet. I just was hoping i could find some support and hear that i can move past this. Right now i feel like my world is upside down and i feel out of control and would do anything to fix things. But i know its over and i have to let go. But letting go is so hard and i try to control my urges to keep contacting him even though he hasasked me to not contact him. I still call, i still email, i still text, i still use messanger.....i just want to stop the compulsion to contact him.......
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
You can move past this when you realize and acceptthat to not do so is wasting something very precious.. YOUR OWN LIFE.
I have been where you are.. well, sort of, but if a man does not love you he will still have sex with you. For me that was hard to separate.
I suggest you start by reading Melody Beattie's book, "CoDependent No More" and try to find some CoDA meetings. Is your XBF an alcoholic or drug addict? If so, the Alanon/naranon program is similar and very very helpful.
The trick is to shift your focus off of him and on to you. I see by your sign on you mayh be a Horse person? If you train you know that a horse that is paying attention to something outside of what you are asking is unresponsive and unfocused.. it is why we train. Take that same principle and appy it to yourself.
Get the focus off of him and look at YOU. How can you do a better job taking care of you? Look in the mirror every day and look yourself in the eye and say, "I am beautiful. I am worthy. I love you!" to yourself. It sounds silly but it works.
What do you like to do that he did not like doing? Go and do that. Get out with other people. It really helps. After years of NOT going I started to go to church again. It helps. It is all a help.
You have choices. They are not easy choices but they are yours to choose.
You can sit still in a pool of tears and cries of how lonely you are and stay that way or you can take steps to find out what good company you can be to yourself. Someone told me that and I have never forgotten it.
No one can do this for you, but you can do it for yourself and find happiness as the result.
I have been where you are.. well, sort of, but if a man does not love you he will still have sex with you. For me that was hard to separate.
I suggest you start by reading Melody Beattie's book, "CoDependent No More" and try to find some CoDA meetings. Is your XBF an alcoholic or drug addict? If so, the Alanon/naranon program is similar and very very helpful.
The trick is to shift your focus off of him and on to you. I see by your sign on you mayh be a Horse person? If you train you know that a horse that is paying attention to something outside of what you are asking is unresponsive and unfocused.. it is why we train. Take that same principle and appy it to yourself.
Get the focus off of him and look at YOU. How can you do a better job taking care of you? Look in the mirror every day and look yourself in the eye and say, "I am beautiful. I am worthy. I love you!" to yourself. It sounds silly but it works.
What do you like to do that he did not like doing? Go and do that. Get out with other people. It really helps. After years of NOT going I started to go to church again. It helps. It is all a help.
You have choices. They are not easy choices but they are yours to choose.
You can sit still in a pool of tears and cries of how lonely you are and stay that way or you can take steps to find out what good company you can be to yourself. Someone told me that and I have never forgotten it.
No one can do this for you, but you can do it for yourself and find happiness as the result.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
you can be addicted to anything.you have got to move on.he is not good for you.try the counciling & find a hobby that you like.get out,make new friends.plan a vacation or invite some one out of town to spend some time with. i wish you luck. this to shall pass.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
I completely agree with Elana- Codependent No More will really hit home for you. I took alot of time going through the book- highlighting things and than going back to passages that REALLY helped.
I, too, suffer from being obsessive. I know this because it is part of my illness.
It makes me feel like I am not worthy of anything without a man in my life- at this moment- THIS particular man. I feel like nothing in my life has value or is important w/o me.
This is part of our illness.
Despite how crappy they treat us we still stay and let them. This pushes us farther and farther into our low self-esteem and codependency- we will do anything for their morsels of attention and affection.
You deserve more.
You just need to accept that your illogical thinking is something you CAN get a handle on and cure.
Sounds like you are a huge control freak like me. I try to do things to get the attention and affection i want- horrible things- very unhealthy things- from an addicted person? Just insanity.
I KNOW EXACTLY what you are going through. I am trying to come back from the brink of crazy-land myself. Feel free to PM me.
The obsession and craziness you speak of - makes me recall how acutely I use to react to even the slightest indication of my bf using drugs or not wanting to continue the relationship with me- thinking it all reflected on what was lacking with ME. The chapter in Codependent NO More on Reacting - chapter is titled something like 'Don't be blown about by every wind' helped me tremendously. It allowed me to believe that I didn't have to take everything so personally and that I was in control of how I reacted and that reacting to another person's behavior in a way that deeply hurts me is not helping me. I can't control what they do, but I can control how I react.
I, too, suffer from being obsessive. I know this because it is part of my illness.
It makes me feel like I am not worthy of anything without a man in my life- at this moment- THIS particular man. I feel like nothing in my life has value or is important w/o me.
This is part of our illness.
Despite how crappy they treat us we still stay and let them. This pushes us farther and farther into our low self-esteem and codependency- we will do anything for their morsels of attention and affection.
You deserve more.
You just need to accept that your illogical thinking is something you CAN get a handle on and cure.
Sounds like you are a huge control freak like me. I try to do things to get the attention and affection i want- horrible things- very unhealthy things- from an addicted person? Just insanity.
I KNOW EXACTLY what you are going through. I am trying to come back from the brink of crazy-land myself. Feel free to PM me.
The obsession and craziness you speak of - makes me recall how acutely I use to react to even the slightest indication of my bf using drugs or not wanting to continue the relationship with me- thinking it all reflected on what was lacking with ME. The chapter in Codependent NO More on Reacting - chapter is titled something like 'Don't be blown about by every wind' helped me tremendously. It allowed me to believe that I didn't have to take everything so personally and that I was in control of how I reacted and that reacting to another person's behavior in a way that deeply hurts me is not helping me. I can't control what they do, but I can control how I react.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
sorry that you are hurting, sound like you've been down this same road before, i know i have. its time for you to think about you. do you know that you would be the prize to be won and not the ADDICT that you are involved with? he is doing what you allow him to do. i know it seems like the end of the world, but i believe thats maybe why he treats you the way that he does, because he knows by past experience that you'll still be there whenever he needs you to be. don't mean to be harsh at all. i've been doing what you are doing for the past 21 yrs off and on, and it just don't get any better.
its almost like they'll give you just enough to keep you hangin on. do what you can to get yourself to a better place, it hurts i know, but probably as soon as you began to feel better, he'll try to make his way back into your life somehow, then the choice will be yours, but as long as your doing what your doing by calling, texting and messaging, he knows that you are there for him and he won't feel the need to treat you any other way, until he needs you for something else.
focus on you, i heard something the other day, someone said, the best way to get revenge is to get better, move on and be happy. keeping you and yours in my prayers
its almost like they'll give you just enough to keep you hangin on. do what you can to get yourself to a better place, it hurts i know, but probably as soon as you began to feel better, he'll try to make his way back into your life somehow, then the choice will be yours, but as long as your doing what your doing by calling, texting and messaging, he knows that you are there for him and he won't feel the need to treat you any other way, until he needs you for something else.
focus on you, i heard something the other day, someone said, the best way to get revenge is to get better, move on and be happy. keeping you and yours in my prayers
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: williamsburg, va
Posts: 4
thank you for the replies...
and yes this has been a long repeative cycle that i so badly want to break. Everyone says i need to think about me..i think that is the main problem. For as long as i can remember i have always wanted to help others, always forgetting about myself. I don't even know how to like myself anymore. I guess thats a major problem. I look in the mirror and hate who i have become and what i see. I don't think i am atttractive even though people tell me this. I just don't beleive it myself. I know that until i can find happiness within myself i will never find what it is seek so badly to find. Like HK i feel the same. I try to control my urges to not communicate as he wishes but i still find that i think about him, text him and etc. I guess i feel like i can't move past this because i have tried before. I went almost 6 months with no contact from him but everyday was still yearning and wishing. and then the day came whne he needed me again and came back. And i was weak and went back giving him what he wanted, attention. Well now i am once again trying to move on. And codependent is so a part of my life. I too feel like i can not live without a man. And i always need people around to satisfy my need of not being alone. and yes i will do ANYTHING to not lose who ever i have around me. but guess what, i have no one now. No frinds, no family really and no man...codepenant sucks! But this time i am going to try to not find another crutch like i always do and try to fix me. It hurts and wow does thearpy always make me feel worse after it. Its like you can no longer live in the world of denial and the truth hurts. Thanks again and i hope i can stay strong.. and love myself one day.....
and yes this has been a long repeative cycle that i so badly want to break. Everyone says i need to think about me..i think that is the main problem. For as long as i can remember i have always wanted to help others, always forgetting about myself. I don't even know how to like myself anymore. I guess thats a major problem. I look in the mirror and hate who i have become and what i see. I don't think i am atttractive even though people tell me this. I just don't beleive it myself. I know that until i can find happiness within myself i will never find what it is seek so badly to find. Like HK i feel the same. I try to control my urges to not communicate as he wishes but i still find that i think about him, text him and etc. I guess i feel like i can't move past this because i have tried before. I went almost 6 months with no contact from him but everyday was still yearning and wishing. and then the day came whne he needed me again and came back. And i was weak and went back giving him what he wanted, attention. Well now i am once again trying to move on. And codependent is so a part of my life. I too feel like i can not live without a man. And i always need people around to satisfy my need of not being alone. and yes i will do ANYTHING to not lose who ever i have around me. but guess what, i have no one now. No frinds, no family really and no man...codepenant sucks! But this time i am going to try to not find another crutch like i always do and try to fix me. It hurts and wow does thearpy always make me feel worse after it. Its like you can no longer live in the world of denial and the truth hurts. Thanks again and i hope i can stay strong.. and love myself one day.....
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I was there... 5 years with an emotionally abusive, selfish alcoholic man (tho I didn't recognize the alcoholism at the time).
For me, it was just getting a step beyond where you sound like you are today. Finally loving ME enough to set a standard and a boundary for me.
Deciding, conciously, what I want in life... this takes a while!
I thought I wanted kindness and love... but I think I also figured out, I wanted protection, security, adoration, and a little servility.... eek!
Today, I know I want a partner who respects me and whom *I* can respect. Getting to the point of wanting to respect HIM was a biggie, for me.
I have written out scenarios of my idea of how partners act in situations (when I wreck the car, when I overdraw the account, when he is late from work, when the roof needs repairs, when our child is throwing temper tantrums...). It was enlightening to realize that I was far more clear about HIS part in stuff, than mine.
When I looked at both parts... I was shocked, my idea of a relationship almost mirrored that of my alcoholic parents.... which I said I would NEVER do!
Hmmmm....
Lots of prayer and introspection... and TONS of meetings, and a wonderful 12-step Traditions Study Group have made an incredible difference in my relationships.
Of course - those with whom I am IN relationships with did not go to these meetings and the study group... so the only thing that REALLY changed... was me.
This can be quite a trip.... if you are ready. I hear your pain:
... and urge you to consider the advice to read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie and to attend at least 6 Alanon, Naranon or CODA meetings.
Doing some of these things can make your life better, and I hear you ... you really want a better life. I pray you can find that soon.
((hugs))
For me, it was just getting a step beyond where you sound like you are today. Finally loving ME enough to set a standard and a boundary for me.
Deciding, conciously, what I want in life... this takes a while!
I thought I wanted kindness and love... but I think I also figured out, I wanted protection, security, adoration, and a little servility.... eek!
Today, I know I want a partner who respects me and whom *I* can respect. Getting to the point of wanting to respect HIM was a biggie, for me.
I have written out scenarios of my idea of how partners act in situations (when I wreck the car, when I overdraw the account, when he is late from work, when the roof needs repairs, when our child is throwing temper tantrums...). It was enlightening to realize that I was far more clear about HIS part in stuff, than mine.
When I looked at both parts... I was shocked, my idea of a relationship almost mirrored that of my alcoholic parents.... which I said I would NEVER do!
Hmmmm....
Lots of prayer and introspection... and TONS of meetings, and a wonderful 12-step Traditions Study Group have made an incredible difference in my relationships.
Of course - those with whom I am IN relationships with did not go to these meetings and the study group... so the only thing that REALLY changed... was me.
This can be quite a trip.... if you are ready. I hear your pain:
He has never told me he loves me in the 4 years and has always had other women.
Doing some of these things can make your life better, and I hear you ... you really want a better life. I pray you can find that soon.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Just to add - I agree with anvil- you should have a plan in place for when the obsessive thoughts kick in. The thoughts begin- then you engage in behaviors that ultimately make you dislike yourself more and feel more distressed.
Once you notice the cycle you can break it. This is what has helped me tremendously. Alot of times I fail- I do not think clearly.
I get so sucked back in to the automatic, hardwired reactions that I can't stop myself from calling, from crying, from begging and pleading him to please get clean...
What I hear from you is that you can't stand to be in your own presence- you have alot to learn about yourself.
Just taking this step is a big deal- be proud of that.
I've learned here that awareness is the first step in initiating change.
Take a deep breath and believe that it can get better!
Once you notice the cycle you can break it. This is what has helped me tremendously. Alot of times I fail- I do not think clearly.
I get so sucked back in to the automatic, hardwired reactions that I can't stop myself from calling, from crying, from begging and pleading him to please get clean...
What I hear from you is that you can't stand to be in your own presence- you have alot to learn about yourself.
Just taking this step is a big deal- be proud of that.
I've learned here that awareness is the first step in initiating change.
Take a deep breath and believe that it can get better!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In a State of Grace
Posts: 100
Dear Carolyn,
When I first got sober I was in so much pain I looked at all my layers. A really good book that I read that helped me sort out my addictions was a book by Anne Wilson Schaef called "Escape from Intimacy:Untangling the "Love'' Addictions: Sex, Romance, Relationships." There is a difference between being a Sex Addict, a Romance Addict, or a Relationship Addict. It is still available through Amazon.com.
In addition to attending meetings another thing that helps me with my emotions is tapping. You can go to www.emofree.com and download the EFT manuel for free.
You could start out with "Even though the sex is incredible with ________ I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
"Even though the sadness is unbearable I deeply and completely love and accept myself." Etc, your whole post is full of set-up phrases.
If you have trouble with the part "I deeply and completely love and accept myself", you can start with "Even though I don't deeply and completely love and accept myself I deeply and completely love and accept myself."
Glad you are here and please keep coming back,
Lithloren
Originally Posted by horseladi78 
My adddiction plays in that i believe i love him and the sex is incredible.
In addition to attending meetings another thing that helps me with my emotions is tapping. You can go to www.emofree.com and download the EFT manuel for free.
You could start out with "Even though the sex is incredible with ________ I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
"Even though the sadness is unbearable I deeply and completely love and accept myself." Etc, your whole post is full of set-up phrases.
If you have trouble with the part "I deeply and completely love and accept myself", you can start with "Even though I don't deeply and completely love and accept myself I deeply and completely love and accept myself."
Glad you are here and please keep coming back,
Lithloren
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