denny

AH just left the house, and absolutely BEGGED me to just let him sleep in the garage.says he can't live without me and the kids (i asked hime to leave just 4 days ago).....I have NEVER seen a grown man cry that hard.Sticking to my boundry had felt soooo good until now, now i just feel like crap.I have to admit that feels like the cruelest thing i have EVER done. (yes, i know my "rational mind" says what about the times i begged him not to drink, what about the times he didn't come home..etc.)
I know all the right things from Alanon,counseling etc. but doing them is a whole different story.
Guys,I am feeling like a big huge mean dog turd..............
is letting him stay in the garage really that bad?? (don;t answer,i know the answer myself) what if he kills himself which is my worst fear (due to the overwhelming irrational guilt i feel)yes, co-dependant,

UGHHHH!!!!!!!!!! i am NEVER sure of my decisions!!!!

havehopetoday

Denny, let go. Let him go. I have soooo been there, done that, have the tshirt.

If you fold now, he will never have a chance at getting better. Nor will you. Stand your ground. If you really believe he's going to kill himself call 911. They will take him away and get him medical attention.

u have done the right thing. your kids come first.

denny57

Here's what I started doing: made a decision; stuck to it for a minimum of a week, no matter how guilty I felt. EVERY SINGLE TIME by the end of the week I knew I had made the right decision.

I can control what I do; if not, I have no right trying to control another; nor to ask another to control himself.

((()))

TexasGirl

Great advice! I'm adding that to my repertoire.

duet_4-8

denny,
I have been through this exact thing just recently. Don't give in. Not only for yourself, but for him. He will not see a need for change if you buckle. My ex wanted to sleep in a camper in the backyard and 'just come in to take a shower every day'. Yeah right.

IMHO, if you let him sleep in the garage tonight, then he will sleep on the couch tomorrow night, and by the weekend it will be business as usual and you will be kicking yourself for not holding your boundaries. Been there, done that. It sucks.

Be strong, for all of you. Hugs and prayers.

dollydo

Stay strong, stay focused...he will be fine, he will find another place to land..

WantsOut

It's part of it - mine did the same thing. He is drowning is a sea of alcohol. Up until now he used you as a float. You are gone and he thinks he is going to die, but all he needs to do is swim ashore. That part is up to him.

Love

cagefree

Denny - I've seen grown men cry and sometimes it's been touching - like when my dad was proud of me.

When my XABF begged and pleaded with tears streaming and promises flying everywhere because of the mess he created...it was simply pathetic.

Don't believe it...my ex did the same thing. When I threw him out I got 3 marriage proposals in about a week's time along with 50 we-belong-together speeches that would've made an oscar winner bow in awe.

How quickly that all changed.

Rella927

Yup DITTO! My Dad cried 3 nights before he passed away while he watching The Lion King! That was touching-

But the XAB cried and promised and begged and cried and quacked it was so utterly nauseating I thought I was going to get sick! It was about the 5th time! (I know I know but i had to figure it out in my own time and thank god I did) I had to listen to this that about his X wife....how he missed his kid ......he ruined my Christmas of course because I picked up the phone and allowed it!! ( I did not know any better at the time) I went to my familys down south and left him home to deal with his crying and drinking alone!

Feeling like a "dog turd" is ok for a brief moment but think of what everyone has said here! Everyone has great advice here-and believe me I thank SR for things I just could not see myself-Al-Anon helps but I feel everyone's experiences because they are so different but so alike really help to know that we are not alone and it is not the "codie crazies" kicking in!

You are doing the right thing! Stick to your boundaries as hard as it maybe it will be worth it in the end however it all turns out-it is for the best, it is for YOU!

cautious

Denny, I had the exact same experience last weekend. I felt like dog turd all night, too. But the next morning. . . all better. And so glad I didn't cave. Good luck.

queenteree

Denny,
Like all the others said, please stick to your boundaries. You have to do it for you and to let him get to where he needs to be. Good luck.

Astro

Perfectly stated. It took me six months to learn how to swim after my ex had enough of me. Once I reached the shore in sobriety I realized how pathetic my act was.

Protect yourself, stay safe, he'll be fine.

denny57

I've been trying to relate this to the end of my marriage, and I could not. Then I realized - this type of drama had happened earlier in the relationship, the 2 times I tried to end it. I took him back. Oh, about 10 years later, I'm finally out. Maybe my ending is more cautionary than relative.

Take care of YOU, you will not regret it!

elizabeth1979

I went through this when I left my ex. I He cried and I felt horrible...but I was being codependent..feeling horrible bc I though HE felt horrible.
Ask yourself this..if he was excited or wasnt crying..how would you feel about his leaving?

denny

tHANK you guys for your posts. Boy, did it help!
still sticking to my guns. it's a roller coaster of a ride! one minute he seems agreeable,the next he seems almost irritated with ME for still not letting him back in the house.(it's been a week after all.....haha) AH does have a appointment with a counselor tomorrow that specializes in alcohol abuse.hopefully he is getting started. he has been abstinent for 7 days today (believe me i know that doesnt mean much)


Elizabeth I LOVE this:
"Ask yourself this..if he was excited or wasnt crying..how would you feel about his leaving?"
BOY, thats GOOD!!!!!!!!!

Love ya'll!

StandingStrong

denny, I went through some major guilt. It actually took me a couple years (and a whole lot of pain and emotional turmoil) before I really came to realize that I was allowing guilt to destroy me. And I also finally realized that the majority of the guilt I was carrying wasn't even mine to carry!
I can only hope that you will realize that often times, the guilt we allow to destroy us, hinder us and hurt us - isn't ours to carry.
Rationally, you know the truth. Keep a hold of that truth. The A's in our lives have become masters at manipulating us. And though the tears are great at pulling at our heartstrings - please remember that your tears through the years didn't manipulate him - because he didn't allow them too.
You stay focused on you. He got himself in this situation - allow him the chance to get himself out.

Sunflower

yes take care of you--do something special to treat yourself for being so good and so strong--go dancing!!!it works for some--Only think about you-nothing else matters

chero

Good job, Denny!

You were inspiring!

Sunflower

isn't she? I could never be that strong

kermit

Denny I went through the same thing, Only I caved... Guess what happened when I said he could come home? He came home DRUNK!