i think i have hit my bottom - now what?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
i think i have hit my bottom - now what?
or pretty darn close to it. you might have been about to tell with some of my other posts. my nephew was here for the weekend and i couldn't even have him over at my house because ah drank all weekend- except friday (when he said he was just playing the game and went putt putt golfing with us) when he acted very bad towards my little 4 year old nephew and my mom. i realized i could not have kids in my house (something i want badly). i just really don't see the point anymore.
ah was jealous all weekend because i spent it with my nephew over at my mom's house- i did this because he choose to drink all weekend. he knows that. he acted like a complete baby about it. told me "my place was at home".
out of the mouth of babes - my little 4 year old nephew says ah "is never happy" and he was handing out stones to us and didn't give one to ah because he said "he only gives them to people he likes" wow, who would guess that he could be that perceptive at such a young age. this just cuts me to a core. the last thing i want is my ah making my nephew feel bad
i've come to a lot of realizations in the last week. i realized that i made some very bad decisions in my life that have lead me to this point. i realized that what i have for ah is probably not real love. i have realized that pretty much all the good that he does do is merely as he said "playing the game" so that he can justify his drinking and hold all of it over my head. i have realized that with him nothing really truely is about or for me.
ah can't understand why i am not just getting over this one. all i hear anymore is "quack quack quack" and it is amazing how clear everything is to me now. i just really don't want anything to do with him right now. he is very upset that i don't want to be intimate with him and that i am not close to him. i told him i don't want to ride the rollarcoaster anymore. gee, i wonder why? i don't want to do this game with him anymore. it is not getting ME anywhere.
so, right now, i am just kinda at a loss at what to do with all these new realizations and feelings. if i could go back and correct the mistakes i have made, i would. i'm afraid a lot of them are irreversable now though
i'm just going to continue "cleaning house" for now i guess. nothing changes if nothing changes!!!
ah was jealous all weekend because i spent it with my nephew over at my mom's house- i did this because he choose to drink all weekend. he knows that. he acted like a complete baby about it. told me "my place was at home".
out of the mouth of babes - my little 4 year old nephew says ah "is never happy" and he was handing out stones to us and didn't give one to ah because he said "he only gives them to people he likes" wow, who would guess that he could be that perceptive at such a young age. this just cuts me to a core. the last thing i want is my ah making my nephew feel bad
i've come to a lot of realizations in the last week. i realized that i made some very bad decisions in my life that have lead me to this point. i realized that what i have for ah is probably not real love. i have realized that pretty much all the good that he does do is merely as he said "playing the game" so that he can justify his drinking and hold all of it over my head. i have realized that with him nothing really truely is about or for me.
ah can't understand why i am not just getting over this one. all i hear anymore is "quack quack quack" and it is amazing how clear everything is to me now. i just really don't want anything to do with him right now. he is very upset that i don't want to be intimate with him and that i am not close to him. i told him i don't want to ride the rollarcoaster anymore. gee, i wonder why? i don't want to do this game with him anymore. it is not getting ME anywhere.
so, right now, i am just kinda at a loss at what to do with all these new realizations and feelings. if i could go back and correct the mistakes i have made, i would. i'm afraid a lot of them are irreversable now though
i'm just going to continue "cleaning house" for now i guess. nothing changes if nothing changes!!!
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
if i could go back and correct the mistakes i have made, i would. i'm afraid a lot of them are irreversable now though
My A was very good at pointing the finger at me. It was my fault he drank. If I would stop being such a bitch and focusing on his disease, he wouldn't have to drink. Even today, as I walk away and leave he says the reason he has been drinking so much lately, is because I left him. He calls me a liar because I told him I never would. I think to myself, did I make a mistake telling him that? DUH!! OF course not, in my own codependancy I felt I never would. I am getting better, he is not. Its as simple as that. But getting past the guilt over the "mistakes" I made is far more difficult. I became numb. Couldn't feel, think or move. Stuck. Until I realized it wasn't my fault.
Loving yourself is harder than loving someone else sometimes.
Peace
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Hopeangel,
I have no words of wisdom for you as I have just this week (after my weekend) came to some of the same realizations as you have, but I will hope and pray that you remain strong and it works out for you.
QT
I have no words of wisdom for you as I have just this week (after my weekend) came to some of the same realizations as you have, but I will hope and pray that you remain strong and it works out for you.
QT
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
(((hopeangel)))
I can't undo my past, but I can start today to live the life I want and be the person I want to be. Today I am working on letting go of what I cannot change - the past. Learning to truly forgive myself first has been very difficult. But it's worth it.
Take care - I believe you've made a huge step towards a better life for yourself.
I can't undo my past, but I can start today to live the life I want and be the person I want to be. Today I am working on letting go of what I cannot change - the past. Learning to truly forgive myself first has been very difficult. But it's worth it.
Take care - I believe you've made a huge step towards a better life for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: canada
Posts: 42
"if i could go back and correct the mistakes i have made, i would"
you didn't make any mistakes...you love someone who isn't capable of loving back.Because he can't love himself. Don't blame you for that.
you didn't make any mistakes...you love someone who isn't capable of loving back.Because he can't love himself. Don't blame you for that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
well
ah just doesn't understand why i am not just letting it go this time. he is upset because i do not want to be intimate with him. i feel bad denying him this, but i just don't have those feelings right now. i tried to explain that i needed to sort through some things right now and that nothing is going to change unless i change it-that i don't want to keep doing the same things cause it gets me nowhere and really there is no reason to change anything for him if everything is "comfortable" right and he gets the impression that everything is okay then right? - far from it.
of course i got everything from guilt, threats, manipulation, apologizes. he said he is doing everything he can and i don't want to work on it. i don't want to even try. to which my reply is are you going to treatment then? of course his reply is no. then your not doing everything right?
we're supposed to go out with friends this weekend and out to dinner with his mom (who i really don't like) mothers day. i really don't feel like putting on the fake act. the tickets to a comedy show are already paid for tomorrow and if i don't go which MIL on sunday i will be the b@@@@.
i did not give in last night by the way thanks to you all's strength and wisdom. i know it will get worse before it gets better. stay the course stay focused!!! it is going to be harder than i thought i think. i know what i must do though.
of course i got everything from guilt, threats, manipulation, apologizes. he said he is doing everything he can and i don't want to work on it. i don't want to even try. to which my reply is are you going to treatment then? of course his reply is no. then your not doing everything right?
we're supposed to go out with friends this weekend and out to dinner with his mom (who i really don't like) mothers day. i really don't feel like putting on the fake act. the tickets to a comedy show are already paid for tomorrow and if i don't go which MIL on sunday i will be the b@@@@.
i did not give in last night by the way thanks to you all's strength and wisdom. i know it will get worse before it gets better. stay the course stay focused!!! it is going to be harder than i thought i think. i know what i must do though.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Oh, hon. I remember all to well being in the place where you are right now.
A year from now, will it matter that you didn't join him and HIS mother for mother's day?
Guilts, threat, manipulation and apologies are just a bunch of hot air. But, like I have said to other posters tonight, you don't really have any right to tell him how to live his life. But you do have a responsibility to YOU to live your life that is true to your heart. And I mean, deep down in your heart, not what your patterning and learned behaviour tell you.
Keep the faith, hon!
A year from now, will it matter that you didn't join him and HIS mother for mother's day?
Guilts, threat, manipulation and apologies are just a bunch of hot air. But, like I have said to other posters tonight, you don't really have any right to tell him how to live his life. But you do have a responsibility to YOU to live your life that is true to your heart. And I mean, deep down in your heart, not what your patterning and learned behaviour tell you.
Keep the faith, hon!
Hope3
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 2,155
Dear hopeangel, I have read through your previous posts, to
be in a better frame of mind to answer your post...
NO< NO< NO, you are not responsible for, or a reason
for your partners dumb- as...thoughts and actions,,,,,,he had a plan, he went into
treatment, and what happened? He needs to get back on the pony and do his part for himself and for your relationship........
You are one of those angels out there that needs to to be reminded to give yourself
a little love and hope, and nows one of those times IMHO, boundaries,,,,what happen to his goals, for not drinking, other diagnoses don't obliterate them only intensify them....
bless you for your heart, but what happen to the agreements of him getting treatment and recovery to his alcoholism?
Your friend in recovery, hope3
be in a better frame of mind to answer your post...
NO< NO< NO, you are not responsible for, or a reason
for your partners dumb- as...thoughts and actions,,,,,,he had a plan, he went into
treatment, and what happened? He needs to get back on the pony and do his part for himself and for your relationship........
You are one of those angels out there that needs to to be reminded to give yourself
a little love and hope, and nows one of those times IMHO, boundaries,,,,what happen to his goals, for not drinking, other diagnoses don't obliterate them only intensify them....
bless you for your heart, but what happen to the agreements of him getting treatment and recovery to his alcoholism?
Your friend in recovery, hope3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
thank you
i so needed these words tonight.
minnie, thank you so much for helping me to let go this weekend and be true to myself.
hope3 -your words are the sweetest and thank you for helping me to think back to my previous posts- it is so easy just forget things. thank you for reminding me that ah has not met his end of the bargain and should be held responsible for that.
i agree this must be the time for major boundaries.
i am very happy a friend of mine called and asked me to go out tonight, so i didn't have to deal with ah. i had a great night
stay the course....stay the course...
minnie, thank you so much for helping me to let go this weekend and be true to myself.
hope3 -your words are the sweetest and thank you for helping me to think back to my previous posts- it is so easy just forget things. thank you for reminding me that ah has not met his end of the bargain and should be held responsible for that.
i agree this must be the time for major boundaries.
i am very happy a friend of mine called and asked me to go out tonight, so i didn't have to deal with ah. i had a great night
stay the course....stay the course...
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