HKAngel24

Before I begin -- I sat down at the comp and was getting ready to righ this when that ridiculous negative voice piped up: "You don't deserve to sit there are write a thread about being HOPEFUL for yourself."

This is what I'm hoping to change.

Went to my Al-Anon meeting tonight and am so glad I did. To hear others confess about how other's addictions, others period fueled their lives, were the focus of their lives, were their obsessions is so incredibly comforting. To hear others who have lost their sense of self worth, who also believe themselves to be internally defective. To hear them share about where they were- to how far they've come is TRULY inspiring.

I came home tonight and talked to abf (he's clearly not in recovery.) Last night I told him that I couldn't do this anymore. Then today I broke down like a whimpering puppy and reneged on it.
(Still trying to stop beating myself up for that one...)

The past few days- our interactions have been EXTREMELY heated. I have engaged in some of the WORST codependent behavior ever. I have began to see the extent of MY ILLNESS.

His complete disregard and disrespect for me is evident. His moods are off the charts, his stories going round and round and I know this man when he is good and sober. My GUT tells me something is up and that he's back to using. Of course I distrust myself because that is just what we codies do...

When I came back from my meeting I just got so so angry.

I'M suppose to the one grounded in reality- the sane one- yet HE is deflecting everything making me FEEL like the lunatic.
But here's what I'm realizing -- I can't allow him that power. I can't allow him to make me feel that way.
I can't let his addict ways brainwash me.

I have to believe I deserve more.
I have to choose not to put up with certain behavior and stand my ground and not be beaten down by his cruel words, insults or verbal bait he uses to engage me in a psychotic reaction, trying to pull my strings. I cannot let him dance me around anymore. I can't keep my blinders on. And yes to some degree it feels so incredibly wrong and I feel so guilty for believing I deserve more- but I have to see this is my illness and I fight it.

I MUST remain grounded in my truth and stay strong.
Even though I don't FEEL it most of the time- I must believe I deserve more- WE ALL MUST BELIEVE WE DESERVE MORE.

Thanks for letting me share.

GiveLove

Aw, Heather, you got me all teary-eyed. In a good way.

You deserve it all, sweetie. You deserve happiness on YOUR terms. You deserve a support group to help keep you sane. You deserve friends who will stand by your side and lovers who will not verbally torment you. You're not the lunatic....but you'll hear lots of stories from people here who tell the same tale, of how their addict tried to convince them THEY were the crazy one. Do you see that at work in your relationship now?

You are one good person -- it comes through loud and clear in what you write, and how supportive you are of others here.

You deserve this recovery.

Have a great, drama-free, healing evening.
Make it that way no matter what you have to do.

Hugs,
GiveLove

mooselips

Heather,
Just keep telling yourself you are worth SO much more than this.
Because you are.

Hugs,

Marjatta

Hi HKAngel24,

Excellent post!

It sounds as if your meeting tonight really reinforced some good stuff and some very simple truths.

I like what you said about not yet truly "feeling" it, while still believing it. I think the feeling part will come in time.

Remember that old expression, "he got what he deserved?" I've come to the realization that most of us actually get what we "think" we deserve. It's truly up to us to determine that. That is the one thing we can always control about ourselves.

Thank you for sharing such wonderful insights.

Marjatta

Sunflower

Hang in there!

rozied

Dear Heather, I have been following your posts & my heart just breaks for how you r letting this addict hurt you like this. I married my 1st husband when I was 18. My parents didn't like him & begged me to just wait but I thought I knew everything. The first few yrs I must have left him 10 times but always took him bk. He was a compulsive gambler. I used to think if I was nicer, prettier, kinder etc etc he would be the kind of husband I wanted. I spent a few yrs sitting in Gam-Anon & learned about addiction yet I still loved him. I divorced him & then remarried him. Finally he left town cuz of getting in trouble with the law. The physical space & starting college after he left helped me to see it wasn't me. My self esteem got healthy with alot of work on my part. I went to counseling & a psychiatrist to understand why I obviously thought this was all I deserved out of life. After 10 yrs on my own I met & married my present husband. We will be married 22 yrs this Nov & I have never been happier ( except for my AS & thats another post )
My ex called me after almost 30 yrs. He went from gambling to drugs & finally at age 57 got clean. He told me how he still loved me & that I was a good woman & he was so sorry about what he did to me & our 2 sons,
Heather it is not you, living with an addict makes your self esteem go into the toilet. After leaving him I lost so much weight I was almost anorexic always thinking I wasn't good enough.
Keep coming here & keep going to face to face mtgs.
You deserve a normal life but you won't find it with an addict
Work on your own recovery & put some physical space btw you & your loved one. I know that was the only thing that wked for me. When I was living with him I was too caught up in it to see clearly.....................u will do whatever it takes when u r ready. I don't mean to try & tell u what to do. I said all of the above cuz it makes me so sad to see u blaming yourself.
Love,
Diane

Ann

Healther, I am so glad you posted this, because I think our serious recovery all begins with a glimmer of hope, hope that our lives CAN become better and we CAN become happy again...regardless of how our addicts are doing.

I needed to feel that before I could change. I needed to see the necessity of change before I could begin. Meetings and that glimmer of hope was all I needed to set me on my way.

It won't always come easy to you, it didn't for me. New behaviours and new thinking require ongoing adjustment before they become instinctive for us. One day at a time, one step at a time, we just grow a little and learn.

Hugs

outonalimb

Love the scarlett o'hara-like determination in your post!!

Don't you wish you could just bottle up the strength and determination for use during the inevitable rough patches that lie ahead? Keep going Heather.. You have such wonderful insight into whats going on...you're going to make it...I can 'hear' it in your post. Fake it during the tough moments if you have to...fake it until you make it...and you, my dear, are definitely going to 'make it'.

Stay strong...

cinderellawkids

You are on your way and ytour recovery shows. Sometimes we only take baby steps. FOr me my craziness in dealing with his actions and the words that came out of hi s mouth did drive me insane. I had this psychotic moment where I started hitting myself in the head just so I wouldnt hear his words. It scared me to death I called my doctor and counselor. But you know what it really wasnt me, the only part that was me is I felt so low I let his words get to me. I changed that day and thats a place Ill never allow myself to go abck too. NOw when I hear his words they are just words I dont take them in and I know longer feel the need to defend my feelings. Addiction affects all of us around it and it will drive the strongest to their knees. Keep coming abck and keep going to alanon

marle

Heather, Sending some prayers for a better life for you. You can do this. We are all children of God and deserve to be treated as such. But it begins with you. Baby steps can lead to much bigger and better things for you. Hugs and prayers, Marle

teke

thanks for posting this heather, you inspired me with this, i'm glad to hear that you went to a meeting and i'm also glad to hear that you are gonna make it, you're gonna be just fine. you've opened my eyes to some things in reading your post and i will continue to pray for a better way of life for you too. keeping you and him in my prayers

HKAngel24

Thanks everyone.
I am trying to remain afloat and not take his bait when he dangles it over my head.

I know this is going to be hard. The obsessive, neurotic portion of my mind keeps fluttering off and freaking out about being alone, sad, scared etc.

I had to write in my journal in large letters: Believe you deserve better. His behavior is unacceptable. No matter what he says or does to pull your strings, hurt you and prompt a reaction- STAY STRONG. You know the truth.
You are doing this for you.
YOU decide what you will and will NOT put up with. You decide what is acceptable and reject what isn't.
Make decisions with YOUR sanity in mind.
Do not let him brainwash you- he is just quacking.
You can decide not to accept any of his words, behaviors, actions etc. that do not serve you and only urt you.
You can turn away from them in strength and maintain your ground BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTH IT.
You may not always feel it, but you ARE worth it.
Do not allow yourself to get caught in the addict's web.
THEY ARE SICK.
Believing anything they say is ridiculous. They do not live in reality.

I am trying to keep reading this to keep me in the moment. I feel myself flopping back and forth though. KNOWING this is the right thing to do, but still loving him very much.

cinderellawkids

Thank you that Heather. Im going to add those things to my daily affirmations. I myself am a bit sad about AH today and wondering how he's doing, but had to smack that thought outta my head, because those are the moments he popps up and he's not weedling his way back in this time

Wascally Wabbit

I am glad you are finding that you are worthy of so much in life.
Continue the meetings, and the growth.
Where you mention the cruel words, I remember this treatment too. Most of the time, this treatment is due to the addict hating themselves so bad they lash out at others. But, you are right, we don't have to tolerate it!
Ann put up a post a couple of days about us being worthy. It's a good thread to post things that you feel you are worthy of!
Good luck and peace to you.

patchoulli

We Do Deserve More...We Deserve The Best...

duet_4-8

Hey Heather, I just bumped Ann's "We are Worthy" thread back up. You just hang in there and keep believing in yourself. YOU are worth it and you DO deserve happiness. I won't tell you it's easy to get out from under the madness, but I will tell you that it is SO worth the work!

((((HUGE HUGS)))))