Frustrated...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
Frustrated...
I have so many thoughts going on right now, and would like to get a grip on them.
You remember how Squinty was so nasty to me 2 weeks ago, saying I weigh as much as my sister-in-law, who weighs 100 lbs. more than me? Well, I'm always the one to suck it up and go to him for affection--he will not come to me first. I have to go kiss or hug him, or whatever. He no longer comes to me--I have to kiss up after any argument or anything. He hasn't complimented me in a year. So I decided to wait on him this time--I wasn't the one that was rude. So I waited.
Finally on Monday night, (ok, already, I'm in my prime, and so what can I say....) I initiated things. I was so mad at myself--still am. It was a relief in one respect (ok, maybe two) because he's finally talking to me.
Now let me say that I'm not an ugly old hag, or anything. In fact, quite the opposite. I do deserve affection and attention and compliments. I don't need any of that from him for me to have a good self-esteem. I know he's a jerk, and I know to expect very little from him, but it would just be nice.
So, to say the man was happy is an understatement. Why is it always me to make him happy? Don't I deserve to be happy?
So, then, of course, since I started it, he is nice again (overly) and I finally told him yesterday, when he started saying I shouldn't wait so long next time, that it takes 2, and I was waiting on him. I told him, it's always me coming to him, and that he hasn't given me a compliment in a year, so why should I think after the things he says that he would even find me desirous, etc.
Well, now, the compliments since then have been overflowing. Now, why can't I accept them, as I deserve them? Because I don't believe him. Not that I'm not beautiful, but that he doesn't believe I'm beautiful, or he wouldn't treat me that way. I've put up this shield around me so I won't get hurt! I can't trust that if I waltz back into his arms he will take care of me, and shield me from hurt instead of crush me with the next sentence out of him mouth.
I'm reading the Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage, and it is an eye-opener! It's hard, though to see Squinty and I in the situations it shows, though. It shows the wife as a mother figure, when I've always thought of him as being a father-figure and me the child, as portrayed in our little play--everytime I do something wrong, I'm disciplined. However, I can see that Squinty can't do much of anything without my doing most of it for him. Oh, he can be a good businessman in most respects, but he cannot function without me finding his socks--geesh, aren't they suppose to be in the dryer? Or fix his wittle coffee for him. I do less and less for him everyday, but then he belittles me more for being lazy. I'm so darn self-sufficient it makes most women look like wimps--and I'm serious. The only person that thinks I'm lazy is Squinty.
So, I'm working on letting him know some of my hurts in a very careful manner, as he can't handle much criticism. He's been plastered the last 2 nights, and hasn't damaged too much, though felt lousy both mornings.
I'm just really getting sick of this. Thanks for listening.
Lyn
You remember how Squinty was so nasty to me 2 weeks ago, saying I weigh as much as my sister-in-law, who weighs 100 lbs. more than me? Well, I'm always the one to suck it up and go to him for affection--he will not come to me first. I have to go kiss or hug him, or whatever. He no longer comes to me--I have to kiss up after any argument or anything. He hasn't complimented me in a year. So I decided to wait on him this time--I wasn't the one that was rude. So I waited.
Finally on Monday night, (ok, already, I'm in my prime, and so what can I say....) I initiated things. I was so mad at myself--still am. It was a relief in one respect (ok, maybe two) because he's finally talking to me.
Now let me say that I'm not an ugly old hag, or anything. In fact, quite the opposite. I do deserve affection and attention and compliments. I don't need any of that from him for me to have a good self-esteem. I know he's a jerk, and I know to expect very little from him, but it would just be nice.
So, to say the man was happy is an understatement. Why is it always me to make him happy? Don't I deserve to be happy?
So, then, of course, since I started it, he is nice again (overly) and I finally told him yesterday, when he started saying I shouldn't wait so long next time, that it takes 2, and I was waiting on him. I told him, it's always me coming to him, and that he hasn't given me a compliment in a year, so why should I think after the things he says that he would even find me desirous, etc.
Well, now, the compliments since then have been overflowing. Now, why can't I accept them, as I deserve them? Because I don't believe him. Not that I'm not beautiful, but that he doesn't believe I'm beautiful, or he wouldn't treat me that way. I've put up this shield around me so I won't get hurt! I can't trust that if I waltz back into his arms he will take care of me, and shield me from hurt instead of crush me with the next sentence out of him mouth.
I'm reading the Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage, and it is an eye-opener! It's hard, though to see Squinty and I in the situations it shows, though. It shows the wife as a mother figure, when I've always thought of him as being a father-figure and me the child, as portrayed in our little play--everytime I do something wrong, I'm disciplined. However, I can see that Squinty can't do much of anything without my doing most of it for him. Oh, he can be a good businessman in most respects, but he cannot function without me finding his socks--geesh, aren't they suppose to be in the dryer? Or fix his wittle coffee for him. I do less and less for him everyday, but then he belittles me more for being lazy. I'm so darn self-sufficient it makes most women look like wimps--and I'm serious. The only person that thinks I'm lazy is Squinty.
So, I'm working on letting him know some of my hurts in a very careful manner, as he can't handle much criticism. He's been plastered the last 2 nights, and hasn't damaged too much, though felt lousy both mornings.
I'm just really getting sick of this. Thanks for listening.
Lyn
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
HI (((Lyn)))
I've been married to my husband 34 yrs. and if I waited for a compliment it would of been a very long 34 yrs !
But, I know he loves me and more importantly these days I love myself !
We carry around these expectations and the disappointments
set in when others don't meet them. So , we should state
them out loud so someone knows whats important to us which it
sounds like you did ! Good job !
Lyn if my husband started telling me I was beautiful I'd think
he lost it, but if he told me I have a beautiful heart I'd be able to say thank you and let go of it.
Can these men ever win when it comes to our insecurities ?!
Love & Peace
liddy
I've been married to my husband 34 yrs. and if I waited for a compliment it would of been a very long 34 yrs !
But, I know he loves me and more importantly these days I love myself !
We carry around these expectations and the disappointments
set in when others don't meet them. So , we should state
them out loud so someone knows whats important to us which it
sounds like you did ! Good job !
Lyn if my husband started telling me I was beautiful I'd think
he lost it, but if he told me I have a beautiful heart I'd be able to say thank you and let go of it.
Can these men ever win when it comes to our insecurities ?!
Love & Peace
liddy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hello Lyn.
Take the compliments. Roll around in them. Some people forget to say the nice things. It doesn't mean the sentiments aren't real. I was dating guy once and we had to go someplace special. And I looked special. I made an extreme effort and the results got me a lot of attention all night. My date, however, did not comment. It really hurt my feelings, and he knew something was up... but not what. Finally he asked me why I was being so cool to him (which was unusual and rather progressive in his case). I whined about all the effort I'd gone to and he didn't even notice. "Well, you look great of course. I thought you knew, I didn't know I had to say anything." After that he knew he needed to say something. My parents were somewhat backward in that respect. You wouldn't believe all the nice things they said about each other TO OTHER PEOPLE and forgot to say to their spouse.
And quit being mad at yourself. Witholding nookie is a way of trying to control someone else's behavior. Didn't get you what you wanted, did it? A system of rewards and punishment that winds up depriving YOU and doesn't work anyway seems like a useless self sacrifice.
About the sox... maybe you could draw him a sock treasure map. With bold print.
Hugs,
Smoke
Take the compliments. Roll around in them. Some people forget to say the nice things. It doesn't mean the sentiments aren't real. I was dating guy once and we had to go someplace special. And I looked special. I made an extreme effort and the results got me a lot of attention all night. My date, however, did not comment. It really hurt my feelings, and he knew something was up... but not what. Finally he asked me why I was being so cool to him (which was unusual and rather progressive in his case). I whined about all the effort I'd gone to and he didn't even notice. "Well, you look great of course. I thought you knew, I didn't know I had to say anything." After that he knew he needed to say something. My parents were somewhat backward in that respect. You wouldn't believe all the nice things they said about each other TO OTHER PEOPLE and forgot to say to their spouse.
And quit being mad at yourself. Witholding nookie is a way of trying to control someone else's behavior. Didn't get you what you wanted, did it? A system of rewards and punishment that winds up depriving YOU and doesn't work anyway seems like a useless self sacrifice.
About the sox... maybe you could draw him a sock treasure map. With bold print.
Hugs,
Smoke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 211
Lyn,
You sound soo much like me! The socks.... that kills me!!
I know it's said alot around here, but it's really true. We need to take care of ourselves. I have been doing things for me and when I look in the mirror I know I when I look good. I am trying not to get my husband's approval for everything. Funny thing is, we went for counseling (only one session together - he goes to a group) and the therapist told me not to look at my husband for approval. What did I do next??? Well, I said "I think I have been doing pretty well with that lately." Then I turned to my husband and asked him "What do you think?"
Sometimes I guess I just don't get it.
Take care of yourself!
NoDoubt
You sound soo much like me! The socks.... that kills me!!
I know it's said alot around here, but it's really true. We need to take care of ourselves. I have been doing things for me and when I look in the mirror I know I when I look good. I am trying not to get my husband's approval for everything. Funny thing is, we went for counseling (only one session together - he goes to a group) and the therapist told me not to look at my husband for approval. What did I do next??? Well, I said "I think I have been doing pretty well with that lately." Then I turned to my husband and asked him "What do you think?"
Sometimes I guess I just don't get it.
Take care of yourself!
NoDoubt
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
You guys are so great! Thanks for cheering me up!
It's not so much that I was withholding to punish him as it was that I wanted him to be the first one to show he was sorry for the way he treated me. When we have a riff--almost always caused by him, I'm always the one saying--oh I'm sorry, even though it's not my fault, just so I can have peace! During this whole time, he was punishing me, by being mean to me--nasty snide remarks, belittling, etc. I was waiting for him to come around, and darn if I didn't have to stoop again! But I did let him know what it was all about, and that's why he's being so nice.
I really let him know how much he had hurt me. He always use to lavish compliments on me--so it's not foreign to him. (He could also belittle a lot--but not as much early on). He just was punishing me by not telling me he thought I looked nice--because he wanted me to lose weight. I'm not fat! That's what's so frustrating--I'm not fat! The counsellor we went to for awhile told him he has a very warped sense of "fat".
So, I appreciate all your comments, thanks,
Lyn
It's not so much that I was withholding to punish him as it was that I wanted him to be the first one to show he was sorry for the way he treated me. When we have a riff--almost always caused by him, I'm always the one saying--oh I'm sorry, even though it's not my fault, just so I can have peace! During this whole time, he was punishing me, by being mean to me--nasty snide remarks, belittling, etc. I was waiting for him to come around, and darn if I didn't have to stoop again! But I did let him know what it was all about, and that's why he's being so nice.
I really let him know how much he had hurt me. He always use to lavish compliments on me--so it's not foreign to him. (He could also belittle a lot--but not as much early on). He just was punishing me by not telling me he thought I looked nice--because he wanted me to lose weight. I'm not fat! That's what's so frustrating--I'm not fat! The counsellor we went to for awhile told him he has a very warped sense of "fat".
So, I appreciate all your comments, thanks,
Lyn
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