CE Girl

Hi Everyone,

While I'm not new to SR, (been reading the forums forEVER), this is my first thread.

After many months of the roller coaster of being sober for a few weeks, then drinking again I broke all contact with my A. His drinking was out of control and I simply needed to take care of myself. When drinking, my A is emotionally, and yes sometimes phyically abusive. Sober, he is the kindest, most intelligent man I've ever met.

I have not spoken to him in over a month. That does not deter him however from sending me emails, calling my phone or attempting to Instant message me when he could see I was on line. I have blocked him from all my email addresses except work, because I would have to block all outside mail. Since my job involves being accessable to client,s this is not possible. I do not answer his phone calls.

This morning when I got to work, I received an email from my A asking that I be his sponsor. He says I am the person he most admires and wants to "emulate" me. Says he "respects" and admires me. I would be the first "sponsor" in the 5 years I've known him. Up until now, he always used the "excuse" that no one understood him

Being codependant, you can imagine what this request has done to me. I feel guilty on one hand, because I truly fear this man will die if he doesn't recover. On the other hand I feel it is a "ploy" to get me to communicate with him. "Pushing my guilt button. Its distrubed me so much, I felt I needed to start this thread.

Has anyone had this request made of them?

elizabeth1979

Yes, and Im not an alkie.
Its hogwash, he wanted to butter me up and get me all warm and fuzzy so I would have my codie fix for the day, so I would feel important, and good enough, bc someone wanted to be like me...in addition of course to all these things..
Are you a recovering alcoholic? Im not sure of a recovery method that suggest a nonalcoholic sponsor an alcoholic. It would be like me giving a robin flying lessons.

embraced2000

mine even suggested that we forgoe aa and al-anon meetings and have our own meetings....with a dinner first. just the two of us. something wrong with this picture???

i remember looking at him speechless.....and wondering how this possibly made sense to him.

elizabeth1979

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

Rella927

Ha Ha DITTO!

A "ploy" I finally caught onto the ploys not to long ago! "Can we just meet and talk over coffee, I want to tell you how much I have changed" (2 months into recovery) funny how we look even in early stages of our own recovery at that embraced-"wondering how this possible made sense"

CE (((Hugs))) and welcome to SR! Lots of people here with all sorts of advice, expierence and recovering stories all of us at different levels but all have suffered none the less.

CE Girl

I can't tell you how comforting your responses are. At times I feel like I'm living in the "twilight zone" SR, the threads but most of all, the human connection bring me back to earth. A "newbie" to al anon, I am finding the site a wonderful addition to my program

Thank you Elizabeth. I'm a smart girl, just needed affirmation as emotionally, when it come to my A, I am a little girl.

Now someone tell me how not to let him suck me in?!?! I made the BIG mistake of responding with the fact I didn't think a non alkie should sponsor an alkie. What the hell do I know about his disease?!?! But I can recognize my own issues as a codie.

Yup, he wrote back. Geez, I was only telling you I admire you and respect your opinion cause of who you are, yadda, yadda, yadda, He ended his email with, "Stop, will you please stop". In fact, he ends EVERY email like that. Am I somehow doing something wrong that I need to stop? My tongue is FRIMLY in my cheek with that last question.

Anyway, this ploy seems to have been expereinced/expected. Any words of wisdom on what he'll try next?

I worry that he will show up at my home. I live on a small island, never locked my doors. I do now. In fact, locked myself out this weekend, cause I forgot they were locked,,lol. The point is, I am emotionally fragile right now, if he shows up, I fear I could cave. Its not that I fear danger, just that I would melt, feel the familiar pity and find myself on the roller coaster I so desperately want to get off of.

22Tango

If he has been paying attention in AA meetings at all, he would know that:
*you aren't supposed to ask a member of the opposite sex to be your sponsor
*you certainly don't ask someone who you have a relationship with.

It is just an excuse to worm his way back into your personal space. As my sponsor once said, "The quickest way to annoy an alcoholic is to go off and have a life".

Cynay

Welcome to SR.... and the good laugh.

Living with an Alcoholic is pretty close to living in the twilight zone....

Yep you are probably doing something wrong.... that for your own health you could choose to stop.... You responded to him. Is there a way you could change your e-mail address at work? That would keep him from e-mailing you and still allow you to do your job.

Why not go stay at a friends house for awhile, one that does not like him *chuckles* and she can help support you till your not so fragile. The only way I was able to get off was to go no contact period. If I had to guess I would say he will keep doing what he is .... cuz its working.... and every time it does he will take it a bit further. Kinda like a child that ask the question over and over and over ... just to see how much it takes to get you to cave.... cuz he knows you will.

I look forward to getting to know you, SR really did help with my recovery too in the begining... Hang tight hon only you can change the dance.

cmc

Hi CE,
I'm glad you decided to share and assume since you have been reading here awhile that you know about how much Alanon has helped many of us here. It's the best way I know of to build up the strength needed to learn and do things differently. Coming here to SR has been a lifeline to so many of us and I'm hoping you will continue to post as often as you feel the need to.

Remember that he does the things he does and says those things to you because he can. He knows that you are fragile and will continue to press you untill you can set some limits that you are willing and able to enforce. Yep, those boundaries that we discuss here are the only way to let him know that you are going to say what you mean and mean what you say. You are entitled to say 'no' without giving him an explanation of why.

I understand the fear you mentioned but remember if he really wants recovery it is always there for him and if he doesn't want it nobody will stop him anyway.

At one point I came to a place where the truth began to 'set into' both my mind and my heart and I realized that I needed to begin to take care of 'me' and let go of what I can't control anyway.

minnie

Welcome, CE Girl - glad you have decided to post at last.

He's good, I'll give him that! How best to hook a codie than to imply that you are the only one that can save him?

My ex asked me to be the person with whom he did his Step 5. When I refused, he posted about it on here, continually griped to me about it and tried to enlist the support of our joint counsellor. None of that worked, I still refused. By that stage, I was pretty clued up about his emotional manipulation, although I admit to being surprised at some of the depths he plunged later on that score. Bottom line, it just wasn't appropriate, whether in the context of his recovery, my recovery, or our relationship.

How to not let him suck you in? Well, I tried every means possible to get him to stop. The only one that worked was to ignore him. He wasn't really interested in what I had to say, just the fact that I was saying something to him and giving him attention. Even if it was negative attention, that was good enough for him. Also, many of his emails that were focussed on me were in actual fact just full of projection and learning about that helped take the emotion out of the situation.

So, as I still had to have business dealings with him, I would only respond to business issues. I even had to go so far as to write him a formal letter stating that if he included anything personal in a business conversation, I would hang up. Or if he included a personal p.s. in a business email, I would delete the email and not action it. Therefore, if something got missed business-wise because of a deleted email, then the onus was on him.

I found all of this way more emotionally taxing than the drinking, tbh. It really stopped when he found someone else to lavish attention on, but even then, he has recently tried it again when we had to have some minimal contact on a financial issue. Again, I ignored his emails that weren't relevant to the issue in hand and he has stopped again. I got a new cell phone with a new number - yes, it is laborious to let everyone know the new number, but it was worth it. Some cell phones do allow you to block a number on the phone without getting in touch with your provider. Also, can you set up a "rule" in your email programme that automatically deletes any emails from his address?

I too thought that he would turn up at my home, even though I moved 220 miles away. That never happened, but it might as well have as my home no longer felt safe for a long time. After a while, I learnt how to play the tape to the end and therefore developed a clear plan of action for if he turned up. My biggest fear was that I wouldn't be able to handle it - having a plan eased that fear considerably.

The biggest change for me was when I became able to read the hooks and triggers that he used and see them for what they are. I then became bullet-proof. I hope that you can too.

Tazman53

Hon I am in AA, he is a lair of the highest degree, men sponsor men and women sponsor men, as a matter of fact it is also suggested to avoid any new relationships.

It is even more strongly suggested not to try and spark up old relationships for at least a year!

The man is telling a lie.

The best thing to do is not respond to him at all. If you want to really help him stop replying to his emails!

Even better for both of you is to not even open them, just delete them!

He is probably sending them return receipt which means if you open it he knows you have read it and he still has control over you!

If you do not open it, just delete it he will get a reciept saying "Message Deleted" whcih will tell him he no longer has control over you.

Cynay

Hey Taz.... is it me ?? Im confused... who is sponsoring who? I can fix it if you want me too.

CE Girl

I am honored by the responses from the people I most admire and respect on this site.

A little background,,

I met this man and had no clue he was an alcoholic. I am not "new" to the disease, as I have a family history, with my sister being a drug addict in and out of recovery for over 30 years. In fact, I am familiar with "letting go" as I finally at one point had to say to her, " I will always love you because your my sister, but I can not be your friend". She went into her first detox the next day, realizing she had lost my "codie" ways. My brother is an alcoholic. Still and will probably always be, in denial.

I worked this program before (al anon) with my sister and am familiar with the steps and teachings of AA.

Even with that education, I was "naive" with this man and didn't realize the extent of the problem till it was too late for me, I fell in love. Looking back I have no idea HOW. Ok, yes, I do, I was a codie.

It is a relatively new relationship. 10 month

He entered detox in November of 2006 for 5 days. Came out, was drinking again within 5 days

Back in again in January. Another 5 days. But this time, he did an "aftercare" program that was 12 weeks. He was not sober the whole 12 weeks. He began a "pattern" where he drank on the two days he did not have to go to retreat. I was in and out of the relationship through all of this.

This last time, he "escalated" I had been actively working a program. I stuck to my program and decided to end it. I agree Taz, I am doing him nor I any favors by continuing the contact. I also agree that he is the consumate liar.

You've all helped. I'm determined to go on with my life and stop worrying about that which I have no control.

Thanks Minnie I've set up the "rule" in my email. And its working!! What a relief!!

Taz, I know about the return receipt thing, so I turned mine off. In my email, you can do that, though its hard to figure out. Now that I've set up the "rule" as minnie suggested, this shouldn't be an issue

LOL, CYNAY, I'm sure I can find LOTS of my friends/family who don't like him.

As I write, my greatest fear realized, he's here at work. The guard just called to tell me.

now I have to deal with stocking

minnie

((((CE Girl))))

Can I suggest that you have a boundary about your work being a place or work, not a place to discuss anything personal? And that, besides, you are beyond discussing personal things with someone who can't act like an adult and treat you with respect?

Stick with us, CE. You can handle this.

ICU

So many great responses already. I don't really have much to add other to welcome you and glad you felt comfortable enough to jump in! I look forward to getting to know you.

GlassPrisoner

The sad part is that it DID make sense to him.

Nothing to add here. A sponsor should be another recovering alkie who has some time under their belt , and has worked the steps. They should also be of the same sex (even though I have seen one exception).

Sounds like just another brilliant idea from the mind of an practicing alkie.

Sunflower

hahaha---good one---first time I ever heard that one---PLEASE do not fall for any of it--what a manipulator! He must think you are an idiot!!!!
Tell me 1 month without him right? No abuse? would you ever want to go back to that????

TexasGirl

When I first moved out, I was terrified that he would come see me and play his emotional manipulation games to make me want to move home. I did not answer his phone calls just because I was afraid that I might cave. He finally did the same thing as yours....showed up at my job one day. I found that it wasn't that hard to stick to my guns then too. Because I knew that he would be trying to manipulate me, I was prepared and able to see it for what it was. Awareness was huge for me, and I was able to let his promises roll off my back. Now, it was kind of hard, but I was ready for the inevitable manipulation. It sounds like you are too.

Also, like Minnie said, even negative attention is attention. When mine got that I was apathetic toward him, even if I was faking it, he backed off a lot. One of my favorite suggestions also came from Minnie, back when I was fresh out of the relationship. I was posting about the endless stream of flowers that were showing up at work and my new place. She told me that she wouldn't even bring them into her house, that they went straight to a nursing home. Once her X realized that even the flowers weren't going to work magic, they stopped. Isn't that great!

Glad your around and posting.


p.s. Ha ha, I just saw Minnie also brought up her flower trick on another thread!

CE Girl

Thank you everyone who helped me get through the last 24 hours,,,

When last I posted to this thread, the guard at my work had just called to tell me my A was in the lobby. I went down and was able to tell before I even got there, that he was in his "usual" state. He drove 125 miles, drunk!!! I saw him, TRYING to talk to the guard, he didn't see me.

At that moment a thousand things went through my mind. Go to him and face the same ole same ole of trying to reason with a drunk. "Balling" myself up trying in the end to "protect" him. More hours of "babysitting" and listening to a verbal barrage of abuse that he won't remember, but is BURNED in my heart forever. Logistically a nightmare, as we would have to leave his truck at my work, drive another 40 miles to my home and try and figure it all out for work the next day so NEITHER of us lose our jobs,,,

OR

I could march my butt right back upstairs, call the guard and tell him to call the police.

I did the later

Stayed in my office till the guard called me back and told me he was gone. I finally went home. He called my daughter since he can't get through on my phone. He kept calling her, till finally, she called me and asked me to please talk to him, he was drving her crazy!! I told her that I was sorry, but she needed to shut her phone off for a bit, he was in jail, looking for bail, and I was not going to "enable" him anymore.

Didn't sleep a wink last night. A range of emotions from I am PROUD of myself, to the grief of realizing this man is "gone" to me. Did I worry about him? You bet. I think getting past that is going to take some time. But I feel, as so many of you have told me, I have gotten over that "hump" and am determined to make the break.

The question was asked, "do I miss the abuse after a month apart?" Thank you for that this morning. I put it all in perspective. Because as worrisome and sleepless last night was, it was mild compared to what I wuold have expereinced had I made the first choice.

Even still,,I'm having a sad day

minnie

Sorry to hear that you are having a sad day, however I think you should be sooooo proud of yourself.

Any consequences that he is suffering are due to HIS actions, not yours. And yes, the consequences for YOU would have been harder had you played to the old script - a bit like having a cigarette after a month of none. Why go through the withdrawals etc again for the sake of a quick hit?

I spent a long time grieving. In fact, I probably still am in some ways. But I am not grieving the "old" him - there was no old him, it was all a construct to get me to play his game with his rules. My grief is for my hopes, my dreams and for the future that I thought I had. But it never really existed, except in my naive mind.

Well done - the first time is always hardest. It gets progressively easier, I think.