katie44

I blew it yesterday. My son has been calling 5 days straight. I would not answer his calls. Finally yesterday he called crying ( the old manipulation tactic). He was at some sleazy motel, his friends said he spent the weekend in the park. Anyhow I paid for his room for three days. I cant believe I did that. I told him when I left no more help. I feel like I let him down and myself. Shelters are full right now but if he keeps calling he can get in. Not my problem. He did ask me for money I said no. This boundary thing is so difficult. I think I will just not take any more calls from him. I know he needs to feel this pain, and bottom out without us picking up after him anymore. He looked horrible, was crying the whole manipulation crap again. My spouse was quite upset I did that.

hope213

we all fall at one time or another. pick yourself up & do not beat yourself over the head about it.prayers, hope

GwenMarie30

Its ok to have relapses for the codie in us too, just as the addict has relapses too. It helps you to learn how to keep your boundaries and for the addict it helps them to learn recovery. There is no magic wand to make everything go as planned. Just know you are a mom, you love your son and you had a momentary relapes of your boundaries. You know what caused your relapse of codieism and will look for the next time he calls. Your a good mom regardless of helping him.

parentrecovers

oh katie, it is so hard. i know. every mom, dad, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, friend here struggles with these kinds of situations. it's ok. you're did the very best you could. someday, i hope your son can appreciate your actions. blessings ,k

katie44

Thankyou for your replies. I won't do it again.

teke

sorry for you pain, i do know how hard it is, keeping you and your son in my prayers, praying that he finds his way soon and that god will give you the strength that you need to let him

ncdeac

Stop beating yourself up. We've all been there, most of us numerous times. Just like the addicts recovery process is slow, so is ours and there will be setbacks. Learn from it and try to figure out how you will handle the situation next time. It is just so, so hard.

marle

None of us will judge you for what you did, so please don't judge yourself so harshly. Until someone walks a mile in your shoes, they don't know what it feels like. I could tell you that you are wrong but my daughter has never been homeless. She has her abf. So I really don't know what I will do when the time comes that I get that phone call. You still did good. You said no money and that is a victory. So pat yourself on the back, relax and maybe take a day off from the calls. Do something nice for you. We are all still learning, We are all human and we all make mistakes. Hugs, Marle

caileesnana

He is still YOUR son. I understand too! My new favorite verse:
"Love never gives up hope, never looses faith, is always hopeful and ENDURES through every circumstance: 1 Corinthians 13:7 NLT

Hope you get comfort from it as I did.

rozied

Dear Kate, Thank you for your post. I am in the process of doing the same thing with my AS. After reading it I know more than ever I must prepare myself ahead of time for his phone calls because I believe eventually they will come. This is so darn hard so please don't beat yourself up for helping. When they call & you are not expecting it it is even worse.......because there is no time to prepare.
I am trying to steel myself for the phone calls I know will come. You would have to be made of stone not to want to help your own child when they are crying & hurting BUT we must remember why they are hurting, they are choosing to do it to themselves. If they want to use for whatyever reasons they have to deal with all the negative consequences that come by themselves. I know my AS doesn't call me before he uses............only after when he is in trouble.
Love,
Diane

BigSis

I don't think our recovery is a STRAIGHT line... I think it has (and needs) to have wiggly places. I know there are times I feed my kid - I am buying my AS some groceries today. That is what works for me. And I don't have any guilt about it.

There are addicts who get so close to death, they can no longer think or do for themselves... I believe helping them is ok - so that they can live to find recovery another day.

I believe it is ok to pay for rehab and IOP for my kids... and have done so many times.

No one in the program of 12-step has ever told me I HAVE to withhold these things from my kids.... and if they started telling me what to do, I would probably quit.

What I know is that my help can hinder... and I watch out for that. I know that I have been manipulatedd...and I watch out for that.

But I stopped beating myself up for not doing "it" perfectly by someone else's yardstick. This is my life to live and my consequences. I do what I can live with.

No guilt, just loving understanding.... (((hugs)))

patchoulli

we have all done...I did it for many many years, even shorting myself of money for necessities so she didn't do without....They are still our kids...we love them. Marian

katie44

You are all right, if my son asked me for food while on the streets I would give it too him. I guess there are no rules, but I do know boundaries are very important. One step at a time. people have said to me " if my child did what yours has I would disown him" Most would not, they just don't understand as Im sure alot of us didnt before. Thank goodness that we can come to places like this board. I truly feel I have done more damage enabling my son. I was the biggest enabler out there. When I finally got it I shake my head at the things I put up with. Its just sooo hard when you know they are actively using. He lies, manipulates, con etc. etc. so when I do see him now constantly I am on alert. I dont know the truth from a lie. Anyhow just missisng the old kid the one that was funny, generous, and kind. i suppose we all have days like this. Thankyou all so much again.

sun daisy

Katie- don't beat yourself up. Every time I gave our son money I didn't sleep that night stressing about it. Ever since he went finally into a mission shelter (which we drove him to) and said that he cannt live with us anymore, I have slept better. He has a job and is clean. Has passed 3 drug test, which he said that is first that he didnt have to worry about that! But at least I feel better. I can take care of me and my husband. Try to be good to yourself. You need a break

Lithloren

(((KATIE)))

You're doing really well.

You saw what he was doing and you saw your own part it in.

Seeing it for what it really is half the solution!!!

Hugs,

Lithloren

bookmiser

It's okay, Katie. We all "blow it" now and again. You learn from the "codie relapses".
It's hard to see them, and even talk to'em on the phone when active.
You may just have to stop taking the calls altogether.
For your own sanity.
I'm praying for you both tonight.
Be kind to yourself. Your his mom. It hurts alot, I know.
My son use to break my heart continuously. I'm so grateful he's learning, now that he's not in my house and doesn't have me to fall back on.
It's a refreshing relief to be able to say, "figure it out on your own, son. It's the only way your gonna learn anything."
You'll get there, by praying, letting go, and giving your HP the go ahead to lead.
I pray your son hits bottom soon.
Take care and try not to worry too much.
The stress of what our sons cause, plus the fact that our husbands aren't as understanding, gives us a double dose of sadness.
Focus on you and your own needs tomorrow.
All said with love and understanding,

Ann

Katie, I have done the same thing and can't say I wouldn't do it again tomorrow. the thing is that we each have to weigh what feels right for us. Feeding anyone when they are hungry is a nice thing to do and when I did that for my son I cooked and allowed him to come for a hot meal. Giving him money for food never ended up as intended, but a hot dinner and a sandwich to take with him was just kindness and made me feel good too.

Like you, I had to detach and keep a distance between us. I could no longer sit in a front row seat and watch him destroy himself. It wasn't about being unkind to him, it was always about maintaining my own balance and sanity.

Your son is in my prayers.

Hugs

Louise54

I haven't gotten the phone call yet from my as because he has a roof over his head and a job. For that I'm relieved, but when or if I do get the call, I'm not sure what I'll do. You always hope that the little boy you raised will come back. He's been gone for over 3 months and I miss him alot but at least he does have a comfortable place to stay. Not sure if he hit his bottom though. I pray won't have to, and will just stay clean. Not sure if he has the strength though.