How?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: somewhere, out there---
Posts: 1
How?
How do I 'detach'? I know in my head, but in my heart---if it were just my husband and myself, I think it would be easier, but we have 3 children and I just can't seem to get over that first hump of detachment. *sigh*
Tonight was particularily brutal, because he came home from his counseling session in a bad way. His personal physician prescribed xanax, because he was having dt's and now he's taking xanax and drinking.
I am physically exhausted, not to mention mentally exhausted. I know it's a long bumpy and not automatic ride, but how do I find a way to detach myself?
Tonight was particularily brutal, because he came home from his counseling session in a bad way. His personal physician prescribed xanax, because he was having dt's and now he's taking xanax and drinking.
I am physically exhausted, not to mention mentally exhausted. I know it's a long bumpy and not automatic ride, but how do I find a way to detach myself?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
Hello Mrs. A, and welcome to the forum. If you look at the top of this forum, you will see a "sticky" post called Al-anon Power Posts. There are links listed to some very valuable info, and one of them is on the topic of detachment. These are all really good threads to read and you will find them very helpful.
I'm really glad you found your way here - this is a wonderful place of friendship, support, and love where you will always be welcome.
Keep posting!
Love and hugs.
I'm really glad you found your way here - this is a wonderful place of friendship, support, and love where you will always be welcome.
Keep posting!
Love and hugs.
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Welcome to the forums Mrs. A
I know things can get rough some times. I agree with Margo. Read the posts and other threads. Perhaps do a search on detachment to bring up related posts.
Detachment isn't an easy thing to do. When I think I have got it, something happens and I know I don't
But I also need to remember, one step at a time. You need to start taking care of you.
You take care.
Many hugs,
Debbie
I know things can get rough some times. I agree with Margo. Read the posts and other threads. Perhaps do a search on detachment to bring up related posts.
Detachment isn't an easy thing to do. When I think I have got it, something happens and I know I don't
But I also need to remember, one step at a time. You need to start taking care of you. You take care.
Many hugs,
Debbie
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 62
Mrs A, Hi and a very warm welcome.
I'm struggling with detachment at the moment, to me detachment means detaching from the illness and not the person, sounds difficult, 'it is'
Letting go is another good one, Let go and let God, take care of yourself. It is very hard watching the destruction caused by alcoholism and drug addiction, but he has to realise himself that he has a problem and be serious about getting help.
It can be very painful watching someone you love going down to their rock bottom knowing there is nothing you can do to stop them. It is the only way they will find recovery for themselves.
God Bless
Jewel
I'm struggling with detachment at the moment, to me detachment means detaching from the illness and not the person, sounds difficult, 'it is'
Letting go is another good one, Let go and let God, take care of yourself. It is very hard watching the destruction caused by alcoholism and drug addiction, but he has to realise himself that he has a problem and be serious about getting help.
It can be very painful watching someone you love going down to their rock bottom knowing there is nothing you can do to stop them. It is the only way they will find recovery for themselves.
God Bless
Jewel
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Mrs. A
"Live and let live" is something I try to keep in mind. He is an adult and has the right to make choices. You also are an adult and have the same right to choices that he does.
Take care of yourself and it really does help to do the things you enjoy even when you don't feel like it. A little trick someone told me was to ask myself "Is my name in the sentence?" For example you said he came home from councelling and he is in a bad way. Is your name in that sentence?
Hugs,
JT
"Live and let live" is something I try to keep in mind. He is an adult and has the right to make choices. You also are an adult and have the same right to choices that he does.
Take care of yourself and it really does help to do the things you enjoy even when you don't feel like it. A little trick someone told me was to ask myself "Is my name in the sentence?" For example you said he came home from councelling and he is in a bad way. Is your name in that sentence?
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
((((Mrs. A)))))
You've found a great place to be, here. You've already been given some really good advice.
Do something nice for yourself today, and take care of you and your children.
JT--that's a good one! "Is my name in the sentence?"
Lyn
Do something nice for yourself today, and take care of you and your children.
JT--that's a good one! "Is my name in the sentence?"
Lyn
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Michigan
Posts: 34
When I asked my sponsor this very question, she replied that the only thing that ever worked for her was to pray for detachment. And she added that it worked every time.
So, being a good sponsie (most of the time), I did. And it worked. Sometimes I lose my detachment, but it has helped me tremendously.
I have decided, at least for the time being, to stay with dh and observe his level of commitment to recovery. The reasons are mostly the kids and financial. But, when he is working on recovery, I really do like him, which makes detachment hard.
Anyway, prayer has helped me tremendously.
So, being a good sponsie (most of the time), I did. And it worked. Sometimes I lose my detachment, but it has helped me tremendously.
I have decided, at least for the time being, to stay with dh and observe his level of commitment to recovery. The reasons are mostly the kids and financial. But, when he is working on recovery, I really do like him, which makes detachment hard.
Anyway, prayer has helped me tremendously.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Welcome Mrs A!
I find detachment very hard also, I think it is a frame of mind or an attitude that I need to cultivate and learn. Learning new attitudes is very hard for me. Realizing this has made me appriciate how my husband struggles in changing his life.
JT, I love your "Is my name in this sentenance?". I am writing it on my white board.
Mrs. A, the situation we live in is a very difficult one. THere are no easy, quick solutions (none that I have found). Sometimes we just have to learn to live and be happy even in trying circumstances. But I am learning to be gentle with myself when I get low or feel overwelmed. Most people would bend low under such pressure. Alanon is helping me to bend and not break.
You are in my prayers. Hang in there, we can have a good life.
I find detachment very hard also, I think it is a frame of mind or an attitude that I need to cultivate and learn. Learning new attitudes is very hard for me. Realizing this has made me appriciate how my husband struggles in changing his life.
JT, I love your "Is my name in this sentenance?". I am writing it on my white board.
Mrs. A, the situation we live in is a very difficult one. THere are no easy, quick solutions (none that I have found). Sometimes we just have to learn to live and be happy even in trying circumstances. But I am learning to be gentle with myself when I get low or feel overwelmed. Most people would bend low under such pressure. Alanon is helping me to bend and not break.
You are in my prayers. Hang in there, we can have a good life.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Mrs. A
Detaching for me is to stay within MY situation. I take no ownership of his addiction or recovery, and I refuse to participate in his chaos.
I try to stay focused on my life, what I want to do, and I try to stop obsessing about him and his problems.
Easy? Not at all!!! It takes practice, and having somthing to turn to when my head wants to fill up with his addiction. I read my recovery books or sometimes a novel that will just take my head somewhere else, or I go to a meeting, I pray and try to let go, or I go for a walk or out to work in my garden.
Once I accepted that I was powerless over his addiction, and that nothing I did would make a difference, it became easlier, one day at a time.
Posting here can help too, Just writing it out with people who understand can help keep me balanced and in line with my recovery.
Detaching for me is to stay within MY situation. I take no ownership of his addiction or recovery, and I refuse to participate in his chaos.
I try to stay focused on my life, what I want to do, and I try to stop obsessing about him and his problems.
Easy? Not at all!!! It takes practice, and having somthing to turn to when my head wants to fill up with his addiction. I read my recovery books or sometimes a novel that will just take my head somewhere else, or I go to a meeting, I pray and try to let go, or I go for a walk or out to work in my garden.
Once I accepted that I was powerless over his addiction, and that nothing I did would make a difference, it became easlier, one day at a time.
Posting here can help too, Just writing it out with people who understand can help keep me balanced and in line with my recovery.
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
Hello
How do you detach ..? You start by taking care of yourself and not worry about your A and what he is doing. Get all the help through AlAnon and CODA. I know how hard this is especially with the heart involved. You said for the sake of the children............it is for them if nothing else that you need to take care of yourself and they better of being raised in a healthy enviroment than with what is going on right now. No one can tell you what to do I can speak of experience and leaving my A was the best I ever done! Talk about a happy and serene life! Don't be afraid of it. You can do it!
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
Detaching and Dissociating
Detaching and Dissociating
Detaching and dissociating are words which describe the act of mentally (and therefore emotionally) leaving the present moment and of becoming distant from it. It can be experienced mildly as a subtle feeling of being separated and apart from everyone and everything around you. It can be experienced more dramatically as actually being outside of your body and looking on. Others may speak with you and you will not respond, though you may know that they are speaking. You are elsewhere. People around you may have difficulty with this, especially if it appears to happen right out of the blue. Some people will take it as evidence that you are mentally ill. You may be treated in a devaluing manner as a result of this. Again, mental pollution is popular.
You may suffer from this thinking error: "Because I detach, I must be a helpless, useless, whacked-out person." Let's dispute that one right away. First of all, congratulations on having an emergency exit. Are you aware that this kind of escape hatch has been used by a whole lot of sexually victimized people? Many of them were victims of sexual violence as little children. You may have developed this means of escape way back then. And good for you too.
The problem is this: Your emergency exit has become habituated and you may be using it when you don't really need to. Are you still at risk of being victimized? No? Then you do not really need it these days. The development of the emergency exit is not only because of trauma, but also because of the re-victimization process, in which a child's normal life gets split mentally from the abusive episodes. The habituation of this process evolves naturally and there is no blame for it. It's a survival device and it probably saved you from more severe mental, emotional and physical pain than you know. So far so good?
Now that the detaching has become automatic, you will doubtless be finding it somewhat inconvenient, inappropriate or downright embarrassing. Get on with the job of disputing any self-downing thinking that goes with this. It is a fact of your life - for the time being anyway. Why do a double whammy and feel bad about it too?
It is essentially this kind of problem: Let's suppose that you want to cross a lake, so you get a canoe and paddle yourself across. Let's suppose that you want to take a hike on the other side of the lake. Will you bring the canoe along with you on the hike? No you won't. The canoe was a useful vehicle for crossing the lake, but it will be an unnecessary burden for hiking. No big crime - just inconvenient and a lot of extra work. Your emergency exit once was a necessity. Now it is in the way.
As well as accepting the fact that your escape hatch routine has become habituated and is no reason for self-damning, there may be more that you can do. For instance, recall that memories of trauma are only difficult when the thinking that comes with them is troublesome. Your detaching is likely provoked by some kind of habituated stress-making thinking that gets triggered in the here and now. When you think something like: "I can't stand this. This is really horrible. Help! I can't handle this!, I have to get out of here!", you may trigger the habituated emergency exit routine. Good bye. Off you go.
Check this out: While off and away, you still have the ability to think. So relax. Briefly enjoy the sense of safety, and begin purposeful thinking. Challenge the awfulizing. Recognize that you are safe and that you can actually handle what ever is going on. Explain this to yourself. It may be unpleasant, but it is not so tragic really. Challenge the I-can't-stand-its. Work gently towards understanding that you are able to stand whatever it is, even though it may be a royal pain in the butt. Allow yourself to come back. Explain to yourself that it is safe out there. It's just another case of habit thinking - no big deal. Keep the internal chatter and challenge going. Compliment yourself on your return. Buy a hamburger or a yogurt shake. Treat yourself.
In this manner, you can develop some control over your comings and goings. You don't have to just be at the mercy of these habituated escape processes. You can work towards becoming an expert traveller between states - with more control over it. Hey, some of us meditate for years and we still cannot do that kind of thing. Medication might also be helpful with this if it is a big concern.
The need to be perfect, the awfulizing and the panic creation can be worked on when you are in a good mood. Take the opportunity to rehearse your realistic thinking so that when you next detach, you will know your lines. Enjoy yourself. Radical idea.
As your thinking matures, you may be able to live without the emergency exit for longer and longer periods. Don't worry. If you want it, it will still be there. On the other hand, as the quality of your emotional life increases, you may not want the great escape anymore. Give it some thought.
Detaching and dissociating are words which describe the act of mentally (and therefore emotionally) leaving the present moment and of becoming distant from it. It can be experienced mildly as a subtle feeling of being separated and apart from everyone and everything around you. It can be experienced more dramatically as actually being outside of your body and looking on. Others may speak with you and you will not respond, though you may know that they are speaking. You are elsewhere. People around you may have difficulty with this, especially if it appears to happen right out of the blue. Some people will take it as evidence that you are mentally ill. You may be treated in a devaluing manner as a result of this. Again, mental pollution is popular.
You may suffer from this thinking error: "Because I detach, I must be a helpless, useless, whacked-out person." Let's dispute that one right away. First of all, congratulations on having an emergency exit. Are you aware that this kind of escape hatch has been used by a whole lot of sexually victimized people? Many of them were victims of sexual violence as little children. You may have developed this means of escape way back then. And good for you too.
The problem is this: Your emergency exit has become habituated and you may be using it when you don't really need to. Are you still at risk of being victimized? No? Then you do not really need it these days. The development of the emergency exit is not only because of trauma, but also because of the re-victimization process, in which a child's normal life gets split mentally from the abusive episodes. The habituation of this process evolves naturally and there is no blame for it. It's a survival device and it probably saved you from more severe mental, emotional and physical pain than you know. So far so good?
Now that the detaching has become automatic, you will doubtless be finding it somewhat inconvenient, inappropriate or downright embarrassing. Get on with the job of disputing any self-downing thinking that goes with this. It is a fact of your life - for the time being anyway. Why do a double whammy and feel bad about it too?
It is essentially this kind of problem: Let's suppose that you want to cross a lake, so you get a canoe and paddle yourself across. Let's suppose that you want to take a hike on the other side of the lake. Will you bring the canoe along with you on the hike? No you won't. The canoe was a useful vehicle for crossing the lake, but it will be an unnecessary burden for hiking. No big crime - just inconvenient and a lot of extra work. Your emergency exit once was a necessity. Now it is in the way.
As well as accepting the fact that your escape hatch routine has become habituated and is no reason for self-damning, there may be more that you can do. For instance, recall that memories of trauma are only difficult when the thinking that comes with them is troublesome. Your detaching is likely provoked by some kind of habituated stress-making thinking that gets triggered in the here and now. When you think something like: "I can't stand this. This is really horrible. Help! I can't handle this!, I have to get out of here!", you may trigger the habituated emergency exit routine. Good bye. Off you go.
Check this out: While off and away, you still have the ability to think. So relax. Briefly enjoy the sense of safety, and begin purposeful thinking. Challenge the awfulizing. Recognize that you are safe and that you can actually handle what ever is going on. Explain this to yourself. It may be unpleasant, but it is not so tragic really. Challenge the I-can't-stand-its. Work gently towards understanding that you are able to stand whatever it is, even though it may be a royal pain in the butt. Allow yourself to come back. Explain to yourself that it is safe out there. It's just another case of habit thinking - no big deal. Keep the internal chatter and challenge going. Compliment yourself on your return. Buy a hamburger or a yogurt shake. Treat yourself.
In this manner, you can develop some control over your comings and goings. You don't have to just be at the mercy of these habituated escape processes. You can work towards becoming an expert traveller between states - with more control over it. Hey, some of us meditate for years and we still cannot do that kind of thing. Medication might also be helpful with this if it is a big concern.
The need to be perfect, the awfulizing and the panic creation can be worked on when you are in a good mood. Take the opportunity to rehearse your realistic thinking so that when you next detach, you will know your lines. Enjoy yourself. Radical idea.
As your thinking matures, you may be able to live without the emergency exit for longer and longer periods. Don't worry. If you want it, it will still be there. On the other hand, as the quality of your emotional life increases, you may not want the great escape anymore. Give it some thought.
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