Can't give up fighting,it's not in me....
believer
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Europe
Posts: 2,411
Can't give up fighting,it's not in me....
Since i came here a month ago, i have been sober 14 days and then more 12 days. Witch means i was crazy for 4 days, and sober for 26 adding two times...It gives me strength but it's saddening that when i approach the 2 weeks mark i always fail because that's when the craivings get tougher.Well today i fell, i didn't drink or take pills as you know i really don't have a specific thing, i just did my usual destruction....
Don't get me wrong, i do believe in what i say, but when this craiving came it's like i was Powerless and the pain was so much that i just gave in......I just wanted that pain to end...you see... and now it's ten times more pain. Oh the shame....i was always somebody who kept my word and i didn't keep it once again because of the addiction.....
Faith time,now,lol
(I am going to recur to faith again. If you believe the land is Fatima, if you don't skip this part and forgive me. This year is the 90th year since Mary appeared to 3 shepards in a little town of country men. At the time they were persecuted by the church and state...They were told by the lady two of them would die soon, so it happened they died one or two years after, the other one was told she'd live much more, she lived till she was 97. They were advised to say they had lied or they would be put into boiling oil. They stood up for truth then. Till today scientists can't explain the phenomenon...There were thousands of people that came in 9 months of appearances and only the children saw and talked to the lady. The message is everywhere.I went there so many times to ask for sobriety....maybe now...)
With more faith now, back to sharing..lol....
My brother's sickness made me go to family therapy 2 or three times a week. That tore me apart although i did not Know that when i was 15. I suffered so much. I never said this like this, let me share.... We tried to make the school understand he had a problem and we asked for help from the teachers. Well this aint America, basically the school thought everything was alright, well the shrinks wrote letters and they still thought that my mom was crazy for asking support. What happened was a small vendetta... All the teachers started referring to us as the crazy family between them. This guy with a degree in theology invented a lot of ugly stuff that i won't repeat. One of them said he wanted to kick my mom in the teeth every time he saw her, that was the principal of the school, believe it or not... Yes this is Europe..... My father never defended us. He never said i support you. He let them do that and kept saying I was a mistake and that he was very unlucky because his too sons were too losers.... I dug all i could out of my body, i finished high school there with those teatchers.... My kids won't go to a private catholic school, i'll tell you that. It's the most hypocrytical place. And when i get rid of this sh** i will be a better parent than my dad....i will never regrett my kids if i have them.....
We couldn't get my brother out of bed some days. This is really hard for me to say. One night when i was 17 my brother had a set of convulsions. I don't know how to describe it. In the first time an ambulance came, i called my dad, he was nowhere. He was on a fancy dinner.Second time another ambulance came in the same night....We thought he was going to die...Dad apeared at midnight knowing nothing.The next morning happened again, and this time i was frightened and screamed a little, dad said don't scream, don't bother the neighbors. I mean how cold can you be? And believe me he is cold. When my mom had to take her ovarys and uterus out so she wouldn't get cancer he said to her :you don't even have cancer and I was worried.....
I have so much pain inside me towards his family. My grandpa's wife is my dad's age. She came to marry him by arrangement. My dad and my aunt made her do that cirgury that gets you sterile. I think there was a contract envolved so a son wasn't born to enherite the money... This is true! She wanted an apartment....lol...people can do anything....
I tried to get my music career going, i lost everything from him.The family turned the back on me. Today i am in the best college of the country, everybody talks to me because they're afraid i'll get into the company and boss around.There are more vendettas in the family than i can bother you with, sorry for that.Just needed to speak.It's like a bad soap opera.There are big farms, big factorys and big houses and a lot of unhapiness. I could have a really good car now, i could have a nice girlfriend , i could have nice friends if i let them in their world...I don't let that destroy me but still i do it on my own.Hey Freud, explain that?!!!
My brother is healthy, he's graduating now. Do not say there is no Higher Power! We prayed so much, HP heard us. I am the one who is down now. When everybody is finnaly ok i fell...Couldn't take it anymore. So much anger, frustration and so much pain!
Have a chance to have a music career after college and i have been wasting my time.....When i was 19 didn't get a deal with some labels in New York.....They said i needed to work some more but had potential....Know important people in America in the business and i am here doing this....Karim you're so dum!lol.
=>When i was born my umbilical cord had a knot, the doctor said i was a miracle, because when i was born i hadn't eaten for two months....The funny thing is he said i should be called Messiah.lol.... I was very greenish and ugly...lol...God must have a plan for me because he saved me then. And i need him to save me now....
If there was anybody selling drugs around me today i might have tried it. Something is pulling me to destruction. Before i relapsed today i was thinking that maybe i would like the destruction, get even on me. How crazy is this disease, hum?
What i have in common with you all is a disease that spells hell, but has a very different shape from person to person...I just wish i had not quit today. I don't want to have a week of crazy things...Mom aint here for the week and i might do something stupid...
Today i am feeling very sad. Don't know who i am. And more important i think all my life is a lie because it's a response to other's destruction put on me. Maybe my choices are all to change, i don't know who i am really and that is scaring me today. The only thing i know is that i am a good man and that i believe in God so much that it's bigger than me.The last time didn't think of this. Maybe thats' a good start. Knowing i know nothing....Maybe i have constructed a persona to fight back the pain and forgot who i was....
I get so sad because i have never known what i could be. I could've been an A student, could've been a normal teenager, could've a had a regular life.....People in school think i am lazy(so not me) and maybe i am a good student with addiction....
My parents relationship has destroyed my confidence in people and love... And me, yes me, why is it that i know what to do but can't do it.... There is such a bright place on me, but there is also a very dark force... I love the light, oh yes.... I will win, i will start again.now. Because i know the light...
can't give up fighting, it's not in me....can't quit trying after i quit....
you don't know what it means for me to be able to share. I thank you for the space. For everybody that is thinking to quit. Use me as an example! The pain and the anxiety doesn't stop if you quit, it just quiets and then becomes a monster. Don't quit, please, do not make the disease happy, kick that...****... butt and love yourselves, i am trying.....so hard! It just sucks cuz i cut my hair, shaved my beard, on the perfect weight per mass. ahh shoot gotta do something better this time...lol.
Don't get me wrong, i do believe in what i say, but when this craiving came it's like i was Powerless and the pain was so much that i just gave in......I just wanted that pain to end...you see... and now it's ten times more pain. Oh the shame....i was always somebody who kept my word and i didn't keep it once again because of the addiction.....
Faith time,now,lol
(I am going to recur to faith again. If you believe the land is Fatima, if you don't skip this part and forgive me. This year is the 90th year since Mary appeared to 3 shepards in a little town of country men. At the time they were persecuted by the church and state...They were told by the lady two of them would die soon, so it happened they died one or two years after, the other one was told she'd live much more, she lived till she was 97. They were advised to say they had lied or they would be put into boiling oil. They stood up for truth then. Till today scientists can't explain the phenomenon...There were thousands of people that came in 9 months of appearances and only the children saw and talked to the lady. The message is everywhere.I went there so many times to ask for sobriety....maybe now...)
With more faith now, back to sharing..lol....
My brother's sickness made me go to family therapy 2 or three times a week. That tore me apart although i did not Know that when i was 15. I suffered so much. I never said this like this, let me share.... We tried to make the school understand he had a problem and we asked for help from the teachers. Well this aint America, basically the school thought everything was alright, well the shrinks wrote letters and they still thought that my mom was crazy for asking support. What happened was a small vendetta... All the teachers started referring to us as the crazy family between them. This guy with a degree in theology invented a lot of ugly stuff that i won't repeat. One of them said he wanted to kick my mom in the teeth every time he saw her, that was the principal of the school, believe it or not... Yes this is Europe..... My father never defended us. He never said i support you. He let them do that and kept saying I was a mistake and that he was very unlucky because his too sons were too losers.... I dug all i could out of my body, i finished high school there with those teatchers.... My kids won't go to a private catholic school, i'll tell you that. It's the most hypocrytical place. And when i get rid of this sh** i will be a better parent than my dad....i will never regrett my kids if i have them.....
We couldn't get my brother out of bed some days. This is really hard for me to say. One night when i was 17 my brother had a set of convulsions. I don't know how to describe it. In the first time an ambulance came, i called my dad, he was nowhere. He was on a fancy dinner.Second time another ambulance came in the same night....We thought he was going to die...Dad apeared at midnight knowing nothing.The next morning happened again, and this time i was frightened and screamed a little, dad said don't scream, don't bother the neighbors. I mean how cold can you be? And believe me he is cold. When my mom had to take her ovarys and uterus out so she wouldn't get cancer he said to her :you don't even have cancer and I was worried.....
I have so much pain inside me towards his family. My grandpa's wife is my dad's age. She came to marry him by arrangement. My dad and my aunt made her do that cirgury that gets you sterile. I think there was a contract envolved so a son wasn't born to enherite the money... This is true! She wanted an apartment....lol...people can do anything....
I tried to get my music career going, i lost everything from him.The family turned the back on me. Today i am in the best college of the country, everybody talks to me because they're afraid i'll get into the company and boss around.There are more vendettas in the family than i can bother you with, sorry for that.Just needed to speak.It's like a bad soap opera.There are big farms, big factorys and big houses and a lot of unhapiness. I could have a really good car now, i could have a nice girlfriend , i could have nice friends if i let them in their world...I don't let that destroy me but still i do it on my own.Hey Freud, explain that?!!!
My brother is healthy, he's graduating now. Do not say there is no Higher Power! We prayed so much, HP heard us. I am the one who is down now. When everybody is finnaly ok i fell...Couldn't take it anymore. So much anger, frustration and so much pain!
Have a chance to have a music career after college and i have been wasting my time.....When i was 19 didn't get a deal with some labels in New York.....They said i needed to work some more but had potential....Know important people in America in the business and i am here doing this....Karim you're so dum!lol.
=>When i was born my umbilical cord had a knot, the doctor said i was a miracle, because when i was born i hadn't eaten for two months....The funny thing is he said i should be called Messiah.lol.... I was very greenish and ugly...lol...God must have a plan for me because he saved me then. And i need him to save me now....
If there was anybody selling drugs around me today i might have tried it. Something is pulling me to destruction. Before i relapsed today i was thinking that maybe i would like the destruction, get even on me. How crazy is this disease, hum?
What i have in common with you all is a disease that spells hell, but has a very different shape from person to person...I just wish i had not quit today. I don't want to have a week of crazy things...Mom aint here for the week and i might do something stupid...
Today i am feeling very sad. Don't know who i am. And more important i think all my life is a lie because it's a response to other's destruction put on me. Maybe my choices are all to change, i don't know who i am really and that is scaring me today. The only thing i know is that i am a good man and that i believe in God so much that it's bigger than me.The last time didn't think of this. Maybe thats' a good start. Knowing i know nothing....Maybe i have constructed a persona to fight back the pain and forgot who i was....
I get so sad because i have never known what i could be. I could've been an A student, could've been a normal teenager, could've a had a regular life.....People in school think i am lazy(so not me) and maybe i am a good student with addiction....
My parents relationship has destroyed my confidence in people and love... And me, yes me, why is it that i know what to do but can't do it.... There is such a bright place on me, but there is also a very dark force... I love the light, oh yes.... I will win, i will start again.now. Because i know the light...
can't give up fighting, it's not in me....can't quit trying after i quit....
you don't know what it means for me to be able to share. I thank you for the space. For everybody that is thinking to quit. Use me as an example! The pain and the anxiety doesn't stop if you quit, it just quiets and then becomes a monster. Don't quit, please, do not make the disease happy, kick that...****... butt and love yourselves, i am trying.....so hard! It just sucks cuz i cut my hair, shaved my beard, on the perfect weight per mass. ahh shoot gotta do something better this time...lol.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,031
Originally Posted by karimpatim 
I get so sad because i have never known what i could be.
I never knew what I could be until Feb. 21st, 2005. That's my sobriety date, I'm now 43 years old. The better part of a lifetime thrown away to alcoholism. But I have to say that I don't think I'd trade my life for anything in spite of the wreckage I created.
What I know now is a life filled with love and emotions, surrounded by friends in recovery. I also know how to be a great father, someone my kids can proudly speak of when they say "my Dad goes to AA meetings"! I can be of service to others, to give freely to others in recovery that which I've been given so generously. Most importantly, I can love and care deeply, and receive the same in return. Nothing else matters. I too love the light too much to give it up again.
Still want to know what you can be? Start right now, right this second, not tomorrow, and in time you'll know the life that you can be gifted with in sobriety. But continue drinking and all bets are off, no guarantees we'll live to see the next day. Your sadness and pain will eventually vanish and you'll be filled with the sunlight of the spirit. Trust me, it feels so good to know how fulfilling sobriety can be. I hope you make it waaaaaayyy past that two week mark this time. Tried an AA meeting lately?
Last edited by Astro; 05-07-2007 at 12:43 PM. Reason: I can't spell today
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It's getting past those hurdles that will eventually make it easier. Each time you beat the beast, you become stronger and it becomes weaker. Prepare yourself before the two week period comes up and have a plan and use it. You can get through it!
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Join Date: Nov 2006
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Yes it is, right here: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MA.
Posts: 1,719
[QUOTE=karimpatim;1322104]
I love the light, oh yes.... I will win, i will start again.now. Because i know the light...
QUOTE]
Hi,
You can win...You no longer have to live in the darkness of addiction..
Thinking of you...
I love the light, oh yes.... I will win, i will start again.now. Because i know the light...
QUOTE]
Hi,
You can win...You no longer have to live in the darkness of addiction..
Thinking of you...
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Congratulations on seeking answers to your drinking!
The best advice I can give is to get more info and here is a great link
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
I read that book added God and AA
and have not had a drink since!
Take care and move forward....Sobriety Rocks!
The best advice I can give is to get more info and here is a great link
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
I read that book added God and AA
and have not had a drink since!
Take care and move forward....Sobriety Rocks!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: pass the bon bons
Posts: 2,363
karim, thank you for sharing this......i'm sorry you have had such a hard life, but i'm glad that your brother is healthy, and that you are trying so hard to find lasting sobriety.......
we all have regrets, but for me, it was best that i put those aside until i had a little recovery under my belt......it pays to just focus on the day and the moment you are in, and let all of those things we are guilty about go until our minds and emotions are strong enough to deal with them........
as for your father, we don't choose our family and we can't make someone love us or those who are unable to show love open up........i can imagine how hard it is to have a parent be so cold.......just try not allow his actions make you feel like you don't deserve to be loved, because you do, we all do........and you will find that when you are sober for some time, and learn to care about yourself again.....you will attract people who are caring into your life........
good luck to you, and NEVER stop trying........my sig. is my motto these days.....
ayla
we all have regrets, but for me, it was best that i put those aside until i had a little recovery under my belt......it pays to just focus on the day and the moment you are in, and let all of those things we are guilty about go until our minds and emotions are strong enough to deal with them........
as for your father, we don't choose our family and we can't make someone love us or those who are unable to show love open up........i can imagine how hard it is to have a parent be so cold.......just try not allow his actions make you feel like you don't deserve to be loved, because you do, we all do........and you will find that when you are sober for some time, and learn to care about yourself again.....you will attract people who are caring into your life........
good luck to you, and NEVER stop trying........my sig. is my motto these days.....
ayla
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 294
Hi, Karim.
I'm glad to see that you came back to us even if you fell. It's OK. We are only human. I'm sorry for the pain you've dealt with throughout your life. You asked about the bigbook. Follow that link up there! It's a great book and an excellent source of inspiration. Stay strong, Karim.
I'm glad to see that you came back to us even if you fell. It's OK. We are only human. I'm sorry for the pain you've dealt with throughout your life. You asked about the bigbook. Follow that link up there! It's a great book and an excellent source of inspiration. Stay strong, Karim.
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