How do you detach??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: new york, NY
Posts: 26
How do you detach??
Hi - I can't tell you how much this forum has helped me over the past few days! My significant other of 4 years started the process of recovery 5 weeks ago and ever since has become a different person, very cold, angry, has completely shut me out - says he is working on things with the therapist but wants a break from me for a few weeks. All the great advice I have gotten for you all has been to give him what he wants and just detach. I finally went down last week and told his parents what was happening since I thought this new cold angry phase was something of great concern, they stepped in last week to help him. He I think made them believe that everything is fine and he is working on things. They scheduled a big family therapy session this past saturday, his mom was calling me regularly last week and through the morning on sat to give me updates, she said she would call me after the session on sat to give me an update, but never did. I have no idea why or what could have happened to make her not want to call me but I haven't heard anything since. I have been the only one in the last 4 years that has known of his problem and taken care of him and now I am completely shut out and have no idea what his parents think of me either.
I know there is nothing I can do but just detach so I wanted to see if people have any tips, how do you stop caring, how do you stop wondering how he is, how do you stop wondering if he will ever call, how do you detach???!!!
Thank you all!
I know there is nothing I can do but just detach so I wanted to see if people have any tips, how do you stop caring, how do you stop wondering how he is, how do you stop wondering if he will ever call, how do you detach???!!!
Thank you all!
Last edited by rosie323; 05-07-2007 at 10:43 AM.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
i don't believe you stop caring.
you just have to focus on the things YOU are able to change. you can't control his addiction or recovery or actions. you can control how you react and allow yourself to be affected by them.
detach with love.
blessings, k
you just have to focus on the things YOU are able to change. you can't control his addiction or recovery or actions. you can control how you react and allow yourself to be affected by them.
detach with love.
blessings, k
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Detaching doesn't mean to stop caring. I'd examine why, after someone told me they wanted some time to themselves, I'd then go and tell his parents. What would I be hoping for? When I try to control a situation, I've learned over and over I do not always get the expected outcome. I wouldn't be too surprised that I never heard from the family.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: new york, NY
Posts: 26
You are very right! I guess I was hoping for 2 things by talking to the parents.
1st - since i was the only one that knew of his problem that if i am not there now, he has some other people that are going to help him and take care of him
2nd - maybe have them like me and think so highly of me that i am helping their son that in some way have them convince him that he shouldn't treat me this way and not shut me out
1st - since i was the only one that knew of his problem that if i am not there now, he has some other people that are going to help him and take care of him
2nd - maybe have them like me and think so highly of me that i am helping their son that in some way have them convince him that he shouldn't treat me this way and not shut me out
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
They're the reasons I would have had, too. I know my in-laws loved me very much. I also know that by now AH has probably convinced them that secretly I was a terror to live with and made his life hell on earth. I did hear from my BIL a couple times, but that has stopped. It doesn't matter. It has helped me see I cannot manipulate others into doing what I desire. It never works in the long term.
((()))
((()))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Modesto Ca
Posts: 19
I am really new
I just got here my self and I am going through some of what you are saying. I thing the meeting you spoke of probably was him telling them something negative about you, which is why his mom never called you back. In other words your to blame or you caused him to get where he is. They tell them in AA that they have no power over their addiction and they have accept what they are. I don't buy that I think addiction if very selfish because they have no regard for any one but themselves. Its all about how they feel and how they can get their next drink. They have issues in their live's that they can't handle so they drink. Normal people get sad, angry and/or depressed. They don't look for a bottle or a substance to numb the pain. You may not believe this but you are very lucky you have 4 years invested in this thing and hopefully you have nothing that keeps you commited to each other. Believe me I know it is hard to be betrayed by some one you love, which it sounds like what has happened to you. I am just now trying to pick up the pieces and move on with my life. You are going to feel very sad for a long time because you are the rational one in this relationship. Be thankful that you know what you know now and not 20 or 25 years down the road. I shoot straight and I try to say exactly how I feel be strong and take care.
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
hey highlander99 .. i think you may be right about why his mom never called back .. if he is still drinking or has just stopped , he is still manipulating because its all he knows how to do , push the blame .
in AA they teach As that they are powerless over alcohol , i do agree with that . They cannot drink, even one glass, ever for if they do they will not be able to stop. That rings true with my ah . He can never drink again . They also teach them to take full responsibility for their actions and for the life they have and for all of the people they have hurt along the way . There are lots of recovering As here that offer such great insight from the 'other side' . We can learn a lot from them , I already have .
True again , better to have 4 years than 20 . Detaching is hard to do but its definitely possible and necessary in most cases (IMO) . Doesnt mean you stop caring about them , just that you now care more about you , as you should . You do what you need to do for yourself , sometimes the As follow along and get sober , sometimes they dont . Thats why you do it for you , thats a win-win situation
in AA they teach As that they are powerless over alcohol , i do agree with that . They cannot drink, even one glass, ever for if they do they will not be able to stop. That rings true with my ah . He can never drink again . They also teach them to take full responsibility for their actions and for the life they have and for all of the people they have hurt along the way . There are lots of recovering As here that offer such great insight from the 'other side' . We can learn a lot from them , I already have .
True again , better to have 4 years than 20 . Detaching is hard to do but its definitely possible and necessary in most cases (IMO) . Doesnt mean you stop caring about them , just that you now care more about you , as you should . You do what you need to do for yourself , sometimes the As follow along and get sober , sometimes they dont . Thats why you do it for you , thats a win-win situation
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Highlander99 
They tell them in AA that they have no power over their addiction and they have accept what they are.
The 12 steps, AA or Al-Anon, suggest I am powerless over alcohol. Just like the alcoholic, I do have the power to take control of my situation and choose the sober life for me. Addiction is not an excuse for bad behavior, though it can explain it.
I stayed for a long time, too, almost 20 years. It is difficult to pick up the pieces and move on, but it is not impossible. The more I do it, the better I feel and today I am grateful I took that first step.
((()))
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Hi there, Rosie.
I'll try and be gentle, but before that (lol).......you know you had no right to tell his parents anything? Not your job (unless he was a danger to himself or others) and if I were him, I think I'd be more than a little pi$$ed off about it. And no-one actually has any responsibility to tell you chapter and verse about what is going on for them before they are ready. (And like Denny, I am convinced (by their silence) that I have been painted as black as can be to my former in-laws-to-be. And that started before we split up, in hindsight.)
As for detaching, I'll have a dig around and post some links to previous posts on the subject. It's hard to grasp at first, but once it kicks in, it's a truly liberating thing.
Oops, I wasn't that gentle was I? I know I didn't get very far when people were being all fluffy and handling me with kid gloves. It was the truth I needed, not platitudes. (((((hugs))))
I'll try and be gentle, but before that (lol).......you know you had no right to tell his parents anything? Not your job (unless he was a danger to himself or others) and if I were him, I think I'd be more than a little pi$$ed off about it. And no-one actually has any responsibility to tell you chapter and verse about what is going on for them before they are ready. (And like Denny, I am convinced (by their silence) that I have been painted as black as can be to my former in-laws-to-be. And that started before we split up, in hindsight.)
As for detaching, I'll have a dig around and post some links to previous posts on the subject. It's hard to grasp at first, but once it kicks in, it's a truly liberating thing.
Oops, I wasn't that gentle was I? I know I didn't get very far when people were being all fluffy and handling me with kid gloves. It was the truth I needed, not platitudes. (((((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 8
Dear Rosie,
I can completely and totally understand where you are! When my SO went into rehab he got 28 days of 24/7 care and attention. I got one hour one night a week for a whopping 4 hrs of help for all the feelings I was feeling! It doesn't seem fair.
The biggest thing for your SO right now and ultimately for you - is for him to focus on his recovery! Remember, newly sober, he's probably feeling alot of emotions he hasn't felt for a long time - its a very unfamiliar place when you're used to being drunk or stoned all the time just to get through the day.
I found this SR website which has been invaluable to my own sanity. In addition, I found 3 local ALANON meetings that I attend faithfully.
We've gotten so enmeshed with the alcoholic, with predicting their unpredictable behavior that when they change - we are sometimes slower at catching up. What you're feeling right now is completely normal. ALANON can really, really help by giving you a safe place to vent all you're feeling and by reteaching you how to take care of yourself.
Sending hugs!
I can completely and totally understand where you are! When my SO went into rehab he got 28 days of 24/7 care and attention. I got one hour one night a week for a whopping 4 hrs of help for all the feelings I was feeling! It doesn't seem fair.
The biggest thing for your SO right now and ultimately for you - is for him to focus on his recovery! Remember, newly sober, he's probably feeling alot of emotions he hasn't felt for a long time - its a very unfamiliar place when you're used to being drunk or stoned all the time just to get through the day.
I found this SR website which has been invaluable to my own sanity. In addition, I found 3 local ALANON meetings that I attend faithfully.
We've gotten so enmeshed with the alcoholic, with predicting their unpredictable behavior that when they change - we are sometimes slower at catching up. What you're feeling right now is completely normal. ALANON can really, really help by giving you a safe place to vent all you're feeling and by reteaching you how to take care of yourself.
Sending hugs!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Here's some interesting readings on detachment:
Courage to Change Al-Anon book, May 23:
“Detachment. At first it may sound cold and rejecting, not loving at all. But I have come to believe that detachment is actually a wonderful gift: I am allowing my loved ones the privilege and opportunity of being themselves.
I do not wish to interfere with anyone’s opportunities to discover joy and self-confidence that can accompany personal achievements. If I am constantly intervening to protect them from painful experiences, I also do them a great disservice. Mark Twain said, ‘A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.’
I find it painful to watch another person suffer or head down a road I believe leads to pain. Many of my attempts to rescue others have been prompted by my desire to avoid this pain. Today I am learning to experience my own fear, grief, and anguish. This helps me to be willing to trust the same growth process in others, because I know first-hand about the gifts it can bring.
Today’s Reminder: Sometimes it is more loving to allow someone else to experience the natural consequences of their actions, even when it is painful for both of us. In the long run, both of us benefit. Today I will put love first in my life.
‘All I have to do is keep my hands off and my heart on.’ -- ...In All Our Affairs”
From the Al-Anon DETACHMENT Pamphlet
“.....Individuals are not responsible for another person’s disease or recovery from it.
We let go of our obsession with another’s behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights; lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves.
In Al-Anon we learn:
Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people
Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another’s recovery
Not to do for others what they could do for themselves
Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink [not use]
Not to cover up for anyone’s mistakes or misdeeds
Not to create a crisis
Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.
Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person’s addiction can have upon our lives.
Detachment helps families look at their situations realistically and objectively, thereby making intelligent decisions possible."
Courage to Change Al-Anon book, May 23:
“Detachment. At first it may sound cold and rejecting, not loving at all. But I have come to believe that detachment is actually a wonderful gift: I am allowing my loved ones the privilege and opportunity of being themselves.
I do not wish to interfere with anyone’s opportunities to discover joy and self-confidence that can accompany personal achievements. If I am constantly intervening to protect them from painful experiences, I also do them a great disservice. Mark Twain said, ‘A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.’
I find it painful to watch another person suffer or head down a road I believe leads to pain. Many of my attempts to rescue others have been prompted by my desire to avoid this pain. Today I am learning to experience my own fear, grief, and anguish. This helps me to be willing to trust the same growth process in others, because I know first-hand about the gifts it can bring.
Today’s Reminder: Sometimes it is more loving to allow someone else to experience the natural consequences of their actions, even when it is painful for both of us. In the long run, both of us benefit. Today I will put love first in my life.
‘All I have to do is keep my hands off and my heart on.’ -- ...In All Our Affairs”
From the Al-Anon DETACHMENT Pamphlet
“.....Individuals are not responsible for another person’s disease or recovery from it.
We let go of our obsession with another’s behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights; lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves.
In Al-Anon we learn:
Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people
Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another’s recovery
Not to do for others what they could do for themselves
Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink [not use]
Not to cover up for anyone’s mistakes or misdeeds
Not to create a crisis
Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.
Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person’s addiction can have upon our lives.
Detachment helps families look at their situations realistically and objectively, thereby making intelligent decisions possible."
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/frie...detaching.html
And my absolute favourite reading on the subject:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rty-lines.html
And my absolute favourite reading on the subject:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rty-lines.html
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
rosie--I think you were right to involve his parents. and it sounds like his parent responded very proactive byhaving the meeting. It is possible he said things about you that were negative or it is possible to them it is a private matter how they deal with it on their end.
personally I would wait a few days and just call her--ask how it all went and let her know how he is doing.
as far as detachment-I believe you said you were a nurse? its like when we have to do some awful painful treatment on a patient.the quicker it is done the better and the calmer we stay the more accurate.which usually means you have compassion for the patientbefore the procedure---but during it nothing-you can't ''feel''their pain if you do-its downhill from there.after the procedure you comfort....most nurses no how to detach like this. You have probably seen many people die--you learn not to leave work with it-detachment again-in order to survive.Most of us nurses are pretty good at it-you have to be.
It isn't all that different with an A---you detach and let them recover--you can't do it for them--so go on with your life---the end result will be the same.
(gee I hope you are a nurse)
personally I would wait a few days and just call her--ask how it all went and let her know how he is doing.
as far as detachment-I believe you said you were a nurse? its like when we have to do some awful painful treatment on a patient.the quicker it is done the better and the calmer we stay the more accurate.which usually means you have compassion for the patientbefore the procedure---but during it nothing-you can't ''feel''their pain if you do-its downhill from there.after the procedure you comfort....most nurses no how to detach like this. You have probably seen many people die--you learn not to leave work with it-detachment again-in order to survive.Most of us nurses are pretty good at it-you have to be.
It isn't all that different with an A---you detach and let them recover--you can't do it for them--so go on with your life---the end result will be the same.
(gee I hope you are a nurse)
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