queenteree

What a weekend I had. AH and I had to go to our upstate place this weekend to take care of some business. AH hasn't drank in a week and a half but on Friday night, we're halfway upstate (2 hour drive) and stop at a rest area. AH tells me to go on ahead, he'll be right there. OK, we all know why (which I didn't think of at the time) - he was sneaking beer while I went to the restroom. Didn't realize it at the time, we keep driving, he reaches behind the backseat and pulls out a beer, pops it open and continues to drive. Needless to say, he was so drunk he was swerving all over the place, I was a nervous wreck. Told him to pull over, let me drive cause he was swerving, he starts getting all mad at me, saying he's not swerving and didn't pull over. Police were pulling over people right and left but NOT HIM!!! Anyway, finally get there (in one piece, Thank God) and he's drunk as a skunk. I try to just go in the bedroom and watch TV, but no, he's in an argumentative mood. I let it go. Saturday a.m. we get up, he eats breakfast and we head out to the store, as I'm in the store getting stuff, AH is in the car drinking - wasn't drunk till we got back to our place (this goes on from 11 a.m. till 12 midnight). Anyway, slurring, repeating himself, making an idiot of himself, etc. But each time he'd get mad at something I said, throw a beer into our firepit and go in the house. He was doing strange stuff like banging the poker on the cast iron fire pit just to make noise to annoy me. Why????? If I asked him to stop, he did it even more and laughed (very sadistic or something). Then he thought it was funny to pretent to point the poker at me (which is quite dangerous for a drunk to do, I couldn't have gotten hurt), and when I told him so, he got all mad, calls me a killjoy and that I can't take a little teasing. This is so unlike him, I just didn't know how to handle it. At one point he passed out outside in the chair. When he slightly woke up, I told him to go inside and take a nap, he got mad, went inside and slept in the living room, knowing full well I'd wake him up each time I went inside. Anyway, Sunday a.m. he apologizes and is going to make it up to me. We leave to come home - go figure,I don't know when this man had the opportunity to drink (I didn't see him do it), but on the way home, he's drunk as a skunk and stops in the middle lane of the parkway where people are going 65 mph because he thinks we missed our exit (we didn't). Then I told him that the parkway we need to take is closed, he had no recollection of that, when we get there, it's closed and he swears he sees the workers laying on lounge chairs (THEY WERE NOT!!!). Anyway, we get home (again, Thank God safely) and he decides he wants my sons to take our other car to his job. I advised against it, but the boys said OK (they are 28 and 24 years old). They did, he picks them up from there and almost had a MAJOR ACCIDENT with them in the car (twice) and wouldn't let them drive. My older son is so angry with him right now, my youngest son has had it and both of them think he is a pathetic drunk (which he is). My older son even said if my AH gets in the car again that night for me to call him (my son) and he would call the police on AH. It's getting bad and he's getting meaner (which he is not a mean person), and I don't see it stopping any time soon. And I don't know how to get out of a moving car without killing myself should this happen again. Short of leaving him, any ideas on how to handle it? Thanks.

ICU

That brings back memories for sure.

After going through a few horrible episodes of being the passenger in the truck when I knew he had been drinking, I would try several things.

1. Make an unplanned stop somewhere, anywhere, pretending I needed to go to the bathroom, then make an excuse as to why I needed the keys to the truck and insist on driving the rest of the way (yes, I lied)!!!

2. Make another unplanned stop somewhere, then get lost in the crowd and wait for him to leave without me and call a cab to take me to where I needed to go

3. Eventually I learned not to get in the truck with him in the first place. Even if we were going to the same place, I would take my own car

All of the above enfuriated him beyond belief. I didn't care. I had to learn to protect myself. And, I should have called the police on him too, but that courage to even think that way didn't come to me until long after I had begun my recovery, and, separate from him, permanently.

Pick-a-name

Can't give any advice (except the usual ) but just wanted to say that except for the obvious drunkeness and all the driving....this is a "flashback" to me about what lead exAH to not be living here with us. HE got mad and divorced me (haha..I guess you can see "why" when they get that mindframe) but it was very unsettling living in that situation.

Glad your sons are around and thinking clearly. Maybe the police will be the ones to intervene (with or without a call)...hopefully before some one is hurt or worse.

Take care and stay out of the car (I know,sometimes easier said than done,esp. on a freeway).

LGLG07

how frightening that is . my ah has driven drunk ... let me see .. about ... every day of his drinking life . He was very functioning so it was always very hard for me to tell when he was drunk , nobody every understood that but he was very good at what he did . one night he drove our daughters to gymnastics .. i got a call from the young 19 yr old girl that works there about 45 mins later . she told me that he seemed very drunk and she wasnt going to let him take my girls home . I thank GOD for her courage to make that call , at 19 , I dont think I would have had it .
I had to borrow a car because his was in the shop and he took mine , I got there as soon as I could and he was very surprised to see me . Turns out he had a bottle in his car but had taken 3 xanex on top of it . I told him I would drive him home or if he refused I would call the police on him for fear he would hurt someone else on the road . I drove him home , and his second stay in rehab started the next day .

The not knowing whats going to happen next is the hardest part for me . We think so much about what we should do because we base our actions on our As reaction . Once you can seperate yourself from that you will be amazed at how clearly you see your situation . If your neighbors husband left his house drunk as a skunk 2 mins after your sons pulled out of your driveway , you would want to call the cops on him to protect your kids . Believe me , had he actually gotten into his car that night and drove , Im not sure I would of had the courage to call the cops , I would of kept saying , 'he'll get arrested' , 'he'll lose his license' , 'it'll cost us so much money we dont have' what I should been saying is , 'hes going to kill himself or someone else'

parentrecovers

i got to the point with my ex that i would not get in a car with him behind the wheel or allow my daughter to ride with him. if i did go anywhere with him, i would drive separate. i'm sorry. and i'm glad you are safe today. blessings, k

BigSis

My first husband used the driving time as a power control time. I finally had to also draw a line and say (when he was calm and we were NOT in the car) that *I* could not ride with him ever again. That was over ten years ago.

We've only recently started to ride together again in the past three years or so... but now he KNOWS that I will take my own car - even if it is 100 miles away - so that *I* can feel safe.

I am THAT important. You are also THAT important.

I could not wait until "next time". The last time had to be ... the last time. ((hugs))

Tazman53

It was the only thing that worked for this drunk and millions of others who finally quit, let him know he has one chance to sober up or you are out of there, any other plan of action will accomplish nothing unless of course he kills you or some innocent person driving.

Just an old sober drunk talking that knows what it takes to get a drunk to stop, killing people does stop some drunks, but not all, just like leaving drunks stops them sometimes, some of them are going to stay drunk no matter what you do.

The best thing to do is DON'T!

Seeking Wisdom

I have mentioned this before.... the family ultimately pays the price for the DUI if he gets picked up. It is extimated that the cost for lawyers, court costs and increases in insurance for many years for the FIRST DUI is $9000 ... even more for additional DUI's. This also does not include any expenses due to possible lost work or possibly their job. The alcoholic usually doesn't get that upset ... my husband was in such denial that he was convinced the blood alcohol reading of .20 had to have been a mistake. That's $9000 less to be spent supporting their families - and in my case it meant no braces for one son and no money for college for the other son ...and there is an excellent chance with in a very short time they will be drinking and driving again - it never slowed my husband down. Also this is devasting for poorer families ... while wealthier ones will barely notice the expense. Since Paris Hilton got sentenced to 45 days in jail..I bet she will be very careful about drinking and driving again.. and all the lawyer expenses, fines and court costs would have been meaningless to her.

I would have no problem if they would just throw them in jail for a DUI, keep them off the roads for awhile and let them serve their time - but it doesn't work that way. It would be much easier to call the police on my husband if I didn't know if was going to take a huge amount of family money to pay for it, I know it would have left a much stronger impression on my husband if he had to spend some time in jail rather than just having me struggle and shuffle money around .. trying to figure out how to pay for his irresponsible behavior.. all while he just keeps on drinking and driving. I wish there was a more effective solution ... it infuriated me to see my husband drink and drive and I felt helpless.

Also I never would be a passenger in the car with my husband once I realized he was deceiving me about how much alcohol he had drank ... I would let him drive only if he appeared sober. Towards the end when he couldn't stop drinking... I never let my kids go anywhere with him.

queenteree

Taz,
Thanks for your advice, but you know what, with my drunk, he will never stop, even if I left him and all my kids wanted nothing to do with him. He is too far gone, and I know for a fact leaving would not get him to stop, it would only make me struggle financially and where I live, I could not afford to live on my own. Plus, I'd lose alot of what I have and God knows what else. Then again, I could lose everything if he killed someone. At this moment, I truly do wish that I could leave though, it's not the fact that I'd miss him (or anything about him), it's the fact that at this stage in my life, I'd be starting from scratch and I don't know if I have it in me. But I'm a little depressed cause I feel like my higher power has deserted me. I keep saying I know God has a plan for me, and I keep waiting for a sign or something to give, and nothing does. I guess nothing changes if nothing changes. So nothing's going to change. Oh well ....
QT

Tazman53

I know for a fact I would never pay a plugged nickel for any of my kids, I have already done this once!

As long as I was bailed out of my troubles I had no troubles while I was drinking, leave his butt in jail to fully face the consequences, it will save the family money in the long run and if he is going to sober up facing the consequences of his drinking head on will speed up the process.

Tazman53

If he kills some one you will not be starting off from stratch you could be starting off 100s of thousands in the hole and have the guilt of the whole deal beating you up.

Bull..... if I stopped any one can stop!!!! I drank for 40 years, in the end I could not even dream to go a full day with out a drink, I had to put myself into detox.

There are alcoholics who are put into mental institutions who recover. He will never recover as long as you keep helping him drink, nor will you.

I drank like your husband, probably worse, how in the world I did not kill myself, my wife and kids or some one else I will never know.

Your HP has not let you down, your HP can do nothing for you until you take action!

You are right, as long as you change nothing, nothing will change.

No ones HP lays the answer in their lap with out them taking some action on it.

queenteree

So true about the financial difficulties a DWI can cause. The problem is, I know my AH will never, ever get one!!!! I have been to the police station on days I know he is drunk, gave them the make, model and license plate of his truct and his route home from work, they yes me to death but does he ever get stopped? No!!!! And never will. I just don't want some innocent family paying a dear price for his drunken stupidity. And yes, last night, I would have let my son call the police. I just wish something would give. But it doesn't seem like it. And it's depressing.

MsGolightly

queen, if it happened again, i would follow ICU's advice, get him to stop so you can get out, and then i would call the cops. i would probably even do it while i was in the car with him, but if you're afraid of him getting even more out of control while driving, wait until you're stopped. regardless of how much it would cost for the DUI, i think your life is way more valuable - and also the lives of others he would be endangering on the road. sure, paying for a lawyer and court costs would be a hefty price, but you shouldn't let that stop you at all. he could very easily ram into a minivan with children in the backseat and end their lives in a heartbeat... i'd do what you have to do to keep yourself and others on the road safe. if he wants to risk his own life, let him, but have him do it without you in the car.

eyes wide open

My AH was driving drunk all the time, the end of it came this past Sat. I get a call he is in Jail. He was driving his company truck. I was praying to God to help him and I think he did, before somebody got killed. He is in major trouble with his job and needs to go get help. I know this is just the first step to many to come. I have thank God for the help and also to Alnon, He has to do it not me. I keep praying that god will give him strength to get through this.

Tazman53

EWO sorry to hear about the hubby getting busted, but glad also, we need to be hung out to dry before we wake up and see we have a problem. I hope you did him a bigger favor and let him sit in jail as long as possible. The more he suffers alone for his actions the better his chance of waking up and getting sober.

EWO you are so right in praying, because that is all you should do if you want to stand a chance of him getting sober.

queenteree

Taz, I don't help him drink or let him drink. I am trying to detach as best I could. He almost lost his job for drinking at work (in January). They gave him a final warning. He was scared at first and didn't drink at work for months, now he is back to that again. And you're right, if God forbid something happens to another family, I would be wracked with guilt (and that would be worse than the hundreds of thousands of dollars in the hole). HE needs to hit bottom and losing me isn't it for him, trust me. You did say in your prior posts (and I have seen here) that some drunks never stop and my AH is one of them. If knowing you have alcoholic liver disease doesn't make you stop (and that is your actual life you are talking about, and then downplaying it to yourself and everyone else that it's fatty liver) nothing will make him stop. I've said to myself over and over, if I just stick it out a little longer, something's got to give, but my little longer is turning into what seems like an eternity.
Inthisforme - you're absolutely right, and I won't get in the car with him next time. I don't want to see anyone hurt.
Eyes wide open - see how you were praying for God to help him and he got arrested. That's all I'm asking from God is a little leeway. It just seems like He, for whatever his reason, doesn't want to help me (even a little) right now.

denny57

Your story brought back many memories for me, especially the last few years AH and I were living together. I thought it was unlike AH, too, and I understand now that it WAS unlike him because liver disease was setting in and liver disease affects the brain. I certainly didn't understand it when it was happening because I didn't even know I was dealing with alcoholism.

Short of leaving him, it might be time to start to readjusting how you live your life. No more road trips, etc. That's what I did. I guess I got lucky at the end because AH willingly turned over the keys and let me drive. I remember being shocked that he had me drive him to the airport that last time, when he was leaving for Australia. He screamed at me the whole way about my driving and STILL I didn't know why. Oy.

I'm sorry you are going through this; I remember very well how painful it is.

elizabeth1979

What can you do to stop your hurting and to stop the way it negatively affects you?

denny57

Another post now that I've read them all LOL

My HP was screaming at me for over a year but I ignored the message. I know now I don't get to tell my HP what I want; my HP gives me what I need. If I waited for the HP to deliver on what I HOPED would happen, I'd still be where I was almost 2 years ago.

Taz says if he could stop, anyone can. I believe him. Today, I am not concerned with whether AH stops or not, though everyday I hope he finds sobriety. I leave him to his HP and in the meantime I live the best life for me. It isn't easy starting over at my age, though I feel younger today without the alcoholic than I did 10 years ago living with him.

(((QT)))

LGLG07

queenteree .. (forgive me i dont know how to do quotes so im paraphrasing)
You said that he has to hit bottom and you leaving him wouldnt do it . Dont leave him because of what he will or wont do without you and the boys . If you decide to leave , leave because of what it means for YOU and the BOYS .

You cannot help him , hes on his own , but you can help you . You cannot go on like this for much longer . I think your HP is giving you some signs right now but you (like the rest of us , me included) are having a hard time seeing them because all your focus is in the wrong place .

If you stay what do you have ?? Living in constant turmoil with an active ah who is abusive ( verbally from what it sounds ) and is a huge liability, a DUI is the least of your worrys, he kills someone and you lose your house and everything you worked so hard for . If you leave you can sell your house , you can downsize , you will qualify for some public assistance to get you on your feet again and you have two adult boys that will be more than willing to help Im sure .

Its so hard to make a move , it really is , I know from experience . But if you say he is too far gone than he is too far gone then what are you expecting from him if you stay ?