received a letter
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
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received a letter
Dated 4-30, her 23rd birthday. Post marked 5-4 w/ no return address.
4 hand written pages, saying how sorry she was for the last 7 years, how she thinks all the grandparent health problems were her fault, how she ruined everyones life and she was embarressed to be around us "that why I left". She said she knew how worried we must be and how she felt "she could never be good enough" not "matter what I did". SHe said another reason were the "low life friends" and until she can sit face to face and explain things, she doesn't want to see us. She did say she prays everyday and is "doing a little better. slowly but slowly I'm getting back up". She said she was working and looking for a better job (with aboslutely nothing!) and has saved $1000 (how could she save that in 6 weeks when IF she is working she makes minimum wage!) She doesn't know I know where she is. THen on page 3, she asked if she could buy her car. $1000 down and pay out the rest ( from where the freak wrecked in, someone wrote SNITCH on the hood, etc). How stupid does she think we are? She even said she did want Cailee to see her like this "and I hope she never ever follows me". She said 15 different times how much she loves us. BUT, I know she is w/ the drug freak, he trashed the car once, he just got out of jail AGAIN and narcotics are investigating him and all at the address.
I cried and cried, and hated her even more. everytime I almost have myself to a point of peace, here she comes again. If she hadn't mentioned the car, it might have been more sincere. She said "I know you'll think this is the only reason I wrote" and if you wont sell me the car "i'll understand and get a cheap one until I can save for something better".
She verbalized knowing she was the only granddaughter and they had no reason to be proud of her, and how she hates herself for hating the "people who did and would do anything for me".
I swear, at least death is final and there is closure.
4 hand written pages, saying how sorry she was for the last 7 years, how she thinks all the grandparent health problems were her fault, how she ruined everyones life and she was embarressed to be around us "that why I left". She said she knew how worried we must be and how she felt "she could never be good enough" not "matter what I did". SHe said another reason were the "low life friends" and until she can sit face to face and explain things, she doesn't want to see us. She did say she prays everyday and is "doing a little better. slowly but slowly I'm getting back up". She said she was working and looking for a better job (with aboslutely nothing!) and has saved $1000 (how could she save that in 6 weeks when IF she is working she makes minimum wage!) She doesn't know I know where she is. THen on page 3, she asked if she could buy her car. $1000 down and pay out the rest ( from where the freak wrecked in, someone wrote SNITCH on the hood, etc). How stupid does she think we are? She even said she did want Cailee to see her like this "and I hope she never ever follows me". She said 15 different times how much she loves us. BUT, I know she is w/ the drug freak, he trashed the car once, he just got out of jail AGAIN and narcotics are investigating him and all at the address.
I cried and cried, and hated her even more. everytime I almost have myself to a point of peace, here she comes again. If she hadn't mentioned the car, it might have been more sincere. She said "I know you'll think this is the only reason I wrote" and if you wont sell me the car "i'll understand and get a cheap one until I can save for something better".
She verbalized knowing she was the only granddaughter and they had no reason to be proud of her, and how she hates herself for hating the "people who did and would do anything for me".
I swear, at least death is final and there is closure.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
I am sorry for your pain.
I had one thought through your post "It sounds so much like many letters I have from AH and I know MIL has hundreds similar from AH and BIL"
Sadly they write theres when they are drunk, coming down or in jail
I pray she find her way soon
I had one thought through your post "It sounds so much like many letters I have from AH and I know MIL has hundreds similar from AH and BIL"
Sadly they write theres when they are drunk, coming down or in jail
I pray she find her way soon
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Me too. I am sorry for your pain. I know how much the lies hurt. Addicts live in their own little world. I know last fall my daughter told me that she and her abf had $10,000 in the bank and were doing great. Turns out they owed everyone, their heat and water had been turned off and they were being evicted. She does not mean to hurt you. She is in major denial about her problems and she has even convinced herself of the lies. Prayers that she will find her way and prayers that your heart will stop hurting and you will find some peace. Hugs, Marle
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
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Marle brings out a good point I do believe they convince themselves of their lies so they believe them true.
Ah always starts witha symparthy or self pity card and then turns it back on us. It helps to know others here the same kind of lies
Ah always starts witha symparthy or self pity card and then turns it back on us. It helps to know others here the same kind of lies
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Because thats just it they are not happy, they are not content, they are miserable. I think they call for validation, and/or hoping we will fill the void they are feeling. Sadly one can only fill their own voids because they are caused within
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In a State of Grace
Posts: 100
Dear Caileesnana,
When I read your post I totally understood your pain. I know how hard it is to go through all of their life drama, try to help them, realize you can't, let them go, gain some serenity, and then have them come back at us again with another request to rescue them. I don't care how much they try to conceal their manipulative little plans in "Love", it's still manipulation. It still shows how much they really don't care. Seven pages is just a attempt for an addict to get something for as little effort as possible.
I know it hurts, but your recovery is really showing! You didn't fall for it. Congrats!
Lithloren
Originally Posted by caileesnana 
If she hadn't mentioned the car, it might have been more sincere. She said "I know you'll think this is the only reason I wrote" and if you wont sell me the car "i'll understand and get a cheap one until I can save for something better".
I know it hurts, but your recovery is really showing! You didn't fall for it. Congrats!
Lithloren
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I also believe that some of it is that you are still important to them and they want to somehow get your approval. I know when my daughter moved into a different house with her abf she wanted me to come and look at it. She was so proud. She showed me how she had arranged her perfume and lotions in a small closet in the bedroom. It is a little thing but she wanted me to be proud of her. She just could not see the situation for what it was. Two drug addicts trying to look normal and failing horribly. Every human being has a basic need for approval. I am not saying that is what your daughter is doing, but it could be. Hugs, Marle
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
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She mentioned being "proud of her" several times. I hope in my heart she does love us,lis truly sorry for the hell, and is ashamed of what she'd done! But as she started the letter "I know my words mean nothing" and she is write, all they mean is hurt, pain, and the worst disappointment of my life!
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I just had the hardest time feeling like my daughter was doing this to me. It took me a long time to get over that feeling. I went to a therapist and I have posted on here and read and read on this forum and the addict's forums. Also lots of books and the "Addiction" series and book were helpful. Your daughter does not want to be an addict, but when the drugs get a hold of them they replace even the addict's basic survival instincts. Drugs become more important than food, shelter, love or sex. I can't imagine living my life without choices. I can get up in the morning and enjoy my day. An addict wakes up and their first thought is how to get their fix so they won't be sick and craving. Everything revolves around the drug. Sad way to live. Maybe remembering that she is hurting as much as you, but in a different way will help you. I had to remember that my daughter is a child of God and that He loves and forgives her. He knows her pain. Try to just let her go and give her to God. He can, I can't is a saying that helps me to remember who is in charge. Hugs, Marle
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
sorry for your pain, i think marle have a lot of good points. when i was active, i did love my family dearly and i hated myself because i didn't know how to stop and it was just as frustrating to me that i couldn't just stop like i thought that they thought i should be able to. knowing that i was hurting them, kept me hurting and i kept using to get just a few seconds of relief from the pain.
a lot of her letter seem to me like she was feeling sorry for herself and it also sounds a little like she want someone else to feel sorry for her too. kind of like a little form of manipulation or reverse phycology of some kind. it also sounds kind of like she is sort of feeling the effects of how bad her like has become. maybe she is coming to an end of active addiction. it gets worse sometimes before it gets better, i pray that she finds her way soon and it sounds like she maybe on the verge of making better decisions for herself. try to turn her over, god knows how to take care of her and lead her to the place where she needs to be. still praying for all of you
a lot of her letter seem to me like she was feeling sorry for herself and it also sounds a little like she want someone else to feel sorry for her too. kind of like a little form of manipulation or reverse phycology of some kind. it also sounds kind of like she is sort of feeling the effects of how bad her like has become. maybe she is coming to an end of active addiction. it gets worse sometimes before it gets better, i pray that she finds her way soon and it sounds like she maybe on the verge of making better decisions for herself. try to turn her over, god knows how to take care of her and lead her to the place where she needs to be. still praying for all of you
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
you have so much pain & bitterness, which i understand. i have an a.s. are you going to f.t.f. meetings? therapy? these could help you let go of it & her too. my heart goes out to you. you nor your grand baby deserves this.my prayers are for you, your grand baby & your daughter.i hope she sees the light.
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Thanks. I have felt better the last week since I "met" all of you. I wish I had found ya'll sooner.
I try to understand, but still don't. I know it is manipulation and once again her being the "victim". Why is that some say "hands off" however it is also a "family disease"??? seems double standard to me. What really makes me mad is we ALL did our part--the meetings, rules, consequences. we all did "the program" except her!
I wish it had a return address, I'd return to sender. On the back of the envelope she wrote" Please read before you throw in the trash" How the hell can you love someone and KNOW you are hurting them and keep on??? I was a rebellious hell raiser at 18, graduated, left home and my parents didn't know my mistakes. I worked, took care of me. When I married at 20, I grew up and never looked back. I made my mistakes, I live with them, and God has forgiven me. actually pretty simple!
I try to understand, but still don't. I know it is manipulation and once again her being the "victim". Why is that some say "hands off" however it is also a "family disease"??? seems double standard to me. What really makes me mad is we ALL did our part--the meetings, rules, consequences. we all did "the program" except her!
I wish it had a return address, I'd return to sender. On the back of the envelope she wrote" Please read before you throw in the trash" How the hell can you love someone and KNOW you are hurting them and keep on??? I was a rebellious hell raiser at 18, graduated, left home and my parents didn't know my mistakes. I worked, took care of me. When I married at 20, I grew up and never looked back. I made my mistakes, I live with them, and God has forgiven me. actually pretty simple!
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
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caileesnana,
I find myself resenting the fact that I have to be in a program and my AD isn't.
I feel like I work harder than she does at recovery. Sometimes I think my daughter stays away from me because she is using again and she knows that she cannot be in my house if she is. She knows I will call the police on her if she even dared to bring drugs in my home. I've done it before and I'll do it again. One thing I've noticed is that her relapses seem to be getting shorter time wise. Then she seems to get back on track. Anyone have any thoughts on that? Not sure if that means amything or not............Lo
I find myself resenting the fact that I have to be in a program and my AD isn't.
I feel like I work harder than she does at recovery. Sometimes I think my daughter stays away from me because she is using again and she knows that she cannot be in my house if she is. She knows I will call the police on her if she even dared to bring drugs in my home. I've done it before and I'll do it again. One thing I've noticed is that her relapses seem to be getting shorter time wise. Then she seems to get back on track. Anyone have any thoughts on that? Not sure if that means amything or not............Lo
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Canada
Posts: 23
Hi Caileesnana,
I have a file folder of similar letters from my addicted son who will turn 20 in a few days. He's been a full-blown addict since he was about 16 or so.
I've noticed a definite pattern in his emotional moods. There are times when he wants to turn his life around and come "clean." He needs to make his reconciliations with everyone and start a new slate. He's managed to try this many, many times, until we basically said, "no more."
He still doesn't want it badly enough.
I don't think any of us are going to ever come to a total "point of peace"...not really...not fully...but we can come to a sense of gratitude that they are still alive, they are still trying and there is always hope for their recovery (as there is for our own).
Trying to rationalize their requests for more...more money, more concessions, more understanding, more help in whatever way...will never work because it simply can't be rationalized.
I think it's okay to say no, especially if you know that the request isn't on the up-and-up. You may never know what the real circumstances were, but some day, you might. Whether you respond "yes" or "no" to any single request probably won't be the deal-breaker to her ultimate recovery.
I've finally learned to say "no" and "I love you" in the same breath.
M
I have a file folder of similar letters from my addicted son who will turn 20 in a few days. He's been a full-blown addict since he was about 16 or so.
I've noticed a definite pattern in his emotional moods. There are times when he wants to turn his life around and come "clean." He needs to make his reconciliations with everyone and start a new slate. He's managed to try this many, many times, until we basically said, "no more."
He still doesn't want it badly enough.
I don't think any of us are going to ever come to a total "point of peace"...not really...not fully...but we can come to a sense of gratitude that they are still alive, they are still trying and there is always hope for their recovery (as there is for our own).
Trying to rationalize their requests for more...more money, more concessions, more understanding, more help in whatever way...will never work because it simply can't be rationalized.
I think it's okay to say no, especially if you know that the request isn't on the up-and-up. You may never know what the real circumstances were, but some day, you might. Whether you respond "yes" or "no" to any single request probably won't be the deal-breaker to her ultimate recovery.
I've finally learned to say "no" and "I love you" in the same breath.
M
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