my new methods
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: reality
Posts: 156
my new methods
WOW, the anti-depressents I am taken have made such a difference. Yeah, all my own problems are still there but the sharp edges and the life or death drama of everything that happens just isn't there anymore. I can see things much more clearly, deal with things in a much calmer manner. Things are not as overwhelming, and best of all, I do not obsess and/or get emotional about things that really do not warrant that kind of time and energy.
As my mother always tells me "these are just problems to be solved."
And in terms of dealing with my abf--I am able to detach. I am much stronger with my boundaries, much less emotional about the practical, less willing to fall into his manipulation traps. I no longer fear what would happen if I don't go along with him, I think to myself "this is me, this is what I will tolerate, and if he doesn't like it, well, he can bugger off." rather than the previous "I will DIE if I don't have this man in my life."
example -- he steals money from me and goes to use. the next day he calls me to ask for a ride back to his place. I think to myself -- this is not something to get emotional about, this is just a practical problem to be sorted out. so I tell him "I'll give you a ride if you give me a check when I get there that I will be cashing as soon as the bank opens on your pay day." Cool, calm, collected. When he whined about that I was like "You're choice, give me the check, I pick you up, otherwise, forget it."
and guess what -- I got my money back.
I refuse to mince words any longer, I refuse to play into the "you make me feel bad about myself." thing.
and you know--he definitely does better with my detaching as well.
I gave the whole enabling thing a long think and I came up with the idea that if you can enable bad behavior then you can just as well enable good behavior, so now, instead of "helping" him do drugs and drink, I help him with the positive things in his life.
Of course, I don't always manage to stick to my new policies (had a disaster that involved me trying to hide his atm card) but I am not going to beat myself up over it. I am only human.
Also, no more waiting on my plans to see if he ever shapes up. I make decisions based on my present needs, rather than what might happen if he miraculously sobers up.
As my mother always tells me "these are just problems to be solved."
And in terms of dealing with my abf--I am able to detach. I am much stronger with my boundaries, much less emotional about the practical, less willing to fall into his manipulation traps. I no longer fear what would happen if I don't go along with him, I think to myself "this is me, this is what I will tolerate, and if he doesn't like it, well, he can bugger off." rather than the previous "I will DIE if I don't have this man in my life."
example -- he steals money from me and goes to use. the next day he calls me to ask for a ride back to his place. I think to myself -- this is not something to get emotional about, this is just a practical problem to be sorted out. so I tell him "I'll give you a ride if you give me a check when I get there that I will be cashing as soon as the bank opens on your pay day." Cool, calm, collected. When he whined about that I was like "You're choice, give me the check, I pick you up, otherwise, forget it."
and guess what -- I got my money back.
I refuse to mince words any longer, I refuse to play into the "you make me feel bad about myself." thing.
and you know--he definitely does better with my detaching as well.
I gave the whole enabling thing a long think and I came up with the idea that if you can enable bad behavior then you can just as well enable good behavior, so now, instead of "helping" him do drugs and drink, I help him with the positive things in his life.
Of course, I don't always manage to stick to my new policies (had a disaster that involved me trying to hide his atm card) but I am not going to beat myself up over it. I am only human.
Also, no more waiting on my plans to see if he ever shapes up. I make decisions based on my present needs, rather than what might happen if he miraculously sobers up.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Sounds like you are doing what is the right thing for you. We all have slips. The difference is we realize it is a slip and then we get back to business. I am glad that you are feeling better. Hugs, Marle
Let me grow up.
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Charles, LA
Posts: 201
Super! It's great that the medication helps take some of the sting out of your situation and even better that you still realize any problems you may have must still be addressed. I used to Prozac. Didn't work but it did help me lose 15 punds because one of its side effects was loss of appetite. I've since gained back those 15 pounds. . .LOL. . .and I've learned that it's more effective to give my problems over to God. Best anti-depressant I know!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I had the same reaction to antidepressants. They made everything Not A Crisis, Just Something That Needed Solving. And I could solve it all, without a crisis.
Be careful, oneeyeopen. You may just get to the point where you're wondering why you keep hanging out with a "man" who steals from you. Or a "man" who constantly needs to be bailed out, like a pre-teen kid.
I know I did. I woke up one morning and realized those things weren't in my "ideal boyfriend job description" at all
Be careful, oneeyeopen. You may just get to the point where you're wondering why you keep hanging out with a "man" who steals from you. Or a "man" who constantly needs to be bailed out, like a pre-teen kid.
I know I did. I woke up one morning and realized those things weren't in my "ideal boyfriend job description" at all
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by HKAngel24 
Very inspirational!
I hope I wake up one day and realize I deserve more and that what I've been "dealing with" is something I'm ready to give up and swallow the fear and pain.
I hope I wake up one day and realize I deserve more and that what I've been "dealing with" is something I'm ready to give up and swallow the fear and pain.
And by the way I "woke up" with the help of that terrified decision, hourly prayer, ten appointments with a therapist JUST to talk about surviving this, and one bottle of Paxil (which I never refilled). I had help. Big sis is right...the help is a good thing, and it's there if we're ready to receive it.
Love to all
GiveLove
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