Is there hope?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: new york, NY
Posts: 26
Is there hope?
Hi Everyone - I am so grateful for this group, you all have really helped me today!
I am just struggling with a significant other who is starting recovery who is now shutting me out, become very angry, rude and hurtful - which he never has been. I was the one he would share all his feelings with and now the minute I even ask if he is ok, he gets upset saying he is fine and can't deal with this conversation anymore and hangs up. He has asked for a few week break because he just needs space. Of course, the more I push to be involved the more he says he wants the break. I have been reading quite a few postings and responses and this behavior doesn't seem abnormal, along with a general lack of emotions, ability to care deeply and really put others needs over their own during the term of the relationship.
Most people seem to have walked away and are or have started a new life, I just want to see is there any hope that a person going through recovery can become a stable, emotional, deeply caring person? Has anyone taken some distance and then with time the person in recovery comes back to them? Just want to know what I am in for - this is so new to me and of course painful.
I am just struggling with a significant other who is starting recovery who is now shutting me out, become very angry, rude and hurtful - which he never has been. I was the one he would share all his feelings with and now the minute I even ask if he is ok, he gets upset saying he is fine and can't deal with this conversation anymore and hangs up. He has asked for a few week break because he just needs space. Of course, the more I push to be involved the more he says he wants the break. I have been reading quite a few postings and responses and this behavior doesn't seem abnormal, along with a general lack of emotions, ability to care deeply and really put others needs over their own during the term of the relationship.
Most people seem to have walked away and are or have started a new life, I just want to see is there any hope that a person going through recovery can become a stable, emotional, deeply caring person? Has anyone taken some distance and then with time the person in recovery comes back to them? Just want to know what I am in for - this is so new to me and of course painful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: new york, NY
Posts: 26
I guess that scares me and makes me feel that he doesn't care about me. That he is ok having a life without me. I have no choice but to give him the break, last night he said the more I push not for a break, the more he wants it so I had to say ok. I just don't know what this means, is he going to call me in a few weeks, does this mean it is over, just don't know what is going on with him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I understand the fear. The time apart can serve you well, too. Do you attend Al-Anon? Patience is a hard one for me, too. Sometimes it's forced on me and I work on accepting it.
Change is scary. Take good care of you now. ((()))
Change is scary. Take good care of you now. ((()))
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Rosie, I understand your fear, however, he is not having a 'live without you.'
Right now, he has a brain that is literally MUSH. It is very difficult to concentrate or form complete thoughts. You are asking for something that he literally is unable to give right now. Early recovery requires immense concentration, sometimes minute by minute. I know I was there. Just removing the alcohol and/or chemicals from the system (the toxins) can take up to 2 months. It takes time for the brain to rewire. And it takes time to discern what really is reality.
Why are you not concentrating on you and going to Alanon? Please give him some time and space.
Rosie there is no way, at this time he could answer that. He doesn't know what is going on with him. Early recovery is very very confusing to the newly sober.
Please take this time for YOU. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing we do care!!!!
Love and hugs,
Right now, he has a brain that is literally MUSH. It is very difficult to concentrate or form complete thoughts. You are asking for something that he literally is unable to give right now. Early recovery requires immense concentration, sometimes minute by minute. I know I was there. Just removing the alcohol and/or chemicals from the system (the toxins) can take up to 2 months. It takes time for the brain to rewire. And it takes time to discern what really is reality.
Why are you not concentrating on you and going to Alanon? Please give him some time and space.
I just don't know what this means, is he going to call me in a few weeks, does this mean it is over, just don't know what is going on with him.
Please take this time for YOU. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing we do care!!!!
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: new york, NY
Posts: 26
Thank you so so much for your support! It is hard to accept that this is all him and not take this personally that he doesn't care. Just makes me sad since we have been best best friends and I have been the one that has shared this with him every step of the way and now all of a sudden he wants nothing to do with me. Your kind words mean alot. thank you
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
(((((ROSIE)))))))) i am in almost the exact same spot you are in right now - only i decided this week that i was not OK with the break and i was going to let him go. i can't sit around waiting for the phone to ring, wondering if he is going to want to see me or talk to me, wondering when he will decide when the "break" is over....it was too much for me. you don't take a break from being engaged!!! i ultimately decided that i don't want to be with someone who needs a break to figure out if they really want our relationship to work out.....i want to be with someone who knows what they want. and that is what i deserve. keep reading here and posting and PM me if you ever want to chat - i understand where you are....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: new york, NY
Posts: 26
Hi Kglast - so great to hear from you! For some reason I am not able to PM you, if you can please do, I would love to hear a bit more about your situation. Did you notice the change once he started recovery? Did he just completely shut you out?
I just feel so upset that I have been the reason that he even admitted he had a problem and sought help and now when he is cleaning himself up, I am being treated so badly and he is being so cold. He says that he has 2 sides in his head, one that has very strong feelings for me and knows he will never find the same bond with anyone and then the other which is scared of anything serious, commitment and feels the need to escape and be free so that is what causes him to treat me badly. So he needs some space. I miss him, just don't know what to do
I just feel so upset that I have been the reason that he even admitted he had a problem and sought help and now when he is cleaning himself up, I am being treated so badly and he is being so cold. He says that he has 2 sides in his head, one that has very strong feelings for me and knows he will never find the same bond with anyone and then the other which is scared of anything serious, commitment and feels the need to escape and be free so that is what causes him to treat me badly. So he needs some space. I miss him, just don't know what to do
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
You say he's treating you badly now that he's not drinking, but how did he treat you when he was drinking? Was that situation any better? He's asking for space, give it to him. I know that seems easier said than done. But the good news seems to be that he's focusing on recovery and trying to deal with an overload of emotions and feelings without self-medicating w/ alcohol.
I do know how you're feeling. I am seperated from my AH right now while he works on his recovery. Maybe it'll work out between us, and maybe it won't. But for the first time in the 10 years we have been together, I am more focused/interested in myself. It took a long time and alot of sh#t to get to this point. A few years ago I would have been devastated and taken it very personally if my AH had pulled away to focus on his recovery. That's because I truly believed that **I** was instrumental in his recovery and well-being. Now...I welcome the break.
The best thing you can do for you, him and the both of you as a couple is to take care of yourself!
I do know how you're feeling. I am seperated from my AH right now while he works on his recovery. Maybe it'll work out between us, and maybe it won't. But for the first time in the 10 years we have been together, I am more focused/interested in myself. It took a long time and alot of sh#t to get to this point. A few years ago I would have been devastated and taken it very personally if my AH had pulled away to focus on his recovery. That's because I truly believed that **I** was instrumental in his recovery and well-being. Now...I welcome the break.
The best thing you can do for you, him and the both of you as a couple is to take care of yourself!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Pushing or pressuring him at this time can only make things worse. Recovery from alcohol/drug addiction is akin to recovery from traumatic head injury, the only difference being a chemical and not trauma.
Some closed head injury people do not even recognize their family. He has broken past denial of addiction and in recovery. This in of itself is a HUGE step.
During the moments in my life when I wonder if hope exists, I remind myself of a man that spent 25 years in prison in a country that would elect him president. I think of Nelson Mandela.
Relax and stay busy doing things you like to do. You cannot change the future by worrying.
Some closed head injury people do not even recognize their family. He has broken past denial of addiction and in recovery. This in of itself is a HUGE step.
During the moments in my life when I wonder if hope exists, I remind myself of a man that spent 25 years in prison in a country that would elect him president. I think of Nelson Mandela.
Relax and stay busy doing things you like to do. You cannot change the future by worrying.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
Big hug for you. My ABF has done the same, I am giving him space and we are discussing coming back together. He has told me sometimes he just gets so depressed he doesn't want to talk to anyone, or have to think to much. I saw him for the first time in a week a few days ago and it felt very strange. I am the one that also got my ABF into recovery, got a charity to pay for the costs, etc.
He is making new friends in his program and now in a sober house. I think the sober house has done him good, he now gets to see what it is like to be there. Think about what happened, etc.
He still is in the blame game, I go to Alanon to help me stand on my own two feet. I try to keep busy as not to obsess on stuff I can't change.
The more you start taking care of yourself, the better you will feel. Let him see that you can be independent of him and let him wonder what you are doing.
He is making new friends in his program and now in a sober house. I think the sober house has done him good, he now gets to see what it is like to be there. Think about what happened, etc.
He still is in the blame game, I go to Alanon to help me stand on my own two feet. I try to keep busy as not to obsess on stuff I can't change.
The more you start taking care of yourself, the better you will feel. Let him see that you can be independent of him and let him wonder what you are doing.
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