he still doesn't care

Old 05-04-2007, 07:22 PM
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he still doesn't care

Well, my lawyer called this afternoon to tell me that the processor found my AH and served him the divorce papers this morning. So, of course, I cried... and called him. He called me back and we chatted for awhile about the weather and so on, and then I asked if he was ok,

"Yes" he said, "I'm fine, I assume you're talking about the papers, yea, I got them, it's no big deal, it's not like it's a big surprise or anything, you told me they were coming... it doesn't matter to me either way. If this is what you want, if this is what your heart is telling you to do then that's it... I think you're making a mistake, but, whatever, I guess I'll spend Monday looking for a lawyer"

I was shaking! and I was speechless!!!... of course this is not what I want, this whole marriage has never lived up to what I've wanted!!!!... And do you know what I really wanted, a reaction, an EMOTION, some sort or opinion or something that showed he has a heart; anger, sadness, remorse, human connectivity!!!

ugh. No, this is not what my heart is telling me to do AT ALL, it's my logical brain pushing me forward... my heart is too tangled up with codependency and love...

He thinks I'm making a mistake!!! Is that blaming me??? ahhhh!!!

Where has my husband gone? Who is this cold shell of a man???
I am so upset and shocked, well not shocked, but disappointed... again...

I guess this is it, I need more from a soul mate, I need someome who cares, someone who cares deeply...
someone who needs me and loves me as much as I need and love them,
or maybe more!!! that would be amazing!
I need someone who would never let me go... ever.
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Old 05-04-2007, 07:29 PM
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What were you expecting? Him to beg you to come back? What would you have said then? Think about that.....no matter what reation he gave you it would have been upsetting...your marriage is over it is normal to be upset and emotional.
I am so sorry for your pain,but for some reason the A loves the bottle more than he does you--like most....stay strong--distraction is needed
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Old 05-04-2007, 07:33 PM
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Originally Posted by sugarpup View Post
... And do you know what I really wanted, a reaction, an EMOTION, some sort or opinion or something that showed he has a heart; anger, sadness, remorse, human connectivity!!!

Where has my husband gone? Who is this cold shell of a man???
(((Sugarpup)))

It's amazing how the alcohol robs them of so much. It just eats their personality, their soul. And it is very sad.

I think when it finally comes to this, they often just don't know how to react - they are so ashamed and lost. Not to mention what the addiction has done to their ability to deal with anything. They really don't have any tools to grapple with reality.

I am sorry for your loss...it is painful to go through all of this.

hugs to you,
neg

Last edited by DesertEyes; 05-05-2007 at 09:35 AM. Reason: fixed broken quote
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Old 05-04-2007, 07:38 PM
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to me it seems when they are A and not in recovery--they don't feel anything anymore--you look in their eyes they are not there anymore.........
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Old 05-04-2007, 07:42 PM
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I am just going to offer another possibility, but it's hard to know exactly what he's thinking. He might just be playing right into how he thinks you will react....in other words, manipulation. One time I was "going to move out" -- it's in quotes because I didn't do it -- XAH started helping me pack some stuff in the garage and loading it into my car. It was such a ploy...his entire motivation was to get me to freak out that he didn't care. Mission accomplished...that time.

I'm sure yours does care that it's ending, even if it doesn't show for one reason or another.

I always said I wanted to get my head and heart on the same page so I could leave. Like you, I finally just had to let my head drag my heart out the door. Eventually your heart will catch up.
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Old 05-04-2007, 07:42 PM
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He has not lost his first love, you have. This is what you wanted and becasue of that, he doesnt' have to do the work. That makes it all you. The mistress won.
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Old 05-04-2007, 08:04 PM
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Kinda a man thing I feel. Pride etc. It hurts.
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Old 05-04-2007, 08:17 PM
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When I was a drunk...I could go into "the dead zone" when in shock and pain. It's like your brain shuts down and you go numb when you should be emotional. I often had delayed reactions. But truth be told..I was often just "dead" feeling...I have laughed and termed myself as "dead woman walking" when I was a drunk. My exAbf drank and drugged yet still got hugely emotional...I'd be dead....until it was my turn..then he'd be. It was never in synch. I can still go numb in painful moments...even sober....I haven't been emotionally coherent all that long at almost 5 months.

I know his response is not what you wanted. But in all honestly, you really have no idea how he feels..what pain he is undergoing...it's egotistical (and needlessly painful) to believe you do. We all process in our time and in our own way. You really have no idea what's going on with him...and if he's still drinking..beleive he has no clue either.
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Old 05-04-2007, 09:40 PM
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It just eats their personality, their soul.
NO, it buries the personality and the soul under oceans of alcohol. The personality and the soul are still there, however, may never be seen again, unless the individual can find recovery.

(((((Sugarpup))))) the man you loved is gone for now. Someday he may find recovery and someday you may meet again, I understand your pain............................please continue to work on you and what you want to do in your life time. You can still have a great life!!!! HONEST.

Texas Girl, you may be right, he might have been trying to manipulate, it would depend on how far into the progression of Alcoholism he is. I am, however, more inclined to think that he is just NUMB from totally saturating himself with alcohol.

Oh, and I also suspect he is far enough along that alcohol is no longer his first love, but is now HIS MASTER. He is now totally in HELL and will remain there until one of the '3 UPs' happen:

Covered up, (dead and buried)

Locked up, (long time jail sentence), or

Sobered up.

It is a hell, that I pray daily I never return to.

Sugarpup, I suspect that deep down there was a little bit of you hoping that his being served with the papers for a divorce might be the impetus for him to seek recovery and thus some of your pain. This pain will pass in time.

Please take care of you. Keep posting and venting, we do care.

Love and hugs,
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Old 05-05-2007, 09:44 AM
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And do you know what I really wanted, a reaction, an EMOTION, some sort or opinion or something that showed he has a heart; anger, sadness, remorse, human connectivity!!!
One of the hardest lessons of recovery is accepting that people act the way they act, and not the way we expect them to. They say in the big book lack of power was out delimma, but unresonable expectations have got to be right up there too.

You're dealing with an alcoholic. The walking dead. When I was still drinking, I had no emotions. Well, unless I was drunk. Then I'd alternate between crying and anger.
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Old 05-05-2007, 11:15 AM
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Originally Posted by GlassPrisoner View Post
Well, unless I was drunk. Then I'd alternate between crying and anger.

Thanks...that's what I see/hear because usually I see xAH when he is not drinking....he seems to have two modes:frustration/anger or generosity/looking like he is going to cry, UGH. Talking to others it is like he is playing a part in a play.....looks pretty much like him but just going through the motions as if all the world is GREAT!!!! and he is on top it it ALL!

This helps.
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Old 05-05-2007, 01:38 PM
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It's amazing how the alcohol robs them of so much. It just eats their personality, their soul. And it is very sad.

"I think when it finally comes to this, they often just don't know how to react - they are so ashamed"


"to me it seems when they are A and not in recovery--they don't feel anything anymore--you look in their eyes they are not there anymore"




Great great words that speak volumes about some of the things I have seen and suffered with. As Vernon Johnsom says in the book "I'll quit tomorrow" ,,."they lose touch with their emotions.
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Old 05-05-2007, 02:15 PM
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This same reaction was what I got when the For Sale sign went up in the front yard.
He said, well this is what you wanted. No, it really wasn't, but I later learned I was trying to control the situation and his actions.

I'm sorry!! The hardest choices are sometimes the most important for our own well-being.
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