The cruel comments made me snap.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
The cruel comments made me snap.
I'm trying my best and trying to practice my Alanon, and trying to hear,
Quack, Quack, Quack! The sick sign is on their foreheads. Everything....I'm honestly trying. I got away from one abusive alcoholic, and now, again, I'm being reminded of how I ended up being so incredibly codependent.
I love my uncle and I love my mother, but they are being cruel and abusive. Moreso, my uncle is the one who is being so incredibly cruel. It breaks my heart because I love him. He comes to my mother's house every day and, normally, he would pick on her and attack her self-esteem. Since I'm living here, he emotionally abuses me and my mother finds it humorous. He knows how much I love my little dog, so he constantly makes fun of her, and tonight he started making jokes about when my first dog got killed by a car. I was 12 years old and I was heart-broken. My mother laughed! Now, I realize that I'm 50 years old, but why bring up one of my worst childhood memories? Then he wanted to know who invited me to come and live here anyhow. Once again, my mom just sat there grinning. She has asked me to move in with her hundreds of times, but she just sat there. After he left, I snapped! I need some advice.
I don't want to end up disliking my family members, BUT.... sometimes I do not like my family members. I'm just being honest!
Help me out here! Please!
Quack, Quack, Quack! The sick sign is on their foreheads. Everything....I'm honestly trying. I got away from one abusive alcoholic, and now, again, I'm being reminded of how I ended up being so incredibly codependent.
I love my uncle and I love my mother, but they are being cruel and abusive. Moreso, my uncle is the one who is being so incredibly cruel. It breaks my heart because I love him. He comes to my mother's house every day and, normally, he would pick on her and attack her self-esteem. Since I'm living here, he emotionally abuses me and my mother finds it humorous. He knows how much I love my little dog, so he constantly makes fun of her, and tonight he started making jokes about when my first dog got killed by a car. I was 12 years old and I was heart-broken. My mother laughed! Now, I realize that I'm 50 years old, but why bring up one of my worst childhood memories? Then he wanted to know who invited me to come and live here anyhow. Once again, my mom just sat there grinning. She has asked me to move in with her hundreds of times, but she just sat there. After he left, I snapped! I need some advice.
I don't want to end up disliking my family members, BUT.... sometimes I do not like my family members. I'm just being honest!
Help me out here! Please!
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
Stand up for yourself. Tell them that you don't appreciate this type of abuse/behavior and excuse yourself from their presence.....don't "let" them treat you that way. Then there will be no blow-up later.
Family are sometimes the cruelest, and the sad part is, they don't even know they are doing it. My family is much like yours.....they would rather attack my character, judge every move I make, instead of telling me that I did a nice job at anything! And should I screw-up.....they like to relive every detail of that for years and years and years.
Family are sometimes the cruelest, and the sad part is, they don't even know they are doing it. My family is much like yours.....they would rather attack my character, judge every move I make, instead of telling me that I did a nice job at anything! And should I screw-up.....they like to relive every detail of that for years and years and years.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Wowzer Grace, I can totally relate to that scenario!
I moved back in with my parents too...and it's put me on a real emotional rollercoaster ride. I'm in my 30s, but it's amazing to me how childhood events still feel so fresh - like they happened yesterday. ugh. I did years of work to sort through those years, and here they all are once again.
I hate carrying around resentment and anger. It does no good for me or my family. I want to let it all go. I snap sometimes and say things that hurt my mother's feelings, and she just doesn't get any of it. So, I only hurt myself and look crazy to others when I have these outbursts.
So my advice to you (and to myself) is to work on what you can actually control: you. I will never get anywhere trying to get my mother to validate the way I feel (and the way I felt back then). But I can work to sort out my own feelings and let go of the negative. I think it's the only choice I have. I don't want to be angry anymore! I can only control and change the way that I react to these feelings/memories/current events.
For better or for worse, we don't get to choose our families. We just gotta deal with the hand we've been dealt. I don't blame you for fuming...your mother's reaction (or lack thereof) is so non-supportive and quietly mean. I am sorry. I hope you can find some peace there...and/or find your own place to live.
I moved back in with my parents too...and it's put me on a real emotional rollercoaster ride. I'm in my 30s, but it's amazing to me how childhood events still feel so fresh - like they happened yesterday. ugh. I did years of work to sort through those years, and here they all are once again.
I hate carrying around resentment and anger. It does no good for me or my family. I want to let it all go. I snap sometimes and say things that hurt my mother's feelings, and she just doesn't get any of it. So, I only hurt myself and look crazy to others when I have these outbursts.
So my advice to you (and to myself) is to work on what you can actually control: you. I will never get anywhere trying to get my mother to validate the way I feel (and the way I felt back then). But I can work to sort out my own feelings and let go of the negative. I think it's the only choice I have. I don't want to be angry anymore! I can only control and change the way that I react to these feelings/memories/current events.
For better or for worse, we don't get to choose our families. We just gotta deal with the hand we've been dealt. I don't blame you for fuming...your mother's reaction (or lack thereof) is so non-supportive and quietly mean. I am sorry. I hope you can find some peace there...and/or find your own place to live.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
That's more than cruel, that's downright abusive and sick behavior from your Uncle AND your mother. If you had a place of your own, you could avoid being subjected to this type of mistreatment. What steps are you taking to find a place of your own? Whatever benefit you're getting from your current living arrangement, is it worth losing your sanity and self-esteem over?
I'd rather rent a room from a stranger than have people who proclaim to love me mistreat me. Always remember, Grace, you do have choices.
I'd rather rent a room from a stranger than have people who proclaim to love me mistreat me. Always remember, Grace, you do have choices.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
Well--I once had a friend whose father was always being picked on by his twin brother. One was roudy and loud--the other passive. Well my friend couldn'r stand watching her father being picked on by his brother abd one day she snapped--it was awful-she let it all out--and ya know what? Her father was mad at her!!!!!! He had lived his whole life with that type of relationship with his brother-he was used to it-it didn't really bother him--it was the dynamics of their relationship...I learned from that as far as worrying about how siblings treat each other....your uncle has probably always been this way and your mom justs smiles and takes it with a grain of salt.
You are different than your mother--let him know--he will most likely stop.With you anyway. After this long you won't change what the siblings are doing.
Also my friend did some permanent family damage with her tirade--made holidays-everything uncomfortable.
You are different than your mother--let him know--he will most likely stop.With you anyway. After this long you won't change what the siblings are doing.
Also my friend did some permanent family damage with her tirade--made holidays-everything uncomfortable.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
Good thought Denny---but we all do it to some degree--everyone has at least one jerk in their family tree--thats why the holidays are so stressful for everyone.You have to set up those boundries--and hope they stand!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
I think there are different levels of family "craziness". I agree with Sunflower, all families have it in their own ways. My parents are not perfect. But neither am I. But we're all we got on this planet. I made the choice that I want to have a good relationship with them. I don't want to hold on to the past. But, that being said, they are also not presently abusing me. I would not put up with it if they were. I mean, there's always going to be those "little" things that set us off when we're around each other....those things that send us right back to childhood...but, in my case, it's not even close to being bad enough to stop the relationship. I'm learning, slowly, what's ok. and what's not. Sometimes I overreact, and sometimes I underreact. I'm working on my relationship to my own feelings. Fine tuning my radar. Learning how to be my own best friend.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Grace,
You have choices and you aren't a victim.
Time to learn pro-action Grace, one of them being to find a room if you have to to get out of there.
Along with seeing why you are co-dependent this is also a learning opportunity for you to learn new ways of behaving and taking care of yourself.
Earthworm
You have choices and you aren't a victim.
Time to learn pro-action Grace, one of them being to find a room if you have to to get out of there.
Along with seeing why you are co-dependent this is also a learning opportunity for you to learn new ways of behaving and taking care of yourself.
Earthworm
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
Thanks! This is a slow process, and I must admit that it is painful!
The childhood memories are painful, but necessary.....for some reason.
I need to start setting some personal boundaries.
My mother has been asking me to move back in with her for years. She wants someone to take care of her and the house. My grandparents spoiled her and she NEVER truly grew up, emotionally.
I will not step in and tell my uncle to stop abusing my mother. Thanks, Sunflower!!!! I have been tempted to tell my uncle to stop picking on my mom, but she is 75 and he is 70, so I'm sure this has been going on for a very long time. Also, my uncle is an alcoholic and my mother is a codie. I don't mean to be disrespecting family members, but the blinders have been pulled off. My mother has been abusing narcotics for as long as I can remember, and I almost think she enjoys seeing my uncle lash out at me.
I didn't snap at my uncle, but I will let him know that I will not tolerate his abuse any longer. I was angry at my mother!!! She is my mother and just ONCE I wish that she would stand up for one of her kids. She NEVER has! Again.....I apologize, I know that she's my mother, but she has always acted like the baby of the family. The sick baby who has always needed someone to take care of her. It's so sad.....It's so incredibly dysfunctional!!!!!
I do LOVE my family. Please don't get me wrong. I know that I'm far from being perfect, but I do not abuse people or animals. I never have AND I never will.
I will continue to work on myself and setting personal boundaries. ALSO....I am going to start looking for my own place. I am not helping myself or anyone else by being here. You were right, mallowcup, this is a very toxic atmosphere!
Thanks for helping me out!
Grace
The childhood memories are painful, but necessary.....for some reason.
I need to start setting some personal boundaries.
My mother has been asking me to move back in with her for years. She wants someone to take care of her and the house. My grandparents spoiled her and she NEVER truly grew up, emotionally.
I will not step in and tell my uncle to stop abusing my mother. Thanks, Sunflower!!!! I have been tempted to tell my uncle to stop picking on my mom, but she is 75 and he is 70, so I'm sure this has been going on for a very long time. Also, my uncle is an alcoholic and my mother is a codie. I don't mean to be disrespecting family members, but the blinders have been pulled off. My mother has been abusing narcotics for as long as I can remember, and I almost think she enjoys seeing my uncle lash out at me.
I didn't snap at my uncle, but I will let him know that I will not tolerate his abuse any longer. I was angry at my mother!!! She is my mother and just ONCE I wish that she would stand up for one of her kids. She NEVER has! Again.....I apologize, I know that she's my mother, but she has always acted like the baby of the family. The sick baby who has always needed someone to take care of her. It's so sad.....It's so incredibly dysfunctional!!!!!
I do LOVE my family. Please don't get me wrong. I know that I'm far from being perfect, but I do not abuse people or animals. I never have AND I never will.
I will continue to work on myself and setting personal boundaries. ALSO....I am going to start looking for my own place. I am not helping myself or anyone else by being here. You were right, mallowcup, this is a very toxic atmosphere!
Thanks for helping me out!
Grace
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
Hey Earthworm!
You must have been replying at the same time I was posting.
Always good to hear from you.
AND.....I am going to work on getting out of here.
I love my mom and the rest of my family, for that matter, but
this is just too painful for me and my mom.
Just so you know.....I truly have grown to love my SR friends!
Grace
You must have been replying at the same time I was posting.
Always good to hear from you.
AND.....I am going to work on getting out of here.
I love my mom and the rest of my family, for that matter, but
this is just too painful for me and my mom.
Just so you know.....I truly have grown to love my SR friends!
Grace
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
I have learned that family members do not have to be in my life if I chose for them not to be! If they take away from my serenity with the intent of cruelness, (whether or not they mean it or are aware of it, is totally irrelevant), they are no longer welcome in my world.
Blood may be thicker than water, (which is perhaps why so many of us have taken 'crap' from family members for so long) but it's not MY blood that will be shed for their amusement or sick behavior any longer.
Blood may be thicker than water, (which is perhaps why so many of us have taken 'crap' from family members for so long) but it's not MY blood that will be shed for their amusement or sick behavior any longer.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Grace,
Remember one thing, you can't change them but you can change you.
Earthworm
Remember one thing, you can't change them but you can change you.
Earthworm
Originally Posted by Grace 
Hey Earthworm!
You must have been replying at the same time I was posting.
Always good to hear from you.
AND.....I am going to work on getting out of here.
I love my mom and the rest of my family, for that matter, but
this is just too painful for me and my mom.
Just so you know.....I truly have grown to love my SR friends!
Grace
You must have been replying at the same time I was posting.
Always good to hear from you.
AND.....I am going to work on getting out of here.
I love my mom and the rest of my family, for that matter, but
this is just too painful for me and my mom.
Just so you know.....I truly have grown to love my SR friends!
Grace
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
ouch denny---try not to be so hostile ok? Are you telling me that never in your whole life have you ever had an annoying relative that you tolerated?Weddings--Funerals-Holidays? wow.....I don't mean let abuse you--if they do you put up boundries after you privately tell them whay bothers you...If we had to nix out every person who annoyed us--wow I couldn't do that.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I don't love people who abuse me, or abuse people I care about.
I have family members whose behaviour is outrageous. In fact, I will be seeing them at a funeral next week. I will tolerate them, but love them? I don't think so.
I have family members whose behaviour is outrageous. In fact, I will be seeing them at a funeral next week. I will tolerate them, but love them? I don't think so.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
I start wondering if it's me?????
My uncle and aunt showed up at my mom's this morning. I was in the bathroom getting cleaned up. My uncle, in a loud voice, announced that my aunt, my 2 cousins, and himself went to camp last night and partied with my brother-in-law and my exAbf. Yes.....the same one who just locked me out of our home. They do this EVERY TIME. Some of my alcoholic family members love spending time with my exAbf and they love letting me know about it EVEN MORE. I reacted. I can't help it. I just commented from the bathroom, "See. Some things never change. I hope you all had a great evening together."
I start wondering if I'm being overly paranoid....insecure....codependent. I don't really know any more. Is it the alcoholic glue. These alcoholic relatives drove right by my mother's house and honked the horn at me.....on their way to party with my alcoholic abusive ex. I don't get it!!!! I never have!!!! Am I the one with the problem here???? Please help me out you guys. They did this with my ex-husband too. He walked out on me and our 6-yr. old daughter. They invited him to parties and to dinners, and loved telling me about it.
Who can you depend on for loyalty if not your family???? It makes me so sad and confused. Is alcohol thicker than blood? Honestly!!!
I honestly need to know if I'm over-reacting and being paranoid.
Thanks!
I start wondering if I'm being overly paranoid....insecure....codependent. I don't really know any more. Is it the alcoholic glue. These alcoholic relatives drove right by my mother's house and honked the horn at me.....on their way to party with my alcoholic abusive ex. I don't get it!!!! I never have!!!! Am I the one with the problem here???? Please help me out you guys. They did this with my ex-husband too. He walked out on me and our 6-yr. old daughter. They invited him to parties and to dinners, and loved telling me about it.
Who can you depend on for loyalty if not your family???? It makes me so sad and confused. Is alcohol thicker than blood? Honestly!!!
I honestly need to know if I'm over-reacting and being paranoid.
Thanks!
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