rosie323

Hi - my significant other just started the recovery process over the past 6 weeks, he is seeing a therapist and hasn't had a drink. Since though I feel like he has turned into a completely different person, being very cold and distant to me, even short-tempered. He is no longer sharing any of his thoughts or discussions with the therapist, I feel like he has completely shut me out and instead is very short, rude and doesn't seem to want to deal with any conversations with me.

I have no idea what happens when a person is trying to clean themselves up. Has anyone had a similar experience, would truly appreciate any insights as to why this recovery process is tearing us apart instead of bringing us closer. - thanks

mallowcup

He wants to drink. He's trying not to. I don't think being in recovery means recovered. We can't pretend that things are normal and he just doesn't drink anymore. I'd give him space. It doesn't mean that things will be this way forever.
If things haven't improved in about 6 months, rethink this.

Tazman53

Rosie this is from the view point of a recovered alcoholic, therapist are great for many problems, but alcoholism is not one of them.... unless of course the therapist is a recovered alcoholic.

For me I tried many times to quit and every time I became this angry person who sat around all day wanting a drink, no one understood this and as a result I would always go back to my lover, alcohol and once again I was happy kind of. I kept trying to white knuckle sobriety and always got tired of being frustrated because no one understood me.

I got really bad and once I decided I had to quit and was willing to do anything to stay quit I first had to put myself into detox to get sober, while in detox they told us flat out that our best chance at long term sobriety was AA and the second we got out of detox to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor I did it.

In AA I found rooms full of people who understood me, they knew exactly what I was going through and were more then happy to tell me how they got through those rough times. The 12 steps of AA and the fellowship not only have taught/helped me to stay sober, they have also made me happy, joyous and free!

Yes he is going to be that way until he reachs a point where he no longer wants a drink..... or he starts drinking again. My experience has been that a dry drunk (white knuckler) is miserable, until an alcoholic is getting the support of other alcoholics and has a program to work that will help them become a better happier person they will remain miserable and cranky.... I sure was.

Only an alcoholic can understand another alcoholic, no amount of schooling or reading will give a nonalcoholic the ability to understand or really help another alcoholic.

Ask your self this question:

Can a man understand a woman like a woman understands another woman or vice versa?

Zoey

rosie, Welcome to SR, this is the greatest site.

Read the stickeys at the top where you started your thread. learn all you can about the disease.

Tell us more about you, did you know he drank when you met? Does he want to be sober or is he doing this for some other reason?

Without the alcohol in the system every little thing in life is really tough, if he was a heavy, long time drinker he isn't able to talk, too much is raceing through a mind full of fog, every nerve in the body is screaming for booze.

Perhaps start reading, attend Al-Anon and leave him free to fight the battle.

I believe in having protein snacks around, also walnuts and pecans.

This just my thoughts, always take what you can use and leave the rest.

i had a happy drunk that never tried recovery, but from AA and Al-Anon, I have heard it all over gallons of coffee, and over the phone.
Caring, understanding hugs to you both

Zoey

Tazman, bless you for being here, you tell it so well. I was a light weight binge drinker, but had blackouts, and alcoholic insanity when I did drink.
Also was in 2 treatment centers where saw people living thru hell for about 2 weeks, befor they could lift their head, and that was just a start , and without the supportand wisdom of AA they did not make it..
Thanks again Taz

parentrecovers

have patience, rosie - in yourself and your husband. and run as fast as you can to an alanon meeting - it's a godsend in recovery. blessings, and nice to meet you - k

Astro

Rosie, when I sobered up in '05 I was remorseful, shamed, but also very angry and defensive. I attended AA meetings, but wasn't doing any Step work and didn't have a sponsor. That made me a very dry drunk.

More than anything I was in denial of my disease, if anyone asked me to share my thoughts or questioned me about my disease I felt they were threatening my safe place and compromising my security. Step One, admitting I was powerless, and the rest of the Steps allowed me to slowly recover, but there are still times when I go on the defense, recovery is a life-long effort and a slow process for me.

6 weeks of sobriety is not much time. I like what mallowcup said, give it about 6 months and see how you feel then. In the meantime, have you talked to anyone in Al-Anon or tried a meeting? Talking to others who have alcoholic spouses might give you a clearer understanding of what you're dealing with.

rosie323

Everyone - thank you so so much! Reading your experiences really means alot to me. We have been dating for 4 years, he has had these bouts of drinking ever 3 weeks or so, started off as a social thing and where he would drink too much and last year or so become something he only did in private when I wasn't there, again every 3 weeks or so. He finally admitted that has a problem so I pushed him to see a therapist. While I was traveling, he had a big week long of drinking which made him really want to clean up for himself. He was only drinking every 3 weeks or so, but now since he made the decision to quit, is pushing me out. If I ask him to share what is going on, he gets mad and says that he is dealing with it himself. He asked me to give him some time apart and that the more I push to talk the more he wants time away.

Thank you for your advice, was really starting to take his behavior personally and feel very hurt. This really helps me understand what is going and seems the best thing I can do is just give him space. Hopefully this will change and he will want to share things with me again and be less angry.

Astro

I sincerely hope that he reaches out and asks for help, rather than trying to deal with it by himself. Recovery is not a solitary job, it sometimes requires the help of others, those who understand the disease and know how to help. Using a therapist is great, but is he attending AA meetings?

If he continues to actively work on sobriety he'll improve, but there's no gauge for how long it takes. Try not to take it personally, it's not about you. Newly sober I had the communication skills of a spoiled child. Whiney, crabby, angry, rude, emotions all over the place. Heck, I'm still a work in progress;-)

rosie323

thank you - he isn't in AA, i finally told his parents who are doctors about his problem so they have stepped in and going to start some family therapy tomorrow who seems he is opening up with. i think they will suggest AA, but right now he doesn't want to talk to me about it at all - even though I have been the only one that has known and helped him with this for years! He says he needs a break so I guess that is all I can do - thank you!

prodigal

I sympathize with what you are going through. I experienced precisely the same thing when my AH got in trouble (again) with the boss and was forced to see a therapist. This kooky therapist was not trained in addictions, but whatever went on during those six week's worth of sessions turned him into a cold-hearted man. I got the following: "I REFUSE to discuss our relationship." "I am working on MYSELF." "You can talk to me as long as you say NOTHING about our relationship."

Sometimes that old line, "I'm working on myself" means nothing more than "leave me alone." He can work on himself all he wants, but you are a factor in his life situation. I dealt with this cold shoulder attitude and ultimately decided I'd had enough. He was still drinking during that period, but very little.

I imagine the anger has to do with the loss of alcohol. Imagine the rage of having to realize one cannot pick up a drink and ONLY one drink. I think that is what ticks them off so much; knowing they will never be able to drink like normies. I've sat in AA meetings and heard folks with years of sobriety still lament the fact that they can't have ONE glass of wine with dinner and leave it at that.

chero

I keep coming back and reading that, Taz. I never realized that before. I told AH this morning he needs counselling. But maybe I'm wrong?? I don't know.

Sunflower

I believe this is true as well---my son did go to a psych for counselling--but she was a recovering A as well as his Doctor. It is true about most things in life--unless you have taken the walk you can't do the talk.Some good souls try the best they can and you have to give them credit but better to be witha professional who is an A(there are many)
Your husband is in recovery now--leave him be--it is a very tough time for them.Have patience.
As a nurse I used to think I understood pain. Never until I had a major abdominal sugery did I REALLY know--it helped me in so many ways--I never again questioned any patients pain level.Never did I understand being a mother until I had a child---it tags on to everything which is why this group is always such a good place to come--and TAZ knows more about A than anyone who hasn't had a problem before--he knows what worked for him.