Voice From My Past

Old 05-04-2007, 12:11 PM
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rozied
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Voice From My Past

I have posted before how my 1st husband was a compulsive gambler. I have not seen this man since 1980. He is the biological father of my 2 sons. My AS remembers him as he was 8 yrs old when I ended the marriage. My SS was 18 months and he wouldn't know him if he passed him on the street.
Yesterday my phone rang & it was him. It seems he decided to call after almost 27 yrs to see how his 2 sons are. I told him that our oldest son was an addict. He told me since I had last talked to him he had become addicted to coke & then heroin. He then told me he has been clean & sober for 41/2 yrs.
The reason I am posting this is to ask you all do you think it might help my AS to have his bio father talk to him. He could share how long he was an addict & maybe by the grace of God reach him. My ex said " I'll speak to him if you'd like, but I doubt it would do any good because until I had had enough, it didn't matter what anyone said to me " He also added that I should know that if I am familiar with 12 step programs. I do know it BUT ( theres that but word again ) I guess I am reaching at anything not tried yet.
Mr Rozied does not even think I should tell my sons he called.
I really would appreciate your thoughts on this.
Thanks,
Love,
Diane
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Old 05-04-2007, 12:32 PM
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I really dont know if you should or shouldnt have him to talk to your sons. But I do believe in my own opinion you should let them know that he did call even if it did take 27 years for the phone call.

I only say this because my grandfather and my dad didnt see eachother for forty years. Supposedly my grandfather tried getting into contact with my dad but my grandmother never told my dad about it. My father always felt bad about not being able to talk to him and esspecially not being able to have the choice in not talking to him. A few years back my father found his sister that he never knew he had on the internet.

I am bouncing around here Rozied I guess you just need to do whats right for you and your sons.

Jewel
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Old 05-04-2007, 12:40 PM
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I would have to agree with Jewelz here. Your sons are old enough to make this decision on their own. But I guess I would tread lightly by first asking.....what would they want to do if they had the chance to speak with him.
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Old 05-04-2007, 12:50 PM
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my husband met his biological father at the age of 21, i think it was by accident that he found out that the father who he was named after, was not really his father after all, and the bio father who had 7 more kids, didn't want anyone to know about him. his mom didn't bother to mention that his father was not his father until some little girl playing around in the yard told him that she knew who his dad was and he asked his mom was what the little girl said was true and she finally admitted the truth and then wanted him to meet his real father, who lived in the neighborhood all along.

don't know what the moral of the story is, but just wanted to share how my ah has resented his mother since then for not at least telling him the truth about his father. i don't think that this is the same thing though. i guess i think maybe if you did mention it, then it wouldn't be on you, i know you have to think about how your sons will feel about him calling, but how would they feel if they found out somehow that he did call and you didn't tell them.

i really think that it up to you to decide whats best for your boys, i think gentle would be the way to tell them, if you decide to tell them. i think maybe you could give it some deep thoughts, and you decided what is best for you to do.
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Old 05-04-2007, 01:28 PM
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hmmm...i think you need to tell them he called, and let them make a decision on how to proceed. i would not keep it from them. if they ever found out you did, they might take it a wrong way? blessings, k
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Old 05-04-2007, 01:43 PM
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My ex said " I'll speak to him if you'd like, but I doubt it would do any good because until I had had enough, it didn't matter what anyone said to me
Smart man.

Why don't you ask your sons what THEY want? Perhaps they will, or won't want to see him.... let it be their choice, if their dad is willing.

((hugs))
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Old 05-04-2007, 02:11 PM
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rozied
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Thanx everyone who posted. I have learned one thing through all of this & that is to think things through before acting. I can tell them anytime if I decide to, but once I tell them I can't take it back. So until I feel sure about what to do.............I will do nothing. It has taken him 27 yrs to call, another day or 2 won't matter that much.
Love,
Diane
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Old 05-04-2007, 02:40 PM
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If I may add my 2 cents here, my bf has never met with his father and had always wanted to until recently. Now he doesnt care to know him. His father abandoned him before he was ever born and will not ever know him for the great man and father he has become today. I dont blame him none. But on the flip side, I would tell your son and let him decide whether he wants to contact his dad. He is a man now to make his own decisions. I dont think I'd keep it from him incase he is secretely alway wondering about his biological father and doesnt bring it up for fear of hurting you and cause you pain. It may be he will completely disregard his dad and then again maybe he wonders. When you are ready Id present him with the fact that his dad called and only give him a number to call him so the decision is his. This way he can make his decision with out someone taking it from him if he is so inclined. Your a good mom for trying to figure out what is best intrest of your son even now. Hugs to you.
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Old 05-04-2007, 11:21 PM
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rozied
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Thanx Gwen Marie, I am still thinking about it.

Love,
Diane
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Old 05-05-2007, 02:56 AM
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Ann
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Originally Posted by rozied View Post
Thanx everyone who posted. I have learned one thing through all of this & that is to think things through before acting. I can tell them anytime if I decide to, but once I tell them I can't take it back. So until I feel sure about what to do.............I will do nothing. It has taken him 27 yrs to call, another day or 2 won't matter that much.
Love,
Diane
I think this shows your own recovery shining through. I don't know if you should tell them or not, I've never been in that position. There is no "easy" answer here, but I think if you take time and pray on it that the answer will come.

Hugs
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Old 05-05-2007, 08:04 AM
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rozied
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I am starting to think I should tell them. As everyone has said they are adults & maybe I should let them know..............my ex was not yet ready to talk to them though. I really am undecided regarding this.
Diane
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Old 05-05-2007, 10:31 AM
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I think I would give my Ex, his sons phone number, then the ball's in his court, he gets to decide whether to call or not, and YOU are out of it. Just MHO.



Hugs,
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Old 05-05-2007, 02:28 PM
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Diane, our HP often works in very unexpected ways. Just the fact that he called you after 27 yrs. and has been there, done that, I'd give AS his number. Then as everyone else said, the ball's in his corner. At this point, it can't hurt. If AS was doing well, I'd say, don't mess with a good thing, but he's not.
Very strange...you had no clue he was an addict during that time? Hoping and praying this might be a good thing.
Love, Barb
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Old 05-05-2007, 02:54 PM
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rozied
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Hi Diane, Good idea but I don't know if that will work either. I spoke to my SS about a month ago when his cousin called my mom. She was calling for my ex & I had told my SS about it. I had said what do you want me to do if they call & my SS said don't give him my phone number. Now my AS on the other hand said, give them my phone number. So I am sure my AS would be glad to hear from his dad but not my SS.
Love,
Diane
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Old 05-05-2007, 04:14 PM
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Hi Rozied

I agree with most of the rest and that is, I would probably tell the boys that their Dad did call. I don't see any harm in letting them know that he has made mistakes in the past, but at least he has never forgotten them.

It certainly cannot doing any harm can it?

Hugs, Devastated
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