enigmatic_maze

Hmmm....I never thought I'd be posting here..lol...but I guess maybe I have to to understand my DH and what he is going through, and to also find out if I'm over-reacting or if these things are part of being married to an alcoholic.
I have been w/my DH for 8 years, married for 6. He was previosly divorced and had custody of his daughter. We have 2 children together as well as his DD living with us. I love my husband deeply, but lately..I haven't really liked him too well.
He hasn't had a drink for a couple weeks now. He is not in AA, just going cold turkey. He's done this before, but has always started drinking again, saying 'I'll only drink on Thursdays..ect.
This is really horrible to say..and I feel bad saying it, but he's much nicer when he's drinking. I get scared when he stops drinking, because HE is a different person and it's like living with a stranger. I don't encourage him to drink, but I don't encourage him to stop either. In the beginning of our relationship, I would say things like 'good job' or 'I'm proud of you" but he would always tell me to shut up and go away. Now I have a hard time encouraging him. I know I should, but I just can't and knowing that he will most likely start drinking again makes it hard to encourage him for not drinking.
Sober- he's not very empathetic, loving, seemingly caring...ect. He likes to tell me when I'm wrong and how I'm wrong. Today, he told me to 'shut-up nobody cares'. He won't open up to me and pushes me away. He has told me that he will never trust me (I have never cheated on him or even thought about it), and that I will eventually cheat on him. He's a tad bit controlling, in ways I can't explain.
He is a hard worker..a very hard worker, and a good provider financially for our family. As a dad, he's awesome about going and doing things with the kids both as a group and individually. As a parent, he lacks in the whole aspect of things. If he can't be the big brother/fun guy, then he's not going to do anything. Our children can, hit, call names and he just sits there. I'm the one telling them not to do those things. I am pretty much raising his daughter on my own as far as parenting goes. It seems like Bio-mom and DH are in a competition of who can be the funner, nicer parent and I'm left doing the dirty work.
I'm starting to get resentful. It seems like I try my hardest and get no where. I feel like a single parent to 4 kids. Is his behavior typical for an alcoholic? What can I do for him? Any help will be appreiciated! Thanks!

chero

Hi EM! Welcome to SR.

I can relate to what you said about not 'liking' them very much. Every time my AH decides to quit I cringe. The drinking is so bad but so are the withdrawals. I told him once that if he'd just quit I could handle everything else. Boy, did I mess up with that one!

It was a lie....I meant well but I didn't realize what I was saying!

Coming here was the best thing I've done.
You asked what you can do for him? Hmm....I'm learning that I can't do for him. I can only do for me. You have to take care of you and your children.
Read everything you can...esp. the stickies at the top of the page. They are so helpful! And ask all the questions you want!

There is so much support, knowledge and understand to glean from SR.
I know you'll get some great advice here.

Wish you the best!
Cheryl

cmc

Welcome to SR. I'm hoping you have had a chance to look at the stickys on our forum. It's a good place to start to learn what you need to know. I learned in Alanon and AA that there is nothing I can do to 'help' and usually my 'helping' just prolongs the misery and enables the alcoholic to continue drinking and progress further into the chaos.

Like chero has said, the reason for this forum is not to help or understand the alcoholic, but for the loved ones and families to learn to help themselves.

What can you do to help yourself and possibly help your son? Go to Alanon and take your son with you. He could also go to Alateen.

You have been at this awhile already and say that you are just starting to become resentful...that's a start- to realize that you and your son deserve much more. It's also a very good sign that you are coming here and opening up to others who have 'been there' before you. This is a great place to share with some wonderful people.

Soon others will reply and you can learn how they have handled similar issues.
Until then, take a look around and read as many posts as you can. You will see many different versions of the same sad story and also learn that there is hope and that we can change and find a better way to cope.

Macushla

Hi EM,

I had to ask him to leave as I could not live with him and his mood swings anymore. It started to affect our small son and I just got all my courage together and said: It is better if we part ways. He moved out the next day. But that was the only solution for me and I am not saying that it will be for you too. Each situation is different and I have learnt that I cannot influence what is happening to/with him but I CAN influence what is happening to my son and I. I did not stop caring for him but I cannot enable him any longer. There are no victims in this, I think, as we always have a choice. For me the solution was: End in pain is better than endless pain. I hope you find your way soon and you need to start to look after yourself, you cannot help him only he can.... ******{hugs}}}}}

Janitw

EM - hi and welcome to SR.
I was married to my XAH for 22 years and he drank every day of it. You have to remember that this is a progressive disease and if he doesnt stop then it only gets worse. I know how you feel and could relate very well to your statement about not wanting him to quit. My ex said to me one day "Do you think a sober Wayne will love you any more than this drunk one?" I responded by saying that I would take my chances. Well he left the kids and I 8 months after that and moved in with another woman who also is an alcoholic and drug user. We havent heard from him since. You see what happened back then was this: I challenged his disease and he responded by leaving so he didnt have to deal with it at all. What will be will be hun. My ex didnt even think about rehab or getting help or even trying to do it cold turkey...I feel so bad for you because I know only too well whats going on in his head. You are all walking on egg shells right now arent you? Stay strong and stay the course hun.....live for you and the kids and let it be...he has to face the consequences of his drinking and you need to DETACH from it. By this I mean not to leave him per se....just let him be....I was a master at detachment its just that I didnt know what it was called...if I knew years ago what I know today I may have been able to save my marriage - who knows? What will happen will happen and dont try to stop his consequences. Don't help him with his drinking and try not to get into altercations with him ok.

denny57

Welcome to SR

I would highly recommend the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Regarding the alcohol side of it, Al-Anon, therapy and open AA meetings helped me enormously. As much as I thought it was important to understand what AH was going through, I've since come to learn I needed to understand what I was going through. It wasn't pretty.

Keep posting - look forward to having you here - great name!

enigmatic_maze

Thanks everyone...I mean that. I have re-read my post and your comments and feel as though I am making my DH out to be this horrible person. He's not horrible and I don't want to be without him. He's just is a little selfish and doesn't seem to get me or what I'm feeling. I'm not perfect either and I admit I am not the perfect wife or mother...but I do give it my all. I just feel trapped and I don't understand what he's going through. I hate the taste of alcohol and can't really imagine how anyone could become addicted to it. I'm not saying I don't drink, but I'm just saying it's not all that appealling to me. I grew up with my parents leaving me every weekend with babysitters, so they could go out partying. My mother went through a period where I'd get of the school bus (this was in HS) and she would be at the neighbors house drunk, we'd go home, my dad would come home and they would get into a fight, she'd cry, then pass out...rinse..repeat. I hated growing like that, and now I've grown up and I'm right back at it...lol! It kinda sucks...and I just want a 'normal' (is normalcy real?) life. I just want some help raising my kids, not being told I'm doing it wrong or not the right way, when he won't step up and help. I hate feeling worthless and I wonder if there is something wrong with me. If I do stand up for myself in order to get respect from the kids or him...I'm told I'm being a bitch, being too hard on the kids, that I'm crazy, insane, a psycho bitch. If I just shut my mouth and let everyone walk all over me, he asks how come I let them treat me like that? It's a no-win situation, or atleast it feels that way. I guess I basically wanted to know if what's happening are signs of the alcoholism, or if it's just normal marriage problems? Once again, thanks!

Macushla

Could it be that you are in denial? I don't want to be rude but from what you have posted it sounds as if you are in denial of what's happening.... If something or someone makes you feel bad/inadequate then YOU need to make changes. Once again, I apologize if I got it wrong...

enigmatic_maze

LOL...denial it very may well be. This happens to me...I reach the breaking point as in the first post...write about it/talk about it...and then things don't seem all that bad. But then things never change either. Vicious cycle no doubt! I just don't know what to do...I've tried talking to him about all of this in the past and it just ends up with him sitting there going.."i know I'm a big jerk..it's all my fault"..ect. We both get defensive and that gets noone anywhere. I just need to learn a different approach.

newenglandgirl

Welcome to SR EM.

Your posts remind me so much of how I used to think and feel when I first started realizing that something was really wrong with my AH.

In the first stages, I honestly thought that I was dealing with a "normal" and rational person who just happened to drink too much. I was ignorant to the realities of the alcholic mind (I recommend reading "Under the Influcence" to better understand how your AH's mind works).

I would spend countless hours trying to discuss his drinking with him. Yet, nothing ever changed. I regret that for a very long time I was very misguided and confused (living with an A will do that to a person) and thought that perhaps it was me who was the problem...why couldn't I just appreciate the parts of him that were good, instead of always focusing on the drinking? etc. I increasingly became prone to emotional outbursts and anger...I still didn't get how sick my AH was.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and, true to this, I witnessed my AH become more and more irrational and incoherent over time. I began to re-examine the whole scenario...

Eventually, it became evident to me that I was spending all this time talking to a madman who did not have the capacity to process anything I was saying.

Alcoholism rots the mind, body, and soul.

You say you try your hardest and get no where...yes, that is very typical when dealing with an alcoholic. You will get zero accomplished when attempting to converse/engage with an alcoholic who is under the influence of alcohol. And, very sadly, many A's have already done so much damage to their brains that even talking to them when they're sober won't do much good either.

I am glad that you found SR. Please keep reading and posting. We are here for you and we understand what you are going through!

Macushla

Oh EM, I know the feeling very well! I felt/feel the same, tried to talk to him, reason with him, surely he must understand where I am coming from etc and it all ended in one big apology from him with his head hung low. But nothing ever changed, it remained the same because I empowered him by my willingness to to support/help him. Once I've realized that there was nothing I could do to help him, as only he can do that my whole approach changed. I kind of removed myself from *sticky* situations*, I set boundaries for him and in the end asked him to leave. Don't get me wrong, I love him with all my heart but I cannot help him. I had to look after myself or else I'd be in the looney bin by now. And I am still on the roller coaster of emotions, every day... But things WILL get better! It is true that the scars you cannot see are the ones that heal the slowest but they'll heal all the same, they just take that bit longer... And I will come out all the stronger for it and so will you! We are united in our pain/frustration and it would be a whole lot easier if we could just shrug it off and walk away, but we can't for we care....

Sunflower

maybe a marriage councelor ? a 3rd party professional where you are free to talk things out and no one feels they are being personally attacked?(not that he is but thats how he feels it sounds like) Read all you can--like the book Denny told you about?
I had to smile when I read your first posts because my neighbors husband was an alcoholic for many years--then he stopped and became involved with AA and even worked in a recovery center--really he gave the rest of his life to alcoholics in recovery.
My neighbor said he was the most functional of alcoholics when he drank and was such a nice guy, She actually hated when he got sober!!!
His personality went from jovial to completely controlling----for the rest of his life on this Earth he controlled her-everything-right down to picking out kitchen curtains.When he passed away she had no clue of money/bills etc..he would never let her know anything.Still to this day she resents this.Strange HUH????
God Bless him though he treated the As in recovery so well and I am sure saved many lives--he just couldn't treat his family well...
I am sure if he had not of stopped drinking his life would have not been so long--he lived well into his 80s.
anyway WELCOME!!! I look forward to reading your posts --this is a good place to be--much to learn--

enigmatic_maze

I don't talk about the drinking with him. Maybe I should..but I realized in the beginning I have no control over that in anyway. I don't go there with him..it's his battle, not mine. He has had a drinking problem for over half his life and me saying anything will not put clarity in his thinking about it. I realize that whole heartedly. I do however think he should step up to the plate and play a different role as a father to his children. I'm a big girl, I have not had the best life...but I try hard not to let that determine my life. I've dealt with my ghosts/demons and live my life for the most part...my kids first. He, however, can get past things that have happened and it controls him. I just want to say to him to let it go...don't be so weak by letting something like that control you now....you be in control. I don't like hurting people and I don't like confrontation..so I just shut my mouth and things will get better for a while...but then that vicious cycle spins around again.

denny57

It's possible the different approach has to be one that doesn't include him in the equation. I don't mean leave the marriage, but devote some time to helping and understanding yourself. Nothing changes unless something changes and I learned the only thing I can change is myself. If I'm not willing to change me, why on earth do I think I can make someone else change? A change in me has brought about many changes in those around me and my life is much more peaceful.

Sometimes it does take an outsider to see things more clearly than I do myself. From reading your post I would say your husband appears to be verbally abusive. It may be all he knows - doesn't make him a bad person. I've learned from therapy that we tend to bring into our lives as adults what we're comfortable with from our past.

Keep posting!

socalgal

It sounds like you may be experiencing verbal/emotional abuse. I have been married to a man who has recently been told by his therapist that he is verbally and emotionally abusing me. I quickly read up on the subject. Yep, shoe fits. I, too, had that feeling that he just didn't understand me and was a "tad controlling."

There are stickys in one of the forums about this topic. Does anyone know where exactly?

Also, there are lots of good books on this topic.

I am not presuming to diagnose your husband or you situation, it's just that many of the things you said sound familiar to me. Just a thought.

-K

Seeking Wisdom

Welcome enigmatic_maze

You have come to a good place. Yes, the symptoms you are describing are very much a part of alcohoism. Sometimes when they stop drinking, especially without a support group like AA, they can be very unpleasant to be around. Their minds and bodies are going through withdrawal .. not a wonderful experience and it can take up to 6 months for them to get back to normal.

Unfortunately, as you already know, the chances of relapse is extremely high .. and alcoholism is very resistant to change and very prone to being a progressive disease. We have recently had some very good posts on "functional" alcoholics vs. non functional. Many of our partners were functional at one time with new problems occuring as the years pass. We have all tried to reason with our alcoholics, but in time we learn it is in vain. Alcohol has an unbelievably powerful control over the addict and everything will come second to acquiring and consuming it.

Please keep reading and learning ... there is so much valuable information here. It will help answer many of your questions. I visited here for one year before I posted anything because there was just so much to learn from reading the wide variety of experiences from those that have actually lived with this devasting problem.

socalgal

Denny, it looks like you and I were thinking the same thing at the same time. Great minds....
-K

newenglandgirl

It's so hard seeing someone you love self-destruct. We know they are suffering; we know that they are tortured by past events, childhood traumas, etc. And we know that their drinking is killing them and, in many cases, makes them "unpleasant" spouses who do not shoulder their share of responsibilities.

I wanted SO bad to help my AH. I tried and tried. He was unwilling to do what he needed to do to get well.

SR, my therapist, and lots of books helped me (and still help me! understand how powerless I was over my AH's drinking. And that changing and getting help was up to him 100%. It was a hard pill to swallow!

I began to ask myself if this was the kind of life (the kind of husband) I deserved.
I also began to realize that it was okay and healthy to not accept unacceptable behavior from my AH. This was revolutionary for me and changed "the dance" between him and me drastically. When he sensed me "backing off" and started to sense that I was done with his drinking b.s., his verbal abuse increased.

enigmatic_maze

Thanks everyone! The thing is, is that I don't really have a problem or issues with him drinking or his drinking. He's not a mean drunk...as I stated in an earlier post, I actually am more comfortable around him when he's drinking. Sounds very selfish of me, I know..lol! But he opens up to me more when he's drinking, seems more loving, nicer...ect. He quit drinking for about two years (this was a coupole years ago) and I almost left him. He wasn't a very nice person at all and I could absolutely nothing right. He wanted me to get a job, but only work when he wanted me to, the house had to be spotless and if there was a dish in the sink all hell would break loose. I guess I'm worried about that happening again. I can't go through that again. But I'm scared and I'm lonely and I can't talk to him about it and I can't tell my friends. It's so confusing..lol! I know I'll get through it, it's just nice to have some support from people who have already been there! Thanks!

rosie323

I know EXACTLY how you feel! My significant other's behavior was exactly the same and he has always been much more emotive, caring, warm when he is drunk of the days thereafter. After a few weeks of not drinking, he would always become very cold, selfish and not able to deal with any expectations from me (he would get drunk every 3 weeks or so). About 6 weeks ago, he decided to clean up his life and is seeing a therapist - this has made him even colder, meaner, and more hurtful to me. He is shutting me out completely, doesn't want to talk to me about anything - says he is dealing with it himself and is developing an angry side.

I have been reading the posts, which I am so grateful for and most seem to have to just leave their spouse. Is there any hope? Now that is is trying to clean up, he has asked me for a break for a few weeks - Has anyone had any experiences where he will change and open his heart to me again?