HKAngel24

Frustrated isn't even the word for it.
Ashamed, maybe. Weak, definitely.
I thought I was doing well. THere was a time when I could tune out his quacking instead of taking it as truth and still to my OWN truth, remain grounded in what I knew to be true to me.
And then I go distrusting myself again. Forfeiting my power and sanity.
My problem is that whenever he gives even the slightest implication that he wants to end this relationship, that he disapproves of me and what I’m saying that he is fed up with ME- I seem to become this timid and pathetic character. I sink back ashamedly and take it. I REACT.
I go into this horrific tailspin of panic and anxiety and need to seek out the closest possible isolated area so that I can call him to talk to him and “work things out.” So that he can SAY something to make me feel better.
Because I am paralyzed and cannot go about my day if I feel our relationship is in shambles.
All of this hard truth coming out again.
And it embaresses me because I am smarter than this.
Cognitively I KNOW that all of this is the insanity caused by an addict
It is as though I forget that this individual is an addict – I do not put that into perspective when we have altercations. Instead I view them as a level headed human being who MUST BE RIGHT when they are telling me how I’m the one not letting him love me and I’m the one looking for things to ruin our relationship because he is doing everything he’s suppose to be doing.
I’m not sure how I got back here? I feel I’ve regressed and can’t seem to be able to figure out where I went wrong- where I stepped backwards- where I allowed my negative, codependent thinking to jump back in and take full reign again.
Why?
Why?
Why?
Again I feel controlled by his behaviors, words, actions.
I don’t want to be here!

Jewelz

I used to react all the time with my ex. He knew exactly what to say and when to say it oh my god how I used to try to please him when he wanted to brake up, so many I'm sorry I am not supportive blah blah blah or I would react in anger and flip out. I finally learned those two to reactions was not helping me and it was making me a angry and bitter person. I learned to stop myself when i would go pick up the phone, I would call someone or go onto the internet. At the time I didnt know about Sr yet. My ex was a recovering alcoholic but still had all the addict behaviour even though he stopped drinking.

You need to put yourself first and foremost.

Jewel

BigSis

What I have come to understand - it isn't about intellect... it is about emotions.

Which is why "learning" this stuff is SOOOO hard. We can't cram for it. We can't study for it. We have to go through it.... step by slogging step.



Three stage *I* have to go through:

Awareness
Acceptance
Change


Perhaps that quote above was part of your "awareness", eh? That you now clearly SEE the quacking and can feel how it hurts you.

For me the maybe the next step would be an acceptance not only of their addiction, but also of our powerless over them.

Not everything that happens out of your control is a bad thing... (((loving hugs)))


... and that is the part *I* am still learning.


I hope today goes better.

parentrecovers

i struggle too with taking it from my head to my heart and then to my actions. it's part of the recovery process. i understand. blessings, k

eaglesgirl

The more the addicts see the positive changes occurring in our lives, the more they start to pull out all the stops... The manipulation, the pushing of the buttons that they know will provoke the response that they want...

This is a hard spot to be in... Our co-dependant behaviors start taking over, even though we know what it is they are doing... Just remember what it is that YOU want... peace, sanity, serenity...

When my AH (now going on almost 120 days clean and actively working a program) started to see changes in the way I reacted to things he was doing, he did this too... The more I became aware of what and why he was doing this, I started to keep my reactions in check and not react to all the provocation...at first it drove him even more crazy...but the reality of the fact that I stopped playing his games...has led to a much more peaceful home...for all of us.

Recovery for ourselves isn't about how many steps we take forward, or how many we slide backwards... It is about progress, not perfection...

No one "gets it" over night... there are many times I find myself sliding back into old behaviors...but the progress comes with a realization that you are sliding back and you make the changes and corrections much faster...

teke

sorry hk, seems like you are having trouble remembering to put you first here. its not about you and what you are doing wrong, even though he says that it is. thats the nature of the desease, to blame everything on everyone else. it pure manipulation. he knows what it will take to put you back in line so that he can continue doing what he wants to do. try to remember when you hear he began to blame you, that its only a trick. if you stand your grounds, he knows that he has to change his strategy.

try hard to set boundaries that you can live with and stick to, none of what he is talking about is your fault, you can not make him do anything all you can do is allow him to keep making you feel that you are to blame causeing you to humble yourself and except his addict behavior. you deserve more and a better way of life, but its up to you to make those demands on yourself.

now that you know, it time to pick yourself up again and move forward. try not to beat yourself up, you love an addict, but unfortunately, what you see is what you get, until he makes a decision to seek help for himself. as long as his manipulating ways is working for him, he'll continue to be that way. time to focus on you. it his addiction that is affecting your relationship and not you. try not to except the blame at all. have you gone to any meetings yet. still keeping you and him in my prayers

GiveLove

HK,

Try re-reading "Wondering When The Pain Stops" in the Stickies at the top of this forum. The last few items on that list could have been written just for you right now.

The pain stops when you say it does. It's not going to be enough to just keep posting here. If you truly want something to change in your life -- and only YOU know whether that's true -- it's going to take you summoning up all your courage and doing something radically different than the way your life has gone so far.

Sending you the love and strength to craft a life that doesn't kill you with stress. That's what seems to be happening to you now, and it's a shame because you deserve so much better.

Love,
GL

HKAngel24

Thanks everyone for the responses.
I've been stuck, regressing, taking small steps forward than getting stuck in the ditches of exhaustion, confusion and sometimes denial.

All of your responses ring so true to me.
Maybe he's using. Maybe he's not. My fixation on it only serves to continue making HIM the center of my life- exactly what I am trying to get away from!

The trouble with this is that my number one boundary is that if he stops working a recovery plan and is using again then I am finished. That is my limit.
So I am hyper sensitive to any sign or indication that he is using.
Questioning why in the dimmest of lights his pupils are still so small.

I feel that I'm in denial if I ignore these things and just focus on myself. Especially since we are not married or engaged, nor is his a family member whom I connected to by blood. I am a volunteer in this which makes me feel that much more responsible for "seeing" the signs or writing on the wall.

Blackrose2756

So, how do you define "working a program"? How do you know if he's clean? That's one problem with some boundaries. You need to decide what is "recovery" for you. Secondly, I gave in a million times. Why? Because he'd say EVERYTHING that your's is saying to you. My ex could tell me the sky was green & the grass was blue & after a while I believed him. It's also a defensive move on his part. If my ex kept telling me how wrong I was, that I wouldn't let him love me, that I hated men, he was o.k. I was the crazy one....etc. Then he won. I had to stay in control of my own life

this isn't easy. I haven't seen my ex in over a year & haven't spoken to him since January & there are days I still wonder how he is & what he's doing. And I just plain miss him. NOT the addict, but the man he was before he relapsed.

You are as normal as any of us can be dealing with addiction.

Lynne

cece1960

If it helps at all...
I found myself between a rock and a hard spot when my boundaries contained language that focused on what my son was or wasn't doing.
I found myself becoming just as exhausted protecting my boundaires as I was when I monitored him (there really was little difference.)
So, I changed the wording a bit:
"I will not have drugs be a part of my home, my life"
"I will no longer have my sanity and happiness broken my your behavior"
"I will no longer accept excuses as a good indication that you're trying, and consider that good enough"
I know, it isn't quite as black and white to the addict, but it allowed me to decide when I had had enough, and when I felt life had returned to unmanagable.
It may sound like weak boundaries, but it sure did keep him on his toes.
No more arguing about what he did...this time it was about me.
It worked well for me.
((((hugs))))
Cece

ConcernedBigSis

((Heather))
I understand how you feel. All the blame shifting really wears a person down.
I asked my AH one day why it was he was always picking at me, why he did certain things. Do you know what his response was?? He told me he did it because he liked to get a rise out of me, he thought it was hilarious when I’d get all worked up. It was a game for him, totally a game, he knew the right things to do or say to push my buttons and get me to react just for his own amusement. After he told me that I was MAD, but then I realized if I quit reacting the way he expected me to I ruin his whole “game”. So what I did whenever he’d get started with the blame or “picking”… I’d ignore him and stare at the wall/tv/whatever was close.. or I’d imagine that he was quacking like a duck. Threw off his whole plan when I didn’t react, and really threw it off when I’d start to laugh at him because I wasn’t hearing any of what he said and I just pictured a giant duck sitting across from me. Might be crazy, but it worked for me. He still tries sometimes, but I don’t hear a word of it.
As for the boundary, is that something you can honestly sick with? I used to tell AH ALL THE TIME that if I suspected he was using again that I was leaving. Well, he’d use and I’d threaten again, he’d use again, I’d stay but make the same threat…. It went around and around like that for 3 years before I realized that we were just going in circles. He and I both knew I wasn’t walking out the door, so the cycle just continued. When I set small boundaries that I KNEW I could stick to 100%, then things changed. When I started really taking care of me and stopped worrying about him… things REALLY changed. He’s no longer my main focus, I AM, me and my kids.

liesagain

so................stop looking for signs that hes using. Put that out of your mind( keep you wallet in sight though)
And remember that TIME will tell if he's using or not, you DONT have to look or try to figure it out all you have to do is wait..............and for you while your waiting try to enjoy yourself no matter what you are doing or who your doing it with.......even him.