arghhhh
arghhhh
I just got back from a visit with my son that did not happen. I was not allowed to see him due to paperwork on my background check not being done. We have been visiting each week for over a month!! There is new person in administration and changes are occuring- and the chaos I am going through is because of mismanagment and poor communication.
While in my meeting, for some reason I had moved across the room... from the seat I had taken first and I sat next to the directors... it was a good thing too, because I could plainly see my son motioning to me to come outside.
We had plans tomorrow for me to take him somewhere for his job and now my thoughts are where so many of you know...something isn't right here. Is "it" happening again? The mixed up stories and things at the last minute that catch you off guard and are mirroring how things used to be. I can't help but wonder if I'm being taken in again? When we spoke with his counselor neither AS nor I mentioned anything about tomorrow. It's so silly because they are allowed to ride buses and the train when they need to go somewhere.
I spoke with mr cmc on the phone and talked with an oldtimer after the meeting about all this. Maybe nobody knew he was with me when I had him with me for the whole day....I thought they let me take him before...was that all a lie? I hate this feeling so paranoid...but it is how things were before and this is so close to being just like all the other times. Even if he tells the truth, I'm not likely to believe it at this point. I wonder when or if the day will come when I can rest assured.
Mr cmc thinks I should still take him tomorrow but check to make sure things are as they should be...I hate the checking up and am not sure I even want to know. If he is doing wrong and gets caught he will face the consequences and this whole year of his past program becomes meaningless. I can't believe he would risk being kicked out of the program ( having the initial charges back)...and all the other stuff that follows. Whether I take him or not..if he wants to get into trouble it is his decision. Still I am involved now.
I'm still hoping that it's nothing but at the least, the red flags are flying.
It's all very possible that everything will be okay, but I haven't had to deal with any of this for over a year now and I'm just upset. The memories are coming back and it stinks. I have been so happy about how he is doing...and here I am becoming slightly unglued.
That's the one good thing about this...I can say 'slightly' and mean that it's 90% better than how I would have been just a year ago. I may just have to tell him tomorrow (6am) that I will need some proof of what he will be doing when I drop him off at his meeting. I just don't know. It amazes me how I can fall right back to where I used to be- insecure and all turned around, from just this one thing.
Thanks to all who made it through this long post. I sure could use your prayers and support. Whew...it feels good to vent.
While in my meeting, for some reason I had moved across the room... from the seat I had taken first and I sat next to the directors... it was a good thing too, because I could plainly see my son motioning to me to come outside.
We had plans tomorrow for me to take him somewhere for his job and now my thoughts are where so many of you know...something isn't right here. Is "it" happening again? The mixed up stories and things at the last minute that catch you off guard and are mirroring how things used to be. I can't help but wonder if I'm being taken in again? When we spoke with his counselor neither AS nor I mentioned anything about tomorrow. It's so silly because they are allowed to ride buses and the train when they need to go somewhere.
I spoke with mr cmc on the phone and talked with an oldtimer after the meeting about all this. Maybe nobody knew he was with me when I had him with me for the whole day....I thought they let me take him before...was that all a lie? I hate this feeling so paranoid...but it is how things were before and this is so close to being just like all the other times. Even if he tells the truth, I'm not likely to believe it at this point. I wonder when or if the day will come when I can rest assured.
Mr cmc thinks I should still take him tomorrow but check to make sure things are as they should be...I hate the checking up and am not sure I even want to know. If he is doing wrong and gets caught he will face the consequences and this whole year of his past program becomes meaningless. I can't believe he would risk being kicked out of the program ( having the initial charges back)...and all the other stuff that follows. Whether I take him or not..if he wants to get into trouble it is his decision. Still I am involved now.
I'm still hoping that it's nothing but at the least, the red flags are flying.
It's all very possible that everything will be okay, but I haven't had to deal with any of this for over a year now and I'm just upset. The memories are coming back and it stinks. I have been so happy about how he is doing...and here I am becoming slightly unglued.
That's the one good thing about this...I can say 'slightly' and mean that it's 90% better than how I would have been just a year ago. I may just have to tell him tomorrow (6am) that I will need some proof of what he will be doing when I drop him off at his meeting. I just don't know. It amazes me how I can fall right back to where I used to be- insecure and all turned around, from just this one thing.
Thanks to all who made it through this long post. I sure could use your prayers and support. Whew...it feels good to vent.
cmc,
Big hugs to you.
I'm thinking positive , hopefully, it's just all miscommunication, and he's going exactly where he's suppose to be going. But I sure know those feelings of disbelief....
Hugs and prayers for you, and your son....(and Mr. cmc)
Big hugs to you.
I'm thinking positive , hopefully, it's just all miscommunication, and he's going exactly where he's suppose to be going. But I sure know those feelings of disbelief....
Hugs and prayers for you, and your son....(and Mr. cmc)
i understand exactly how you feel.it is really hard to trust completely after they let you down. i really hope everything is ok.hang in there & let us know how things are.i really care.sending prayers for your son,you & your husband.hugs,
Lots of prayers, my friend. It's amazing, isn't it , that once we know how good it feels to find some serenity, when it becomes threatened we feel sooo out of sorts. I am sending lots and lots of positive thoughts that this is just about miscommunication and the stress of things being mismanaged. Dealing with "systems" is humbling, I find...it has helped me truly understand powerlessness.
Remeber, at this point you can not control what will be, but you can establish your boundaries as you have mentioned.
Remeber, at this point you can not control what will be, but you can establish your boundaries as you have mentioned.
Hi cmc,
I just wanted you to know that I care. I'm sorry that you're feeling those same ole feelings because of seeing what you believe are red flags. I hope that it all turns out to be alright. Keep us updated, k?!
(((((((((Caring Hugs)))))))))))
I just wanted you to know that I care. I'm sorry that you're feeling those same ole feelings because of seeing what you believe are red flags. I hope that it all turns out to be alright. Keep us updated, k?!
(((((((((Caring Hugs)))))))))))
(((((((CMC))))))))
Sorry your feeling leary, but rest assured, it's normal for all of us.
You don't know how many times I've backpedaled to step 1 when dealing
with as and his "truths".
Outta your hands, sweetie. You'll make the right decision, I'm sure.
Your experinced. lol
Prayers for you and continuing recovery prayers for as.
Love ya,
Sorry your feeling leary, but rest assured, it's normal for all of us.
You don't know how many times I've backpedaled to step 1 when dealing
with as and his "truths".
Outta your hands, sweetie. You'll make the right decision, I'm sure.
Your experinced. lol
Prayers for you and continuing recovery prayers for as.
Love ya,
Thanks for all your replies.
I went there this morning and he was all set to go with his workshop materials in hand. We discussed all the changes that the administration was enforcing- the rules have all been changed and this was verified to me by his counselor last night.
There is no way he could have gone to the workshop if I had not taken him, so I'm not sorry I did it and I got to meet his instructor so all is above board there. Before we got there I shared _some_ of how I was feeling about trust issues and he understood. He took it very well... and we had a nice visit before his class started. He knows we believe in him and support him, but that when things begin to look even a little bit like they did in the past we are going to take notice and protect ourselves.
The rules and regulations have become very rigid. Any visitor and/or driver must have a background check. I cleared but the paperwork was not finalized. No sponsors allowed with a record or even one arrest. No meetings if the resident doesn't have a sponsor. In the past five weeks none of this was going on...it's all due to a change in leadership. The therapists and counselors aren't happy either.
AS has already found errors in the mission statements and codes written by their governing board. I think he will handle things fine and he said he would tell me if he needed my input. Basically there are existing facility rules, PO rules plus the court agreements and they all conflict with each other. These guys need firm and clear rules with consequences laid out ahead of time.
He will just have to make the best of things and these details can be worked out or just accepted as how things need to be while he is there. His probation is over in less than 3 months and he said if it gets bad there he can go back to his old halfway house, but it's more expensive and he needs to pay court costs and rent.
I'm confident that AS is doing what he should and am not too upset at how I reacted to 'the signs' as I think it is better to be open to what could happen versus being in complete denial. Needless to say, I don't want to 'go there' again.
I will avoid taking him places in the future and will know who to check with- every other time I have offered a ride he has said "I'll take care of it, Mom."
It wasn't nice to revisit those old feelings and have to actually face even possible bad news, but I'm so glad to have you all here to share it with.
Thanks again for the support!
hugs,
cmc
I went there this morning and he was all set to go with his workshop materials in hand. We discussed all the changes that the administration was enforcing- the rules have all been changed and this was verified to me by his counselor last night.
There is no way he could have gone to the workshop if I had not taken him, so I'm not sorry I did it and I got to meet his instructor so all is above board there. Before we got there I shared _some_ of how I was feeling about trust issues and he understood. He took it very well... and we had a nice visit before his class started. He knows we believe in him and support him, but that when things begin to look even a little bit like they did in the past we are going to take notice and protect ourselves.
The rules and regulations have become very rigid. Any visitor and/or driver must have a background check. I cleared but the paperwork was not finalized. No sponsors allowed with a record or even one arrest. No meetings if the resident doesn't have a sponsor. In the past five weeks none of this was going on...it's all due to a change in leadership. The therapists and counselors aren't happy either.
AS has already found errors in the mission statements and codes written by their governing board. I think he will handle things fine and he said he would tell me if he needed my input. Basically there are existing facility rules, PO rules plus the court agreements and they all conflict with each other. These guys need firm and clear rules with consequences laid out ahead of time.
He will just have to make the best of things and these details can be worked out or just accepted as how things need to be while he is there. His probation is over in less than 3 months and he said if it gets bad there he can go back to his old halfway house, but it's more expensive and he needs to pay court costs and rent.
I'm confident that AS is doing what he should and am not too upset at how I reacted to 'the signs' as I think it is better to be open to what could happen versus being in complete denial. Needless to say, I don't want to 'go there' again.
I will avoid taking him places in the future and will know who to check with- every other time I have offered a ride he has said "I'll take care of it, Mom."
It wasn't nice to revisit those old feelings and have to actually face even possible bad news, but I'm so glad to have you all here to share it with.
Thanks again for the support!
hugs,
cmc
Glad to hear the red flags were just a reflex reaction. No one on earth could blame any one of us for not trusting 100%. Heck, even 50% :-)
Sounds like you are dealing with the good old beauracracy monster there. It's everywhere!!!! You would think they would be bit more understanding to parents who have already gone thru h*ll, but no, let's try to make it harder..... geez!
****{Hugs}}} Barb
Sounds like you are dealing with the good old beauracracy monster there. It's everywhere!!!! You would think they would be bit more understanding to parents who have already gone thru h*ll, but no, let's try to make it harder..... geez!
****{Hugs}}} Barb
oh boy was i late, i'm sorry that you had those feelings again but i'm also glad that you found out that it was all just a little scare, glad that he is doing well and i pray that he continues to do so, keeping all of you in my prayers
The mixed up stories and things at the last minute that catch you off guard and are mirroring how things used to be.
I am glad today went so well. These good experiences also add up and help me gain "experiential" knowledge that I can rely on... next time.
((hugs)))
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