SurvivorAlicia

Since the first time I wrote my husband still has been begging me to come home. Last week I let him stay over 2 days. I think he though he had hit a home run. So after the second night, I told him it is not a good idea for him to spend a third ngiht. He tried to claim he had a feeling in his heart that I was going to do this. I think he thoguht his charm and smooth talking would be justifiable meaning in our conversation. He had an appointment last week at a rehabilitation building where he met with a conuselor. She'll work with him and she told him the first process takes 3 months and it would be best if he didnt work. He told her that he had a family to take care of. Where was all this concern when he was staying out all night away from his family. He presently has a job. When he as at home he paid a few bills partly. I do miss him. But I can not afford to put my feelings out there and to be hurt again. I'm not sure how many meetings he attends a a week. I dont think qualiflying as a recovering addict means going to one meeting a week on sunday. I attend a NA meeting every saturday to learn more about what the addiction is and I am able to share more with him than he does with me. I told him he can have more than 1 sponsor.

I also told him I am tired of all of his family drama. Everytime we speak it is something new with him. Im not even sure he understand the whole 12 step process. I cant be sure he has even working on any of the steps yet.


I have always been the stable one in the relationship. I let him know I and my children deserve to be in a healthy relationship. For 10 years I battled this drug addiction with him always cleanign up the messes he made and polishing up the pain each time. Belieiving him everytime he said he was not going to do it anymore. For instance I wash his clothes and i find ampty weed bags in the machine. No one in my house smokes except for him, I am a non-smoker and so is my 19 year old daughter. My husband would still deny that was his and he didnt know how it got there. Once again I would hit the ceiling I wanted to know when all the lies and decieving would finally end. I told one of his friends who is a recoverying addict that Im not going to play games with him. One of the things I learned in A.A, N.A and Al-Non you have to be be honest, open minded and have willness.


I told my husband that the reason people never suspected he had a problem was because I was the stable wife. It would make it easier for people not to see it plus he would say things to people he thoguht they wanted to hear. So it would take the attention off of him.

Thank You all so much for listening. I appreciate those who welcomed me with open arms last time. It truly meant alot to me.
I took a friend who is expieriencing the same problem as me to a N. A meeting.


Alicia

Dottie

Hi and welcome. I have recently started attending NA meetings also. I am not the addict my future husband is. He has been through several recoveries but nothing has worked until now. We have only been going for 1 week but before that he was at 2 different rehabs before that so that makes him clean for 4 weeks. I guess it's a start. I have this section in my mind saying that he's going to use again one day because it always happens after about 4 or 5 weeks. I'm just waiting. I pray that I'm wrong and if these NA meetings help him then I'm willing to go to one every day. I wish you the best of luck. Keep going to the meetings because they're already helping me deal with his addiction. I'm going to continue to go even if he doesn't because that will let him know that I really mean business and that I care enough about him to go whether he goes or not. I know him well enough to know that if i go he will go.


kisses and hugs
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smoke gets in my eyes

okay... um... whoa.

Step One- We admitted that we were powerless over the alcoholic, that our lives had become unmanageable.

There's nothing wrong with going to open NA or AA meetings if you want to. You can learn a lot. One thing you'll learn is how little you can do to affect the behavior of the addicted party. You can't understand it for them. You can't do the steps for them. You can't recover for them. If you go... go for you. I speak from experience when I say that you need to release the notion that you know the best way for your loved one to recover. I demanded and recommended and researched. It didn't move Dino one bit. "NA or else!" I'd say. "Else" is what I got. Not everybody who gives up drugs or alcohol does it with the steps. Not everybody who does the steps gives up drugs or alcohol. The bottom line to an addicted person's recovery is their sincere desire and determination. You can't give them that, no matter how much you learn, no matter how much you care, no matter how much you make yourself an example of recovery. The only recovery you can acheive is your own.

Now about your recovery (and mine)...
For your own peace of mind... let go. Trying to figure out the magic trick that's going to make them stop will make you nuts. There's simply no knowing what the catalyst is going to be. We can't decide if, or when, or how they are going to recover. We can only decide for ourselves if the way things are is acceptable to us. We can't change other people, so if the situation is intolerable, we then decide if and how we are going to change ourselves to make our life better. Why should we? Why look for ways to change ourselves when it's the other guy who is screwing up? Because it's possible and fixing the screwball isn't.

Hugs!
Smoke

liddy

Hi Alicia
forgive me but isnt NA for the addict ? I have been to a couple AA
meetings for the interest and to see what its all about, but I go to alanon for myself and my recovery.
Smoke, awesome response in an obviously "boy have I been there" but like I found out I need to work on myself reply.
Thanks for good reminders on our absolute powerlessness over alcohol and other people

Hugs to all
liddy