GwenMarie30

I dont want to be touched if my boyfriend has been drinking. I dont like it. I am the RA and my DOC is pills and meth, I have never had a problem with drinking even after I got into recovery. I grew up with wine makers in my family so as I grew up we NEVER drank to excess on my moms side. My dads side is altogether different. They are hard core alcoholics and could never tolerate the behavior. As I grew to an adult, I never liked to drink except for the occassional glass of wine with supper. I never drink beer or hard liquor. I can count on one hand on how many times I went out drinking with friends at a bar or club and lived to regret it. As an adult, I can remember what alocohol has done to my family. It always made my dad a violent drunk and the rest of his brothers are very ill with liver problems. Now I dont want to be a hipocrite here and tell my bf that he cant drink. I just dont like it when he drinks and wants to be intimate with me. I have many health problems and kidney and UT infections are common in me if I eat or drink anythiing with yeast. I cant even eat Subway alot of the time. To much yeast, same thing with beer. Well my bf really blew up at me on this. Let me back up just a little here.
Wehn I met him he was young and not 21 yet and I was. Of course I had some cool uses for him and his friends. Well he got to drink a little to much and he realized this. We had a baby together, he matured a litttle more, we moved away from friends and went on about our own lives until recently. Dont get me wrong he never was quite the alcoholic yet but getting to be excessive to say the least. Well now that we have moved back to the area right between two of his best buds, alcohol is now more frequent. It was one of my main concerns. As far as Im concerned his one friend and also our neighbor just across the yard is a full blown alcoholic or very close to it. He comes over and when he pass me I can smell the beer. I have a nose like a dog when it comes to smells, especially beer. Well now my bf has been drinking a beer here and there. When I say here and there its on the weekends when Im away doing weekends and then also when his friends show up. I came home sunday to see him sitting outside enjoying the night air drinking a beer and when he got up to get another one I made comment about it. He said it was from all the guys from last weekend and this weekend. A 30gallon trash can rimmed to the top with beer cans and bottles. I guess he was just being one of the guys. Well I didnt like it he was drinking and went to bed without touching him. Then monday night again I crwaled into bed nd before he even turned over to me I could smell beer. Oh its just a couple with the guys he says. I approached it calmly and said "You know I dont like having sex with you after you have been drinking even if its a couple of beers." Well he just exploded and said well Im not the one who is a drug addict who has addictive behavior. He just worked himself up and continued to rant. He got out of bed and came into watch tv since I wasnt fighting with him. He made a flippant remark that I should take care not to make lines on the bathroom sink and not to drop my staw on the bathroom floor. What BULLS***! Yeah it was something I did in the past said to just hurt me and it did, but I ignored it. Im still fumming.

How can a simple request to not drink and touch me be so bad. He has always known where I stood on this. Its almost like I can see whats going to happen. And I hate it. I know Im the addict with the past drug use history. Even now in recovery, I may once in a blue moon have a glass of wine with my supper but that is so rare. I even told him that I wouldnt even have one glass if he not drink. No response to that either except more anger. Now what do I do? What can I say?

teke

i'm sorry gwen, you do have a right to your own opinions and feelings, did you say that he was addicted, i forgot, i'm sorry. i know what it like to not want to be touched, i had the same problem before my rah left, sometimes i'd let him rant, i felt as if he had a right to get angry just as i had a right to not let his anger affect me. try to pay no attention if you can to the hurtful things that he may say, its maybe because he choose to drink, over what you feel about it, being kind of all about me.
i don't think that it is wrong for you to not want to be touched if he's drinking, maybe its time for you to set some boundaries around his drinking if you haven't already done that. keeping you and yours in my prayers

hope213

gwen, you have been through & going through so much lately. here is my opinion,take what you want & leave the rest. i personially do not think you need to drink AT ALL. that is not being clean & sober.alcohol is alcohol.we know the damage it can do. you quit the only one glass deal no matter what he does.let him know that drinking is not good for you, no matter who does it.it is all about people,places & things. he should not put you in that enviorment. set your boundries.i care about you.you two need to talk this out & work together.i too can see where it is going & it is not good. prayers for u both. hugs,hope

MsPINKAcres

((GwenMarie30))

Remember it's YOUR body, it's YOUR feelings, - You have the right to say NO or Not tonight or I'm uncomfortable with that - at any point in time - regardless!!!!!!

If you are uncomfortable with any physical touching when your BF has been drinking that is a boundary that you can set. You also can have a Plan B to distance yourself from those endless rants, like go to another room, leave the house, etc.

Also, you might want to discuss with your BF when both of you are calm & neither have been drinking the problem with him bringing up past behaviors in a current discussion. Maybe you could share with him that you understand past behaviors may have hurt him, but you have taken and are taking the necessary steps to work a healthy program of recovery. And when you are asking for him to respect your wishes, it doesn't seem to benefit anyone to bring up old things. One doesn't have anything to do with the other. I don't know if he will understand, but hopefully it will help YOU feel better - just standing up for yourself.

Peace,
Rita

marle

My dad was an angry alcoholic who only told me he loved me when he was drunk. To this day I will not have sex with my husband if he has anything more than one drink. I believe with me that I saw my dad as not a father, but as a man who liquor made weak. So it was pretty disgusting to me. I still can not stand a man who is even a little tipsy. Just my feelings. So if my husband has that second drink, he knows that he is not going to touch me. You have a right to do what you want. It is your body. If he can't respect your feelings and why you feel that way, that is his problem. Hugs, Marle

BigSis

Because it threatens his continued use of his drug of choice... alcohol. A drug is a drug is a drug....


I am sorry you are going through this. You might give some thought to how you want to live your life, what sort of boundaries (around yourself) that you want. If it is "no drinking" and he can't/won't comply, what are you willing to do?

Nothing, maybe today... but at some point, you may need a plan.

Addiction/alcoholism is progressive.... so what you have with him today is likely to be better than it will be five years from now. Having a plan can help you make decisions when you are ready.

((hugs))