chero

I don't know what happened to me last night. I really thought he'd never get so bad again. Why did I think that? I've been doing this for 12 years....I should have known better.

It was so bad. You guys know how it is. It just went from bad to worse and worse and worse and still bad this morning.

I guess this is the push I needed to make that choice. I feel lost and helpless.

I feel numb. I feel shame and humiliation. I feel worthless. I've lost my hope.

I don't know what happened to me? I was trying to apply everything I had learned to the situation and I don't know...I snapped, I guess. I went to the bad place with him. I just can't believe how far down I went.

The thought of today makes me feel nauseated. But, guess I'll put on my happy face and go into the world spreading joy and cheer. What a load of crap!

Thank you guys for everything. I'll reread your words when I'm in a better frame of mind. Thanks for saving me last night.

~Cheryl

cagefree

Fake it til you make it

You sound so strong and I'm VERY glad you are okay.

mallowcup

I guess is you feel the need to put on a happy face and fool the world, that's what you'll do. I'm hoping you reconsider. My concern is that one event leads to the next and putting a happy face on isn't a plan and isn't going to help your situation.
I don't mean to sound harsh but I fear for you. This is getting worse and I sense danger for you and him. Someone will get hurt.
Is there any chance you could go to the hosptial and tell the peopke in the ER how you are feeling?
I'd like to hear about your ideas for a plan so that next time you have a recipe to follow when you can't think straight. Any thoughts?

minnie

You're not alone, Chero.

Here - borrow a bit of my hope for a little while. I've plenty for both of us.

So, what practical actions can you take today towards being in a happier place in the future?

Grace

Chero, I don't know what happened last night, but I'm sorry for the pain that you are going through.

I understand what you mean about being pulled down. I use this analogy: It's like a bunch of crabs in a bucket. If one of the crabs is hanging on to the rim of the bucket, just ready to climb out, the others will pull it back down into the bucket. Never lose hope. Where there is life there is hope.
AND.....you know that we're behind you!

Grace

Cynay

Sweetie.... unfortunally this is all part of the growth you have made I think.

Growing Pains is what I call it, you are growing.... the dance is changing.... and he is getting scared.... you are not responding the same and he will do whatever is needed to get you back to the place you were. Im guessing but somehow I think Im pretty close.

You do have to walk throught the pain, but you dont have to do it at his command.... you can remove yourself in situations like that baby.... I use to have a bag packed with everything I would need for a day or two... just in case it went horrible and I started to shut down.... Maybe just a game plan if it happens again, you can just walk away.

chero

I don't understand what you just said. Isn't this what I'm supposed to do???

It just dawned on me that I'm that someone. He has always been my concern. But I'm that person. The violence is escalating rapidly. I'm that someone.


This is my goal today. To start making a plan. To figure out a way out of here.

I know sometime soon he is going to be so sorry and want forgiveness.

I don't know what to do. Do I just pretend until I can get out?

I feel like something in me died last night, you know? I feel so sad and...?? I don't know what.

I have to get a plan.

cagefree

I think what I said might have been misunderstood, so I want to clarify about my comment "Fake it til you make it".

It's hard when the layers of denial have been stripped away to leave you with the reality of the situation.

I didn't mean to fake what happened and go back to the insanity as though everything is fine - I meant for you to grasp your newly found realization and self worth with the fervor and zeal of a future without this insanity you deserve - and make lemonade out of some nasty bitter lemons you tasted last night.

When I split with my X - I dressed up more for work and went to the gym a lot and did things for me. I felt like crap, but I wanted to fake it til I made it...it sounds like that's where you are, Chero. You know what you have to do, you know it is the best thing for you...things just feel crappy right now.

Sorry if what I said caused a misunderstanding...

chero

Oh Cage, That is exactly where I am.

Now it makes perfect sense. That is exactly what I'm going to do.
Thank you

Rella927

Chero (((((HUGS)))) you are not alone hon! I'm so sorry for the pain that you are going through and know that it is ok-Cynay stated it well as always-it is GROWING PAINS! I know because I too just recently started to make the right choices for me all the time instead of some of the time! Take care of you and know that we are here for you-keep that strength and feet planted-and ask yourself what are you going to do to get yourself out of the pain? You can do this! Sending you prayers today and always-

parentrecovers

hugs, cheros. it's progress, not perfection. k

loveRoy

Chero, Couldn't get to my computer last night. Just read all the post. You absolutely are not worthless. You have no idea how much I value your post. Worthless--NO, valued--Yes. You have received great advice. I too am a "plan" person. Take it one step at a time.

mallowcup

You can make a plan, pack a bag and hide it. You can stash some money away. Hide some car keys outside the house.
Him saying he's sorry may have softened you before but as you have reached this point, I'm asking youto consider what emotion it will provoke this time. I fear rage.
As important as it is to imagine how he wil act and react, it is more important for you to imagine how you will react.
I speak from experience. There came a day and an hour when I knew I could kill my ex and never look back. I knew that the next time we had a confrontation either physically or emotionally, one of us wasn't getting up. I had become the dangerous one. Once I decided to live, I would preserve my life at all costs.
No, I don't think you should put on a happy face. You aren't happy. For who's benefit would you pretend a happy face for?
While you are sorting out things today and making a plan, why nto go down to the police station or court house and find out where you stand in having him removed? Get there advice on what you should do if this happens again.
See what help you can get from social services, they can help you get a place based on your income. Find out today where the nearest battered womans shelter is.
You can make an appointment at the mental health department at the local hosptial and they can also help you.
These may seem like little steps and you are just too tired to pursue them. They are important steps.
I think you will find that even if you take the tiniest steps, you will feel the control you have over your own life.
You don't need to tell him anything. All of these plans and imformation can be your plan.

ICU

Hi Chero.

Glad to hear that you are working on a plan.

I strongly urge you to call a DV hotline number...800-799-7233. That's the national number...they may put you in touch with someone more local to your area. Explain what has been happening and they can offer you suggestions and things for you to think about as you put together a plan, from a SAFETY point of view. You don't have to 'decide' anything today...just listen to what they have to share with you. Knowledge is empowering!!!

As far as last night goes, I've learned that the more I stuff my feelings, and 'pretend' that everything is ok, at some point in time I will have a meltdown, much like you did.

It's a hard concept to learn...how to be in touch with my 'true' feelings, yet detach from the behaviors of the one causing me grief. Truly tough! But with time and practice, it is possible to do.

Have you thought about counseling to help you through the rough patches? I did that as well. It helped.

Today is a brand new day with new possibilities and renewed hope (even if it doesn't feel that way at the moment). Believe that you will get through this and accept nothing less...for yourself!

Keep posting...venting....asking questions...it helps!

We all care about you very much. You are NOT alone!

ICU

One more thing....I've heard the 'fake it till you make it' phrase so often, but it never made sense to me.

So I altered it a little bit to read 'FAITH it till you make'. To me...'fake' it meant I was lying to myself about how I was truly feeling. That didn't work for me for reasons stated above.

However, "FAITH" it....worked better because that said "Although I'm not where I want to be right now, I BELIEVE I WILL GET THERE' one day.

Again, it was just something that worked for me. It spoke to me. Maybe it will speak to you as well.

Cynay

Chero.....

It sounds to me alot like you are "hitting your bottom" That is where the deep pain, the confusion, insanity is coming from.... If it were soft and gentle you would never hit the bottom.

You have read stories about how alcoholics have to hit there bottom before they will make a change???? We do too.

Keep making your plans and know ... just understand... As awful as this feels, as horrible it is to get through, if it is your bottom, then it is the beginning of a whole new sunrise.... You are taking the first baby step at your new life sweetie. This is just a beginning, dont resist the hurt, keep it close and walk through it.... I promise you that there is light, senerity and love on the other side.

We are right here.

BigSis

Hi Hon.... lots (and LOTS!) of good advice above me.

What I know is that there are many of us here who left abusive relationships... almost to a person, each of us will claim to have "stayed too long".

We do what we can do when we are ready - emotionally, intellectually and physically.

Hope you can call those phone numbers soon. Until then, keep posting! We love you... more than you know.

((hugs))

LiLL

Chero, let me wish you a better day today!

It's great that you're starting to work a plan. Sounds like you're ready to do the thing you know you have to do. On top of your "main" plan, you can also have an emergency escape plan, in case a crisis happen again, say, tomorrow. You already have some good suggestions from others: have a bag packed, stash away some money, find a place to stay temporarily

You already know the trick don't you? I would respond as little as I can and maintain a safe distance. If he feels truly sorry, he will put his words to action.

If you already make up your mind, it requires no discussion. You don't have to explain to him or get his permission for taking care of yourself and refusing to accept his unacceptable behavoir.

I know the feelings Chero. I really do. My AH also got very abusive once. That was 2 years ago. Exactly like what you said: something in me died.... I stayed with my parents for several days after the crisis, and I decided to not let anything bad happen to me again. Once I decided that, things started to get better, for both me and my AH.
Will keep you in my prayers Chero. Take care and be gentle with yourself!

elizabeth1979

I used to keep an envelope stashed with
id
credit cards
cash
health insurance cards
birth certificate
house keys
car keys
phone card

Oh and ps..having lock box at a bank in only your name is good to have as well for any photos you think may come in handy later.

Hugs.

chero

Well, I'm on my lunch break. I thought I'd come home and test the waters. Of course, he wants to pretend nothing has happened. And I'm not saying anything about it.

I nevered dawned on me that I would have to hit MY bottom. More like slam head first into the ground at about 100miles an hour.
But whatever gets you there, huh? (look at me making a joke....)

My first instinct is to wallow in the muck and mire for awhile. But I don't feel I have time for that. Do you know I think I was actually starting to believe that maybe he was right and he didn't really have a drinking problem.

So, my plan.....??...well, I talked to my banker this morning (she is my best friend's sister so I didn't want her or my BF to know, but what choice do i have...?) but I talked to her about what kind of steps I'd need to take financially to break ties with him, house stuff, that sort of thing. That was hard but doable.

My next step, I've found an emergency place I can go for awhile if I need to as well as a place I can stay for an extended period if I need to. I'm prepared to leave in the event of an ER.

I want to do it without those two things but I'm prepared.

I'm going to try and go through papers and things here tonight and maybe start packing away some things I don't want to leave behind.

And that is where I am. I don't know how long it'll take me to find a place or get ready....there are some financial things I'd like to have tied up before I leave...

I feel such a void in my heart. I can hardly describe it.
I feel so awful....
gotta go...thanks you guys