Found this site tonight - lots of help/advice needed please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: far far away
Posts: 26
Found this site tonight - lots of help/advice needed please
Hi,
I am a 40yro female with a 2 1/2 yro child living in Ireland (although I am not Irish myself). 5 years ago I met a lovely man, fell in love with him and we moved in together after nearly a year. he was a recovering alcoholic and I thought he would never drink again (having had no prior experience whatsoever with alcoholism). I fell pegnant and I had our child, a son. Everything was hunky dorey until one night when our son was a little over a year old. My partner wanted to visit a friend of his (which he often did), only that night he did not come home... The next morning at 7, he arrived in a police car after being arrested the night before for crashing the car and being so drunk that he could not walk. I believed all the stories he told me, how he did it once before, how he can do it again and so on. He is the typical Irish rural male, he cannot talk about emotions/feelings whatsoever and therefore did the first withdrawal (before he met me) himself, locked away in his cottage. But things did not improve and when our son was 1 1/2, I asked him to leave which he did. He came round every day to visit his child and spent time with him. He never arrived drunk and he always held down a job. However, since a few weeks before Easter, things have gone very bad, he spends night and day in the pub, lost his job etc. Our son has cried his eyes out waiting for Daddy and I have to deal with the emotional fallout. I may sound calm but I am at the end of my tether. I do not know what to do anymore. Today he arrived after I had put my son to bed and I have never seen him like that. He was drunk and verbally aggressive, I have no idea why he has changed like that unless it is the alcohol. I am close to a nervous breakdown tbh as I do not know what to do. There are no local support groups here and alcoholism in Ireland seems to be socially acceptable and people just shrug their shoulders. Should I completely cut him off? And how do I deal with his aggression? His mood swings are fundamental.. I still care for him but I am putting my son and his welfare first. Last time I agreed to let him spend time with his father alone, he took him to the pub and then drove here with him DRUNK! He sees no wrong in it, since he would *never do anything to hurt him*. ANY advise is greatly appreciated. Please help me.
I am a 40yro female with a 2 1/2 yro child living in Ireland (although I am not Irish myself). 5 years ago I met a lovely man, fell in love with him and we moved in together after nearly a year. he was a recovering alcoholic and I thought he would never drink again (having had no prior experience whatsoever with alcoholism). I fell pegnant and I had our child, a son. Everything was hunky dorey until one night when our son was a little over a year old. My partner wanted to visit a friend of his (which he often did), only that night he did not come home... The next morning at 7, he arrived in a police car after being arrested the night before for crashing the car and being so drunk that he could not walk. I believed all the stories he told me, how he did it once before, how he can do it again and so on. He is the typical Irish rural male, he cannot talk about emotions/feelings whatsoever and therefore did the first withdrawal (before he met me) himself, locked away in his cottage. But things did not improve and when our son was 1 1/2, I asked him to leave which he did. He came round every day to visit his child and spent time with him. He never arrived drunk and he always held down a job. However, since a few weeks before Easter, things have gone very bad, he spends night and day in the pub, lost his job etc. Our son has cried his eyes out waiting for Daddy and I have to deal with the emotional fallout. I may sound calm but I am at the end of my tether. I do not know what to do anymore. Today he arrived after I had put my son to bed and I have never seen him like that. He was drunk and verbally aggressive, I have no idea why he has changed like that unless it is the alcohol. I am close to a nervous breakdown tbh as I do not know what to do. There are no local support groups here and alcoholism in Ireland seems to be socially acceptable and people just shrug their shoulders. Should I completely cut him off? And how do I deal with his aggression? His mood swings are fundamental.. I still care for him but I am putting my son and his welfare first. Last time I agreed to let him spend time with his father alone, he took him to the pub and then drove here with him DRUNK! He sees no wrong in it, since he would *never do anything to hurt him*. ANY advise is greatly appreciated. Please help me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Ouch..... and Welcome Macushla.... we are glad to have you with us.
Well first of all can you call the police when he comes there and is abusive? You should not have to live in fear like that hon.
When I left my ex-AH, my daughter was almost 2 years old.... he did the same type of things, he would bring her home and then hold her bawling his eyes out that "mommie" wont come home... *sighs* and she would lay on the floor throwing a fit, hating me and crying for her Daddy till she would exhauste youself.... It got easier as time passed..... but I so understand the fear and hurt. Since your not married, you might want to talk to an attorney about your situation, then maybe he could do supervised visitation...is his name on the birth cert?
As it turned out I moved my daughter away from him when she was 9 because I was done with his inconsistance and her continued hystrical crying... things got much better after about 6 months.... Alcohol also made my ex agressive, that and because his life was falling apart he decided that I was the reason... his self esteem hit an all time low and he was determined to take me with him.
Stick around, read everything you can and you might want to pick up some books on the disease of Alcoholism.... I look forward to getting to know you better and remember.... you not alone in this pain... we have all been there one way or another.
Well first of all can you call the police when he comes there and is abusive? You should not have to live in fear like that hon.
When I left my ex-AH, my daughter was almost 2 years old.... he did the same type of things, he would bring her home and then hold her bawling his eyes out that "mommie" wont come home... *sighs* and she would lay on the floor throwing a fit, hating me and crying for her Daddy till she would exhauste youself.... It got easier as time passed..... but I so understand the fear and hurt. Since your not married, you might want to talk to an attorney about your situation, then maybe he could do supervised visitation...is his name on the birth cert?
As it turned out I moved my daughter away from him when she was 9 because I was done with his inconsistance and her continued hystrical crying... things got much better after about 6 months.... Alcohol also made my ex agressive, that and because his life was falling apart he decided that I was the reason... his self esteem hit an all time low and he was determined to take me with him.
Stick around, read everything you can and you might want to pick up some books on the disease of Alcoholism.... I look forward to getting to know you better and remember.... you not alone in this pain... we have all been there one way or another.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Hi and welcome.
Im glad you have found us.
I dont have children with my ex, who is an alcoholic, I can only imagine the spot you are in.
I find alot of solace here and hope you will find the same.
Look forward to getting to know you.
Im glad you have found us.
I dont have children with my ex, who is an alcoholic, I can only imagine the spot you are in.
I find alot of solace here and hope you will find the same.
Look forward to getting to know you.
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
Hi Macushla and Welcome . Im so sorry for all that you are going through , there is no easy way unfortunately and when children are involved it makes it that much worse . I have 4 kids myself and my ah (alcoholic husband) was just released from his 4th rehab today . Its funny because while he is staying almost 2 hrs away from the kids and me , I still feel a panic just knowing that he is 'on the loose' so to speak.
Take care of yourself and your child . Dont worry about what your A is doing . You will not be able to control anything he does or how much he drinks so dont even try to . Instead of giving your energy to him , give it to your little boy , he is more deserving .
Lots of luck to you .. keep posting , this site is chock full of good advice & information !
Take care of yourself and your child . Dont worry about what your A is doing . You will not be able to control anything he does or how much he drinks so dont even try to . Instead of giving your energy to him , give it to your little boy , he is more deserving .
Lots of luck to you .. keep posting , this site is chock full of good advice & information !
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
hello and welcome. i am learning alcoholism is a progressive disease and the nastiness and verbal abuse will likely get worse...probably fairly quickly. get your son out of that situation. you don't want him to grow up with that. my A was sober for the first 2 years of our relationship (not really working a recovery program though...) and then started drinking. i was already in love - after a year of pretty consistent boozing, i am at the end of my rope and struggling terribly with breaking it off...constantly wondering if it really is the right thing to do. i do have a 7 year old son (with my ex-husband (not an A) ) and have so far successfully shielded him from the nasty drinking behavior....sorry for rambling on your thread....just really understand where you are at.... prayers to you and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
hi and welcome
i also don't have any children, but i would advise you to think about yourself and your child first and foremost. like LG said, you can't control his drinking. you can threaten, scream, cry, beg, and exhaust yourself, but nothing will work until he sees he has a problem and that it's possible for him to lose his life because of it. learning to detach and distance yourself, and setting boundaries, seems to help while you're still living with him... and keep posting!
i also don't have any children, but i would advise you to think about yourself and your child first and foremost. like LG said, you can't control his drinking. you can threaten, scream, cry, beg, and exhaust yourself, but nothing will work until he sees he has a problem and that it's possible for him to lose his life because of it. learning to detach and distance yourself, and setting boundaries, seems to help while you're still living with him... and keep posting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: far far away
Posts: 26
Thank you all for your understanding and helpful posts.
He is not allowed to see my son anymore since he brought him to the pub that day. Which is why he came so late tonight because he knew I would not let him in whilst the child was awake. The aggression came out of nowhere, he has never been verbally aggressive before and I am very concerned about his last remark when I was finally able to get him out of the door. He said: *Mind yourself fierce*. It might sound harmless enough but it wasn't meant that way. He has a temper although he never showed it with me, I have seen it erupt with members of his family before, both drunk and sober. And I've always made excuses for him both to myself and to others but not anymore. I just don't know how to keep him away as he owns the land adjacent to mine and has right of way across my land as well. I have no idea what rights he has as the father (he is on the birth cert) and what I can do legally to protect my child from exposure. As I said before, here in Ireland drinking is considered *harmless* and I am still struggling with the idea of a pub owner dishing out drink to him WHILST he had a small child with him and knowing full well that he would drive afterwards with the child in the car....
He is not allowed to see my son anymore since he brought him to the pub that day. Which is why he came so late tonight because he knew I would not let him in whilst the child was awake. The aggression came out of nowhere, he has never been verbally aggressive before and I am very concerned about his last remark when I was finally able to get him out of the door. He said: *Mind yourself fierce*. It might sound harmless enough but it wasn't meant that way. He has a temper although he never showed it with me, I have seen it erupt with members of his family before, both drunk and sober. And I've always made excuses for him both to myself and to others but not anymore. I just don't know how to keep him away as he owns the land adjacent to mine and has right of way across my land as well. I have no idea what rights he has as the father (he is on the birth cert) and what I can do legally to protect my child from exposure. As I said before, here in Ireland drinking is considered *harmless* and I am still struggling with the idea of a pub owner dishing out drink to him WHILST he had a small child with him and knowing full well that he would drive afterwards with the child in the car....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
He is getting worse. He will continue to progressively get worse if he continues to drink. His moods will escalate from verbal to physical abuse. But you cannot help him, he is not your concern.
Protect yourself and your child. Do whatever it takes. Educate your child about alcoholism as he gets older, before he starts to drink. I believe in the genetic link in alcoholism. Show him his father as an example of a good man brought down by his addictions and Don't let it happen to you.
How sad when a whole society accepts alcohol abuse as just a part of life. I hear in Russia alcoholism is now so rampent that a whole generation will feel its impact.
Protect yourself and your child. Do whatever it takes. Educate your child about alcoholism as he gets older, before he starts to drink. I believe in the genetic link in alcoholism. Show him his father as an example of a good man brought down by his addictions and Don't let it happen to you.
How sad when a whole society accepts alcohol abuse as just a part of life. I hear in Russia alcoholism is now so rampent that a whole generation will feel its impact.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
it is the alcohol talking and NOT the sober person you know so DO NOT take it personally. alcohol is toxic to every living cell especially the brain.
i am so sorry for you but the more you know about it the easier it gets. i am exhausted so i wont write more tonight. study this forum and you will find many answers.
i am so sorry for you but the more you know about it the easier it gets. i am exhausted so i wont write more tonight. study this forum and you will find many answers.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
Hey there, just wanted to say hello from wales.
I am sorry you are going through this - but wanted to congratulate you for protecting yourself and your child from his behaviour when drunk by asking him to leave.
I have not done this yet (well I have and then caved to give him one "last" chance, that has lasted years).
Thing is, as you probably know, you cannot do anything about his behaviour, you've probably tried everything you know (and more besides) and none of it has worked permanently. So your stuck with limiting the effects of his behaviour and drinking on you and your child. Drink driving is illegal, drink driving with a child is very serious, if somehow it happens again - call the police. I have been advised to start writing down every incident (I actually email it to myself at work, becuase then it is time-stamped and backed up) because I worry about being able to prove that he can't be trusted to stay awake and sober whilst looking after our child on his own when I leave.
I understand your comment about everyone thinking the drinking is okay. I felt like that, because all of H's friends seem to think its okay.
But since I started talking to people other than his friends, I have found that this isn't the general opinion, and actually no-one else is asking my H to baby-sit their children... hmmm... wonder why?
If I can suggest you get a legal opinion? many family solicitors don't charge for the first telephone consultation and they might give you some pointers (I don't know what the legal situation is in Ireland), and is there an Al-Anon near you - Google Al-Anon UK (not sure if you are Eire of Northern Ireland) and I think they have a list of meetings on their web-site, I phoned them up for a local meeting.
also - if he does continue seeing your child in the meantime, can you ask someone else if you can take your child to their house and he can visit there? perhaps a member of his family or a friend if you trust them - just to try and take yourself out of his firing line?
just suggestions - don't know if they'd work in your situation.
wishing you lots of peace and love.
I am sorry you are going through this - but wanted to congratulate you for protecting yourself and your child from his behaviour when drunk by asking him to leave.
I have not done this yet (well I have and then caved to give him one "last" chance, that has lasted years).
Thing is, as you probably know, you cannot do anything about his behaviour, you've probably tried everything you know (and more besides) and none of it has worked permanently. So your stuck with limiting the effects of his behaviour and drinking on you and your child. Drink driving is illegal, drink driving with a child is very serious, if somehow it happens again - call the police. I have been advised to start writing down every incident (I actually email it to myself at work, becuase then it is time-stamped and backed up) because I worry about being able to prove that he can't be trusted to stay awake and sober whilst looking after our child on his own when I leave.
I understand your comment about everyone thinking the drinking is okay. I felt like that, because all of H's friends seem to think its okay.
But since I started talking to people other than his friends, I have found that this isn't the general opinion, and actually no-one else is asking my H to baby-sit their children... hmmm... wonder why?
If I can suggest you get a legal opinion? many family solicitors don't charge for the first telephone consultation and they might give you some pointers (I don't know what the legal situation is in Ireland), and is there an Al-Anon near you - Google Al-Anon UK (not sure if you are Eire of Northern Ireland) and I think they have a list of meetings on their web-site, I phoned them up for a local meeting.
also - if he does continue seeing your child in the meantime, can you ask someone else if you can take your child to their house and he can visit there? perhaps a member of his family or a friend if you trust them - just to try and take yourself out of his firing line?
just suggestions - don't know if they'd work in your situation.
wishing you lots of peace and love.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: far far away
Posts: 26
I have had a call from him today and he cannot even remember that he was here last night, he sounded really disoriented (sp) but tbh I cannot care about his problems as I cannot change them. I do feel sorry for him but not to the extent of offering *help*, been there, done that, wore the (hair)shirt.. I will NOT let him back into my life.
Ceridwen, you are not that far from me and the drinking here and maybe where you are is more socially accepted as for example in my own home country...
I have phoned the Citizens Advise Bureau today and was told that he has literally no rights to his son unless he would take me to court and ask for visitation (which he will not do, he has other problems and the money he has goes on the beer). Even in the unlikely event that he would take the legal route he has no chance as his alcohol abuse is well documented (arrests for drinking driving, 10 year ban in the UK, crashing cars left, right and centre).
Today was the first day my son did not cry when he asked for his father and went to bed without throwing a tantrum. AND I did something for myself and for the first time in months I rode one of my horses for a stroll through the forestry. It felt good to do that without feeling guilty as that seems all I am doing lately, feeling guilty for not being able to help him guilty for being such a cr*p mother who denies her son his father, failure in love and failure in life.
Ceridwen, you are not that far from me and the drinking here and maybe where you are is more socially accepted as for example in my own home country...
I have phoned the Citizens Advise Bureau today and was told that he has literally no rights to his son unless he would take me to court and ask for visitation (which he will not do, he has other problems and the money he has goes on the beer). Even in the unlikely event that he would take the legal route he has no chance as his alcohol abuse is well documented (arrests for drinking driving, 10 year ban in the UK, crashing cars left, right and centre).
Today was the first day my son did not cry when he asked for his father and went to bed without throwing a tantrum. AND I did something for myself and for the first time in months I rode one of my horses for a stroll through the forestry. It felt good to do that without feeling guilty as that seems all I am doing lately, feeling guilty for not being able to help him guilty for being such a cr*p mother who denies her son his father, failure in love and failure in life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
guilty for being such a cr*p mother who denies her son his father, failure in love and failure in life.
Because a Mother protects her Child?????? you are not crap... YOU are not keeping your son from having a father..... HE is. He made the choice to drink and drive with him, He makes the choice to drink... this is HIS issue.
HIS Failure is not yours to be guilty for... HIS disease is not your fault, you did not cause it you can not control it and you can not Cure it. I happen to believe it is one of the bravest things a women can do to protect her child, to go it alone.... it is no easy task to be a single mom sweetie.
Dont you carry another persons guilt.... that is his to bear.... and none of this makes you a failure in anything....
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
Originally Posted by Macushla 
It felt good to do that without feeling guilty as that seems all I am doing lately, feeling guilty for not being able to help him guilty for being such a cr*p mother who denies her son his father, failure in love and failure in life.
As far as not being able to help your partner, there was nobody who could help me or convince me that I had a problem with alcohol except myself. It's almost impossible to change or help an alcoholic, we're incredibly stubborn and so deep in our disease that our eyes aren't open to reality. Keep focusing on yourself and your son, and let your partner choose his own path. Either he'll want sobriety or he won't, but you can't make that decision for him.
You're not cr@p, you're amazing just for sharing your experience here. Please don't be so hard on yourself, try instead to be the strong mother your son deserves to have.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: far far away
Posts: 26
I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I am so glad that I have found you. It really really helps to be able to talk to someone who's been there or still is. I thought I was the only one who felt like that but when I read the threads here I realise that I am not and feel the same pain. Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
I is I that should be thanking you Macushla.... you are the reason Im here.
Go ahead and Cry, its healing.... we all know how your feeling, we are all in different stages of the same disease... We are people that can "really" understand how your feeling and experiencing and we are blessed to have people from all sides of the disease.
No .... your not alone, and since you found us you will never have to deal with it alone again either.
Go ahead and Cry, its healing.... we all know how your feeling, we are all in different stages of the same disease... We are people that can "really" understand how your feeling and experiencing and we are blessed to have people from all sides of the disease.
No .... your not alone, and since you found us you will never have to deal with it alone again either.
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