Shame
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Shame
I've seen this word mentioned a few times on the boards recently. I guess I'm drawn to it because I realised a couple of weeks ago that shame was a lingering issue for me from my relationship with R.
Mark Miller, PHD
A couple of weeks ago, I was driving along in my car, listening to The Boxer by Simon & Garfunkel. There is a part which goes "And he carries the reminders of every glove that laid him down or cut him til he cried out, in his anger and his shame" and I found that tears were pricking my eyes as I sang along. I knew I still had some anger, but it was the part about shame that really got me.
I was ashamed that I got myself in that position. I was ashamed that I let him treat me that way. I felt that I had let myself down badly and was less of a person for doing so. I felt so much shame that I cut myself off from most of the people I knew before him because I thought they would think less of me for being conned and taken in by this man.
Just naming that feeling meant that I could confront it with the truth and give myself a reality check. I am a better person for having known him and I have made some truly wonderful friends along the journey of my recovery. The shame is not mine to own.
As they say at the end of that song - I am leaving, I am leaving, but the fighter still remains.
And I met up with some old friends for lunch on Saturday. I do believe I have cast off that shame.........
Shame manifests itself physically in a wide variety of forms. The person may hide their eyes; lower their gaze; blush; bite their lips or tongue; present a forced smile; or fidget. Other responses may include annoyance, defensiveness, exaggeration or denial. Because the affect of shame often interferes with our ability to think, the individual may experience confusion, being at a loss for words, or a completely blank mind.
Shame is often experienced as the inner, critical voice that judges whatever we do as wrong, inferior, or worthless. Often this inner critical voice is repeating what was said to us by our parents, relatives, teachers and peers. We may have been told that we were naughty, selfish, ugly, stupid, etc. We may have been ostracized by peers at school, humiliated by teachers, treated with contempt by our parents. Paradoxically, shame may be caused by others expecting too much of us, evoking criticism when our performance is less than perfect. Some authority figures are never satisfied with one's efforts or performance, they are critical no matter what. Unfortunately, these criticisms become internalized, so that it is our own inner critical voice that is meting out the shaming messages, such as: "You idiot, why did you do that?," "Can't you do anything right?,"or " You should be ashamed of yourself," etc.
One source of shame is associated with the expression of certain emotions. In many families, as well as in many cultures, expression of such feelings as anger, fear, sadness or vulnerability, may be met with shaming reproaches, such as "Pull yourself together," "Don't be a baby," "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about," or "You don't have anything to be afraid of." Pride is also a feeling that is often met with shameful condemnations, such as "Who do you think you are, Mr. Bigshot?," or "You're getting too big for your britches." Often these shaming admonitions are internalized, so that when we get in touch with any of these "shameful feelings" we will automatically feel shame, and try to control or hide the feelings, or, at the very least, to apologize profusely for them.
Clearly these shaming inner voices can do considerable damage to our self esteem. These self criticisms, that we are stupid, selfish, a show-off, etc., become, in varying degrees, how we see ourselves. For some of us, the inner critical judge is continuously providing a negative evaluation of what we are doing, moment-by-moment. As mentioned before, the inner critic may make it impossible for one to do anything right, telling you that you are too aggressive, or not aggressive enough, that you're too selfish, or that you let people walk all over you.
Shame is often experienced as the inner, critical voice that judges whatever we do as wrong, inferior, or worthless. Often this inner critical voice is repeating what was said to us by our parents, relatives, teachers and peers. We may have been told that we were naughty, selfish, ugly, stupid, etc. We may have been ostracized by peers at school, humiliated by teachers, treated with contempt by our parents. Paradoxically, shame may be caused by others expecting too much of us, evoking criticism when our performance is less than perfect. Some authority figures are never satisfied with one's efforts or performance, they are critical no matter what. Unfortunately, these criticisms become internalized, so that it is our own inner critical voice that is meting out the shaming messages, such as: "You idiot, why did you do that?," "Can't you do anything right?,"or " You should be ashamed of yourself," etc.
One source of shame is associated with the expression of certain emotions. In many families, as well as in many cultures, expression of such feelings as anger, fear, sadness or vulnerability, may be met with shaming reproaches, such as "Pull yourself together," "Don't be a baby," "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about," or "You don't have anything to be afraid of." Pride is also a feeling that is often met with shameful condemnations, such as "Who do you think you are, Mr. Bigshot?," or "You're getting too big for your britches." Often these shaming admonitions are internalized, so that when we get in touch with any of these "shameful feelings" we will automatically feel shame, and try to control or hide the feelings, or, at the very least, to apologize profusely for them.
Clearly these shaming inner voices can do considerable damage to our self esteem. These self criticisms, that we are stupid, selfish, a show-off, etc., become, in varying degrees, how we see ourselves. For some of us, the inner critical judge is continuously providing a negative evaluation of what we are doing, moment-by-moment. As mentioned before, the inner critic may make it impossible for one to do anything right, telling you that you are too aggressive, or not aggressive enough, that you're too selfish, or that you let people walk all over you.
A couple of weeks ago, I was driving along in my car, listening to The Boxer by Simon & Garfunkel. There is a part which goes "And he carries the reminders of every glove that laid him down or cut him til he cried out, in his anger and his shame" and I found that tears were pricking my eyes as I sang along. I knew I still had some anger, but it was the part about shame that really got me.
I was ashamed that I got myself in that position. I was ashamed that I let him treat me that way. I felt that I had let myself down badly and was less of a person for doing so. I felt so much shame that I cut myself off from most of the people I knew before him because I thought they would think less of me for being conned and taken in by this man.
Just naming that feeling meant that I could confront it with the truth and give myself a reality check. I am a better person for having known him and I have made some truly wonderful friends along the journey of my recovery. The shame is not mine to own.
As they say at the end of that song - I am leaving, I am leaving, but the fighter still remains.
And I met up with some old friends for lunch on Saturday. I do believe I have cast off that shame.........
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
One of my greatest joys the past almost 2 years has been losing the shame. I carried a lot of it for most of my life and to realize I never have to do that again is fantastic. For me, it's been learning to deal with things as they happen.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
I found that my 4th step really helped separate shame from guilt and pain.
I had them all jumbled up.
My sponsor had me make a list of things I was feeling guilty about, feeling shame over, and was feeling pain from.
When I made this list (which took me sometime as it was emotionally challenging to do) I was really able to see for the first time, that I was carrying alot of shame over things that were not mine and that I was feeling pain or things I was ashamed of. When I could let go of the shame, the pain began to lessen.
Im angered still be things I feel shame over. Im not angry over what my ex did to me. I do get angry over the shame I have for remaining in an unacceptable situation (unacceptable bc I was tolerating behavior I had previously said were deal breakers).
Shame is a powerful emotion.
The book Healing the Shame that Binds is a good one for me, but its a tough read. It allowed me to see I was carrying shame for things I had no control over.
I had them all jumbled up.
My sponsor had me make a list of things I was feeling guilty about, feeling shame over, and was feeling pain from.
When I made this list (which took me sometime as it was emotionally challenging to do) I was really able to see for the first time, that I was carrying alot of shame over things that were not mine and that I was feeling pain or things I was ashamed of. When I could let go of the shame, the pain began to lessen.
Im angered still be things I feel shame over. Im not angry over what my ex did to me. I do get angry over the shame I have for remaining in an unacceptable situation (unacceptable bc I was tolerating behavior I had previously said were deal breakers).
Shame is a powerful emotion.
The book Healing the Shame that Binds is a good one for me, but its a tough read. It allowed me to see I was carrying shame for things I had no control over.
Just a fool, swimming in love
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 164
Thank you for your brave example of recovery.
For me, guilt is a feeling that I did something wrong.
Shame is a feeling that I am something wrong.
And my inner critic can make a case for it by listing all the dumb and humiliating stuff we have done in the past.
This grew out of trying to find some way to control getting love from people who didn't have it to give.
There must be something wrong with me. Why else would they treat me like this?
If only I could be good enough then they would love me.
So that voice served a useful purpose but it no longer serves me.
I don't argue with myself, I try not to add to my inner conflict.
At first I agree with it, yes, we did those things, everybody does.
It becomes my job to turn a humiliating experience into a humbling experience.
Then I gently remind him that we no longer try to prove our worth and lovability by our actions. We get it from what we are and what we are is perfectly imperfect. I always come back to the idea that there is nothing I can do to stop my Creator from loving me. Nothing.
Then I get to work on loving myself.
Usually when we say Namaste, we mean the Divine in me acknowledges the Divine in you, wouldn't it be fun to add, the Lovable in me acknowledges the Lovable in you?
Namaste
For me, guilt is a feeling that I did something wrong.
Shame is a feeling that I am something wrong.
And my inner critic can make a case for it by listing all the dumb and humiliating stuff we have done in the past.
This grew out of trying to find some way to control getting love from people who didn't have it to give.
There must be something wrong with me. Why else would they treat me like this?
If only I could be good enough then they would love me.
So that voice served a useful purpose but it no longer serves me.
I don't argue with myself, I try not to add to my inner conflict.
At first I agree with it, yes, we did those things, everybody does.
It becomes my job to turn a humiliating experience into a humbling experience.
Then I gently remind him that we no longer try to prove our worth and lovability by our actions. We get it from what we are and what we are is perfectly imperfect. I always come back to the idea that there is nothing I can do to stop my Creator from loving me. Nothing.
Then I get to work on loving myself.
Usually when we say Namaste, we mean the Divine in me acknowledges the Divine in you, wouldn't it be fun to add, the Lovable in me acknowledges the Lovable in you?
Namaste
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat 
Apparently, when one casts off their shame, the ice thaws. I like it when that happens.
Shame did funny things to me. I isolated big time and metaphorically curled into a ball and didn't want to deal with anyone who hadn't been through something similar. And when I did try and interact with anyone outside of that sphere, I would try really hard to get them to understand what I had been through, in the hope that they would "let me off the hook" for getting involved with him. Of course, I was really trying to convince myself, rather than them.
Now, though, I don't have to convince anyone. I know what happened to me and I also largely know why it happened. It's not important for anyone else to understand unless they really want to - and most don't. I think it scares them that there are men like that out there and that they too were conned by him.
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