when can we date?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: toronto
Posts: 5
when can we date?
I am now two months sober. I have had some strong feelings surface for someone who is a year sober and is in my home group of AA. My recovery is going well and I am aware I have a long way to go. I have joined a group, got a sponsor and she and I are working on my step work. I had a conversation with this person in regards to my feelings and he shared that he too had the same feelings. However that this is not the time to act upon them. I know he is putting my recovery first and I thnaked him for that. However it is hard not to feel what you feel. I have read in "living sober" the part about emtional entanglments and other materials I have found on the subject. I am also going to talk to my sponsor about it. i know his thought on the subjevt are the right ones but it dose not make it any easier. What do I need to be careful of? What are some of the warning signs that I am in a danger zone? Is the answer wait a year and that is that. Will it just come to me thriugh my higher power when the time is right? Just looking for some more insight into this topic.
Thanks
DGG
Thanks
DGG
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Hi DGG
Welcome to SR from another Canuck who happens to be an alkie, too! Congratulations on your sober time and I'm glad that you found us.
Well! I have a ton of experience in this area! None of it is good, mind you!
At 3 months sober (the first time) I got involved with someone in the program. We broke up, I relapsed, as did he (eventually).
So I waited the requisite '1 year'. At that time, I got involved with someone who had 5 years. A year later, we broke up, and I relapsed. So did he. Hmm I'm sensing a pattern here.
At 1+ years, I got involved with someone with 15 years. We moved in together. We broke up recently, I DID NOT relapse, nor did he.
Err I need a calculator now.
I'm now sober 16 months, and clean from pills for 9.
Even after all this time, and this wealth of knowledge, I am not ready to get involved with someone.
The '1 year' suggestion is there for a reason. Someone will be along to disagree with me. There usually is lol. Gotta keep a sense of humour!
Keep posting no matter what - you've found a terrific place full of wonderful people.
Rowan
Welcome to SR from another Canuck who happens to be an alkie, too! Congratulations on your sober time and I'm glad that you found us.
Well! I have a ton of experience in this area! None of it is good, mind you!
At 3 months sober (the first time) I got involved with someone in the program. We broke up, I relapsed, as did he (eventually).
So I waited the requisite '1 year'. At that time, I got involved with someone who had 5 years. A year later, we broke up, and I relapsed. So did he. Hmm I'm sensing a pattern here.
At 1+ years, I got involved with someone with 15 years. We moved in together. We broke up recently, I DID NOT relapse, nor did he.
Err I need a calculator now.
I'm now sober 16 months, and clean from pills for 9.
Even after all this time, and this wealth of knowledge, I am not ready to get involved with someone.
The '1 year' suggestion is there for a reason. Someone will be along to disagree with me. There usually is lol. Gotta keep a sense of humour!
Keep posting no matter what - you've found a terrific place full of wonderful people.
Rowan
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
Hi DGG,
I'm glad you're doing well.
In early recovery, I really did have to focus on myself. I think that the danger with a new romantic relationship, is that it will put your attention onto the relationship and you may neglect yourself.
I had to really figure out who I was and what I wanted out of life. I had to take time to get to know myself. My suggestion would be to keep moving forward on your recovery and to wait before getting involved with someone else.
I'm glad you're doing well.
In early recovery, I really did have to focus on myself. I think that the danger with a new romantic relationship, is that it will put your attention onto the relationship and you may neglect yourself.
I had to really figure out who I was and what I wanted out of life. I had to take time to get to know myself. My suggestion would be to keep moving forward on your recovery and to wait before getting involved with someone else.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 1,539
many would suggest a year of sobriety first.
good idea to ask your sponsor
you need to be careful of several things.
making sure you & your sobriety are # 1 priority.
& you are emotionally in good health to enter a relationship.
you learn how to love yourself first, then another.
when issues come up, you don't drink.
that you don't repeat the some old behaviors, now sober.
make some sense?
good idea to ask your sponsor
you need to be careful of several things.
making sure you & your sobriety are # 1 priority.
& you are emotionally in good health to enter a relationship.
you learn how to love yourself first, then another.
when issues come up, you don't drink.
that you don't repeat the some old behaviors, now sober.
make some sense?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: toronto
Posts: 5
Some good thoughts. Thanks everyone. I sort of know what the answer was all along just not the one I wanted you know? I will conitue to put my sorbirty first and let everything else follow.
Hope you all have a great 24 hours.
DGG
Hope you all have a great 24 hours.
DGG
Raised from the Dead
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Chicago
Posts: 376
i also have experience in recovery relationships. at 4 months sober i got involved with a women with 4 years. we dated for 4-5 months. it was not a healthy relationship as i was not honest about alot of stuff and she happened to be very sick herself. during the last 2 months i felt like the same person i was when i was using with the dishonesty and hoping she wouldnt find out. when we broke up i felt alot better. however when i made amends to her for being dishonest, she not only did not accept it but threatened me if i ran into her at a meeting. after that around 11 months i had an emotional relationship with a newcomer but we never engaged physically because she was new. when i stopped talking to her it crushed me. i still have feelings for her. i have since dated girls outside the program and have not exactly behaved as a spirtually fit person should. so basically my defects have surfaced in all the sober relationships ive had. going on 16 months i have identified lush as my top deadly sin. i would be EXTREMELY wary of a relationship at 2 months sober. EXTREMELY. finance and romance are the two top causes of relapse and i was fortunate enough not to have relapsed. for a period it has put me in a dark lonely in which only God got me out. im not sure if i could have withstood a breakup at that started at 2 months. that doesnt give you enough time to build up a network. plus dating in the homegroup is really tough because if something happens it would most likely be awkward for both to continue going and sharing honestly about where they are at.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
I met someone at 12 days sober who had 15 years at the time. We eventually broke up due to his infidelity as well as other issues. He relapsed. I did not although it took everything I had not to drink.
I started dating someone very briefly with over 20 years and learned some hard lessons about myself and relationships.
I am now engaged to someone I have been friends with for over 2 years. We have similar amounts of sobriety. I never thought of him "that way". We're getting married in September.
For me the pitfalls for relationships in early sobriety is I didn't know how to cope with hurt except to drink at it. Fights with boyfriend number one were the closest I came to picking up a drink. I didn't take the time to get to know myself or get to work on myself that first year. Don't get me wrong, I did my stepwork but I didn't devote all of the time that I could have or should have. I tended to use him as my sponsor instead of my actual sponsor. In many ways he was sicker than me and was good at helping me justify actions that were not justifiable. I didn't get the opportunity to spend alone time.
Basically I hindered my recovery. All are different but the suggestion is made for a reason. Finances and romances will get you drunk.
The fact that he feels the same as you is encouraging. Hopefully he will be willing to wait for you and in the meantime there is absolutely nothing to prevent you from being friends and going out with a group. Sobriety does not have to be boring, relationship or not.
Hugs,
Kellye
I started dating someone very briefly with over 20 years and learned some hard lessons about myself and relationships.
I am now engaged to someone I have been friends with for over 2 years. We have similar amounts of sobriety. I never thought of him "that way". We're getting married in September.
For me the pitfalls for relationships in early sobriety is I didn't know how to cope with hurt except to drink at it. Fights with boyfriend number one were the closest I came to picking up a drink. I didn't take the time to get to know myself or get to work on myself that first year. Don't get me wrong, I did my stepwork but I didn't devote all of the time that I could have or should have. I tended to use him as my sponsor instead of my actual sponsor. In many ways he was sicker than me and was good at helping me justify actions that were not justifiable. I didn't get the opportunity to spend alone time.
Basically I hindered my recovery. All are different but the suggestion is made for a reason. Finances and romances will get you drunk.
The fact that he feels the same as you is encouraging. Hopefully he will be willing to wait for you and in the meantime there is absolutely nothing to prevent you from being friends and going out with a group. Sobriety does not have to be boring, relationship or not.
Hugs,
Kellye
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I haven't really thought about this much...my life's gotten a whole lot better recently, but IMO it's still too chaotic, still too new and I'm still too fragile, to consider inviting someone to share it...especially someone I cared about.
D
D
tangled up in blue
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 401
I think this is different for everyone. For me, I'm definitely way too newly sober to even consider a relationship. I've always had really bad, emotionally abusive relationships prior to sobriety, so I can't imagine that now would be any different. I think once I have time to really work on myself, I will eventually be able to get to the place where I'm ready to welcome someone into my life. I do recognize that, in the past, whenever I had a relationship problem, I would always pick up a drink.
I think maybe you ought to give it a bit more time, but that's just my opinion.
I think maybe you ought to give it a bit more time, but that's just my opinion.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
for me, recovery from alcoholism is a deeper job than just not drinking.
I have to face the reasons I drank, which, quite simply, boil down to the fact that I drank to find emotional comfort when I felt emotional discomfort or pain.
Being a great escape artist (from my "stuff"), I would skillfully use any substitute for intoxication in my first few years of sobriety. Without the guidance of a sponsor and applied self discipline, I would have allowed my feelings of attraction to any number of individuals provide momentary ease of discomfort, and, even pleasure. And, that's not all; I could and do still, overuse money, shopping, work, exercise and even the computer to get away from feelings of loneliness.
At 2 months sober, you've read it before, its waaay too risky for your recovery and foundation of sobriety to bring in a romance to your equation. You are worth giving yourself the veryy best chance of having a healthy loving relationship....later on down the road. For today, work on yourself and pull the attention back inward...off the other guy.
I have to face the reasons I drank, which, quite simply, boil down to the fact that I drank to find emotional comfort when I felt emotional discomfort or pain.
Being a great escape artist (from my "stuff"), I would skillfully use any substitute for intoxication in my first few years of sobriety. Without the guidance of a sponsor and applied self discipline, I would have allowed my feelings of attraction to any number of individuals provide momentary ease of discomfort, and, even pleasure. And, that's not all; I could and do still, overuse money, shopping, work, exercise and even the computer to get away from feelings of loneliness.
At 2 months sober, you've read it before, its waaay too risky for your recovery and foundation of sobriety to bring in a romance to your equation. You are worth giving yourself the veryy best chance of having a healthy loving relationship....later on down the road. For today, work on yourself and pull the attention back inward...off the other guy.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Sobriety #1.
I am married so this was one I did not directly have a chance at any experience with, I do wonder though if I had been approached early in my recovery where it may have gone, I would like to think my sobriety and marriage would have been my priorities.
I do have a little to share on it though, there is a couple I ave known since I have been in the rooms, it has only been in the last 4 months I have seen them sit together, we were talking after a meeting last night, they are getting married this Sunday, they never held hands or kissed until they both had a year, they both agreed that thier sobriety was #1. They both said they knew their feelings for each other, but never really expressed them until they had that year sober.
I am married so this was one I did not directly have a chance at any experience with, I do wonder though if I had been approached early in my recovery where it may have gone, I would like to think my sobriety and marriage would have been my priorities.
I do have a little to share on it though, there is a couple I ave known since I have been in the rooms, it has only been in the last 4 months I have seen them sit together, we were talking after a meeting last night, they are getting married this Sunday, they never held hands or kissed until they both had a year, they both agreed that thier sobriety was #1. They both said they knew their feelings for each other, but never really expressed them until they had that year sober.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Taz, that story reminds me.....
(Sorry to hijack DGG's thread, this is very brief)
....of, how, in early sobriety the reverse also applied, to my great surprise. When approached by guys I wasn't into, I simply said " I can't. Don't have 1 year yet." And it was understood and respected.
(Sorry to hijack DGG's thread, this is very brief)
....of, how, in early sobriety the reverse also applied, to my great surprise. When approached by guys I wasn't into, I simply said " I can't. Don't have 1 year yet." And it was understood and respected.
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